Work Text:
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Robbie Plant changed the theme to pizza.
Eddie: YES
A THOUSAND TIMES YES
Steve: Please order hawaiian
Nancy: I hate you.
Jonathan: ur just sad u don’t get to enjoy the sweet sensation of a pineapple melting on ur tongue
Robin: replace pineapple with [I AM IMMEDIATELY SHOT IN THE HEAD]
Jonathan: i think i hauve. covid
Nancy: *video attached*
Tell me you’re not dating Jonathan when you literally kissed him on the RED CARPET Steven.
Steve: I kissed Eddie right before!
Nancy: …What.
Steve: Yeah
It was like
You know. Performance art
Nancy: Performance art.
Steve: Yes
Had to even it out
Robin: jesus christ
i’m not sure whether this helps our pr or hinders it tbh
Eddie: hinders. definitely hinders
Jonathan: i liked it
Nancy: We know Jon.
Bob Dylan added Robbie Plant and Mustaine Man and Dave Grohl to jonathan/steve conspiracy
Nancy: We are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony between our dumbass singer and our equally dumbass drummer.
If anyone objects please say nay…
Eddie: nay
Nancy: Nay
Robin: neigh
ACTUALLY i for one am thrilled but sure my fellow equestrians
Eddie: wheeler when are you gonna stop adding REAL LIFE DAVE GROHL to our groupchats. he’s a CELEBRITY
Nancy: When he answers. Also we are celebrities??
By the way, can someone please tell me how to change my name from Bob Dylan?
Eddie: BY THE WAAYYY I TRIED TO SAY I’D BE THEREEEEE
red hot chili peppers mention
Dave Grohl: Nice.
Robin: OH FUFCKIGN GOD
WHA TTHE FUCK
Eddie: DAVE GROHLOOO==??????
Dave Grohl: I was never here.
Robin: no one tell steve. i’m so fucking serious
Eddie: i can’t believe you’re making me hide this from my
oh fu
wait
Robin: what is happening right now
Eddie: MY BEST FRIEND!!
sorry, jonathan distracted me
Nancy: Can someone please help me change my screen name!!!!! I am not Bob Dylan!
Robin: soz nance
u have his aura
Nancy: Alright, well. Thanks for the support. Also, hello Mr. Grohl. Big fan of the hero song.
Anyway, Jonathan and Steve are for sure dating, right?
Eddie: uuuuh
Robin: i’m sensing homosexual vibes, certainly
Nancy: Interesting.
Robin: very
is dave grohl just lurking?
Eddie: i think so
but guys
Nancy: Yes?
Robin: yeah?
Eddie: nvm
Private messaging between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Eddie: babe.
wheeler just added me to a groupchat with robbie
Steve: What?
Eddie: they’re trying to prove you’re dating jonathan
Steve: WHAT?
Eddie: i’m so serious right now
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Nancy: Where is she?
Robin: who? me? what did i do
Nancy: No. My GUITAR.
Robin: oh
ummm
idk
Eddie: haven’t seen her since last night. sorry wheeler
Nancy: Steven?
Steve: Nope, no idea
Jonathan: same. sorry nancy
Nancy: Something is going on here. I can smell it.
Count your days.
All of you.
GC: REUNITE NANCY’S GUITAR WITH NARNIAAA
Steve: Store cupboard off the main stage
Eddie: GENIUS. she hates mops
Robin: hilarious given her hair style
Jonathan: is this bullying? i feel like this is bullying
Robin: she called you a morrisey impersonator last week
Jonathan: continue.
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Steve: The guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers just slapped my butt
Feeling. Something.
Robin: we’ve known him for three years how do you still not know his name
Steve: I forget :(
I kinda liked it
Don’t tell him
Eddie: ?????
Robin: *image attached*
happy friday
Eddie: CAN YOU LET IT GO
IT WAS ONE TIME
I FELL OFF THE STAGE ONE. TIME.
