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Makoto let himself collapse to the ground. There were steps he could have sat down on, but, sitting in the dirt seemed more appropriate now, and he desperately wanted to feel the solidity of earth beneath him. He felt so heavy.
That was…to say it didn’t go well was a colossal understatement. He had taken a risk, had made himself stand up to Haru and really push him, and had said the hard things that he’d been holding back for weeks…
And it backfired.
Haru didn’t hear his entreaties, and turned his back on him. In a panic, Makoto had grabbed him by the wrist, holding him there, trying to make him listen. Then, when Haru pushed back, using old insecurities against him, Makoto forgot his purpose for a moment. And at the worst possible time, he told Haru about his own plans to go to away to college in Tokyo. He made Haru run from him; he made him feel abandoned. And the worst part of all was, for all that pain, Makoto didn’t think he’d gotten through to Haru at all.
Oblivious to the continuing fireworks, Makoto hugged his knees closer to his chest and hung his head over them. He had hurt Haru. Shame crashed over him in waves and he felt heat behind his eyes. The fight replayed in his head, seemingly on loop. He had been forceful with Haru, taken his wrist in frustration. Shouted at him. Told him about his plans to go to college in Tokyo. Said it just to prove a point; as if he thought he was better than Haru or something. He whimpered softly, pressing his palms over his eyes; his head was pounding.
And now he might not get a chance to explain it properly anymore. Might not be able tell Haru that he didn’t want to leave him behind at all; that he’d very nearly chosen the local university, only they didn’t have a sports education program. And how, even knowing that, staying local was still his backup plan. He worried he might not get to tell Haru-chan how much he would miss him, how he was already planning ways to visit frequently, and how unnatural it felt to be making college plans without him.
Haru was hurting, probably in need of reassurance that his whole life wasn’t changing, and that whatever changes were coming, Haru was strong enough to adapt. Being his best friend and the closest thing Haru had to family here, Makoto knew he should be the one to provide that reassurance. But he couldn’t now, because he was the asshole who hurt him.
Grabbed his arm. Yelled at him. Told him he was leaving.
“How could you?!” a voice in head demanded.
“You’re his best friend!”
“He looked out for you for so long!”
“You vowed to protect him!”
“You swore you’d give him whatever he needed of you!”
“And YOU HURT HIM!”
Grabbed him. Held him back. Raised your voice. Made him run.
“What if you ruined the most important relationship of your life?!” the harsh voice whispered urgently, and fear took hold. Tears were squeezing out now but they wouldn’t flow freely, and Makoto knew he was starting to panic. Even though this spot on the bluff was presently deserted, he didn’t want to risk making a scene. He sucked in a sharp breath, but rather than allowing it to catch in his throat in sobs, he marshalled his strength and forced himself to blow it out, long and slow, trying to calm his thoughts and bring his heart rate down.
Luckily, his body took over, instinctively starting a breathing exercise from swimming. In for three, our for three. Pause, repeat. Slowing his pace with each breath as if he was trying to cool down. He made himself imagine the feel of the water supporting him and the sun on his face. And as his racing thoughts slowed, he was able to offer himself some measure of reassurance.
It was very unlikely that Haru was injured, and he didn’t recall Haru ever looking like he was in physical pain. He winced, realizing what a low bar that was for consolation, but, it was nonetheless true.
Further, while it hadn’t been kind to tell Haru about his college plans like this, he hadn’t been cruel, either. He hadn’t tried to hurt Haru, and while it would have been better to deflect Haru’s accusations by reminding him that this conversation wasn’t about Makoto, it had also made sense to answer him when he demanded “What about you?!”
And ultimately, he knew he was right that Haru wasn’t fine, and that intervention was necessary. This confrontation had been coming for weeks; too much had been going unsaid. So, it hadn’t been wrong of him to try to have this conversation, even though he had probably gone about it all wrong.
Makoto wasn’t good at confrontation; he knew that. He avoided it as much as possible and had no natural talent for it. But he had also known that he had had to try, for Haru’s sake. Everyone else had already tried talking to Haru in their own ways, but nothing had gotten through. And so Makoto had tried, choosing a time and place where he hoped Haru might be relaxed enough to hear his words.
But maybe he should have given it more time between Rei and Nagisa speaking to Haru about his future and him trying to do the same. He must have made Haru feel piled on, instead of supported. The shock and betrayal in Haru’s voice when he said “Even you’re talking like this?!” was proof enough of that.
And maybe he should have chosen a different setting. Makoto usually felt at peace on this bluff overlooking the sea. He and Haru had happily passed many evenings here, and it was where Haru had shared his realization that swimming with their relay team made him happy in the same way swimming with Rin once had.
