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As Maya finally managed to get the door to open, they both got inside, trying not to laugh.
“My hero” Carina said with a sheepish smile.
Maya snorted. “I know it’s an adjustment and it’s gonna take some time for us to get used to our new house, but babe, you really need to remember to lock your car.”
“Ugh, I know. But you should not leave without your keys again.”
Maya nodded. “You’re right. I guess I wasn’t really thinking at the time.”
Carina looked at Maya’s face, noticing she looked relaxed, despite their fight. “Did it work?”
“What?”
“Your walk. Being alone.”
Maya sighed, taking Carina’s hand. “It did. I’m sorry I left like that. I just didn’t want to lash out and say something I didn’t mean just to regret it later.”
“I understand you need space sometimes to collect your thoughts. I do not understand why you got so defensive though. I promise I was just trying to figure out where you were coming from.” Carina spoke softly.
“It wasn’t really what you said. More like the way you said it. I guess it hit a nerve.” Maya said, looking down. Carina cupped her cheeks, looking into her eyes again.
“How so, bambina?”
“I guess I felt like you dismissed every research I did, every fact I read, and made it to be about my childhood. I know I acted all snippy but talking about my insecurities like that hurt.”
As different as their upbringings were, they both shared many similarities in how they dealt with feeling cornered, attacked and out of control.
And that’s how Maya felt whenever her family was brought up. Years of lacking control over every single aspect of her life. Just thinking about everything she went through felt like the walls were somehow closing in.
Even in therapy, it was still very hard to bring up the subject. So to regain control, she tends to lash out and run away to avoid talking, thinking even.
Carina though has always carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. Controling things was the only way she could survive and take care of everyone she loved.
Being by herself, having to deal with it all alone was everything she had known for most of her life. Thus not unlike Maya, talking about her feelings does not come naturally - she tends to keep inside the things that hurt the most.
And whenever she feels like she can’t get inside Maya’s mind, she feels out of control. So when Maya gets defensive, Carina reacts, and sometimes it makes her spill out whatever was cooking in her mind (for quite some time) in the wrong way.
Carina had a regretful look on her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. I wanted to calmly talk about it with you but I’m exhausted and irritated, and when you brought up my father I guess I just reacted.”
“We’re not very good at talking when we’re both upset, huh?” Maya said with a half-smile.
Carina smiled back “It’s a work in progress. Specially when we’re sleep deprived.”
“I just don’t want us to raise Liam trying to do everything opposite to what our parents did. We’re not our parents. We have to find our own way.”
“I know. It’s natural that the way our parents behaved affects how we behave now, but I promise that me talking attachment parenting was not about them. Ok?” Maya said seriously.
“Ok. We’ll figure this out, amore. We’ll find a balance. But for that you can’t just ignore me when I ask you to do something differently for Liam, Maya”.
Maya nodded, and was about to reply when they heard a loud cry.
“I think it’s time for his bottle. We’ll continue this later, yeah?”
And they would. They still had a lot to talk about and figure out, but they’d do it all together, always.