Robin: not when u still react like that i won’t
Steve: Making that screenshot my lockscreen
Eddie: unbelievable. i’ve been trying to get you to make me ur lockscreen for YEARS and this is what does it???
i thought we were friends
Steve: Lol
Eddie: i’m quitting the band
Jonathan: buddy. we’ve all been there. what about that time i almost swallowed my own drumstick trying to catch it in my mouth
Eddie: u made that look cool don’t even
Robin: i just can’t get over it i’m so sorry
she was a fairy
Eddie: you know what, it was funny the first time, now it’s just kinda offensive
Robin: not because you’re GAY.
Eddie: oh yeah? so why
Robin: because
Eddie: mhm
Robin: so like
Eddie: betrayed by my own kind. it’s just like that time in high school when steve shoved me against the lockers
kinda homoerotic?
Jonathan: the way you worded that made it sound like he KISSED you after that
Eddie: oh i wish ;) fuck, teenage eddie would’ve [REDACTED]
but i would never kiss robin i respect her way too much
Robin: …thanks?
Steve: Ouch.
Eddie: don’t be like that, babe
Private messaging between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Steve: I ordered room service
Eddie: fuck yeah. omw
Steve: Want me to push you against some lockers?
Eddie: YES?????
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Nancy: TODAY I FOUND MY GUITAR IN A STORE CUPBOARD.
WITH THE BOTTLES OF BLEACH.
I hate you all.
Eddie: what do you mean, nance? she’s literally right here
Nancy: There was a cleaning rag stuck to her fretboard.
Eddie: do you have another guitar? bc Shelley Duvall is in front of my eyes rn
Nancy: Edward Albert Munson.
*image attached*
Eddie: that’s literally just a picture of you
Nancy: Stop gaslighting me!
Robin: no he’s right there’s no guitar in that picture nance
Nancy: I’m going to block all of you.
Jonathan: do u guys think we could feasibly fit a spinning drum set into the tour budget
Steve: Which one of you let him watch The Dirt again
Eddie: i swear to god he’s sneaking out of the hotel at night to go rent it
Jonathan: don’t be dramatic
it’s on netflix
Nancy: You can’t have a spinning drum kit.
Jonathan: you people don’t understand me
Robin: it was cool when Tommy Lee did it
now it’s just kinda sad
Robin: chrissy’s here!!!!!!
Steve: YESSSSSS
DID SHE BRING COOKIES
Robin: it’s like you don’t even know her
i get girlfriend privileges though
she made me triple chocolate
Steve: :(
Robin: …
there’s oatmeal raisin for u guys
Steve: :) !!!
Jonathan: man i love when chrissy joins us on tour
Nancy: Right! She’s the best.
Can we take her out to dinner?
Robin: getting a little creepy now, guys
Eddie: we’re all kind of in love with your girlfriend rob
sorry
fleetwood mac core
Robin: don’t even joke about that
you’ll curse us to band-cest for all eternity
Steve: Aha.
Ahahaha
Yeah
Robin: …is this about u and jon
bc we know
Steve: Oh dear
ANYWAY
At least we don’t have a communal coke bag right guys!!!!
Eddie: tell me about it :(
GC: Steve and Jonathan sitting in a tree
Robin: are you guys seeing this!!!!!!!
Eddie: rob, come on
Robin: they’re totally together!!! why else would steve “ahahaha” his way out of that
he wants jonathan so bad
and he’s GETTING it
Eddie: idkk
what if…
no
Robin: what!!!!!
Eddie: it’s crazy but…
what if i sneak into steve’s room tonight? ;)
Robin: oh my god, you would do that?
Eddie: yes
Robin: DO IT
Private messaging between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Eddie: *image attached*
we’re off the hook for tonight
Steve: You in my room? Fork found in kitchen
Eddie: you’re so romantic <333
GC: Steve and Jonathan sitting in a tree
Robin: how did it go eddie??
Eddie: how did what go?
Robin: sneaking into steve’s room!!
Eddie: OH
uuuuh he was sleeping
Robin: alone?
Eddie: yes
i think so?
it was pretty dark
Robin: what do you mean you THINK ?????
Eddie: i know how to BREAK AND ENTER
i don’t know how to SEE IN THE DARK
Robin: oh my god you’re useless
Nancy: Interesting…
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Robin: tonight she’s in steve’s bathroom
*image attached*
Eddie: oh.
