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Growing up, Jay’s mother warned him about people. Mean people. Scary people. Incompetent people. People, she told him, were going to be very frustrating and obnoxious and contrary to deal with, and Jay needed to accept that as a fact of life in order to not go insane.
He wonders why she never warned him about the opposite: someone who got along so well with Jay that all he would ever want to do was spend time with them. He figures she didn’t want to get his hopes up with a statistical anomaly, because there’s only one Heeseung in the world.
Jay is incapable of describing Heeseung neutrally. It comes with the territory, doesn't it? An artist can’t describe his favourite work without bias: he can’t just say he loves the colour blue and leave it at that. He’ll say, “It’s this particular shade of lapis lazuli. My grandmother’s favourite ring was the same colour.” He’ll spout the history, the reasoning behind every decision. The context. The work is at its best with context for the admirer, and Jay has been refining the context of him and Heeseung ever since they met.
The context is: Heeseung is a shy kid. Jongseong didn’t know this at first because he was too busy chattering away with the other kids at summer camp to notice the gawky shadow along the wall. It’s only when they’re picking teams for baseball that he notices how tall Heeseung is for his age, and he points his finger confidently in Heeseung’s direction.
“I want him,” Jongseong declares. Heeseung still never lets him forget how those were his very first words addressed to Heeseung. Heeseung, eyes as wide as a deer’s, shuffles his way to Jongseong’s side of the field. He somehow manages to creep up all the way to Jay’s side without making a sound.
“I’ve never played baseball before,” he whispers, fidgeting anxiously.
“Neither have I,” Jongseong assures him. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll totally beat them.”
An hour later, they’re both sitting on the bleachers, panting from the brutal heat. Their team is losing, and Heeseung hasn’t managed to hit the ball once.
“Sorry,” Heeseung says glumly. “I’m no good at baseball. I’m better at basketball.”
“Well, we’re playing baseball,” Jongseong replies, forgetting every inch of decorum his mother managed to beat into him. He still has enough of a conscience left of him to feel guilty when Heeseung’s face droops even further.
“It’s okay!” he adds hastily. “I’ll help you practice after the game, alright?” For that offer, he gets a tentative smile.
They end up practicing well into the night. Heeseung isn’t a baseball fanatic and neither is Jongseong, but something about throwing and catching the ball over and over again is fun. It might have something to do with how they get distracted halfway through and start talking instead of playing. They bond over how they’re the only two Korean kids at the camp, and then over how their mothers forced them into it.
Heeseung likes Jongseong because he doesn’t care that he definitely contributed to their team losing the game, and he gets enthusiastic about almost anything. Jongseong likes that Heeseung is patient enough to sit through Jongseong talking and that he knows a lot about music. The next day, they’re sitting next to each other at lunchtime and for the rest of the summer.
On the last day, they realize they’ve never asked each other where they live. Jongseong assumes Heeseung lives at most twenty minutes away from him until Heeseung reveals he’s actually been staying with his uncle for the summer.
“LA,” Jongseong repeats, speechless. “You live in LA and you didn’t bother to mention it?”
“It slipped my mind!” Heeseung protests. Their backpacks are slung over their backs, waiting for their parents to come pick them up for the very last time. “My parents wanted me to spend time with him, but he’s busy with work, and this camp seemed interesting.”
“Dude. We’re never going to see each other again.”
Jongseong has visited LA only twice before, and both times were to go to Disneyland. Driving down would take almost 24 hours–something that’s not happening when Jay is nowhere near to getting a driver’s licence.
“Honestly, I’d come back to visit,” Heeseung says, scuffling his feet on the dirt. “But I don’t think I'll be visiting my uncle anytime soon again. My mom’s probably gonna have me take SAT classes next summer.”
Jongseong scrunches his nose in thought. “Why don’t we just exchange phone numbers?”
“Uh, sure.”
Jongseong doesn’t text anyone except his own mother, but it can’t hurt. Heeseung is a nice guy, even if they’ll never see each other again.
“It was fun while it lasted,” Jongseong says mournfully. Heeseung pats his back.
“Have fun in high school.” He’s a year ahead of Jongseong–older only by a few months, but enough to be in the earlier academic year. He’s already warned Jongseong about the dangers of learning physics.
“I will. Have fun graduating in a few years, old man.”
Heeseung puts him in a headlock for that, and it makes Jongseong wheeze so hard that he almost doesn’t tear up when he’s in the backseat of his parents’ car, leaving Heeseung behind to wave in the distance. New friend acquired and left.
High school is an adjustment, Jongseong has to admit. It’s a bigger building. There are more students, more teachers, more subjects and much more pressure for Jay’s academic future. Jay can’t even think of asking out the cute girl at the back of his math class when his mother is ferrying him to orchestra practice and after-school tutoring. He starts going by Jay instead of Jongseong because it sounds slightly cooler and has the added effect of being pronounced correctly whenever teachers read it for attendance.
Time flies by until junior year when one day, he comes home to a stack of shiny pamphlets on the dining table.
“What are these?” he asks, already dubious. His mother looks up from her book.
“Oh, these are from some universities I thought you would be interested in. It would be good for you to get ahead while you can.”
All of them have a variety of pictures where there’s a group of college friends standing in the courtyard, laughing while holding textbooks. He can’t help but be impressed at how they’ve managed to fit at least six different ethnicities in the shot. Jay takes his time flipping through them, noting the size of their undergraduate population and faculty-to-student ratio.
“Of course, Yale or Harvard would be ideal,” his mother adds flippantly. “But Columbia and Stanford aren’t bad, either.”
