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In her temporary quarters on Starfleet’s main campus, Jadzia Dax scrolled through posting after job posting at the console. Each flick of her finger across the screen heightened her anxiety.
The lab technician position on the USS Alliance was far too junior for an officer of Curzon’s standing! But would the xenobiologist role on the expedition to Breen’s sixth moon be too ambitious for Jadzia? The scientific liaison position at Starfleet headquarters here in San Francisco was very appealing to Emony and Lela, but Torias wanted to fly and see the stars! Tobin was hoping to try for the starship design program on Mars, regardless of Jadzia’s own qualifications, and Audrid thought that the associate professor position in the astrophysics department of Starfleet Academy sounded very auspicious.
All of these opinions and desires, and each and every one of them felt like Jadzia’s own. How was it even possible to have such conflicting thoughts inside one person? Jadzia rested her elbows on the console and dropped her head into her hands. There were so many available positions, but how could she ever choose the right one? Her stomach had been twisted in knots for weeks.
She had been practicing the grounding techniques she had learned at the Institute every day without fail since her Joining three months ago, but they seemed to have little effect. Tobin’s thoughts had emphasized how much more difficult the notorious Dax symbiont was to integrate than most, but Jadzia had brushed that off as Tobin’s anxiety. Looking back, she wished she had taken him more seriously, but even if she had, what would she have done differently? What could she have done?
Jadzia was the most studious person she had ever met. Probably the most studious person Dax had ever met. She knew all of the tried-and-true techniques and even the rarely-used hypotheses off by heart, and she had tried every one of them. Nothing was improving her sense of constant conflict and loss of self.
Emony recommended exercise. A good workout regimen left her feeling centered and in control. Jadzia was fit, but Emony’s workouts just left her exhausted and even more prone to Dax’s whims.
Torias urged her to take to the skies and leave all of her troubles behind. Jadzia enjoyed flying and had been a fairly decent pilot before Joining. However, as delighted as she was to discover how much better she had become with Torias’ skills and instincts added to her own, piloting a plane didn’t bring her the same sense of belonging that it brought to Torias.
Lela’s thoughts on the matter had been the easiest to decipher, but they were the least helpful. She wanted Jadzia to ‘be herself’, whatever that meant. Wasn’t that what she had been trying to do this whole time? And who was Jadzia without the symbiont anyway? Just a shy, academic Trill girl whose goal in life was to be Joined. She had been so devoted to her studies that she had practically memorized the textbooks for all the core Starfleet Academy classes as well as the advanced scientific ones before her Joining. She’d barely needed Curzon’s experiences at all to qualify for and then test out of the Academy’s specialized fast track. She had actually set a Starfleet record.
Sitting those Starfleet exams had been when Jadzia had felt most like herself. Now she was here, on the precipice of her Starfleet career, ready to really live, and the pressure to provide Dax with a full, exciting life brimming with new experiences was overwhelming. What could a girl whose only life experiences involved reading and studying have to offer a worldly, 300-year-old symbiont?
Jadzia felt her eyes beginning to prickle, and her throat was tightening painfully. Great. Now she was going to cry. Again. Because that had helped so much yesterday and the day before. And the days and weeks before that. Swiping angrily at her eyes, Jadzia accidentally hit the screen of her console and let out a cry of frustration as the immense page of postings scrolled and she lost her place. She only had three days left to submit her top requests to Starfleet, and she had absolutely no idea what she wanted.
About to slam her fist on the power button and give it up for the night, three blurry words caught Jadzia’s attention. Chief Science Officer.
Jadzia scoffed. In her wildest, most fantastical childhood dreams maybe. No one in their right mind would make such a mixed up little girl their chief officer of anything. Despite herself, Jadzia tapped the posting to open it.
The tears dried on her cheeks as she read. It was a deep space posting - not at all desirable to most new Starfleet graduates or even those already in Starfleet who were just looking for a change. Like Torias, most wanted a posting on a starship to explore the stars. And if not an explorer at heart, they wanted to establish their lives planetside near family and friends, building a part of their own society as Audrid had done on Trill as the head of the Symbiosis Commission. Jadzia didn’t mind though. The chance to conduct long-term, in-depth studies of a relatively unknown sector was basically a dream come true. Maybe she would get lucky and there wouldn’t be many applicants?
