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It’s been a couple of days since SEELE had sent Kaworu to NERV, and while he had no reason to complain, he still felt queasy. Why, he was not sure. Probably just some remnants of First’s feelings that had flowed into him during the angel attack.
Finally getting out of SEELE had been a blessing.
Until Kaworu’s activation as a sleeper agent, the old men of SEELE had tasked him to collect intel on NERV and in particular, provide cutting-edge insights into Commander Ikari’s schemes. The easiest way to do that was through observing the Third Child.
So they said.
Even though Kaworu was not too concerned with SEELE’s demands (as he had no say in it anyway), he indeed found observing Shinji, the Third Child, most critical. The way Shinji passionately yearned for connection with others while keeping them at arm’s length drew in Kaworu. What a weird thing that was, passion. What an odd zest for life! Kaworu tried to understand — God, he wanted to — what kind of muddled things were turning Shinji’s heart. How Kaworu wished these tides weren’t turned against him.
Said Shinji had been sulking in Kaworu’s room for a couple of days now. Why, he had not said. Sometimes he curled up on the floor, other times he mixed it up and sat on a chair or on Kaworu’s bed instead. All this catatonia was, as far as Kaworu could tell, caused by First’s self-destruct.
Kaworu was glad that First was dead.
Not really, he didn’t care, but SHE was the one Shinji gave all his attentions to. That vessel had had truly everything: Shinji’s affection and taking reign in what to die for. Not like Kaworu. He had to descend to Terminal Dogma and lose his self either way, regardless of how he felt about Lilin. Why was First occupying Shinji’s thoughts even though Kaworu was the one sitting right next to him, right now, inching closer as they watched TV?
The TV was a little luxury SEELE had never afforded Kaworu, so he never watched any before. He hoped Shinji couldn’t tell he was such a newbie at it. Having only a couple of channels, the TV aired reruns, rom-coms and the occasional news report. Kaworu found it quite fascinating, a great teacher of human relationships, made even better now because he got to watch it with Shinji. Going by how Shinji seemed to find the floorboards infinitely more entertaining than the movie on screen, Kaworu was convinced Shinji had already mastered all what TV could teach about human relationships. Shinji’s knowledge was bound to rub off on Kaworu. It was only a matter of time until he would understand Shinji better.
Shinji’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Uhm, do we have to sit that close?” Arms wrapped around his bent knees, he wiggled away from Kaworu.
“Hm? But isn’t this normal?” Kaworu was not sure what the issue was.
“For you, maybe, Nagisa,” Shinji huffed, “ but not everyone is into PDA like you.”
“What’s PDA?” Kaworu asked, shuffling up to Shinji until their arms touched again.
“Public display of affection,” Shinji groaned.
“Oh?” So Kaworu had been expressing his affection? Who could know your body moved on its on for–; What an interesting discovery! Shinji really knew a lot about human relations. Humming in delight, Kaworu pondered that these few days had been much more fun and educating than all of his years spent at SEELE combined. And Shinji had moved away only now?
“So you say you don’t like that?” Kaworu wanted to know.
“Tch, obviously.”
“But look,” Kaworu insisted and, slinging one arm around Shinji’s shoulder to keep his balance, waved his other at the TV, “that couple is doing the exact same thing. The guy does something like take her hand-“ he whirled around to grab for Shinji’s hand, but Shinji slithered away, so Kaworu ended up taking a nose-dive into his lap instead, “-and she doesn’t do anything and the music gets all romantic,” Kaworu wiggled around so he could beam up to Shinji. “It means she accepts it, doesn’t it?”
Even though Shinji looked so skinny, his lap was surprisingly comfortable. As Kaworu laid there, it hugged him with its scent of laundry detergent and something uniquely Shinji, who lowered his pink face until it hovered mere inches above Kaworu’s own.
Kaworu felt his face get hot.
“It’s not the same,” Shinji hissed and heaved Kaworu off his lap, “I said stop that.”
“Fine, fine. But you did say PDA, and that is PDA, no?”
“No it’s not.”
Arms crossed, Kaworu slumped against the bed. “Hm. You are not a good teacher.”
“That’s right, I’m not.” Shinji stood up, then cleared his throat. “I’m gonna take a leak.”
---
With a sad sigh, Kaworu threw himself onto his mattress. This was going terrible. Why was Shinji mad at him? He looked so cute with that blush on his face.
Brushing down his face with both hands, Kaworu let out another sigh. The core inside his chest felt heavy, which was unusual. It had been the same weight for all his life, clunky and out of place. Since Kaworu had arrived at NERV, it had warmed up. Since Shinji had collapsed against him, it had been rotating hot in his chest. Kaworu felt its flutter, but it was now less at odds with the flesh surrounding it.
In an attempt to calm it, Kaworu pressed his hands onto his chest and his lips together.
How can I make Shinji like me?
Pondering this urgent question, Kaworu turned to the TV.
The couple on-screen was quarrelling about something. “How could you, Aisuke?” the woman yelled, “I thought you and I…!” Tears streamed down her face.
“It’s not what you think,” the man wailed back, “you got it all wrong! She’s my sister! I-” he clenched his fists, “-Aiko, I desire nothing than to watch the cherry blossoms with you in the moonlight!”
The woman clasped her hands over her mouth. Kaworu mirrored it, just to see what it would feel like.
As wind swept cherry petals through the couple’s hair, violins swelled in the background. The woman, somehow even more teary-eyed, extended her hand. “I would like that very much,” she whispered.
The screen cut to a yellow frame with a flashy green box on it. “AND NOW FOR OUR COMMERCIAL BREAK: GREEN BEAN SPLEEN IS JUST THE PRODUCT YOU NEE-“
Kaworu stopped paying attention. He rolled onto his back, lost deep in his thoughts.
