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This new life seems perfect on the surface. Elijah is receiving the best medical care that money can buy. The hero Gaon is pursuing his convictions and making the world a better place without Yohan getting in the way. Everything seems to be exactly as it should be.
Yohan should have known better.
Elijah reaches a notable milestone in her treatment. Her doctors say she should celebrate.
On the way home, Yohan opens the note in his notes app titled: “Things Elijah Likes” and starts making suggestions.
But Elijah is distracted.
“Gaon should be here to celebrate with us,” she says.
It's not the first time she's mentioned Gaon since moving to Switzerland. And it's a special occasion. So Yohan finally does what he's been avoiding for the past year.
One of Yohan's assistants in Korea passes along a message to Gaon. And within a hour, it's confirmed that Gaon will visit them in Switzerland at the next available opportunity.
Eijah insists to be brought along to the airport to pick Gaon up when he arrives a few weeks later. Yohan stays home but stands outside the entrance of their Swiss estate when the GPS tracker says the car is 12 minutes away. The car rolls up and Yohan watches Gaon step out. He looks pale and tired, devoid of his usual stubborn energy. Dark circles ring his eyes like bruised thumbprints. Gaon smiles at him and it's like the smile the last time they saw each other, tense and teary at the edges.
Yohan should have known then. But he brushes it off. Gaon has so much work on his plate with a stressful, public-facing position. Someone as dedicated to his work like Gaon is must be working himself sick.
Gaon asks if he can cook for them while he's visiting. Elijah won't let Yohan refuse. Gaon cooks for them every day and Yohan finds himself watching him work. When talking to Elijah, Gaon smiles. But in the moments between Gaon's face is blank and lifeless as he stares at the food on the stove.
Yohan should have known then. But that stove is finicky, too expensive and technologically advanced for its own good. Gaon needs to concentrate, especially since he must be concerned with doing a good job since it's been so long since they've had his cooking.
The food is delicious. Gaon brushes off all of Elijah's compliments. He doesn't eat much and blames it on the jet lag.
“How is your work going?” Yohan asks at the dinner table.
“Oh it's the same as it's always been,” Gaon shakes his head, “I want to hear about you and Elijah, you're the ones doing exciting things.”
Elijah is happy to talk Gaon's ear off about everything new. Yohan enjoys watching Gaon's demeanor brighten under her attention.
Elijah shows Gaon all of the local attractions and Yohan tags along. They leave early in the day and return in the evening. After dinner, Gaon and Yohan read side by side in silence in Yohan's study. And every night, exactly an hour later on the dot, Gaon dismisses himself to head to bed.
The end of Gaon's visit approaches.
“Can you stay a few more days?” Elijah asks.
“I can't,” Gaon inhales tightly, “I have work to return to, and besides, you don't want me bothering you much longer, do you?”
“You're not bothering me!” Elijah protests.
“I'm just kidding,” Gaon replies, “It's really your uncle I'm bothering.” Gaon looks over to Yohan with a strange sort of expectant look on his face.
Yohan should have known then. But it must be unpleasant for Gaon to be here in his company after all they went through together. Surely Yohan is the one bothering Gaon.
“He can't stay here forever,” Yohan decides to say, “He has important things to do back in Korea.”
Gaon nods, looking away.
That night, Yohan leaves Gaon to his packing in the guest suite and lounges in his study. He checks the weather, then confirms the status of all of Gaon's flights. He switches over to the news and reads about a local chestnut festival in a few months time. Perhaps Elijah would like to go. Yohan can't decide if she would think it was “cool” or not. Gaon would probably enjoy learning about the local cuisine. It's a shame he can't be with them to enjoy it.
There's a faint knock at the door.
“Come in.”
The door creaks open and Gaon's face appears, “Can I ask you something?” he asks.
“Yes, go ahead,” Yohan replies.
Gaon enters and closes the door behind him. He's in his pajamas, something soft and and loose that is too wide for him in the shoulders. Gaon looks around, aimlessly, then sits down in an empty armchair facing the desk.
Yohan waits for Gaon to say something more but he just stares into space.
“Are you all packed?” Yohan asks.
Gaon nods, still not meeting Yohan's eyes.
“The weather should be nice tomorrow for your flight,” Yohan offers.
“That's good,” Gaon says quietly.
The silence weighs heavy between them. It's different from the previous nights when they sat side by side reading together. Yohan feels like he's suffocating in this quiet.
“It's a shame you can't stay longer,” Yohan says.
“I know I can't stay,” Gaon replies.
“You have important work to get back to.”
“Yes, yes I do.”
