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Watch Yourself, Napoleon!
By Jody Iona Palm
Napoleon rubbed his eyes and sat back in his chair. He’d been working in his office at headquarters for hours, on paperwork. Too much paperwork. He decided to call it a night. He got up and put on his coat. As he walked out the door of his office, he focused his ear on Illya’s office. No sound. He decided to poke his head into the office.
“Hey, it’s quitting time! Let’s get out of here. You free for dinner?” Napoleon smiled at Illya Kuryakin, his friend and partner.
Illya looked up and checked his watch. “Hum”, he mumbled, then went back to work. “No. I’m busy tonight. Thanks for asking though.”
“Busy? Busy with who?” Napoleon asked.
“Whom.” Illya corrected. “And you don’t need to know.”
“Come on, what’s up? You know I don’t like eating alone, and no one is around. What is this you’re so busy with, anyway? Tell me.” Napoleon wasn’t usually so prying, since he knew that Illya was a very private guy, but he was genuinely curious.
Illya looked up and sat back in his chair. “I’m spending the evening with a bunch of ladies.” He smiled. That would get Napoleon’s goat.
“Let me guess… physics? Russian language?” Napoleon was very curious now.
“I’m teaching a Self-defense for Women class at the JC in Brooklyn. OK?” Illya finally shared. He assumed this would dampen Napoleon’s enthusiasm. He was wrong.
“Can I come? I’ll just watch.” Napoleon asked.
“No, you may not watch. Any male who shows up is required to participate.”
Illya was leading up to something, but, participating sounded good to Napoleon. “What do I have to do?” Napoleon asked, still smiling.
Illya smiled slyly. “If you come to class, it means you are the ‘enemy’, and will be kicked, punched, and thrown. Still interested? Frankly, I’d love to have another male victim, I mean, attacker.”
Napoleon chuckled knowingly. Illya was hoping this would discourage Napoleon from coming to the class. Not going to happen. “Sounds fine to me. What time?”
Illya balked, and said, “You’re not serious?”
“What time and where is the JC in Brooklyn? And what do I wear?” Napoleon countered.
“7:30. The JC is three blocks west of my apartment. Wear what you’d wear to attack a woman in a parking lot,” Illya responded. ‘This should be good,’ Illya thought.
“OK. See you there,” Napoleon responded with a salute and turned to leave. He imagined having contact with a bunch of women and smiled. This was his forte. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? It was perfect!
Napoleon arrived just before 7:30, and Illya was already there. He and several of the women were putting mats on the floor of the JC’s gym. Napoleon noticed that Illya, an Aikido master, was wearing his Gi and Hakima. Was he teaching them aikido?
Illya looked up when he realized the women were looking at Napoleon. “Oh, hi. Come on in and help us with the mats.”
Once the mats were down, Illya began the lecture portion of the evening. The topic for this evening was How to Handle an Attack from Behind. Illya had Napoleon serve as an attacker in the demonstration portion. Napoleon was impressed with what Illya was teaching the women. It was a combination of Aikido and karate moves with plain fighting techniques. Once the lecture was over, Illya introduced Napoleon, “This is my friend Napoleon, who has graciously agreed to be an attacker tonight.” As an aside, Illya said to the women, “I don’t think he realizes what he’s in for, but don’t be gentle. If I don’t hear a yelp out of Napoleon, you flunk! I want to see some serious self-defense.” He winked at the women, who responded by laughing. “I’m glad to have another attacker, since my body can’t take much more of you ladies.” This also got laughs from the women.
Illya started by asking one of the women to stand up and turn her back to him. He grabbed her by the neck from behind, roughly.
Napoleon was surprised how roughly, but it made sense. The woman used several techniques to ‘discourage’ the attacker (Illya): stomping on insteps, elbow to ribs, turning her head and getting her chin under the arm around her neck, and finally, shifting her body so she could throw Illya over her back onto the mats. Illya recovered quickly and began giving her pointers. Napoleon was impressed!
“Hey, handsome! What are you waiting for? Attack me!” This came from a sweet-looking blond woman, who appeared to be about 19 years old, slender, and five feet tall… maybe. Napoleon figured she wouldn’t be able to hurt him badly, so he came up behind her and grabbed her by the neck. The next thing he knew, he was slamming against the mats. Whoa! Illya had taught these women some interesting moves. She finished by yanking his head back by his hair, and giving a mock karate chop to the throat and a yell. Napoleon realized that if she had connected to his throat, he would have a crushed larynx and be unable to breathe right now. She smiled and let Napoleon go.
