Chapter Text
“Tsukki, are you ok?”
He was not ok. He was very, very far from ok.
“I’m fine.” His chest felt like it was being squeezed and compressed by some weird force, and even though he could see it moving and hear his breathing, he couldn’t seem to get enough air. “I...I need to sit.”
Yamaguchi nodded, eyes wide and concerned in a way that Kei couldn’t quite understand. They were still in sight of the school, but their teammates had already left them behind or turned to go another way. It was just them now, sitting on the grassy slope next to the sidewalk. Two middle school boys stopping on their way home for whatever reason, sitting in the grass and probably getting their uniforms dirty. Most likely no one would look twice at them. Kei still felt like he was under a spotlight. He wanted to be home, home in his room with Akiteru at his side rubbing his shoulders because it was okay if it was Akiteru touching him. But he wasn’t, and he wasn’t sure if Akiteru touching him was okay anymore. He hadn’t really tried.
“Tsukki, what should I do?”
Yamaguchi was there, though. And Kei didn’t understand that at all. Yamaguchi shouldn’t still be there, should have left long ago, shouldn’t still be attached to him. But he had stayed, and now he was sitting by Kei’s side while Kei tried and failed not to have a panic attack. Kei wanted to answer him, but he didn’t know the answer, and he didn’t know if he could find the air to say it.
“Can I touch you?”
If Kei’s breath hadn’t already been stuttering, it would have stuttered. Could Yamaguchi touch him? He tried to think. Excessive touching over a long practice was what had gotten him into this state in the first place. He didn’t like people in his personal space. But...it was Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi might be an exception. He nodded.
Yamaguchi put a tentative hand on his shoulder, and when Kei didn’t flinch or throw him off, he squeezed gently. Kei took a breath that almost filled his lungs. This was good. Yamaguchi started rubbing circles on his back, and Kei breathed again. It wasn’t stopping the panic or the shaking, but it helped. He wasn’t floating or falling into empty, airless nothing. Yamaguchi was there, quiet and steadily present. Grounding him.
It took a while for Kei to calm down completely. Even Yamaguchi’s help couldn’t actually stop a panic attack. When he was finally able to stand up, he did so, and Yamaguchi did too.
“Thanks,” he said quietly, “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t apologize, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine that you were hurting, but it’s not your fault, you know?”
Kei shrugged. Technically he knew that it wasn’t his fault.That didn’t stop him from feeling bad about it. “I guess. It was just...people were very touchy today. The team was, I mean. Not sure why. But it felt like they were all really close today, and it’s...things have been a bit harder lately.” He glanced up at Yamaguchi’s face and knew he had understood that to mean ‘since Akiteru.’ “It isn’t usually that bad. But you helped.”
Yamaguchi smiled a little. “I’m glad. Is there anything else I can do to help if it happens again?”
He sounded so honest, so genuinely eager to assist like he always did, that Kei couldn’t help a tiny smile too. “Sometimes it gets too loud, and I use my headphones. They usually help. But I don’t know if there’s anything else.” They started walking again, and the part of Kei’s mind that wasn’t thinking about how amazing it was that Yamaguchi was still walking next to him wondered how they would explain the delay getting home. He didn’t want to tell his parents he’d had a panic attack. They hadn’t really talked about it, because his mother would fuss and his father would make it a big family meeting or something. He had been content to just go to Akiteru when things got bad and let him help.
But now, selfish as it was, he had Yamaguchi, and he was so grateful that he gave him his dessert at lunch the next day.
***
Kei didn’t notice the way his feelings changed over the years. It happened gradually. Not being gay in general, that he had figured out when he was twelve. The other feelings. More specific ones. The recognition of those feelings for what they were could probably be blamed on the Karasuno Volleyball Club. Most problems in his life could be blamed on them.
The fact that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and now had to think about it…yeah, definitely on them.
He never would have noticed if he hadn’t turned to say something to Yamaguchi and found himself facing thin air. He wouldn’t have realized if he hadn’t heard that stupid giggle-snort from the other end of the gym where Yamaguchi was talking to Tanaka and Nishinoya. He might have lived his entire life in blissful ignorance if it weren’t for them.
As it was, he simply put his jacket on and waited for Yachi with the rest of them. He didn’t pose for her, but Yamaguchi was the only one who seemed to notice.
So he was in love with Yamaguchi. That…didn’t change anything really. He had been for a while, now that he realized it. How could he not be? Yamaguchi was…Yamaguchi. As to whether or not Kei would do anything about it, well, that was a no-brainer. Yamaguchi didn’t deserve that. By all rights, he should have abandoned Kei years ago. Kei had certainly given him reason enough. But he was selfishly, awfully happy that it hadn’t worked. This changed nothing except Kei could now fantasize about what a life with Yamaguchi could be like. Not that it would ever happen.
He would never fall asleep with Yamaguchi’s arms around him, never give him good morning kisses on a lazy Sunday. They wouldn’t dance in the kitchen at three in the morning or go on dates or hold hands walking home. Because that would be unacceptably selfish. Yamaguchi deserved someone better, someone who wouldn’t tell him to shut up or go away, who wouldn’t be embarrassed to hold hands in public. He deserved someone he could brag about and who would brag about him too.
He didn’t respond much to Yamaguchi’s chatter on their walk home that day, but Yamaguchi didn’t seem to mind.