If two people get into a fight… and one is mad at the other… they can just propose to go do a pretty thing together? he ruminated, cherries in the moonlight… do Lilin think that looks pretty? Will looking at pretty things make them feel pretty inside? I do feel better with Shinji around. And when he yells at me, I feel worse…
If the people on TV liked each other more if they looked at cherry petals together, Shinji was bound to like Kaworu more if they did the same.
Kaworu jumped to his heels and sprinted three steps to the bathroom. “Hey Shinji,” he yelled as he threw open the bathroom door.
Shinji sat on the toilet, most of him hidden behind the conveniently large newspaper he was reading through. Kaworu didn’t even remember buying one. Had Shinji brought it with him?
With a rustle, Shinji lowered the paper to shoot Kaworu one of the dirtiest glares the latter had ever received. “Occupied.”
“Where’d you get that newspaper?”
“From your shelf,” Shinji snarled, “now piss off.”
“I can’t, you’re occupying it. Actually, since you’re not busy, I wanted to ask-”
“Leave already!”
---
So that hadn’t worked. Back watching TV, Shinji cowered on the floor and tapped his fingers onto its boards, eyes focused on something indiscernible in the distance, and paid not much heed to Kaworu. Huddled into a blanket pile, Kaworu sat on his bed, only his head poking out. All doom and gloom he watched the late-night trash on screen.
It was a musical about a couple who were very busy making out to zesty music.
Kaworu’s gaze dropped to Shinji’s slender neck, and followed his thin shoulders rise and fall with each breath.
“Why won’t you talk to me,” Kaworu spluttered out.
Shinji glanced back to Kaworu, his eyes barely open. “Hm?”
“Why won’t you talk to me,” Kaworu repeated, a bit more steady this time.
“There’s just not that much to talk about.”
“We don’t need a topic to talk. You’re avoiding me, in my own house.”
Shinji sighed. “It’s not much more than a room, is it?” he mumbled.
“So?”
“Fine,” Shinji said, turned back to the TV and hugged his knees, “talk to me then.”
“I…” Kaworu paused, not sure where to start. Why wasn’t Shinji looking at him? Was he ugly? Shinji didn’t think Kaworu ugly, did he? “We sure are watching many movies, aren’t we?” he chattered, squirming in his blankets, “not sure if you want to do something else. You’re just hanging out in my room, at least go grocery shopping with me once in a while. Or read one of my books, or magazines. To be honest, they were already in my room when I got here,” he admitted, “I don’t own anything myself. You want to stay with me, you should talk to me a little bit, no? I’d-, I’d like that,” he confessed, biting down on his lip.
While Shinji gave no reply, his head nodded forwards, which was the friendliest he’d been since being brought into Kaworu’s apartment.
Maybe there was hope.
“What I wanted to say–, sorry for rushing on you in the bathroom, was that rude? I don’t know–, are there any cherry blossom trees close to NERV? Or anywhere in Tokyo-3. I’ve never seen any. Would you show me? Let’s go there together, all right? Before the next angel attack. We only live once,” Kaworu chuckled with a fake laugh. Despite its smoothness, it scraped against his throat. Regardless of the next angel attack’s outcome, he wouldn’t be able to spend any more time with Shinji after it.
Shinji hadn’t objected yet. For Kaworu’s standards, this was going remarkably great.
“The sooner we go, the better. You never know when the next angel attack will be,” Kaworu continued, “this summer heat really beats, doesn’t it? How about we go at night? Tonight? It’s colder than daytime. Maybe we’ll even see the moon.”
A tiny, whistly snore escaped Shinji.
Kaworu’s mouth formed a silent oh. With a mindless gesture, he turned off the TV. Quiet as a mouse, he climbed out of his blankets and crouched down next to Shinji.
Taking deep, slow breaths, Shinji’s head drooped on his chest. He looked so peaceful, like nothing in the world had harmed him.
Kaworu felt a pang in his core, cruel and painful, and for a moment he was too shocked to even move, devastated by the power Shinji held over him. He wanted nothing but to cradle Shinji in his arms and run far away to where neither SEELE nor Lilith, nor Commander Ikari could hurt them.
“Shinji?” Kaworu uttered, his trembling voice barely louder than a whisper. When he got no response, he slowly, gently hooked one of his arms under the back of Shinji’s knees and curled the other around Shinji’s back, scared to death to hurt his Lilin body. He lifted him up without effort, for Shinji weighted nothing to him.
With a small sigh Shinji’s head slumped into the crook of Kaworu’s neck, and Kaworu’s breathing hitched. Mouth hanging slightly agape, Shinji’s hot breath tickled against Kaworu’s skin, who couldn’t help but to stare down at the boy in his arms.
Now Kaworu understood why Shinji wanted nothing but this room to exist, his disinterest in the outside world. What Kaworu would give for this moment to last. Why couldn’t they be regular people? Why all this fighting?
Shinji shuddered in his sleep.
“Cold, aren’t you?” Kaworu murmured, “NERV is really going overboard with their cooling systems, aren’t they?” Delicate as a feather, Kaworu lowered Shinji onto the bed, careful to rest his head onto the pillow.
When Kaworu let go, Shinji frowned, his eyes still closed. Kaworu hadn’t known Lilin could show emotion in their sleep, then again, he had never seen another person sleep before.
Kaworu felt a smile spread over his face. How endearing, he thought, struck by helpless terror. He tucked Shinji in, yearning for him to find Kaworu’s scent clinging to the sheets as intoxicating as he found Shinji’s own, then slid onto the mattress. Perched up at the foot of the bed he watched over him, Shinji’s restful face illuminated only by the night light, soft and peaceful and for this time, relieved of the pain of the world waiting for him outside.