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With enough drugs Jaina could finally emerge from her room. Her parents were excited to see this small improvement in their only daughter’s condition. Han could fool himself into thinking that “his girl would be flying around the universe like she was a teenager again!” She would overhear this, and it would only make her sicker. She could get out of bed again, and even force herself to eat, but she knew that she could never be the pilot she once was ever again. She could never be the anything she once was ever again.
One day good old Uncle Luke came over. “Jaina honey” he said, kindly but chipper as well “I hear that you are getting better!”
“If you say so” was her heavy reply. Her freshly washed hair hung over her shoulder in wet, gathered vines, and a small bowl of broth was cupped in her hands as she sat facing Luke on the couch in the living area near her own room.
“Well you look better to me. Say…” He said, leaning forward and placing his hand on her shoulder. “You should go out with your friends, go see some people. That helped me and Ben after-“
“I don’t exactly have any Sith around to hump in order to feel like myself again.” Jaina interjected in a monotone voice.
“HEY.” Han’s gruff voice erupted from a room over. It was anyone’s guess as to if he was there on coincidence or if he was deliberately listening in on their conversation.
“Sorry.” She muttered. Luke’s smile never wavered. “Alright. Ben. I’ll see Ben.”
“Sounds great! I’m sure he’ll love to see you.”
“Yeah.” She said, as she got up to take more medicine.
***********
A couple nights later the two of them sat in silence in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, which was downed permanently and collecting dust in an old seldom used docking bay. Jaina was in the pilot’s seat with her feet up, sipping on a beer she snuck out of the kitchen. Ben sat up in the co-pilot’s seat with his hands tucked into his thighs, a nervous habit. He looked around in awe of the outdated switches, bulbs which once glowed with anticipation, now darkened forever. Jaina stared ahead out the window, a disinterested expression gracing her face. The silence hung like a heavy velvet curtain in the air. Finally Jaina spoke up.
“There were two before me and Jacen.”
At first Ben didn’t know what to say. This was the first time she had even mentioned Jacen’s name in months. Finally he uttered “Two?”
“Two perfectly created little babies. A boy and a girl. And mom couldn’t hold on to them.”
Ben sat there in shock. “How did you find out-”
“And now two more were lost.” For the first time Jaina turned her head to look at him. Her eyes had a sickly drug and alcohol induced glaze that sparkled in the little light the night offered. It made Ben even more uncomfortable. “Why.”
“Uh-”
“Why are we left. Why is it us who got a chance in the end, and not them. Why did it take Mom and Dad three tries to get me but Mara only one try for you?”
Ben thought for a while before he answered. “Well…at least you were wanted even more because of …those babies. I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t even want me at first. I don’t think I was planned, and I feel” He took a deep breath. “I feel like I have just been burden ever since I’ve been born.”
“Ben.” Finally some feeling ignited back into Jaina’s eyes. She was groggy still, but now empathy burst its way back into her life. “She was scared, but she still loved you. She always loved you.”
“I was her last thought.” He smiled sadly but sweetly.
“You always thought you were a burden?” She stared at the wild, flame headed kid that always laughed, who glowed like a sun in the Force, like his father. Him. He, too, hated himself.
“Only Jacen and Vestara knew. Hey-” He said reaching over and jostling Jaina. “I feel better now. And you will too! We both survived the wreckage.”
A smile crept across Jaina’s face as she choked back tears. “Thanks, Ben. It’s gonna take a long time. But this is the first time I felt, well, anything in a while.”
“Yeah.” He smiled back. “Let’s go back inside.”