Again, the two are left in silence. Yohan doesn't know what to say, mentally scrambling for what Gaon is expecting from him.
“Chief,” Gaon says.
The word takes Yohan by surprise. It's been so long. And there's something unsettling in the way Gaon said it. It reminds Yohan of... things he'd rather not remember.
“You don't need to call me that anymore,” Yohan says.
“I know,” Gaon replies.
“What do you need to ask me?” Yohan says, and he immediately regrets how sharp his voice sounds.
Gaon looks down at his hands. Yohan tries to even out his breathing, pushing away the buzzing feeling in his muscles that makes him want to break something.
“Can you help me find somewhere to stay when I'm back in Korea?” Gaon asks, voice breaking.
“What do you mean?” Yohan asks, “Is there an issue with your apartment?”
“No my apartment is fine, I need...” Gaon's breathing hitches strangely, “I need to be supervised.”
“I don't understand.”
“I don't want to kill myself,” Gaon says.
Something deep in Yohan's soul snaps in half.
“I don't want to die,” Gaon looks up and away, a tear rolling down his cheek, “I think... I think I might not be able to stop myself anymore once I'm back there.”
Yohan crosses the room and pulls Gaon into his arms before he realizes what he's doing. Gaon sobs into his touch and Yohan can feel now that Gaon must have lost weight since he's seen him last.
“Hyung, you have to help me,” Gaon cries.
“How long has this been happening?” Yohan says.
“I know I have to go back to Korea but I need you to help me.”
Yohan hugs Gaon tighter, “You're staying here.”
“I can't.”
“I'll have someone make arrangements with your workplace.”
“You don't want me here.”
Yohan grabs Gaon by the shoulders, “Why would you ever think that?”
“You left me hyung,” Gaon weakly hits Yohan's chest, “And then you came to see me and you didn't even say a word. You don't want me around anymore.”
“I wanted you to have a better life,” Yohan feels sick.
“I don't want it. It's not worth living. I can't make it worth living anymore,” Gaon wails, “I've been trying, I've been trying so hard and I can't do it anymore.”
Yohan's body freezes up, holding tight to Gaon. How did he make such a terrible mistake?
“I keep dreaming that you let me take your place,” Gaon continues, and Yohan can barely understand him through his shaking sobs, “The walls crumble and smash me to pieces and you're safe with Elijah and Soohyun. You're all happy without me.”
“It's just a nightmare.”
“It's all I want hyung. It's all I think about. It should have been me.”
“It had to be me, you know that. You didn't know how to escape it.”
“I know it's not right but I can't stop it anymore," Gaon goes limp in Yohan's arms, "I'm so tired hyung.”
“You're staying here and that's final.”
“Hyung I can't.”
Yohan pushes Gaon back into the armchair. He tries to be gentle but Yohan can barely think straight. Gaon pulls his knees to his chest and buries his face in his knees.
Yohan crosses back to his desk and picks up the phone. A staff member picks up immediately, since that's what he pays them for.
“I need a psychologist that speaks Korean here immediately,” Yohan barks.
“Elijah's psychologist?” the timid voice replies.
“Whoever you can get.”
“I'm not sure if I can find someone until tomorrow morning, it's late.”
Yohan exhales, resisting the overwhelming urge to throw the phone across the room, “Do whatever you can to get someone here as soon as possible.”
“Yes sir.”
“And cancel Gaon's flight.”
“Ah... okay sir, I can do that.”
“You better,” Yohan mutters to himself as he hangs up the phone.
The psychologist can't visit until tomorrow. So Yohan stays by Gaon's side throughout the night. Yohan tries to distract Gaon with books, details about Elijah's treatment, inane Youtube cooking videos, anything he can think of. Gaon eventually stops crying but always looks on the verge of tears.
The sun finally starts to rise, lighting the sky. Yohan feels like he might be able to breathe again.
It's only then when Yohan feels able to say, “I'm sorry I didn't know how difficult it's been for you."
“Don't apologize. How could you have known?” Gaon's mouth curls in a half-smile.
Yohan does employ three different people to watch Gaon in Korea. Three different people who have been reporting for months that everything was fine. Yohan is going to fire them all.
“I thought I had been alone before,” Gaon says quietly, “But now I know I wasn't really alone. This is different.”
“You won't be alone again,” Yohan says, “I promise.”
In two months, Yohan, Elijah, and Gaon go to the chestnut festival together. Gaon eats his fill of the various dishes offered. He laughs. His smile reaches his eyes and lingers even when no one is watching.
Yohan should have known better. But he would be damned if he wasn't going to make it right.