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“Guess who.” Liv knew full well it was a slightly silly question. There were only the three of them here and the Doctor's hands were far rougher than her own, but Helen played along anyway as she reached around her and covered her eyes. She laughed softly, leaning back a little into what could almost be called an embrace. It certainly felt like that, though Liv would have rebuffed any such insinuation.
“You know that only works when you don’t speak,” Helen hummed. “I would know your voice anywhere.”
“I should try an accent next time,” Liv chuckled, dropping her hands and the linguist turned around, grinning.
“Please don’t,” she gave back and regarded her with a soft smile of greeting. “Hello.”
“Hello,” the med-tech answered promptly, unable to keep the note of affection from her voice. She was toeing a fine line, even more so of late. It felt as though something was slowly changing, ever since her friend had found her long lost brother, and while she had no expectation of where it might go, she would wait and see. She had time, just so long as she could spend it with Helen, she was in no rush. “You disappeared so quickly after dinner, but I guess I should have known you’re here,” she observed, casting her eyes around the library, her best friend's favourite retreat.
“Where else?” The linguist offered a shy smile, cradling several books against her chest and Liv couldn’t help but shake her head to herself, bemused.
“Don’t tell me you’ve run out of things to read, I helped you carry about ten books to your room only last week,” she observed, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“Oh, you know what it’s like, sometimes you just don’t fancy what you have to hand.” She looked back to the book shelf and Liv’s curiosity was piqued.
“And what takes your fancy tonight, Miss Sinclair?” she asked, reaching for the books she was holding.
“Nothing, I mean, nothing special-” Much to the med-tech’s surprise, her friend flushed, rushing to take a step back. In her haste, she lost her grip on one of the books and it dropped to the floor between them.
“Oh.” Liv picked it up, feeling herself blush in turn at the sight of the cover. Somehow, she hadn’t expected the TARDIS to stock what very much looked like 21st century lesbian erotica but clearly she did. She recalled seeing a fair few books like it in Tania’s flat, though those had been usually confined to her kindle, not in print and colour.
“It’s nothing-” Helen tried to whip the book out of her hand and in the process, clearly flustered, dropped the rest of them. Swiftly, Liv decided the best way was forward. If this was something her friend wanted to engage with - the thought of which endlessly excited her - she wanted to put her at ease rather than make her uncomfortable.
“I think I’ve read this one,” she commented, picking up ‘The Price of Salt’. It seemed her friend had gone for a variety of things. “It’s really good.” She passed it back and took a moment to examine the blurb of the more risqué looking paperback. “Don’t know this one… but that does sound interesting,” she smirked, hoping a jovial, teasing tone would put her at ease. “Helen, you dark horse.”
“Well I guess I-” Helen cleared her throat awkwardly, but seemed a little less self-conscious, seemingly realising that she wasn’t judging her. “After what happened with the vampires I thought that maybe I should… open myself up to that again… Romance, I mean… not just-” She grimaced at the paperback, quickly shoving it back onto the shelf.
Romance. And between women no less.
Liv’s heart jumped in her chest.
“Yeah, definitely,” she nodded encouragingly, trying not to betray herself by coming across too strong or excited. “I think- Well, if that is something you’d like… I think that would be really nice. For you, I mean.” She fumbled for words.
“I just… I haven’t got the first idea where to start, so...” Helen mumbled, dropping her eyes self-consciously and Liv gave her a warm smile.
“Trust you to pick up a book and try to learn about it….” she hummed, prompting her friend into a smile as well. Her unease seemed to continue to lessen.
“Well it’s all very… academic… for me,” she admitted with a little shrug. “Not much experience to fall back on... It was so long ago…”
“So there was someone?” The words crossed the med-tech’s lips before she could think better of it. An unfamiliar feeling of jealousy bubbled up inside her chest. Up until this point, her friend had never shared much of her romantic interests or past. After all this time, she had almost assumed there wasn’t anything to tell, or that romance just wasn’t something she was interested in, as much as that notion had pained her. Learning that she longed to rediscover that part of herself was thrilling but she hadn’t thought to ever consider how she would feel about learning about her past in that regard.
“I-” Helen didn’t seem to know what to say. She blushed once more but Liv didn’t let up. She needed to know what she was up against if she ever worked up the courage to pursue her in that way.
“Someone you saw with the vampires? Wasn’t just a good book?” she tried a joking approach but from the look of anxiety on her friend’s face, it didn’t seem to quite land.
“It wasn’t…” She shook her head, hugging her books a little tighter.
“Then who-?” Liv knew she should just drop it but she couldn’t.
Helen didn’t answer, she averted her eyes and the med-tech realised she had pushed too much. It wasn’t fair. She was meant to support her, not make her retreat into herself. She was being brave by making tentative steps out of her shell and the last thing she wanted to do was scare her off.