Robin: oh.
FUCK
Steve: Wrong group chat, Robbie
Robin: NANCY BEFORE YOU SEE THIS PLEASE KNOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU
YOU’RE THE BEST GUITARIST I’VE EVER KNOWN
YOU SHRED LIKE NO OTHER
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Nancy: i’m going to kill you.
Robin: PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Nancy: run.
Steve: Did I ever tell you guys about this recurring dream I had when I was a kid where aliens would come and take me to space
Nancy: *image attached*
Dave Grohl literally said this 2 weeks ago buddy.
Steve: WHAT THE FUCK
Robin: you guys have to meet… i feel like lives would change… yours, most notably
Eddie: i would pay to see you have a conversation with mr growl
Robin: growl
Nancy: Growl
Jonathan: growl
Steve: Growl
Eddie: OKAY I GET IT
Robin: I JUST SGAW JOANTHAN AND STEVE NAKED IN THE CHANGING ROOMS!!!!
Eddie: the changing rooms are in fact the rooms in which people change, birdie
Robin: NO BUT STEVE WAS TOUCHING HIM!!!!
Eddie: what
Steve: I was touching his BACK!
Private messages between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Eddie: babe?
Steve: Oh my God
I’m gonna kill Robin
Eddie: steven elizabeth harrington.
Steve: Oh fuck right I’m not cheating on you! I was helping him put on his eczema cream
Eddie: LMFAOOOO
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Steve: I was helping Jon put his eczema cream on
Sorry?
Can bros not help other bros?
Robin: riiiiight. right
Private messaging between Jo-Morissey and Bob Dylan
Jonathan: hello
steve was not touching me inappropriately
Nancy: Good to know.
Jonathan: anyway
cheap beer and greasy pizza tonight?
Nancy: GOD yes.
Jonathan: i’ll order an uber
i heard there was this rlly pretty canyon nearby
let’s get drunk and try not to fall into it
Nancy: Awww.
Our near-death experiences are my favourite, Jon.
Jonathan: mine too :)
Nancy: <3
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Jonathan: dudes
*screenshot attached*
why is the daily mail
oops sent that too quickly
actually i stand by that. why is the daily mail.
Robin: aaahahahaha
see? even the DAILY MAIL believes you’re fucking steve
Jonathan: it’s literally just a picture of us looking at each other. on stage
why does everyone think we’re fucking???
Steve: LOL
Yeah
Robin: ……
Nancy: Interesting.
Private messaging between Jo-Morissey and Bob Dylan
Jonathan: i swear to god i’m not sleeping with steve
Nancy: Okay?
Jonathan: it’s important to me that you know that
Nancy: Oh. Why?
Jonathan: it just is
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Eddie: hypothetically if someone fucked up the pyro machines would we fire the person
Nancy: Depends.
Eddie: okay so i fucked up the pyro machines
Nancy: You’re fired.
Jonathan: just put my wrist in the garlic while cooking dinner and now it smells like. well
Steve: Garlic?
Jonathan: that would be the one, yeah
Nancy: This is why we don’t let you cook the dinners, Jon.
Robin: haaahahahahaha
Steve: I’ll cook next time we’re at an airbnb guys
Jonathan: steve no
Eddie: yeah please stay away from the stove babe
Nancy: Maybe we’ll let you. If someone supervises.
Steve: Oh my god you all hate me
Robin: nancy, steve can’t cook for shit
Nancy: Well, yeah, I know. I dated the guy.
Jonathan: don’t remind me
Nancy: Laughing out loud guys look.
Someone made a Fan-Cam of Eddie and Steve.
*video attached*
Jonathan: i think i’m in love with you
Nancy: Oh! Ok.
Robin: jonathan saying he’s in love with u is his way of saying you don’t have to spell out ‘LOL’
Nancy: But I like to make sure you know what I mean :(
Jonathan: oh myg od
Eddie: wheeler how are you our age when you act like a grandma
also nice
we should get married steve
Steve: Guh.
Yes pls
(That means “please” Nance)
Nancy: You are playing a dangerous game here Harrington.