Napoleon rose to his feet slowly. He called to Illya, who was at that moment being flipped over a middled-aged housewife’s shoulders. “Ah, Illya? Am I allowed to fight back?” He hoped the answer was going to be yes, otherwise it was going to be a LONG night.
“You may do anything you think an attacker might do, Napoleon”, Illya responded from the mat. He, too, rose slowly.
The next woman Napoleon worked with was a tall, skinny woman about 40 years old. She looked kind of athletic, so Napoleon decided to be more cautious. He came up from behind and tried to pin both her arms behind her and drag her backwards. She chose to push backwards into him, which caused both of them to fall to the mat. Then there was a lot of kicking, scratching, and Napoleon found himself in an out-and-out wrestling match!
“OK! Hold it, you two!” Illya was standing over them, with a look that said he was NOT pleased. “Shirley, how the devil did you end up on the mat with Napoleon on top of you? You know better than that!” The other women had gathered around and some were smiling and shaking their heads as Napoleon and Shirley rose.
“Well, he had my hands and arms pinned, so I thought maybe…I was trying to get him to fall…but we both fell…” Shirley sighed and recognized she hadn’t done well.
“If that attack had been real”, Illya was directing his comments to the entire group of women, “Shirley would have been raped by now. So, let’s get a better solution to the move Napoleon used on you, Shirley.”
Napoleon felt badly. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to do that move. “I’m sorry. I should have done the same thing Illya had done…”
“No, Napoleon! What you did was great," Illya countered. I’m glad you were here to do it. It doesn’t help these ladies to have me do all the same moves. They need to be challenged the way you challenged Shirley.” Illya was firm and smiling. After that, Illya began working with Shirley to find better ways to counter the attack. There was a caring attitude toward these women Napoleon hadn’t seen from Illya before.
Once the class ended, they all put away the mats, and the women thanked Napoleon for coming and being willing to be an attacker for the evening. The petite blond asked him if he would come back the next week. Napoleon hedged a bit. “Maybe,” he said.
After the women left, Illya changed back into his street clothes. “Come on, Napoleon, you can take a hot bath at my place, and I’ll cook something. You’ll feel much better after a hot bath”, Illya slapped Napoleon on the back as he walked past him toward the door.
After dinner, Napoleon asked why the interest and commitment to women’s self-defense. Illya picked up his glass of wine and motioned for Napoleon to come to the living room and sit.
Illya began, “I take walks at night…because I have trouble sleeping.”
Napoleon knew this. He called it Illya on the prowl.
“Well, one night last year, I heard some muffled screams and came upon a rape in progress in an ally. I fought the guy, but he got away. I stayed with the woman until the EMS and police arrived and then was going to go home, when she asked me to stay with her. I accompanied her to the hospital and the police station, and she clung to me the whole time.” Illya shifted in his chair.
“You would not believe what she had to go through! The police were miserable to her. Their attitude was that she brought it on and therefore deserved it. They didn’t even want to file a police report!” Illya was visibly angry. “I insisted they file a report and find the bastard who raped her. I gave them a good description of the guy. They were not pleased, but since I have a badge which seemed to out-rank them, they did it.”
“Next thing we knew, they arrested the guy, and we had to go to court. There, the defense attorney again blamed HER, and the rapist got off with a slap on the wrist. It made me so angry. I decided that the only solution was for the women to learn to fight and not get raped.”
Napoleon smiled. “You know, everyone thinks you’re so stoic and unfeeling at HQ, but you’re not really, are you? You were so kind and compassionate to the women in that class. You really care about their safety.”
“Well, someone has to! And I elected myself.” Illya shifted again. “Oh, hell. There’s another reason. When I was a kid, I was small for my age. That was before I grew to this magnificent height of 5’ 7”. Anyway, that meant that I was bullied incessantly. I know what it’s like to be overpowered and hurt by someone bigger and stronger than I am. That’s why I became an Aikido master and a Karate blackbelt. That’s why I work out. So, I suppose my hatred of bullies figures into this as well.”
Napoleon was nodding. “I understand. And I think you’re doing a great job with those women. I’ll be back next week to take more abuse. Maybe we can figure out some type of protection for each of us, so we don’t look like we wrestled with a bear every week?”
They both chuckled. Illya said, “Believe me, I’m open to suggestions!”