Chapter Text
Eddie Diaz had been through a lot of trauma in his life, but he’s never been hit by a truck. Shot by a sniper? Yes. Fallen down a collapsed well? Yes. Hit by a truck? No. Yet, he understood the feeling of being hit by a truck quite intimately because that was exactly how he felt when he realized he was in love with his best friend.
It was just like any other day, which is what made the realization that much more startling. They had had a particularly exhausting shift and decided to both crash at Eddie’s that night. Eddie was walking out of his room after showering and changing when he heard noises in the kitchen.
“Why do we have to have soup again?” Eddie heard Christopher moan from the kitchen. He couldn’t see his son, but Eddie was pretty sure there was an eye roll attached to that sentence.
“First of all, because I’m in charge,” Buck shot back with the same snark, causing Eddie to laugh to himself. “Second, because your dad and I are very tired, and leftover soup is about the easiest thing for a person to prepare. Third, it’s delicious and warm and perfect.”
Christopher groaned. “Soup is not perfect.”
“Soup is most definitely perfect,” Buck retorted, and Eddie could sense the smile on his face. “Either way, it’s what we’re having, and I don’t care what you have to say about it. You’re thirteen; make your own dinner if you don’t like mine.”
“But–”
“No buts,” Buck cut him off, and Eddie’s heart swelled as he got closer and closer to the kitchen. He couldn’t quite place his finger on it, but this conversation was making him feel something . “Set the table before your father gets in here.”
That was when it happened. That was when Eddie got to the kitchen door and saw Buck bossing his son around, dish towel slung over his shoulder, wooden spoon in his hand. That was when bad cop Buck turned his attention to Eddie and his scowl turned into a smile. That was when Eddie looked into Buck’s eyes and a chorus of I love you, I love you, I love you rang in Eddie’s ears. That was when Eddie got hit by the truck.
And things just continued. They just went on. Like normal. Eddie’s entire life was turned upside down, and literally nothing had changed. That was probably the part that freaked him out the most.
Eddie had just gotten hit by a truck in his own kitchen, and nothing had changed. He was in love with Buck, and nothing had changed.
…
Eddie was proud of himself for handling this news by himself for as long as he did. Realistically, it was only because they had just gotten off of their shift, and he knew that Hen would kill him if he showed up at her house at that time. He figured that the next morning would be okay though. He patted himself on the back for getting through one night of having this realization to himself before knocking on Hen’s door.
Hen opened the door and furrowed her eyebrows. She had barely said hello before Eddie was pushing through the door. He had gotten through the night; now he needed all the help he could get as soon as he could get it.
“Do you have a second to help me through a thing?” Eddie asked as Hen closed the door.
He knew how weird this seemed. He was new to this whole asking for help thing. He had never done this before: showed up at someone’s house and asked them for help like this. Not with something like this. Well, except for Buck. And wasn’t that the issue?
“I’m all yours,” Hen told him, and Eddie was pretty sure it was because his behavior was making Hen mildly concerned, which was a fair reaction on her part. Eddie knew that. “Eddie, I have to ask: are you alright?”
Eddie nodded as Hen led him to the dining room table so they could sit down. “I’m alright. It’s just…well, I’m having a crisis right now I think.”
“What kind of crisis?” Hen questioned, staring at Eddie from across the table.
He wanted to roll his eyes at her. She knew the answer. She always knew the answer. But, he was going to have to say it, wasn’t he?
“I’m in love with Buck,” Eddie told her, easily. So easily. It just came out, and there was nothing to it. No panic attack. No freaking out. Eddie was in love with Buck, and he could say that.
“Okay,” Hen replied, nodding albeit hesitantly. “You don’t say that like you’re in a crisis.”
Eddie shook his head. “That’s not the issue.”
“Then what is?” Hen questioned, cocking her head.
“I’m in love with Buck,” Eddie repeated, bringing her through his process, “and that’s fine. I get it. I’m in love with him. I should’ve noticed earlier, probably, but I didn’t. I didn’t notice because I didn’t know I was…that I’m…”
Hen nodded. “Ah.”
“It’s just a word,” Eddie groaned. “I should be able to say it. I can say that I’m in love with Buck. That’s easy. But this…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t ever have to say anything,” Hen reminded him gently. “You don’t even need to know which word word fits at the end of that sentence.”
“But I want to,” Eddie told her, practically pleading, and she understood. Of course she did. “I want to be okay with this. I want to be okay with every aspect of this, but I didn’t even know. I’m in my thirties, and I didn’t even know. How could I not know? How could I not know who I am? Why can’t I say it out loud? Why–”
“So there’s the crisis,” Hen whispered, reaching out to squeeze one of Eddie’s hands. “A sexuality crisis is scary at any age, Eddie. And it’s a totally normal thing to have at any age.”