But, maybe it wasn’t a place of comfort for Haru? Maybe Makoto should have chosen a weekend morning, when Haru was safely soaking in his bath. But, Makoto hadn’t wanted to ambush him out of the blue with this in his own home. Besides, with nationals so close, there just hadn’t been any lazy weekend mornings in a while.
Makoto sighed. Nationals. Rei and Nagisa had chosen to speak to Haru tonight because nationals were so close, and with Haru so lost, the whole team was suffering, both in and out of the pool. Makoto knew that he had a duty to them as their captain to try to help Haru get this sorted. And he also had a duty to Haru as a friend to help him deal with his fears and overcome them.
But, deep in his heart, all he wanted to do was comfort Haru. Even now, when he knew his presence would be unwelcome and his words wouldn’t be heard, all he wanted to do was run after Haru and say “I’m so sorry,” and “Please forgive me,” and “What can I do?” and “I promise it will be okay,” and “Whether you find a dream or not, I’ll always support you.”
Makoto hugged his knees tighter and sighed again. This was part of why he was leaving competitive swimming behind. He loved being Haru’s teammate, but, he knew first and foremost that he loved Haru, and that he was meant to support him. Unconditionally. Without any other obligations that would divide his loyalties like this.
Or well…that was the goal he was working toward, anyway. He reminded himself of things Miss Amakata had told him, about how he could not neglect his own future in his concern for Haru. That a person who cannot take care of themself cannot care for others. That he was young still, and needed to develop more as a person, too. That he ought to seek out employment that would allow him to provide for any family he might hope to have.
And so he had settled on this plan: to go to Tokyo for college, prepared to leave Haru behind for a time, so that he could become a better person himself. But still, he desperately needed for Haru to be okay somehow.
A mirthless chuckle escaped him despite himself, threatening to turn into sobs. “Well,” he thought, “Haru-chan definitely isn’t okay now.”
“NO,” another part of his brain firmly chimed in. Now was not the time to spiral into shame and panic again; that could wait. Yes, he had screwed up, but, he had done the best he could. Even though he wanted Haru to be okay in order to ease his own guilt about leaving, and even though he also felt he had a duty to their swim team, he knew his primary motivation tonight had been Haru-chan’s well-being.
And he could never have predicted raising his voice like that. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had lost his temper before tonight. Nor could he ever have imagined grabbing Haru, holding him in place when he wanted to run. It had seemed almost natural to reach for Haru at the time- like an extension of what he had been trying to do with his words- to get Haru to confront the thing he was avoiding. But the instant his fingers closed around Haru’s wrist he was struck with a sense of unease. And by the time Haru pushed back, Makoto realized what he had done, and it felt SO wrong.
From the time the twins were born, and especially when he begun to shoot up in height, his parents had drilled in to him that his size and strength were a gift that would let him better care for those around him, especially those who were smaller than him. He even remembered the day when he realized he had surpassed Haru in height, and how he had proudly told him “Now it’s my turn to look out for you!” A rueful smile tugged at one corner of his mouth at the memory, but it would no more come out than the good cry he was still holding in check.
However, the memory of vowing to protect Haru reminded him that, despite his deep shame, he needed to put Haru’s feelings ahead of his own. Haru’s well-being was still his primary motivation- tonight and always.
So how could he fix this? Haru definitely wouldn’t listen to him now. Could Haru forgive him? Would Haru even let him apologize? And if and when he did, how could he convey how truly sorry he was? As much as he might like to fall to his knees, press his head to the floor and beg for forgiveness, he knows Haru would find such a display “a bother.”
Now that image actually makes him smile and shake his head. No, the best way to apologize to Haru is to make things the same for him again. Be kind. Be gentle. Be trustworthy. Be Makoto. Be Haru’s Makoto.
There was a bit of an old poem that Miss A had taught the previous year that had really stuck with him. It had surprised him to have it taught in high school, because he remembered his mom reading it to him and Haru-chan when they were little kids. But when it showed up in his life again last year, he had committed several lines to memory as a sort of personal creed. These lines had gotten him through some of the trials Rin had put them all through last swim season, not to mention given him comfort and strength when his feelings for Haru threatened to become overwhelming.
He knew there was nothing he could do tonight to make things up to Haru. But, he could reaffirm who he was; recommit to who he wanted to be. He turned his face to the sky and quietly recited
“Strong of body
Free of desire
Never angry
Always smiling quietly…
…Neither praised
Nor a bother
Such is the person
I wish to be.”
He could almost hear Haru-chan’s words to him from when they were kids: “Makoto is Makoto.” He let out a long breath. He felt…a little better. He got up, going to the railing again. The fireworks had stopped at some point, and the Obon festival crowds were thinning out as folks went home for the night.