“If you don’t want to say, that’s fine too, of course!” she rushed to assure her quickly, feeling incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put you on the spot. Just curious, is all…”
There was a long silence, and with every passing moment, Liv’s heart sank further.
“I- Do you want me to leave you to it?” she asked softly, cursing herself and her inconsiderate behaviour but Helen shook her head, finally easing out of her stupor.
“No, no- please don’t-” She managed a wobbly smile and made for a desk, placing the books down. The med-tech followed her with her eyes, unsure what she should say or do but grateful not to have been sent away. She waited, patiently, until her friend spoke up at last.
“It was just… it sort of just… happened… Looking back, I’m not even sure I even know what I was doing at the time… That it was that we were doing…” she explained slowly without meeting her eyes. It was obvious from her body language and the colour of her cheeks that this was far from easy for her and Liv appreciated her trying all the more. “We were so young and there were always people about so even though we were close and spent a lot of time together so we couldn’t have… You know…” She looked up at last, checking for her understanding and the med-tech nodded, offering an encouraging smile. “It wasn’t until we snuck off together one time that… I realised that that was what she wanted. And that that was what I wanted to…” Her voice trailed off and Liv had to work hard to beat her jealousy into submission and not repeat her mistakes.
“Sounds… intriguing…” she commented and Helen scoffed, seemingly relaxing a little.
“Wasn't as intriguing as all that. A misinformed swift affair down by the boat house.” The dryness with which she delivered the line made the med-tech choke on a breath.
“HELEN!” she exclaimed, scandalised, and the linguist laughed.
“Oh, shush…” she chuckled, visibly relaxing. “Well, she knew more than me anyway.”
Liv couldn’t help another surge of jealousy as she couldn’t help but imagine some girl having her way with Helen behind a shack. That was hardly the first experience she would have wished for her. And she probably hadn’t even made it good for her, not by the sounds of it.
“Well, you certainly deserve better than that!” she stated indignantly.
“I-” Helen seemed taken aback by the strength of her response. “Well… it was a long time ago…” She waved it off and pushed the conversation along, obviously not wanting to linger. “If I ever… wanted to go down that path again… I’d like to know a little bit more about what I’m doing. Not just the particularities of that but…” She cast a quick look over to the shelf where she had deposited the racy paperback. “I’ve never even been on a date… not with someone I’d want to date anyway.” At that, she dropped her eyes self-consciously again and Liv’s heart went out to her. It was a heart-breaking admission. She deserved so much better and so much more than that. Anyone who had the pleasure of dating Helen Sinclair would be incredibly lucky indeed, but it seemed her friend couldn’t quite see that yet. “And when I… ask her out… I’d want to know what I’m doing,” she concluded and the med-tech’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Ask who out?” she asked, confused and worried in equal measures. Was she speaking in hypotheticals or did she have someone in mind? Jealousy reared its head once more.
“Oh just... whoever it is that…” Helen’s response was evasive. “Anyway… I think I’ll just go and read-” She turned to gather her books together and Liv acted without thinking.
“I could help!” she blurted out.
“What?”
“I mean, I’ve- I’ve dated women. And that is what you want to know about, right?” Rationally, the med-tech knew it was probably a terrible idea, but she wanted to help. As she watched shock draw to Helen’s face, she realised she had jumped to conclusions. “I’m not getting the wrong end of the stick here, am I?” She needed to double-check and once again, the linguist flushed. Slowly she shook her head.
“No, you’re- I mean, yeah… yeah that’s right, I- I think I’d prefer to go out with a woman…” she mumbled, wringing her hands together anxiously. It struck Liv that this, perhaps, was the first time she had ever braved saying as much. It was a first and important step and she longed to make it easier for her, if she could.
“Right then,” she encouraged her with a wide smile. “Well, better than reading you could always talk to me about it.” She gestured to a small sofa by the fireplace.
“Oh Liv, I couldn’t-” Helen shook her head once more and Liv took a step closer.
“Why not?” She reached out for her hand. As much as she wished she could be the one to introduce her to these things herself, she was her friend, first and foremost. That meant more to her than any vain hope of romance.
“Well I-” Helen snatched her hand back, clasping it to her chest. Her insecurity was endearing and heart-breaking at the same time.
“I really don’t mind,” Liv offered more gently and gestured towards the pile of books that was bound to build up all the wrong expectations for her. Things were never quite like they were depicted in literature. “Promise, it’ll be more hands on advice than those books can give you.” Hands on advice… the very thought made her insides clench. Oh to have the privilege of instructing Helen on those particularities… She knew it couldn’t happen, she wasn’t strong enough for that. Someone else would have long since volunteered themselves as a guinea pig with the way this conversation was turning, suggesting a friends-with-benefits arrangement, but Liv knew she would be undone if she so much as kissed her. She wouldn’t be able to hide her feelings for her any longer, they would pour out of her and drown their friendship and she couldn’t let that happen. She could, however, offer her insight and advice to help her feel more comfortable in her skin, if that’s what it took. She knew there wasn’t a large margin for error, that in some way she might be setting herself up for heartbreak if she gave her friend the skill to seek romance with someone else, but that was a chance she would just have to take.