Eddie shook his head. “Why am I so okay with the Buck part but not the other part?” Hen had to stop herself from laughing. “What?”
“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s just that this makes sense for you. Since you’ve joined the 118, it’s been BuckandEddie. There isn’t one without the other.”
“So?” Eddie questioned.
“So,” Hen continued, “it makes sense that the part of this that you understand is the part that has to do with Buck because Buck is such a constant in your life. He’s always been there, and I’m sure if you think about it, those feelings have always been there. But now that your brain is catching up to those feelings, it’s questioning your sexuality.”
Eddie nodded. “Yeah, that’s it. It was almost weird how normal it was when I realized I love him. It is normal. It’s always been there. Nothing changed.”
“Except for how you see yourself,” Hen offered.
“I don’t want to be different,” Eddie practically whispered, and Hen wished she could take all of this suffering off of him.
“I know,” she replied, and she did. She did know. “But, you’re not alone.”
“I know that I have you–”
“No, wait, seriously. You’re not alone,” Hen interjected, standing up from her seat and going to find something.
“Hen?” Eddie questioned, watching Hen frantically searching for something . “What is happening?”
A moment later, Hen returned, triumphant. She placed a piece of paper down in front of Eddie and sat back down. Eddie picked up the piece of paper and examined it.
“Don’t Worry, Baby Gay,” Eddie read aloud, confusion clear in his voice. “What?”
Hen motioned for him to keep reading what was clearly a flier. “One of Karen’s coworkers is an app designer in addition to being a rocket scientist.”
“Show off,” Eddie muttered, eyes still glancing down at the flier. “So, they made this app?”
“She and her wife both had a rough coming out, and they wanted to help other people who might be struggling,” Hen explained. “So, they designed this app and told everyone they knew to spread the word about it. It’s been a few months since she gave us that flier, so I almost completely forgot about it.”
Eddie hummed in response. “How does it work?”
“Well, it’s completely anonymous,” Hen began, which she knew Eddie would appreciate. “It’s for you to say what you need to say and read what other people have to say. It’s a place for you to feel seen without actually being seen.”
“Is that the tagline?” Eddie asked with a smirk.
Hen grinned. “No, but isn’t that a good one?”
Eddie continued to examine the flier. It was inviting, to say the least. It was covered in pictures of the sun and the beach. There were little rainbows in the corners. And there was even a little tagline at the bottom.
Everything will turn out alright.
Who was Eddie to argue with that? He smiled to himself before looking up at Hen.
“Thank you, Hen,” he said sincerely. “I think this will help.”
…
Eddie didn’t download the app immediately. Sure, he had rushed to Hen’s house as soon as Buck brought Christopher to school before returning to his loft that morning, but now that he had a plan, he wanted to take a breath before anything happened.
He did the laundry, watered the plants Buck insisted on keeping in his house, and made a list for the grocery store. Then, he took a nap because this whole sexuality crisis thing was pretty exhausting. He woke up, went to the store, and picked Christopher up from school. He helped Christopher with his homework and made dinner.
Again, nothing had changed. Nothing had to change. He was in love with Buck, and he was still living his completely normal life. Everything was normal.
When Eddie finally made it to his bed that night, he saw the all too familiar flier sitting on his nightstand. He took a breath and held it in his hands. He opened his phone and downloaded the app.
The app opened up to a home screen, that was almost identical to the flier. Don’t Worry, Baby Gay was in huge glowing letters on his screen. He pressed the continue button which brought him to a page asking for a username.
Hen had said that it was completely anonymous, but Eddie supposed it made sense that he would still have to have some kind of username to make communication easier. He thought about it for a moment.
In the corner of the screen there was a little sailboat on a little wave. Eddie thought maybe it would be a little too on the nose, but, then again, this whole app seemed to be a little bit too on the nose.
He typed out Sailor409 and gave himself a metaphorical pat on the back before pressing continue. Once he was in the app, the world was quite literally his oyster.
There was a feed reminiscent of a Twitter feed (which Eddie was used to from his days at Dispatch) with dozens of posts from struggling queer people and comment responses from helpful queer people. There was a DM section that Eddie was almost positive he would never use. He could post though. That he could do.
Sailor409: I’m in love with my best friend who is the same gender as me, and I’m totally okay with it. Being in love with my best friend makes the most sense in the world. It’s just the other part of it. I’m not upset because I’m in love with a man. I’m confused because I didn’t know I could be, I guess. I didn’t know this was something I wanted. I didn’t know that I was not heterosexual until about 24 hours ago, and it’s kind of a lot.
Eddie read his little paragraph to himself over and over again. He could do this. He needed to do this. He looked over at the flier one last time.
Everything will turn out alright.
Eddie took a breath and hit post.