Jay just sighs, knowing her dreams aren’t coming true. His grades are fine, but if he wanted a real shot at an Ivy, his grandparents should’ve applied when it was their time. He pauses as a headline catches his eye.
“Business economics,” he reads aloud. “That’s not something every university offers.”
His mother pauses to examine her nails. “UCLA is… alright, I suppose. You’re interested?”
He takes a few seconds to consider. He’s always liked Los Angeles the few times he’s visited, with its sunny beaches and variety of restaurants. Combined with the reputation of the school, it’s a solid choice.
“Yeah,” Jay says, swiping the pamphlet to read further in his room. “I am.”
The more he reads about the university, the more he’s convinced it’s his number one choice. Active social scene, academic reputation, great student life? It doesn’t hurt that it’s located in one of the most desirable places in the country. Jay doesn’t love the idea of spending four years in the middle of the wilderness for his education.
The only problem is that he doesn’t know anyone else who’s applying or has applied. Most of his friends are staying in-state, choosing cheaper tuition and saving on living costs by commuting. Jay isn’t rash enough to think he can just move states without further research.
Scrolling through the contacts on his phone, he stops at the contact labelled Heeseung . He never actually even learned his last name. He wonders if Heeseung still remembers him as that friend from summer camp, but Jay doesn’t have anything to lose from reaching out. There’s an iota of guilt at never having tried texting, but it’s smothered by reminding himself Heeseung’s phone works, too.
Hey, this is Jongseong. Is this still Heeseung?
A reply surprisingly comes within minutes.
yeah it is, lol
what’s up?
So he does remember Jay, after all.
Ha, sorry for never reaching out after camp. Life got busy. You live in LA, right?
no worries
and yeah, I do
attending ucla, actually
Jay blinks in surprise. He supposes it’s not too shocking, considering it was probably the obvious choice when Heeseung already lived in the city.
That’s crazy, I was just gonna ask you about UCLA
Considering applying there for uni
seriously?
I’m assuming you wanted to ask for more info, then
would be happy to help
It seems as if Heeseung hasn’t changed much from how Jay remembered: thankfully nice and friendly. He takes a moment to pull up a list of questions he’d prepared and sends a prayer that Heeseung still has the patience to withstand Jay’s questions.
Heeseung is a great advisor: he patiently answers all of Jay’s questions, even when they’re silly like Are people in California really fake (no, people can be way more smiley and social than other places, but there are catty people everywhere).
Heeseung ends their conversation with an encouraging message when Jay tells him about the major he’s aiming for.
business econ is competitive, but i’m sure you’ll get in
especially if you’re half as passionate about it as you were about baseball
Jay can’t help but smile at the memory of coaching him. It’s nice to know that they’ve both remembered each other over the years.
Surprisingly, the two of them keep texting as Jay debates between his options. At first, it’s just because Heeseung is completely separate from everything else in Jay’s life: it’s the kind of interaction you only get with strangers when they’re isolated from everything else about you. It’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t personally know the people Jay is shit-talking.
Can you believe he had the audacity to trash talk UCLA specifically knowing I applied there?
I’m so sick of people thinking an Ivy is the only acceptable option
If I went to community college I think my mom would get a heart attack
lmao you can only expect so much from asian moms
surprised she didn’t put up a bigger fight against a public school
She trusts me enough to know what I want
Which I know is rare
completely get it
gave my parents an aneurysm when I told them I wanted to study music
it’s what you’ll do for the rest of your life tho (hopefully) so don’t let anyone pressure you
It’s reassuring, knowing someone is in his corner. Even if it’s only because there’s technically no other corner for Heeseung to be in. Heeseung’s fast at replying to his texts, although they both have an unspoken agreement to not spam each other with messages. Sometimes, Jay forgets that he hasn’t actually seen Heeseung for two years with how familiar they are with each other now.
gonna fall asleep in class
the prof is boring af
another thing: get ready for classes where you’re copying notes off a powerpoint you could’ve made yourself
Well
I guess I’ll know what you’re talking about soon
I’m coming down for a campus tour next month
oh my god, I forgot you’re a senior now
do you wanna meet up when you’re here?
Of course
You did a good job on selling me on this
Jay lets out a sigh of relief as he puts down his phone. Now, he only has to worry about which clothes to pack for the trip.
He’s not visiting in the peak summer months, but the glare of the sun in September is still enough to make Jay start sweating the moment he exits the airport.
“Oh my God,” his mother says, fanning herself. “Are you sure about moving here? What if you get heat stroke?”
Jay checks his phone to see the latest text from Heeseung. It’s a message promising to give Jay his very own campus tour with all the important details, like the fastest route between classes and where to cry in public without anyone seeing.
“It’s not that different from back home, mom. And I’m meeting up with a friend. He’s gonna show me around campus.”
“What friend? I didn’t know you had friends in LA.”
“Heeseung. Remember that summer camp you made me attend? I met him there.”
“That was years ago! And you just decided to meet up with him after not seeing each other for so long?”
“Don’t think too hard about it.”
To be honest, it’s not as if Jay doesn’t have his own misgivings. He’s certain Heeseung isn’t a serial killer, but they haven’t seen each other since they were kids. It’s taking a chance on a maybe-stranger, but all he has to do is flick through all their past conversations leading up to this meeting. He texted Heeseung what he had for dinner yesterday, for fuck’s sake. Heeseung had replied with a complaint about how his roommate wasn’t taking out the trash like he was supposed to. Jay didn’t think he had bad intentions when he endured Jay’s whinging without blocking him.