Makoto wasn’t ready to go home, though; not yet. Not when he lived steps from Haru, and their bedroom windows faced each other. He felt a little silly thinking this, but, he felt like he needed to give Haru more space than that.
Besides, he felt somewhat unsettled still. He needed a bit more time to reflect, and maybe process all the emotions of the night, so he took out his phone and texted his mom to say he would be at the festival late.
Below the message to his mom was the group text with Rei and Nagisa where they had made arrangements to meet up tonight. He kind of wished he hadn’t said “goodnight” to his other teammates before he talked with Haru. He knew they needed to catch a train home, but he wished they could still be here now to reassure him and distract him. He could deal with his guilt, but, his fear remained very real. What now for Haru? And what now for their friendship? Still, alone was better for thinking, so, he asked himself what was he afraid of? And what could he do about it?
The first one was easy: he was afraid of losing Haru. He crossed one foot behind the other and frowned. There wasn’t really anything he could do about that, either. Their future was uncertain, and it lay almost entirely in Haru’s hands. Haru would probably forgive him for his blunders in this confrontation. His taciturn friend was rarely angry himself, and greatly valued their stability.
But, would Haru forgive him for Tokyo? After all, Makoto knew he would hurt Haru by choosing to go to college in Tokyo, and he had only made it worse by not telling him about this plan until tonight, at the height of their first real fight. Wait…
Makoto paused. Was it really their first fight? That seemed impossible; they’d known each other their whole lives. But, Makoto couldn’t really remember ever fighting with Haru before. There were the usual squabbles about where and when it was appropriate to swim, but, he couldn’t recall a time where he had gotten angry with Haru before. And certainly no time when Haru had deliberately been hurtful to him.
Makoto hummed to himself. He didn’t know whether it boded well that they had never fought before, or whether he should worry because their ability to reconcile was untested.
Just then, though, his phone chimed and he looked down to see a thumbs up and a “thank you for letting me know; please be safe!” from his mom.
He smiled at that. She really was the best mom; he was always humbled and emboldened by the trust she placed in him, though he wasn’t sure he deserved it just now.
He put his phone away. Looking down at the beach below, he noticed how deserted the festival area was becoming, and in the privacy the late hour afforded him, he decided it would be okay to take some time to just let himself feel.
“Haru, I’m SO sorry,” he whispered into the quiet summer night. He had meant make things better. “I just…” but the next words wouldn’t come. He knew Haru was struggling, and he knew how Haru felt because he himself was struggling, too. Makoto also didn’t want things to change. But time wouldn’t let them be. They had to grow up. He and Haru…
At that, he choked, and the tears finally came. Makoto had wanted so badly for Haru to keep swimming; for him to be the first to decide to leave Iwatobi in pursuit of a dream so that Makoto could follow him. Or, if Haru really couldn’t reconcile himself to the demands of competitive swimming, and didn’t want to go to university, Makoto would have wished for him to make plans to do something else. Anything else. Work maybe, or community college. And Makoto would have stayed here with him.
If life had to change so much, Haru was the one thing Makoto wanted to stay the same. He wanted Haru to stay Haru. He wanted Haru to keep swimming free, and Makoto wanted to stay beside him. For life. He loved Haru with all his heart. He had finally fully admitted that to himself last year, and, after the both euphoria and subsequent panic had worn off, he had sworn to himself he would always be there in whatever way Haru needed him.
When Haru had become stuck, though, Makoto had eventually come to believe that Haru might need Makoto to be the strong one, and lead by example, even if it meant separating for a time. He knew it would hurt, but he had hoped it would inspire Haru. But, well…
Honestly, he hadn’t meant to bring it up tonight. But, Haru had pushed his buttons and he had lost sight of what he was trying to accomplish. He couldn’t stand to have Haru think of him as a hypocrite, or as a meddler. He knew he had a tendency towards the latter, but, he had grown so much since it was first pointed out to him. And in this case, everyone had been concerned about Haru, not just Makoto. He was sure that Haru needed someone to intervene and push him out of his comfort zone a little.
It just wasn’t something Makoto could do for him, he realized, with a fresh sob. As much as he wanted to be everything Haru needed, this was beyond his skill set. And maybe that was okay. If he wanted to be the one to comfort and heal Haru, maybe he didn’t also need to be the one to push him. Maybe it was okay if that was Rin.
He took his phone out again and scrolled down in his messages list to his last message from Rin. Makoto re-read it now. It was only two sentences: “I’ve maybe got an idea. I’ll text you again this weekend.”
He frowned at the message through his tear-blurred vision. He had texted Rin about Haru’s situation the previous day, hoping he might have some fresh insight into why Haru was stuck or what they could do about it. He had given lots of details and asked for help, or advice. And he had expected a little more in return than two vague sentences. Still, his disappointment in Rin did something to dispel the disappointment he was feeling in himself. Maybe Rin didn’t know any better what to do.
