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James started to sprint; he was going to see the love of his life, Regulus. He was perfect for him. James loved how his hair fell and how he looked through his eyelashes up at him. James just wanted to hold him forevermore and never let go. Unfortunately, he couldn’t quit the rest of his life for Regulus (although he had asked many times). Who else would make a history of magic class enjoyable?
James almost crashed into a suit of armour, and he slowed down. He couldn’t have his gorgeous face bruised for his Regulus first date in 2 months. He was so excited, and he couldn’t afford to have anything ruin it. He stopped running as he got close to the door of the Slytherin dungeons, where he was picking up his love. His mood dropped a bit as he heard yelling coming from the door. James is a pleased person overall, and it always made him hurt to hear someone else being miserable, especially when the person yelling was his Regulus.
“What do you mean you can’t make it stop!”
“I’m sorry, but it’s too late this month.”
James heard Regulus gown through the wooden door that he now had his ear pressed up against. His shoes squeaked against the polished stone floors of the dungeon, and there was a deadly silence. James jumped back and tried to make it look like he had just gotten there as Regulus opened the door. The first thing James noticed was his eyes. Typically, they were beautiful and round with grey irises that looked like a storm was brewing, but today, they were red and puffy, as if he had been crying recently. He was also holding a fake smile, which was nothing like his true, carefree expression when he saw James. Needless to say, James was worried for him.
“Are you ok?”
“Of course I am. We’re going on a date for the first time in two months” Regulus truly smiled at the end of his sentence, so James decided to accept his excuse for now. He lifted his arm around Regulus to put it on his lower shoulder, but Regulus grabbed his arm before he could wince slightly where James had contacted his body.
“Sorry, I, umm, hurt my arm during quidditch practice. Could you just not put your arm there today?”
James was slightly taken aback there hasn’t been any practice for a week. Was Regulus doing quidditch practice on his own? Why hasn’t he invited James? He must have been lonely frying on his own. Or what if he hadn’t trained on his own and it was still hurting from a week ago? If it were still hurting him, it could be severe.
“Have you talked to Madam Pomfrey about it?”
“Yeah”, Regulus sighed. “Who did you think I was just talking to?” Despite his words, he didn’t sound annoyed; he was just tired.
James frowned slightly. Reg was always a little tired, he had to be with his horrible sleeping habits, but it wasn’t usually this bad. Regulus noticed James’s expression change and seemed to want to take back his words, shrinking slightly. They had previously planned to go to Hogsmeade, have dinner, shop a bit, and then go to the room of requirement - not necessarily to sleep together just to spend the night.
“Are you ok?” James asked, stopping walking and putting Regulus’ shoulder on to make sure he stopped too. “We don’t have to go to Hogsmeade. If you don’t want, we can just chill somewhere”, James continued, ever being aware of others often feeling at the expense of himself.
Regulus’s eyes dropped from James’s to the ground. He seemed to consider it for a bit before shaking his head slowly, still tracing the cracks of the ground with his eyes. Focusing on that, he was slightly shocked when James spoke again.
“I was thinking I am a bit tired tonight, so we might skip the shopping if you want” Regulus smiled slightly at this, and James took that as a yes, smiling back and taking Regulus’s hand in his before continuing to walk. They left the castle through the one-eyed witch passage, emerging in honey dukes. The owner of the store just waved to them as they passed, used to an assortment of people walking through his shop, even if he didn’t know how they got there in the first place. The shopkeeper of Madam Puddifoot’s also smiled and waved to the happy couple –they were well known enough that no one questioned their various late-night escapades.
The air was crisp as the sun set; light fluttered through the splattering of leaves on the ground, turning everything golden and pink. James and everyone else took their time to take in their surroundings for a moment. James’ eyes flicked to Regulus, admiring him. He was wearing essentially the same thing as James, his Hogwarts robes without the large cloak, although Regulus was wearing significantly less red and greener—something James was determined to change before the night was done. He wanted to put his arm around Regulus, but he didn’t want to hurt him, or whatever happened before, so he refrained, sticking to wrapping his arm around his own. They were both smiling – it was beautiful.
They finally entered the three broomsticks at precisely eight o’clock and sat at their reserved table littered with appetizers and large pints of butterbeer.
Regulus sank into his chair without a word. His frown definitely did not fit the romantic candles and fragrant flowers scattered everywhere, all set up ahead of time for their date. James had done it personally, ensuring there were only flowers in Regulus’ favourite colours and that the candles would not produce smoke. It was almost as gorgeous as Regulus was, but it was clear Regulus couldn’t currently appreciate its beauty.
“Darling, I know something is wrong. Please tell me.” James was worried about him. It had to be something awful for Regulus to hide it from him like this.