The position naturally required significant scientific experience, but it only required a single degree. Surely Jadzia’s four degrees had to count for something, right? They did want somebody with more time in Starfleet though. There was nothing Jadzia could do about that. But… would they count Curzon’s experience? He was practically a relic by the time he retired, having served for his entire adult life, and Starfleet had declared Jadzia a Lieutenant based on Curzon’s experience and her own test scores. Could that possibly be enough?
She continued to read. It was based on a space station. It wasn’t quite what Torias had in mind when he envisioned flying through the stars, but living among them did hold a certain appeal. It was an old Cardassian station. Jadzia winced at the thought of all of the terrible things that she had read about the Bajoran Occupation, but Tobin perked up at the idea of alien technology.
It would require a significant amount of work with foreign scientists. The negotiation aspect delighted Lela, and the social aspect intrigued Emony. Meeting new people had been her favorite part of visiting Earth anyway.
Audrid appreciated the prestige of the position, but she also liked the idea of a home base. A place for the newest Dax to establish herself both professionally and personally.
Jadzia’s heart was pounding. The scientific expectations were nothing she hadn’t encountered before. The only difference was that she would officially be in charge. Jadzia tended to take the lead on group projects anyway, designing methods and instructing others on how to carry out the experiments. She could handle a leadership role. It was a small station and would also require some work in operations, but Curzon was very familiar with Ops. He could help her out with that part, right? He was being abnormally quiet. The other past hosts had found a reason to take interest in this posting, but she didn’t sense anything that felt like Curzon.
Could she actually qualify as a chief science officer? Jadzia felt more alive at the prospect than she had in the last three months. Was this what Lela meant? Recognizing her own dreams instead of trying to find a compromise that satisfied all of the previous hosts? But wasn’t she supposed to integrate all of the hosts? All but Curzon had shown at least a bit of curiosity if not support. Did a majority count? Jadzia’s head was spinning. To hell with it. Before she could talk herself out of it, she uploaded her resume and submitted it.
Jadzia’s hands were shaking as she sat back in her seat. She still needed to select a few other options, but she had just made her first major, Joined decision. Her application was going to be rejected, but even so, she had made a choice as Jadzia Dax that was more complicated than what to have for breakfast. And that decision had been a complete disaster the first time. No matter what Tobin said, poached Tenaran hawk eggs were disgusting. She was going to count this as an accomplishment and call it a night. She powered down the console, took a long, hot, real water shower - no sonic efficiency for her today - and slid into bed. Jadzia allowed herself one last, wishful thought about becoming a chief science officer one day in the distant future and fell asleep.
.>*<.>*<.>*<.
When Jadzia woke the next morning, she felt refreshed, as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Maybe she would master this Joined business after all.
She powered up her console while waiting for her raktajino to cool enough to drink. Jadzia had had a fascination with other cultures long before being Joined and had a particular interest in Klingons. They were so passionate and unfiltered and wild - everything Jadzia Idaris was not - and she enjoyed reading about them. It wasn’t until her Joining that raktajinos appealed to her though. Curzon had been insistent on that. She had had at least one - okay, two. Maybe three - every day since.
There was a new message waiting for her from an Admiral Nechayev with the subject line ‘Deep Space 9: Chief Science Officer’. Her stomach dropped. Wow, her application must have been worse than she’d thought. She’d hoped for at least a day or two to fantasize about her Chief Science Officer dreams before receiving her rejection.
Leaving the message unopened, Jadzia walked away from the console and dressed in loose black lounge pants and a purple tank top, ready for another day of scrolling through Starfleet job postings. She ate some fruit and a slice of toast at a leisurely pace, flipping disinterestedly through the daily Starfleet News Bulletin. New starship class under development. A nebula discovered in the Tarkalean sector. Blah, blah, blah. Normally, new technological advances and scientific discoveries fascinated her, but today they couldn’t hold her attention. She knew she was procrastinating.
With a sigh, Jadzia moved back to her console. The message from Admiral Nechayev was still flashing on the screen. Jadzia tapped it, and a blonde woman neatly dressed in an Admiral’s uniform began to speak.