The nerves still make him tap his fingers against the car door all the way to the campus. It’s not enough that he’s meeting Heeseung, but his mother is along for the ride. She had insisted that he can’t possibly expect her to leave her son alone with a stranger in another state, then demanded to know every detail about him. Jay could only try to describe him from his Instagram profile picture, which everyone knew was too small anyway to get a good look.
Heads up, my mom is coming along
Sorry but she’s not leaving my side this entire weekend
No response, and they’re meeting in ten minutes. Jay turns off his phone so he can’t check it every five seconds.
They had agreed to meet at the campus entrance, and Jay had assumed that he still remembered enough of Heeseung’s appearance to not have to ask for any defining details. He regrets it now, with the swarm of prospective students all over campus. With everyone around the same age, Heeseung would blend right in the middle of the crowd. It’s his mother who ends up spotting him, jostling Jay in the elbow.
“Is that your friend? You said he’s tall, right? Why is he wearing all-black in this weather? You should let him know it’s not very smart.”
Jay ignores her comments as he hops out of the car, finally spotting Heeseung by his height again. This time, he’s sporting a head of dark red hair which should make him look ridiculous but instead works with whatever aesthetic he’s got going on. He looks bored and completely relaxed, in stark contrast to the wide-eyed tourists surrounding him.
“Hey,” Jay says, heart pounding in his chest. Then he opens his mouth again to say, “You don’t look like a beanpole anymore.”
He has no idea what possessed him to say that, but it makes Heeseung’s face break into a smile, and for a moment he thinks they never stopped being friends if he can still make Heeseung look like that.
“Hi, Jongseong,” Heeseung says liltingly. “It’s nice to see you too after so long.”
He has to take a moment to observe Heeseung’s appearance. He still has doe eyes, but framed by the bangs of his hair and grown into his cheekbones, Heeseung has matured into his facial features. When he smiles at Jay, he doesn't look like that shy wallflower anymore: he looks a little more self-assured, holding himself apart from the crowd. Jay doesn't know how or when he learned to, but he finds that he likes that newfound confidence in Heeseung. He wonders what he looks like now to Heeseung.
“This is so strange,” he remarks. “Who would’ve thought that we’d be seeing each other after so long?”
Heeseung grins, but before he can reply, Jay’s mother finally catches up to both of them. Jay is left gaping like a fish for a few seconds, wondering how to introduce the both of them to each other before Heeseung steps forward with a pleasant smile.
“Hi, Mrs. Park. I’m Heeseung, Jongseong’s friend.”
His manners, along with how he bows, cements him as a respectable figure in his mother’s head. Jay watches, amazed, as Heeseung convinces her that it’ll be fine to leave Jay with him for a tour. Yes, he’s trustworthy–didn’t she remember how they had met at that one summer camp? How could a boy who played baseball with her son have nefarious intentions?
Well, that wasn’t technically what he said, but it sounded like it to Jay. In the end, she waves them goodbye as she heads off to get another iced coffee for the day. Jay’s left staring at Heeseung.
“When did you learn how to do that?”
Heeseung shrugs. “It’s a lot easier to charm adults than people my own age. They like it when you’re a little nervous and shy.” Jay nudges him in the shoulder, almost accidentally pushing him over.
“I still remember when you barely spoke a word to anyone at camp.”
“What can I say? I’m a changed person.”
He really is. The sun-streaked memories of those few months spent together have faded quite a bit in Jay’s head, but he still remembers just how withdrawn Heeseung had been for his age. It doesn’t seem as if he’ll be a social butterfly anytime soon, but Heeseung has no trouble casually flashing a smile at people while they walk by. Seeing Heeseung in-person after communicating so often over text is jarring, like a celebrity or pop star stepping out of his phone into reality. Jay can’t stop himself from drinking in the little details that are impossible to absorb over the phone: the exact timbre of his voice; how his arms swing as he walks.
“...and this is the library. I’d say this is the most popular one on campus, so only come here if you’re okay with people whispering and giggling. Of course, if it’s during finals, you can always tell them to shut up.”
Jay snaps back to attention. “Any tips for when finals come around?”
Heeseung grimaces. “Honestly, not really. Give up on trying to have a healthy sleep schedule, because it’s just not going to happen. But don’t have too many energy drinks.”
As Heeseung continues to give advice, Jay is struck by the single year separating them. A year isn’t much, not in the long run, but in the gap between adolescence and maybe-adulthood, it feels like a lot. It feels insurmountable when Heeseung is already comfortable in this unfamiliar place with friends Jay have never met, and Jay is just about to take his first few tentative steps into the world without his parents.
He must’ve been quiet for too long, because now Heeseung is looking at him with slightly concerned eyes. “Are you alright?”
Jay waves a hand in reassurance. “I’m fine. Just… really thinking about how I might actually be here next year. Moving away from home, too. I guess I’m nervous.”
“Are you kidding? I stayed in the same city, with the same people I’ve known all my life and was still almost sick on my first day. I think you’re already doing a lot better than me, considering someplace out of state.”
“Really?”
And Jay doesn’t mean for it to come out so planitive, so plainly in need of comfort, but Heeseung must hear it nonetheless.
“Hey. It’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay. You’re going to get accepted into your top choice, you’re gonna kill it in your first year. I can see the future, you know?” A pause. “Not to overstep, but do you want a hug? This seems like a hug moment.”
That makes Jay laugh a little, how Heeseung still babbles a lot whenever it gets a little awkward. “Yeah, a hug would be nice.”
Heeseung is still lanky, arms unwieldy when trying to hug Jay. Jay nevertheless sighs into it, head resting on Heeseung’s collarbone. The cologne he’s wearing is woody, and normally Jay doesn’t like that as a note in perfume, but it works on Heeseung. The physical reminder that the world isn’t moving too fast, that Jay still has people to rely on, helps him calm down.