“Sorry, I’m ok don’t worry about me.”
James was almost appalled at this. Regulus almost never apologized for his actions, but especially not for things he didn’t do, and he knew Regulus wasn’t extremely enthusiastic about the multitude of pet names he used for him, but he never before had he seriously complained about them. Did he want to break up with him? What had James done to lose Regulus’ interest? James ran through everything he had ever done before and after they had started dating. What was it? Had he eaten with his mouth open during breakfast? He knows that was one of Regulus’s pet peeves. Had Regulus finally realized he could do so much better than James?
James was determined to find out, but he didn’t want to drill Regulus, so he continued to chew his food, careful not to chew with his mouth open. Regulus was eating, which was a good sign, but he was being a bit picky, only eating his favourite. Luckily, James had picked this menu himself, and most of the food was his Regulus favourite, so that wasn’t his primary concern; his main concern was the way he was squirming in his seat like he did when he was uncomfortable. James hadn’t seen that since they first started dating, and Regulus was so nervous. James prayed that he hadn’t done anything to make him uncomfortable, and a cold shiver ran down his spine ran down his spine at the realization that if it wasn’t him, it might have been someone else. Honestly, that scared him more than anything because he couldn’t fix that. He could only comfort Reg, but he couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t enough. Regulus made eye contact with him, finally looking up from his plate, and James realized he had been staring too long.
“What?” Regulus asked, sounding self-conscious
“Just staring at my gorgeous boyfriend”, James said, trying to play it off as an admiring look, which it partly was, as every time he looked at Regulus, it was with awe, even before they were dating.
Dinner was slightly uncomfortable overall, although they did have several nice moments when they had a conversation or when James made some light-hearted joke about the world around him. They left Hogsmeade hand in hand and in silence, but this time, it was comfortable. James felt almost as good as he had when he was running down the corridors, even with Regulus’s flinching randomly, but he had said it was fine, and many people had told him to worry less, so he tried his best to disregard it. They continued in the room of requirement, their usual spot, and Reg slid immediately into the king-sized bed. It was made to perfection as usual, with its sapphire sheets and simple room with ensuite attached. Bookshelves lined the walls with all their favourites and whatever the room thought they liked (it was ordinarily right). The lights were already dimmed enough to sleep or kiss or just talk. James climbed into bed next to Regulus, lying on his back. Regulus saw him lying on his side, legs ahead of him and arms under his head supporting him. James was lost. He had no idea what was going on and no clue how to help Regulus.
Music played softly from somewhere in the room, but James didn’t recognize it. It was something classical; it sounded like there was a whole orchestra playing, but a slow, strong violin was the hero playing smoothly. It was very charming, and James thought it fit Regulus very well. With the warm bed and soft music, James must have drifted off slightly, leaving Regulus to whatever was troubling him.
He woke again when the bed moved slightly, dipping under Regulus on the very edge of the mattress. It was obvious that Regulus had been moving slowly and had been moving somewhat further away from him to try and escape the bed. Regulus finally stepped off the bed and stood beside it, looking back at James and slightly starting to see his eyes staring back into his. Regulus’s hair was slightly sweaty, and the bags under his eyes were more prominent than usual. (he was just as beautiful as usual if James said so himself.) Regulus was momentarily frozen, looking into his wide-open eyes, but quickly unfroze and walked briskly away from the bed, muttering indistinctly to himself.
James slowly moved out of the bed and stood shivering at the cool air. James noticed that Regulus had kicked off the sheets despite the cool air. His brow furled; Regulus was usually always cold all the time; what was different tonight?
He followed Regulus silently, his sock-clad feet not making a sound against the hardwood flooring. Regulus didn’t seem to notice as he walked into the ensuite bathroom, shutting the door in James’s face. James doesn’t know why he followed him, maybe so he could offer comfort, but Regulus doesn’t seem to want that. What can he do?
James sat next to the door and thought for a while. The cold floor grounded his thoughts and allowed him to conclude: He has to find out what’s wrong.
A couple of seconds later, the door opens, and Regulus comes out staring at the floor, lost in his world; he doesn’t notice James there until he almost walks directly into him. He looks up directly into James’ eyes, and James can see his fear in them.
This is what scares James the most; Regulus is a master at hiding his emotions to let this much show even around James, who he trusts (or at least James hopes he does). He must be stressed. It’s now or never. James puts his hand on the door frame, preventing Regulus from leaving the frame where he was standing, but Regulus ducks and gets out anyway.
“Please,” James says desperately as Regulus walks back to the bed, wrapping himself in the blanket, supposedly now feeling the cold. Regulus flinches at his distressed tone, looking back at him for a couple of seconds before facing away from him again.