Private messages between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks:
Eddie: have i ever told you how much i love you
Steve: Yes
Say it again
Eddie: i love you
so much
impossibly much
i feel sick with it
i want to marry you
Steve: EDDIE
Eddie: sorry
too much?
Steve: No
Eddie: are you suuure you wanna marry a washed-up rockstar like eddie munson
i hear he’s kissing the singer behind closed doors
Steve: Duh
Also we’re both washed-up rockstars. Idiot
Eddie: fuck steve
come here if u can
Steve: I’ve snuck out of my hotel room every night on this tour to see you, what makes you think I can’t tonight?
Eddie: steeeeeeeve. steve
Steve: On my way!
Omw*
Eddie: i’m gonna suck the soul out of your body
Steve: OMW W!!!
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Robin: CLUBBIIIIIING
BOOM CLAP THE SOUND OF MY HEART THE BEAT GOES ON N ON N ON N ON ON
Eddie: yippie
Robin: CHEER UP MUNSON!!! or i’ll kill you
Eddie: YIPPIE!!!
Robin: THAT’S THE SPIRIT
Nancy: Is everyone okay with not going incognito tonight?
Steve: As long as the clubs are exclusive
Robin: classist pig
Steve: Jesus Christ Rob
Robin: sorry
Jonathan: no she’s right
but are they exclusive?
Nancy: Yes.
Eddie: let’s do drugs with ninki minjaj!!!!!
Nancy: She’s a bad person.
Eddie: let’s do drugs with Mötley Crüe!!!!
Nancy: No dice.
Eddie: let’s do drugs together!!!
Nancy: No drugs.
Eddie: i’m going to kill myself
Private messaging between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Eddie: i wish i could kiss you in the club tonight :(
Steve: Me too
Maybe it’s time?
Eddie: to tell the world about our torrid affair?
Steve: Torrid’s kinda harsh
But yeah
Or at least the band
Eddie: oOkaAAy
yeah
Steve: Peace sells? OKYEAYUH
Eddie: i have never been more attracted to you than in this moment
Steve: Dave Mustaine really does it for you, huh?
Eddie: yes. yeah. yes.
have you ever thought about growing out your hair?
Steve: Oh my god, reel it in
Eddie: SORRY
and seriously. i’m so down
steve, you’re it for me
i wanna tell the world i’m gay in love with you
Steve: Could you word that slightly differently? Just for posterity's sake.
Eddie: i love you boyfriend. i love you like nirvana loved power chords
Steve: Oh, talk dirty to me, baby
Is Dave Mustaine okay with this too?
Eddie: he’s sixty-two and married and a christian
Steve: And is he okay with it? I’ve accepted that he’s also a part of this relationship, you know
Eddie: ..
…..
..
i’m so gonna marry you one day
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Robin: steve return my straightener asap
Eddie: wait fuck i can’t choose which joke to make
pick ur favourite
you’re dressing up as straight????
It’s next to ur not-so-latent homosezuality
Robin: homosezuality
Steve: I don’t have your straightener
Robin: oh my god you SUCK
Eddie: it’s in your bunk steve
Nancy: How did you know that??
Eddie: um
Steve: He was returning my straightener!
I mean
Fuck
Uhh
I mean
Jonathan: oh my god.
i finally get it
Robin: i’m so confused
Jonathan: don’t worry about it rob
Private messaging between Jo-Morrisey and Stevie Nicks
Jonathan: are you literally living up to your nickname right now by dating our guitarist
Steve: Eddie and I are dating, Jon
Oh my god
Jonathan: oh my god
Steve: How did we manage to text each other at the exact same time
Jonathan: bisexual magic
Steve: That feels right
Jonathan: sooooo
you and eddie, huh?
Steve: Me and Eddie :D
We’re telling everyone tonight
Jonathan: FUCK YEAAAAAAAH
now they’ll finally stop thinking i’m fucking you when i’m literally so in love with nancy i can’t see straight
Steve: Holy shit??
You kept that so quiet
Jonathan: hahaa
yeah
it’s bad
seriously though
that’s awesome
i’m so happy for u guys
Steve: Thanks, Jon
It means a lot coming from you
And hey, maybe try asking Nancy out? I have a good feeling about you two.