“Hello, Lieutenant Dax. I am Admiral Alynna Nechayev, and I wish to speak to you regarding your application to the Chief Science Officer post on Deep Space 9. The Bajoran situation is a matter of some urgency, so I will contact you at 10:00 hours tomorrow morning. If this is unagreeable, please contact my assistant to arrange a new time as soon as possible.”
Jadzia glanced at the clock. Eek! She only had a few minutes before a Starfleet Admiral wanted to talk to her! Leaping up, she dashed to the bathroom and slathered some tinted moisturizer on her face. There was no time for her normal makeup routine, but hopefully a little eyeshadow and mascara would at least give the appearance that she hadn’t spent the morning lounging around in her quarters.
Yanking a brush through her hair, she hurried to the closet. She dropped the brush on the floor, ripped off her tank top, and pulled on her undershirt. Jadzia grabbed her uniform jacket and held it in her teeth so that she could pull her hair back into a ponytail as she ran back to the console. She tripped on the brush and slammed her toe into the leg of her bedside table. Hopping on one foot and cursing through her mouthful of jacket, she finished her hair and flopped into the chair at her desk.
Jadzia shoved her arms into the sleeves and was just doing up her buttons when the console chimed with an incoming call. Toe still throbbing, Jadzia forced the grimace off of her face and answered the call with the calm, cool manner befitting of a Joined Trill. “Good morning, Admiral.”
“Lieutenant.” Admiral Nechayev greeted her briskly. “As I’m sure you read in the Bulletin this morning, Bajor officially requested Federation aid three days ago.”
Inwardly, she cringed. Nodding, she said, “I saw the Bulletin.” Not technically untrue.
“Then you are aware that the situation is precarious. Now that Bajor has ended the occupation on their own, Starfleet can render aid without violating the Prime Directive, but only if we can establish a base before Cardassian forces retake the planet.”
Jadzia nodded along. This was interesting to be sure, but why was this woman bothering to tell her all of this? Why didn’t she just reject her application and have done with it?
She tuned back into the Admiral.
“-so you can see that a chief science officer with your investigative skills and expertise in a broad number of subjects is of the utmost importance to this mission. Your, ah, previous host’s negotiation skills could also be highly valuable.”
She must have missed something. This couldn’t be right. “You’re accepting my application? I mean, I got the assignment? Was I the only applicant?”
Admiral Nechayev scrutinized her closely as though looking for a joke. “On the contrary, Lieutenant. We had several qualified applicants, and we were prepared to offer the position to someone else later this afternoon, however, we feel you are the best candidate for the role.”
“I - I, um, I don’t know what to say. Thank you!”
“Unfortunately, time is not on our side. Traditionally, a new Starfleet graduate has the opportunity to submit themselves for multiple assignments, but as this is a senior position in a critical situation, I will need your response today.”
“My response?”
“If you choose to accept, you will be on the next transport to Star Base 375 which leaves in two days time. I can give you an hour to think about whether to accept the posting.”
“Yes! Yes, I want the assignment!” Jadzia exclaimed. “I mean, thank you, Admiral, but I don’t need time to think it over. I accept the position.”
Admiral Nechayev raised an eyebrow, and Jadzia smiled sheepishly.
“My assistant will send your transport information. The new station commander will contact you shortly to go over the details.”
“Thank you, Admiral. Who is the commander?”
“Commander Sisko. Good afternoon, Lieutenant.”
The screen went blank, but Jadzia barely noticed. Where Curzon had been disinterested at best, he was now standing at attention. Could the galaxy really be that small? Could there be another Commander Sisko? Surely not. A deep space assignment in the middle of nowhere, and one of Curzon’s best friends was her new commander? It was almost too good to be true!
Jadzia fidgeted with the drawstring on the lounge pants she still wore below the Starfleet jacket, impatient to confirm that this Commander Sisko was the man she knew so well. She stood and paced, willing the call to come through. Something coiled in her gut, but instead of crippling anxiety, it felt almost like… excitement?
She jumped when her console chimed another incoming call. Tapping the screen to answer it, Jadzia felt a grin spread across her face as the man’s face faded into view.
“Hello, Benjamin.”