There was another long silence but eventually, Helen managed a little nod and went to sit on the sofa by the fireplace. Carefully, Liv followed, making sure to keep a respectable distance as she sat down beside her. She didn’t need the temptation, not when the subject matter was as dicey as it was.
“Well… if… if you wanted to take someone on a date…” the linguist asked slowly. “What would that be like?” She cast her eyes across to her and there was genuine curiosity in her expression.
“Depends on who I’m taking out… I’d try and match it to the interests of the person I was wooing…” the med-tech answered, unable to stop herself imagining what it would be like with her. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t played it out many times in her head already. “Sure, dinner is nice but… I prefer doing something that’s a bit less sedentary? Like… if I were to take you out… maybe we’d go to a museum… an art gallery… see some sights and have afternoon tea in a small cafe…” It was, perhaps, dangerous to tailor her answer to her rather than keeping things hypothetical, but there was a small part of her that longed to examine her reaction. To figure out if there was a point in hoping…
“That sounds rather blissful…” Helen answered, an endearing shy smile drawing to her lips.
“I know you, so I’d want it to be special for you.”
“And how about a first kiss?” the linguist’s next question caught her off guard. Liv’s eyes shot up to her and she was both thrilled and terrified to find her friend watching her closely with a curious expression.
“As we said goodnight?” the med-tech volunteered, trying her best to keep her voice steady and remind herself that this was just a conversation, not something that was about to happen. “I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous…”
“You’re very chivalrous,” Helen broke into a little smile and Liv did too, relaxing a little.
“It’s been said…”
“And what if I didn’t want the date to end there?” There was a slight change in the linguist’s tone. It wasn’t flirty, not quite, but it wasn’t far off either and it was enough to make Liv’s stomach drop.
“Then that would be-” She couldn’t help but swallow hard. There was something in Helen’s eyes that she couldn’t figure out and it was terrifying. She thought she knew everything there was to know about her best friend but suddenly- This was uncharted territory and she found herself on the backfoot, suddenly scared she was about to make a big mistake. “I- I certainly wouldn’t say no…” In fact, there was nothing she would rather be doing. The temptation was there, to kiss her senseless and push her down on the sofa…
“And is it… is it a stereotype that a lot of women who fall in love are friends first and go through a long phase of questioning whether what they have is friendship or could be something more?” Helen didn’t look at her when she posed the question, if she had she would have seen the colour drain from Liv’s face. Surely, there had to be more to that question, after their many years of friendship, the realisation that they shared an interest in the fairer sex-
“Well I… I suppose it’s a stereotype for a reason…” the med-tech stuttered and Helen nodded.
“And… what would be your advice for getting out of that situation?”
Surely, they were not speaking in hypotheticals anymore. Liv’s heart jumped into her chest.
“I- I suppose someone would just have to take the plunge…” But which one of them was it to be? Was she brave enough to gamble their friendship on a hunch? As obvious as things seemed to become, she could be completely wrong and then-
“And if they’re scared that it would mean the end of their friendship?” Helen’s voice wobbled too, voicing her very fear, and Liv could only answer it the way she would react if that were the case.
“A good friendship would carry on, even if the other didn’t feel like that.. if the friendship is important to them both…” She tried her best to gather her courage as she looked up to her. “But I think… more often than not… if one of you feels like that… chances are you both do…”
Her eyes fell to her friend’s lips and she had said enough. They both had. Insinuation upon insinuation, hints dropped left, right and centre, and sweet confirmation at last when Helen leaned forward and met her in a soft kiss. It was chaste and brief and butterflies erupted in the med-tech’s stomach.
“Will you take me to an art gallery, Liv?” she whispered, pulling back and Liv had all but forgotten how to breathe.
“God, Helen-” she blinked at her, overcoming a moment of shock. “I would love to… Are you sure?” She couldn’t quite believe it, even as her lips tingled from her wonderfully soft touch.
“Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.” Helen burst into a grin, nodding enthusiastically and excitement swept through Liv. She promptly swept her up in her arms, claiming her lips in another kiss. It was more insistent, more passionate, an expression of the years of yearning and excitement for what lay ahead. She left Helen flustered and blushing as they parted. “It’s always been you. I just never knew how to say-” she confessed.
“Yes, please, let me take you out,” Liv burst out in excitement. “Let me give you some better first hand advice.”
“Yes…” Helen beamed, her lips pulling into a cheeky smile. “I’m looking forward to seeing where those hands will go.”
Liv’s face fell and the linguist grinned. Flirting she was certainly getting a handle on and the med-tech had no doubt everything else would follow. It would be a delight to show her the way.