When they pull apart, Heeseung clears his throat self consciously. “I hope you liked that tour.”
Jay can't stop from smiling a little at his nervousness. It's a little endearing how Heeseung can still feel awkward. “You’re an awesome tour guide. Definitely contributed to being my number one choice for next year.”
“Seriously?”
At his disbelief, Jay lets out a laugh. “It already was, to be honest, but your tour helped. If everything goes right—you’ll see me around in the fall.”
And seeing Heeseung light up at him saying that—it’s nice, Jay thinks. It's nice to have a friend who'll be happy to see him, who'll keep him company in a new and strange place. He thinks he could've done a lot worse than randomly picking Heeseung for his baseball team all those years ago, if it meant their paths intersect again today.
are you good?
It's fair for Heeseung to ask when Jay has been incognito for the past week without an explanation. It's the last push in senior year, he thinks, in the midst of sending out applications and being slammed with exams. He's been so drained that even the thought of having to reply to Heeseung makes him crawl right back into bed, but he doesn't know how to explain why without becoming uncomfortably honest about how he's feeling.
To be honest, no
But sorry for disappearing without saying anything
oh
you don't have to text if you don't want to
but if you want to talk, i'm here
It's kind of serious
and i am super serious all the time
ok but jokes aside what are friends for if not to listen when you're having a hard time
Well
I've just been kind of exhausted lately
But it's the type that doesn't go away no matter what I do
even when you're just doing your daily routine?
Yeah
Maybe it's because of my daily routine
I'm so tired everyday when I wake up and go to sleep
I don't really look forward to anything
Is that weird?
if it goes on for a while, I think so
you're in a stressful period rn with applying for uni and in senior year
but to that extent for a long time would get worrisome
how much sleep do you get?
Probably five hours a day, max
The worst days are all-nighters
that's a huge sign
if you don't get enough sleep, you're not going to feel good no matter what else you try
Okay but I can't because there's just so much to do
Extracurriculars plus studying to keep up my grades
Forget about being social, haven't seen my friends in weeks and it'll probably stay that way
do you think your grades are good enough for ucla?
Most likely, yes
But I want to keep it up to maximize my chances
well you're not getting in if you're DEAD before then
Very funny
but seriously
jongseong, you’re a smart and capable person
I know you can make it in
just don't overexert yourself to the point where it's not worth it
Now how do you know that??? You don't even know my grades, I could be lying to your face
you're kidding me
you're smart, talented, driven and have parents with high expectations
Now how did you know that
ok it’s not as if you're that hard to read
I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on your personality even when we’re basically virtual friends
I feel the same way, actually
Isn't that kind of strange? Like, you know me better than most of my friends I know irl do
considering how often we text, I don't think so
you texted me complaining about how your parents refuse to turn the thermometer up even in winter
how can you not know a person after that
Well that was IMPORTANT, I felt like someone had to know how mistreated I am in this household
But I do actually text you the most, I think it's because it's never boring talking to you
it’s because I'm fascinated by your daily struggles… like your fight with the thermometer
I am aware that I provide free entertainment
You should feel lucky that I don't plan on stopping anytime soon
Jay isn’t quite sure how to classify Heeseung. He knows having online friends is normal, and Heeseung technically isn’t even one when they originally met in-person. It’s just a little strange to explain to people that his best friend is someone who he’s rarely seen. His mother sighs whenever she sees him texting, but after meeting him she approves of Heeseung’s influence. Jay can’t remember exactly what Heeseung’s haircut looks like, but he knows the cadence of Heeseung’s voice when speaking. It’s in his texts.
How much distance is needed to erase familiarity? If Jay were to be asked about it, he would say only as much as you think is needed. It would take a thousand years and a different solar system for him to feel estranged from Heeseung. It’s partly belief, he thinks. If you believe hard enough, that there is another person trying just as hard to believe they know you, it strengthens your own. And he knows Heeseung is always there on the other end of the phone.
Guess what.
you got into ucla?????????????
You weren't supposed to guess THAT quickly. But yes I did
congratulations, I always knew you could do it!
:)
any plans for celebrating?
Probably a nice dinner with my parents
you deserve it
should be super proud of yourself
proud of you too
And Jay knows that he doesn't need any external validation, not when he knows firsthand how hard he tried for this result, but it still makes him feel shiny. Like a warm ball of light glowing at Heeseung’s affirmation that he deserved acknowledgement.
Thank you, he types back.
Jay grunts when he's finishing hauling his suitcase up five flights of stairs. There's only one elevator for countless floors and he figured it was a good way to get his cardio in. He fumbles for the keys to the door, jiggling them foolishly for a few minutes before getting it right and unlocking the door for the first time.
He's already sorted out his roommate situation: two other people picked off a Facebook group for students, hopefully not potential serial killers. Sunoo and Jungwon, both Korean students who also happened to be out-of-state and looking for strangers to live with.
He sees Jungwon for the first time when he's arranging the dishes in the kitchen cupboards, back turned against the door. When Jay awkwardly clears his throat, Jungwon whirls around in surprise. The first word which comes to mind is cute , with round, shiny eyes and a head of hair which admittedly makes him look like a coconut. An adorable one, though.
“Are you Jay?”
“Yeah, it's nice to meet you.”
They're both a little timid in the beginning, of course, being stuck together for the next eight months with no prior contact, but Jay thinks he’ll get along just fine with Jungwon. The place looks clean, and Jungwon explains that Sunoo has already moved in and was exploring the campus.