He wondered if he should tell Rin what happened tonight, but quickly decided against it. He had already told Rin plenty, including his own college plans. He couldn’t see how whatever Rin might be planning would be affected by this fight. Haru was still in the same place, practically speaking. Just worse off emotionally, Makoto supposed. A fresh wave of guilt came crashing across him, but, he felt relieved when it didn’t sweep him away.
He just had to hope Rin’s “maybe got an idea” turned out to be something. It wasn’t an absurd thing to hope for; Rin had a way of bringing change into Haru’s life. Makoto tried not to think about the times that those changes had been for the worse and had hurt Haru. He reminded himself instead that, despite all his caring, Makoto had hurt Haru, too. And he knew Rin had grown a lot since last year. ’Trust him,’ he encouraged himself. ‘Trust them.’
And in his mind, he heard Miss A.’s words: ”Trust the process.”
So he tried. He tried to trust in his bond with Haru; that they would be okay again. He tried to trust in Haru- who had been the strong one so many times- and believe that he would find a way out of being stuck. He tried to trust that Rin would do the best he could by Haru, just like Makoto had tried to do, and he genuinely, fervently wished Rin better luck. And he tried to trust that they would all get through graduation and whatever came next, and that they would find ways to stay true to themselves and hold on to what was most important.
He checked the time again; it was after midnight. Looking at the torri, Makoto decided to stay just a bit longer, and indulge in something he had done with increasing frequency since realizing he was actually in love with Haru.
”Tears cleanse us from the inside out; the kami know there is no prayer more sincere than one spoken by lips washed with tears.” His mother had said these words to him many times in the past, hoping a child’s naive faith might help quell the hurts and fears of his youth. As he grew and learned to shed tears of joy, too, he repurposed the childhood ritual to offer prayers of gratitude.
As a young man, now, he was finding love brought large measures of both joy and fear, so he had taken up praying again whenever he felt overwhelmed by it. He scrubbed the last of his tears across his lips, and hoped his mom was right, because if ever in his life he could summon divine intervention, it should be now. For Haru.
So he prayed to the kami. He prayed Rin would find some way to inspire Haru. He prayed Haru would find his dream and would find happiness. He prayed that he himself was doing the right thing, and that he would be okay in Tokyo. He prayed that this fight wouldn’t be the beginning of the end for him and Haru; he prayed their bond would carry them into the next season of life. And, though he felt a little selfish for it, a tiny familiar voice from the bottom of his heart piped up, imploring “and please, please, let Haru come to love me as I love him; please let him choose me back.”
After a while, his prayers felt complete, and he himself felt something like…ready. He decided to head home, and pulled out his phone again to search for a song to listen to on the walk back. He looked for an old song he had heard his mother play sometimes. It was in English, but, when he first heard it, that had made it seem exotic and magical. His mom had told him it was about going through hardship with a loved one. When he got a little older and understood a little more English, he looked up the lyrics himself. It was then he decided it was about trusting your connection with someone to last through hurts, and he had liked it ever since. It felt appropriate now- he hoped it might soothe him- and by the time the second chorus rolled around, he found himself quietly singing along as he made his way along the shore.
“I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.”
As the song ended, he saw the next suggested song was another by the same group, and he let it play. This one he didn’t know, and he couldn’t make out most of the first verse, but when it got to the chorus, the meaning was clear, and he felt stunned, like it had come up for a reason.
“I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder- children get older- I’m getting older, too.”
That…that was it. He had built his life around Haru, and he wanted to continue to do so. But, in order to do that, he knew Haru would have to choose him, too- would have to want to build their lives together. So, he recommitted to his plan, and his trust in the process. He would go to Tokyo, doing what was right to grow into someone who could be a good partner, but otherwise still continuing to prioritize Haru and their relationship- whatever it was to become.
He looped back to the first song.
“And if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again…”
He figured whatever came next would show whether he and Haru would be able to stay together, even as best friends. It wasn’t just about whether they could repair their friendship after this fight. The next few years would show whether Haru would still choose to seek him out when it was no longer convenient, how well they would do when they had to balance time spent on each other with adult responsibilities, and whether they could handle separation but still remain connected and close. Makoto hoped they could; believed they could; *had faith* they could. Still, even as much as he had hoped Haru would go on to be a world-class swimmer, and as much as he knew he himself needed to pursue a stable and rewarding career on his own, he’d be lying if he said that much time apart from each other didn’t scare him.
Just before he reached the steps to his and Haru’s houses, he turned to the ocean and the stars that had witnessed so many important moments in their lives, and once more prayed the last line of the song:
“Chain, keep us together.”