***
The Tokyo Training Camp Trip was much more of a hassle than it needed to be. Spending that much time playing volleyball and being around Yamaguchi (who insisted on being freakin’ adorable all the time) and the rest of the team was exhausting. He didn’t want to do extra practice. It was pointless. He had learned that years ago.
“TSUKKIIIIII!”
Yamaguchi was running after him, but he looked different somehow. Almost angry.
“Since we were kids, you’ve dealt with everything in such a smart, cool way that it always left me jealous.”
Kei stared. Yamaguchi shouldn’t be jealous of that, but he supposed it made sense anyway. “What’s your point?”
“THE WAY YOU’VE BEEN LATELY IS REALLY PATHETIC!”
Pathetic?
“HINATA JUST MIGHT BECOME A “SMALL GIANT” SOMEDAY. BUT EVEN IF THAT HAPPENS, YOU COULD STILL BEST HIM!”
As if.
“WHY NOT USE YOUR SKILLS TO PROVE THAT YOU’RE A MORE INCREDIBLE PLAYER THAN HE IS!!”
I’m not.
“EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE HEIGHT, BRAINS, AND INTUITION, WHY DO YOU END UP DRAWING A LINE WHERE “ANYTHING BEYOND THAT POINT IS IMPOSSIBLE”!?”
Kei glared down at Yamaguchi as he finished shouting. How could he possibly explain it in a way Yamaguchi would understand? Why did Yamaguchi care so much?
“…If, for example, I put in an incredible amount of work and became Karasuno’s foremost player, then what?” he said, “If, by some chance, we were able to make it to the Nationals, then what? There will always be something bigger and better. Even if you get a decent result, you’ll never be able to become “the best.” You’ll fall short somewhere.” It was the truth. There would always be someone better. Why try so hard for something unachievable? “Despite knowing that, just what sort of motivation is driving all of you to keep at it!?”
It was the question he had been burning to ask for days, maybe even months or years. Why do you care so much?
“Motivation?” Yamaguchi glared up at him. In a movement Kei never would have expected, he suddenly grabbed the front of Kei’s shirt and stepped into his personal space. Up close, Kei couldn’t help but stare at the burning look in his eyes, the passion he had never understood. “WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED THAN PRIDE!!!?”
Kei stood there, immobile, as Yamaguchi relaxed his grip and stepped back slightly, breathing heavily. Yamaguchi had yelled at him. Yamaguchi was angry…at him. Yamaguchi was lecturing him about pride.
“I never thought I’d see the day…” he muttered. “Just when did you become such a cool guy?”
Yamaguchi looked unnecessarily surprised. Was Kei really that much of an asshole or Yamaguchi that insecure?
“You’re really cool,” Kei repeated for emphasis. “Still, I can’t agree with that.”
Yamaguchi’s face fell. Pride was all well and good for some people, but pride alone wouldn’t make Kei work at volleyball. In his experience it was only damaged by this kind of thing.
“I’m going to go ask.” He left Yamaguchi looking curiously after him, but right now he had to deal with Kuroo and Bokuto.
Bokuto’s explanation made sense. Kei still didn’t know if that moment existed for him, but working on blocks with those three made him think it could.
***
The bus ride to the next school was short, but Kei didn’t like bus rides, so it was bad enough. It didn’t help that the rest of the team was feeling rowdier than usual. Yamaguchi even seemed livelier than he normally was. Traitor. At least for the first half of the ride, Kei had had his headphones. Now his iPod was dead, and he felt like he must be heading in the same direction.
“Tsukishima!” Hinata yelled from the seat right behind him. Kei glowered. Yamaguchi suppressed a giggle. “Give me your glasses!” Hinata said, holding out his hands.
“What? No. I don’t want them contaminated.”
“Come on, Tsukishima! I want to see what I’d look like with glasses!” Hinata whined. He made a grab for them, but Kei dodged and smacked his hands away. Unfortunately, his dodge brought him close to Tanaka, who had been sitting in front of him.
“Haha! Got ‘em!” Tanaka shoved the glasses onto his own face. “Geez, Tsukishima, your eyesight is terrible!”
“Ryuu, you look ridiculous!” Nishinoya said, laughing loudly.
“Oh yeah? You think you’d wear them better?”
Tanaka passed the glasses to Nishinoya, and there was a moment of silence before Tanaka burst into hysterical laughter.
“You look so stupid!”
“Ryuu!”
“I wanna try!” Hinata said, reaching over Kei.
Kei sighed. This was ridiculous.
Hinata put his glasses on and grinned. “How do I look?”
Kei fixed him with his best deadpan glare. “Blurry. Can I have them back now?”
“No! Kageyama has to try!”
In the end, everyone on the bus had to try on Kei’s glasses. There were a couple attempts to get Shimizu to pass hers around too, but she declined. No one really felt like asking Takeda. And of course, there were the endless questions.
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Four.”
Nishinoya scrambled towards the front of the bus. “How many now?”
“This is stupid.”
“How many?”
“Three.”
“Four again! Ha! Wow, you’re so blind!”
“Can you see that pole?”
“Yes.”
“Can you read that sign?”
“No.”
Finally, Narita passed the glasses to Yamaguchi. Kei didn’t know why he was surprised when Yamaguchi put them on.
“Well, Tsukki?”
Kei narrowed his eyes slightly. Yamaguchi blinked innocently up at him. It was adorable.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”
“Sorry, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi said, not sounding sorry at all. And finally, Kei put his glasses back on. He was not going to blush.