When they've finished making small talk, Jay enters his designated room and heads straight for the bed, luggage left in the middle of the room. He stares up at the yellow of the ceiling light, trying to rationalize the last few hours. He's here for university, and he's here to stay. The sparsely furnished room is intimidating in its emptiness, a reminder of the warm home he’s left behind in Seattle.
Finally moved in. Roommate doesn't seem like a potential serial killer
want me to visit?
Yes please
Heeseung’s there in under five minutes. He was the one to recommend the place to Jay, having known the previous neighbouring students who were graduating. He would've invited Jay to move in if not for his own roommates being close friends who were sticking around for another year. When Jay opens the front door, he's struck by a sense of relief. Heeseung technically shouldn't be familiar, but he is. He's a reminder that Jay isn't a brand new person here, surrounded by strangers.
They’re settled in Jay’s room, because he’s not quite sure yet what Jungwon and Sunoo will think of having guests over. Having him so close to Jay still feels a little surreal after years of distance.
“How’s your first day so far?”
Jay levels him an unimpressed look. “What do you think.” It doesn’t come out as a question. The air conditioner, for some reason, has yet to kick in. His hair is limp on his head from the exertion of making it here.
Heeseung only cackles in response.
Even with Heeseung by his side and Jungwon and Sunoo to accompany him to most classes, Jay gets turned around. He’s one of the last people to enter a large class, cringing as the door slams behind him and he scurries to the back row. He can’t type fast enough to take notes and schedule all the assignment deadlines into his calendar–it’s just blocks of colour, now, with a depressingly short amount of free time. Here, he’s just one of thousands trying to rush to their next commitment while scarfing down a meal. At the end of the week, he finds himself at Heeseung’s place.
“I know university is all about trying new things, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, blah blah blah,” Jay says, taking off his shoes and backpack at the entrance. “Especially the first month. But all I really want to do tonight is watch Netflix with you.”
Heeseung pauses the TV from the living room. “Seriously? You don’t want to attend any of the parties? You could meet some new friends.”
Jay feels a headache coming on at the idea of trying to introduce himself with the same three facts to people who won’t bother remembering them. “No, thanks. I’ll try tomorrow, but I'll go insane if I force myself to speak to any more strangers.”
“Your choice, then. I have popcorn, if you want any.”
“Popcorn sounds fantastic.”
And it’s just as good as he thought it would be, sinking into the couch with blankets and pillows as Heeseung surfs the recommendations. They settle on a no-name k-drama, and by episode three Jay is fuming at the evil stepmother foiling the poor protagonist’s love life. The plot is full of holes, the budget is clearly shoestring, and the only saving grace of the show is how good the male love interest’s face looks when he’s not trying to act. It’s amazing.
Jay can’t really shut up his commentary when watching something. Especially when it’s bad. It’s annoyed his mother to the point where she’s left him alone to watch TV, claiming she couldn’t concentrate. Heeseung, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to mind. He either laughs or starts arguing with Jay on some of his comments, and it just gets Jay more fired up until the two of them are half-yelling at each other over some dumb show. It’s the kind of argument where he can’t stop smiling the whole time.
Anything he says, Heeseung already knows. It's one of those things you can't fake with someone, that you'll find with maybe one or two or three people your entire life. Without a glance, without a word, they already know. If you look over at them, they're already looking back at you with a smile on their face. Heeseung is always looking at him when Jay turns.
He falls asleep like that, knocked out on Heeseung’s shoulder. When he wakes up, Heeseung is gone but the blanket is pulled over him. His back hurts from sleeping on the couch, but he supposes that’s what he gets for being too tired to walk the twenty metres back to his own place. When Jay checks his phone, Heeseung has already texted him.
left for a class, checked your calendar and there wasn’t anything. sleep however long you want, there’s lunch in the fridge
For the hundredth time, Jay’s grateful for the Google calendar he shares with Heeseung. It makes scheduling anything much easier, and it means Heeseung can foresee when Jay can rest. He’s in the middle of opening the fridge when he hears footsteps and the front door being unlocked. It’s a little embarrassing to be caught by one of Heeseung’s roommates this early when he feels like a mess. It turns out to be Jake: they’ve met enough to be casual around each other, but he still feels a little like a thief even when he has a right to be here.
“Hey,” Jake says, looking confused. “Sorry for asking, but why are you here so early?”
“Sorry,” Jay apologizes on instinct. “I was here with Heeseung last night, and I just woke up.”
Jake is—attractive. Not that Jay is attracted to Jake. But Jake’s features are so classically handsome: full lips, big, brown eyes which can smoulder or sparkle, depending on what he wants; a swoop of hair which can make him look like the boy-next-door you've been dreaming of or the star of the latest magazine. There's nothing to dislike about him when he has a 4.0 GPA and volunteers at animal shelters in his spare time. Heeseung has told him before about all the brokenhearted guys and girls who try to show up at their door for a second chance with Jake. Jake isn't interested in them.
Judging by the hurt on his face, he's interested in Heeseung.
Jay thinks he’d have to be an idiot to miss it. Not that Jake isn’t friendly with him, but it’s in a bickering way, the kind of casual interaction siblings have over anything from small to big things. It always fades away when Heeseung enters the room, though: Jake becomes something sweet, cheeks darkening a little too much when Heeseung is near him. It’s kind of fascinating, like watching a specimen act around its kryptonite, but Jay keeps that thought to himself.
But as he stares at Jake, Jay realizes that he’s neglected a crucial part of the puzzle: what Heeseung himself knows. Because after years of knowing Heeseung, one thing Jay is certain about is that Heeseung can’t miss how people feel about him. He’s scarily attuned to how people treat him, and there’s no chance he’s missed Jake’s smiles reserved for him.