Jonathan: Mmm. Maybe
I love you man
Steve: Love you too
Private messaging between Mustaine Man and Stevie Nicks
Steve: Jonathan just told me he’s in love with Nancy
Eddie: JESUS H CHRIST THE BAND-CEST
also i CALLED IT
well he kinda told me irl
but not really
Steve: Why does no one tell me anything?
Why does my own boyfriend not tell me things?
Eddie: you have to see the irony in that statement, sweetheart
Steve: Don’t sweetheart me right now
Not when I can’t kiss you about it
Eddie: >:)
GC: The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Robin: *image attached*
WHAG TEH UFKC WHAT THE FUCK WHAT TEHUFC FUCK
IS STEVE’S HAND OON EDDIE’S ASS
OH MY GOD OHMY GOF
BLEACH. BELACH
Nancy: IS THAT STEVE AND EDDIE?
Oh my God.
Robin: i’ve already seen this video on twitter FOUR TIMES
it’s everywhere
Nancy: Oh my God. Hold on, I have to make some calls.
Sent: 02:34AM
The drummer can’t drum, the bass player can’t play, the guitar player has one riff. The singer is this utter buffoon who–
Nancy: Okay, since the video is blurry and dark we might be able to pass it off as them hugging or something?
But, they’re also naked in a pool with a glass bottom, so.
So.
Robin: i think i’m having a stroke
Nancy: I hope they’re serious about each other. Being naked on the internet is forever. Being naked with each other? Somehow more than forever.
Robin: at least the video is blurry :DD no dick shots!!!!
Jonathan: okaaaaay guys ummmm. i may have insider knowledge
Robin: SPILL. IMMEDIATELY
Jonathan: sooo. so this isn’t really for me to say
but also steve and eddie’s naked bodies are literally in that video so
yeah. they’re an item
Robin: oh my god.
oh my fucking god
Nancy: Oh my God.
Jonathan: yeah…
Robin: how long have you known. byers, how lng have ffyou kneo fn
Jonathan: i found out earlier tonight
swear it on my life
Robin: oooooh my god. ffgfhj
Nancy: Interesting.
Jonathan: which means i’m a single man! who is not banging steve!
Robin: i would’ve thought u guys were doing it the other way around but okay
Jonathan: you pinned me as a bottom?
Robin: i’m not pinning you as anything
Nancy: Interesting…
Jonathan: i have to die
Eddie: oh fuck.
Nancy: Munson. Nice of you to join us.
Eddie: oooooooooooh fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Nancy: Yes. Oh, fuck.
Robin: you made nancy SWEAR.
Eddie: apparently i also made NATIONAL NEWS!!!!! SO YEAH!!!
Steve: Did we actually?
Nancy: Oh, nice of you to join us, Steve!
Yes, you did! You and your humongous ass!
Robin: i’ve never heard her speak like this before
Jonathan: oh my ggod
nancy
Steve: I’m sorry!
Nance seriously
I’m so sorry
Nancy: What on Earth made you think getting into a POOL with a GLASS BOTTOM in the middle of NEW YORK CITY was a good idea, Steven?
Eddie: homosezual thoughts
Nancy: Do NOT try to be funny right now, Munson.
Steve: No, he’s right. I was not thinking with my head
Eddie: not the big one, anyway
Bob Dylan kicked Stevie Nicks and Mustaine Man
Dave Grohl: Congrats, guys.
Jonathan: OH MY FUCKGIN GOD
STEVE AND EDDIE MISSED DAVE GROHL
Robin: AGAIN!!!!???
Jonathan: AGAIN??
HELLO MR GROHL
Dave Grohl: Hello kiddos
Thanks for letting me watch this shit go down
Robin: my life is not real
Jonathan: nancy i think i’m in love with you
Nancy: What?
Jonathan: yeah. yeah
Nancy: Call me.
Jonathan: i’m scared
Nancy: Okay, come to my room instead. Bring a bottle of champagne.
Jonathan: NANCY???
Dave Grohl: Congrats to you guys as well!
robin: MY LIFE IS NOT REAL