Well, can’t go back now, James thinks as he walks up to the bed and curls up behind Regulus, careful not to touch him to not cause further discomfort; he hesitates for a moment before putting his hand lightly on Regulus’s back.
“Please,” he repeated, “tell me what’s wrong and don’t start with that nothing bullshit; I know it’s something” Regulus turned his head again, looking at James silently. “You didn’t eat much, you keep filching, you’re clearly uncomfortable, you’re strangely quiet. What is wrong?” James finished his rambling, slightly irritated but satisfied he had said what was needed for Regulus to open up a bit and tell him.
Regulus continued to stare at James for a few minutes, his face softening from a clear distance to defeat as he came to his conclusion in his thoughts. I told her you would notice; he said you would never tell, but you did,” he says, sounding pained, ripping his eyes away from James’s, pausing his speech, seeming to be gathering his strength for what he was but to say.
“Fine, I’m trans. Is that what you wanted? Is that the great confession of Regulus black? Are you going to laugh in my face now? Tell me how stupid I’m being like my mother did? That I’m a worthless little girl and I will never be anything more? Because I’m sorry, but this is just who I am, and nothing will ever change it!” there was a slight pause in his speech. “I bet this was all just a ruse to you. To get to tell all your brave Gryffindor friends that I am just a queer piece of shit that deserves no love, well guess what, James? I was starting to love you; you know what fuck it? I do love you. I love you so much it could ruin lives, and now it has to go laugh with your mates or whatever. Don’t give a fuck about me.” Regulus was sobbing now, and great, big, ugly tears dripped down his face. He tried to stand to run from his problems `, but James grabbed his arm, still slightly in shock from his outburst; Regulus must have been holding that in a long time.
“You love me?” James asked in disbelief.
“That’s what you get from that?” Regulus asks, the tears evident in his voice.
“I already knew” It was Regulus’ turn to be shocked now.
“How?”
“You think I didn’t notice you before? Or did you think that Sirius didn’t mention his little brother all the time? He loves you, and I had already half fallen in love with you in the first year before, just from his stories. You were wearing the girl’s uniform until Sirius gave you his old ones; when your mother found out, she sent a howler that went off at breakfast. No one else understood what it was, but I did; I knew this whole time and never cared; I love you for who you are, not what you’re labelled. I love you so much it could destroy galaxies. And it gets stronger every day.”
They were sitting up in bed staring at each other, embarrassed of their outbreaks but happy with what was said. It settled into a slightly uncomfortable silence that James broke.
“You know you never actually answered my question; why were you so uncomfortable?”
“Oh, umm, I’m sort of on a really heavy period, kind of painful full, and I may have been wearing my binder for a little longer than the recommended time,” he said the last part quickly.
“What is the recommended time to wear it?”
“Not over 12 hours for me. It’s sometimes different, but that’s the general advice.”
“And how long have you been wearing it?” James continued to question
“Around 2 days straight apart from showers.”
What the hell regulus that has to be dangerous,” James raises his voice again slightly, his concern clear.
“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t bear to see my chest, not now, not when I already feel so bad”
“Can you take it off now?” James asked, his concern still clear but now focused on fixing the issue as much as possible. Regulus’s face tensed again, and he could see the thoughts running behind his eyes. “You can do it in the bathroom if you want, and I can turn off the lights so I can’t see you if it makes you more comfortable” Regulus smiled at this, looking James in his eyes.
“Yeah… yeah, I can do that, but you don’t have to din the lights. I want you to see me,” he said, pressing a kiss to James’s now smiling cheek, walking back to the ensuite and closing the door.
After a few minutes, he returned with a slightly more relaxed posture and a slightly less flat chest. It didn’t matter though to James he was still his boyfriend the man he had fallen in love with and was perfect.
Regulus sat back down on the bed next to James closer than he had optionally been to him all of the previous date.
“Does that feel better?” Regulus nodded. “Anything I can do to help with that or your period?”
“Well, I did hear that an orgasm can help stop period pain” James froze and looked at Regulus, unsure if he was joking or not. “Damn, I was kidding. It’s interesting you considered it, though; I’ll remember that. I think that some cuddles would be nice right now. Just don’t touch my chest.” James nodded and they both laid back down, Regulus lying between James legs so James could play with his hair. James ran his fingers through Regulus’s hair, untangling tiny knots. The music from earlier was still playing, and it was calming again. Regulus seemed to be more comfortable, not squirming like he had before.
The reality of the situation hit James later than it should have. His boyfriend loved him, and James loved his boyfriend, his perfect boyfriend; the love of his life had told him he felt the same way (even if it was in an enraged speech). They loved each other.
Regulus and James fell asleep to that thought and each other’s presence, sleeping peacefully for the rest of the night and well into the first period of the next school day, happily in love.