“Oh,” Jay says, thoughts moving too sluggishly to keep up a normal conversation. He doesn't know how to explain without looking like a fool that he and Heeseung are just friends. The way he had phrased it doesn’t help the misunderstanding playing in Jake’s head.
Jake tilts his head, and for the first time since they've met, Jay feels a frisson of apprehension at the look he's giving Jay. The easygoing aura he always projects is gone, in its place a tenseness he doesn't know how to break.
“That’s nice.”
Jake is definitely a little testy about this, and Jay tries to put himself in his shoes. The facts he holds: Jake has something for Heeseung. Probably a little more than a passing interest, considering how tense he’s holding himself. Probably not easy, considering they’re roommates and see each other everyday and have signed the same lease for until the end of the school year. But that’s between them, not Jay.
He offers a weak smile. “Yup.”
Jay can’t stop thinking about it the next time he sees Heeseung. They’re best friends; they tell each other everything. He feels like knowing one of his roommates likes him necessitates a casual mention, at least.
And nobody ever described Jay using the word subtle, so it’s the first sentence out of his mouth when he meets Heeseung on campus. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Heeseung hasn’t even fully removed his headphones yet, blinking up from his laptop, so he looks rightfully bemused at Jay’s demand. “Tell you what?”
Jay looks around in their general area, as if anyone here even knows them. “That Jake likes you.” He’s not sure what kind of reaction he’s expecting: maybe denial, reluctance to admit what Jay’s referring to?
Instead, Heeseung makes a face. “Oh, God.” It adds to the story Jay’s been building in his head, that Heeseung really is aware of it but pretending not to be. And Jay does love a good story. “Okay, let me explain. I swear I’m not–leading him on, or anything.”
“I never said you were.” Jay can’t imagine Heeseung treating somebody’s earnest feelings so flippantly: he’s too soft for that.
At that, Heeseung gives him a wry smile. “Why am I telling you when you’ve probably already figured it out?” Jay can’t help but feel a little pleased at how Heeseung assumes he already understands. “Yes, I know he has–a crush, I guess. It is a little obvious, how he acts around me. But I’m not–interested.”
Now, this is the part Jay hadn’t thought much about: why Heeseung didn’t reciprocate. The two of them have never talked much about romance–it just doesn’t come up between them. As far as boyfriends go, though, there’s nothing wrong with Jake. Most people would kill for someone as cute and smart as him. He doesn’t need to say anything for Heeseung to continue.
“I like him. As a person, as a friend, definitely. But romantically, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m the right person for him.”
Jay thinks about how Heeseung had to enlist his help to organize his closet. Before Jay had stepped in, Heeseung had just been throwing his favourite pair of jeans and sweater onto a chair to wear everyday. He thinks of all the nights Heeseung has stayed up late to game, blearily answering Jay’s calls at eight in the morning while wearing the same shirt he'd been wearing two days ago with energy drinks littering his desk. Not to say that Heeseung was a slob, but aesthetics and organisation were low on his list of priorities. He takes a moment to think about Jake, with his pristine, white teeth and oversized sweaters, carefully styled to look as if he didn't style it.
“Also…” Heeseung deliberates for a moment. “You didn’t hear it from me, but I think it’s best for Jake and Sunghoon.”
That gets Jay’s eyes to widen. “Jake and Sunghoon? Am I missing something?”
Heeseung brings a finger to his lips, shushing him. “Yes, you are. Just trust me on this, okay? There’s no reason for me to be interested in Jake when he already has someone willing to be his boyfriend.”
He’s replaying every interaction he’s seen between Sunghoon and Jake, trying to remember if he missed any clues. Jay comes up blank: he knows they’re good friends, and it’s understandable when good friends look happy around each other. He wrinkles his nose when Heeseung still hasn’t removed his finger.
“I don’t know how you’re always seeing things I miss,” he complains.
That causes Heeseung to smile, eyes forming crescents as he returns to his work. “It’s fun.”
It’s dumb, but Jay finds himself unable to sleep later that night. There’s something nagging at the back of his head, but he can’t quite figure out what until he bolts upright in bed and grabs his phone.
So I was thinking
When I asked you why you weren’t interested in Jake
You just said you didn’t think you were the “right person for him”
That’s so vague
jongseong
it’s 3am
And??? You’re awake too
I meant what I said
how can I get any more clear than that
Okay but then who’s the right person
And why exactly are you not
You KNOW I need details
ok
I don’t think I can be the person who provides the reassurance he needs
Sunghoon can
Oh
Why
I’m a little too busy entertaining someone else rn
almost as if someone won’t stop texting at 3am
Be quiet, I know you stay up to game anyway
But okay
Explanation accepted
I live to serve
And he’s gotten his explanation: he should be able to sleep just fine. And Jay almost does, except–
Wait a second. He fumbles to unlock his phone again, swiping to his and Heeseung’s conversation. “A little too busy entertaining someone else”. He’s obviously talking about Jay. No one else is texting him this late at night. But why would he mention Jay as a reason why he’s not interested in Jake?
He was close to falling asleep, but now it’s as if electricity is coursing through him. Jay’s fingers are trembling as he peers closer at the words as if they’ll grant him an explanation that makes sense. Heeseung is sarcastic, sometimes. This can be taken as teasing. As in, Heeseung is so preoccupied with Jay that he doesn’t have time for Jake.
Which sounds–Jay genuinely can’t tell what it sounds like. Is it normal to be with a friend so much you won’t consider dating? Common sense says no, but his head says yes when he considers it with Heeseung. He doesn’t have time for a boyfriend when he’s too busy cooking for Heeseung and spending time with him. And obviously he would want to spend more time with Heeseung than someone he doesn’t know as well, isn’t as close to, but–isn’t that everyone else? Wouldn’t he always pick Heeseung first?
He chucks his phone at the floor, because it’s clearly not helping him. When Jungwon sees him the next morning, he winces at Jay’s face.
“Uh. You have some pretty noticeable eyebags today.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Jay says robotically. He doesn’t add, I have them from thinking too deeply about the implication of my best friend always prioritizing me. And wondering if I'm just reading too much into a single text because now I CAN’T STOP THINKING.
He ends up telling himself that it’s normal on the way to class. It just doesn’t work on the panicked butterflies in his stomach. It doesn’t make him concentrate in class when he should be taking notes but he’s thinking about how he’s supposed to meet with Heeseung for lunch today, and now he’s worrying about how he should act when he’s never second-guessed himself around Heeseung in his life.
What if he really meant what you think it means, a tiny voice in the back of his head asks. Then what.
Jay doesn’t know what he’s expecting. Heeseung looks the exact same, slouchy as always as he slides into the seat across from Jay. The hoodie he’s wearing is oversized and looks so comfy that Jay has to resist the urge to touch it.
“You look horrible,” he says in greeting. “Here’s some green tea.”
Jay wordlessly accepts the drink gratefully, half because he really is feeling the effects of sleep deprivation, half because he doesn’t know what to say in response. Nothing has changed. It causes him to jolt in surprise when Heeseung is the first to indirectly talk about it.
“This is what you get for staying up late and asking me dumb questions,” he’s saying, looking resigned. “I don’t even know why you were still thinking about it.”
Jay’s tongue feels heavy when he speaks. “I guess just curiosity.”
He gets an unimpressed eyebrow raise for that lacklustre response. “Sure. Anything you need to tell me about your own love life?”
“No.”
Jay is so short that it definitely piques Heeseung’s interest. He looks as if he wants to say more, but all of a sudden, Jay is hit with a wave of impatience. He doesn’t know why he’s not asking Heeseung directly about this. He doesn’t know why he’s pretending as if he didn’t know what he felt at the idea of him and Heeseung.
“I don’t want to get to know someone else like I know you,” Jay says plainly. “There’s nobody out there like you anyway. You’re my favourite, but I think you already knew that.”
And it’s so fucking anticlimactic, saying it among the bustle of students going about their day. He didn’t come prepared with an idea or a speech, and he didn't know he was going to say that until five seconds ago. It’s just him and his best friend staring at each other across the table. Heeseung’s eyes are shining like stars. They’ve always been warm and round, but now they look at Jay with what he recognizes as love. The kind where it’s been inevitable all along, but they still had a lovely time getting here. The kind which colours Jay’s world golden, because knowing he holds Heeseung’s heart feels like being bathed in daylight.
“Yes,” Heeseung says, and Jay knows he’s responding to more than his last statement. “Yes, I did.”
So: Jay has a boyfriend now. So does Heeseung. They don’t make a big deal out of it, but when Jay casually tells Jungwon and Sunoo, they both roll their eyes.
“Finally,” Jungwon says, always one to sass Jay. “Do you think you can move in with him next year? You always take too long to wash the dishes.”
“Excuse me? What other roommate would make curry for you after you come home from dance practice?”
“I think that’s great news,” Sunoo interrupts, always bright in the face of Jay’s happiness. “I really thought it would take forever for one of you to say something.”
Jay makes a face at that. Maybe it would’ve taken longer to get together, maybe not. Heeseung would’ve still been waiting with him.
Their first official date is at a nice restaurant. It’s Jay who insists on making the reservations and dressing up, because while Heeseung is still his best friend, he’s also Jay’s boyfriend. And Jay’s boyfriend deserves the best of fine dining.
“Oh my God,” Heeseung whispers when they receive the third course. It’s a piece of miso black cod approximately half the size of Jay’s palm. “Is this the size of all the dishes? I could literally inhale this.”
“It’s a gastronomic experience,” Jay says, but he’s already looking up the best ramen spots nearby. Some things never change.
They end up scarfing down two bowls after the dinner, which Heeseung admits to being “tasty but miniscule, I swear they’re feeding mice”. It’s Jay who suggests going to the beach to walk it all off, even when it’s dark and officially winter. Wandering onto the sand feels strange when nobody is around, the wind as the only ambient sound. He keeps almost losing sight of Heeseung when his outfit and hair blends in too well with the night.
“You know,” Jay says, breaking the silence, “I didn’t think I’d get a boyfriend my very first year of uni.”
Heeseung humours him. “Oh? When did you expect to get one?”
“Honestly, not anytime soon. I was willing to wait for something I was sure about.”
“You were sure about me, though. Remember what you said to me when we first met? You picked me for baseball, and said, ‘I want him’.”
Jay squawks and hits Heeseung’s arm. “You remember that? I didn’t even know you!”
“Yeah, and you still wanted me.” Smugness on Heeseung sounds good. The things Jay have always noticed as attractive before, he can now openly appreciate. When he had told Heeseung that, Heeseung had simply laughed before informing him he still knew.
“So confident,” Jay drawls. “We'll see how you act when I go home for winter break.” It came quicker than he thought it would, the semester passing in the blink of an eye. He already knows he’ll miss Heeseung an unhealthy amount for the month.
“You’ll do just fine,” Heeseung says, unaffected. “Didn’t you say you wanted to travel after graduation?”
“Well, yes, but you’re obviously coming with me!”
“Sorry, I thought you were gonna go on the typical solo backpacking trip across Europe to ‘find yourself’ like everyone does.”
"No," Jay says, making a face. "I don't need to be apart from you to know—it wouldn't be very fun." They’ve technically been apart for longer than they’ve been together.
Heeseung shrugs. "You never know. You're independent. You moved to a different state by yourself."
Jay feels a flicker of impatience, for Heeseung to be so obtuse. "You don't get it."
"Get what?" Even though he doesn't sound like it, Heeseung's teasing him. Jay knows that he knows that Jay would definitely miss him. He stubbornly forges on.
"It would be like–going away from home. You don't realize how many things you miss until you don't have them anymore. Especially the things that shouldn't matter, like how the water tastes, or what colour the tree leaves are, or the size of the roads. It's just—off. Like it was designed wrongly."
He knows he goes off on spiels, sometimes. It's not his fault he has a lot to say about a lot of things. Heeseung isn't saying anything, just studying his face. Jay doesn't know what he's expecting to find when he just said it all aloud. He’s gorgeous, even when Jay can’t see the fine details of his face in the lack of light.
"Sometimes, I wonder how you say the things you do."
Jay smirks. "Like it's hard?"
"Some people don't find it as easy."
It’s Jay’s turn to shrug. “But it is easy. It’s not something you have to think very hard about, when it’s a good thing. Didn’t you know? We’ve never had a serious argument before.”
Heeseung opens his mouth, then closes it. “I think you’re right.”
“I know I’m right. Debates don’t count. And that’s a little strange, right? Everyone says it’s normal to fight at least a few times.”
“Yes,” Heeseung agrees cautiously. He most likely already knows what point Jay is going to make next.
“But you never worried about that, even when it could be considered abnormal.”
“That’s because–there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Why? What makes it different?”
“Don’t make me say it.” It comes out exasperated, but the fondness is undeniable. Jay hides a smile.
They lightly squabble all the time. Jay harps on Heeseung for gaming too long without sleeping or eating or just moving like a physical human being should. Heeseung sighs when he has to coax Jay out of bed after a long week and clean up all the dishes he’s let pile up in the sink. Jungwon and Sunoo don’t blink an eye anymore when Heeseung lets himself into their apartment with the key Jay gave him. But being truly angry is reserved for other people who don’t cut through Jay’s temper with an easygoing attitude and an earnestness behind their every action. Heeseung doesn’t even have to try to get along with Jay, and he knows it.
When you acquire something precious, your first, second and third thought is worrying about how you’re going to keep it. A precious gemstone, a dream job, a marriage: the fear of letting it somehow slip through your fingers can be stronger than the pleasure of obtaining it. Jay doesn’t think about Heeseung like that. Heeseung isn’t something he managed to snag purely by luck and fortune; he’s someone who chooses to stay by Jay everyday. At first, it was through an electronic screen, typing a few messages a day. Now, it’s accompanying Jay through life.
"You should be here," Jay says, wrinkling his nose. Heeseung looks quizzical.
"Here?"
Jay presses himself against Heeseung’s side because he can. "Here. Next to me. You should stay here."
At that, Heeseung gives a surprised shout of laughter, eyes forming into crescents. "You just want to use me for my body heat."
Jay nods, shivering when a particularly strong gust of wind hits them. "That was the plan."
They stand in silence for a few more seconds. Jay’s teeth are close to chattering, but Heeseung breaks first. “Okay, let’s get back in the car. I don’t want to freeze to death.”
“I was waiting for you to say that.”
“Well, you won that one.”
“I really did,” Jay says, unable to keep smugness from leaking into his tone. Heeseung throws him a look from the other side of the car, annoyed but endeared. It’s Jay’s favourite expression on him. It makes him want to wriggle in his jacket from the warmth which buzzes in him. Heeseung is already reversing out of the parking space, half-distracted as he converses with Jay.
“What did you want for dessert?”
“Whatever you want for dessert.”
It’s physically impossible to stop the smile from spreading on Jay’s face. “Stop being considerate. It’s making things difficult.”
“I will never stop trying to make your life difficult.”
Oh my God, I love you, Jay thinks. Please never stop trying to make my life difficult.
He thinks Heeseung has a pretty good idea of what’s going on in his head, based on how he’s biting his lip to keep from smiling at Jay.
“Get that smile off your face. You have nothing to smile about.”
“Whatever you say,” Heeseung says diplomatically. This is how it works: Jay puts up a fake fuss, Heeseung plays along with him, and everyone has a fun time. They’ve done it a million times, and they’ll do it a billion times more. Jay likes the idea of that.
And Jay is only a measly nineteen-year old. He's still struggling to think of three meals a day to eat, he hasn't started studying for his next exam and is nowhere near prepared for the real world (eg. corporate torture). He hasn't done half the things he's wanted to, and he knows there's a lot he hasn't seen and people he hasn't met yet who will change his life.
But when he thinks of Heeseung—he just knows it doesn't get any better than this. With the way he can't stop smiling when he receives a text; when Heeseung updates him about the most mundane details of his life; when they're together and chattering about everything and nothing and Jay feels what he thinks peace might feel like. There isn't another person in the universe like him, and if there happens to be, it just means someone else will end up very, very happy with their very own Heeseung.
It's a lazy thought, the one which drifts across his mind: I wish I could exist with you forever. He doesn’t want immortality, but he wants endless days with Heeseung. Instead of voicing it, he looks over at Heeseung. Heeseung’s already staring back, and Jay is about to protest at him not paying attention to the road before he realizes they’re at a red light. They turn it into a staring competition which Jay loses first, blinking away tears at the sting.
“I won,” Heeseung says, grinning. Even Jay thinks it would be too cheesy to say No, I did, so he just holds Heeseung’s hand over the centre console while he can.