Chapter Text
Kirishima wished for a lot of things. First of all, he wished that he could stand by Bakugou’s side, as his equal one day. Secondly, he wished that he could get that limited edition Crimson Riot hoodie from his early series with the trademark manga panel. But thirdly, he wished that he never introduced Bakugou to Utsushimi Camie.
Utsushimi was someone he met recently online, on this zombie apocalypse game. They’d completed a couple of missions together and suprisingly, got along adequately well despite Camie’s flirtatious nature. Kirishima couldn’t help but full body blush everytime Camie called him “beef cake” or the even more popular “stud muffin”. Not manly on Kirishima’s part.
And then things started to spiral. Bakugou somehow caught wind that Kirishima was gaming with someone online (thanks Kaminari!) and then Bakugou started acting all quiet. Kirishima wouldn’t call it jealousy, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it. It wasn’t worth it. Whatever friendship he had with Camie was insurmountable to his friendship with Bakugou. So, Kirishima did a thing. And he did what he thought was the right thing and the best thing to do at the time. It had no downfalls and no one got hurt by it, and like the natural people pleaser he was, he had to choose the path with the least damage.
He introduced them.They started off by playing a horror game. Bakugou and Camie didn’t really hit it off, but they still exchanged details. Kirishima thought nothing of it. He was just happy that Bakugou had chosen him.
Then, a week later, Camie called Kirishima and told him to invite his “cute blondie” friend to join, while they played some shooter games. Kirishima felt up to it. He’d had a good day.
His mood suddenly soured. Bakugou and Camie had obviously talked since their last encounter. Which was fine. Kirishima definitely wasn’t at all jealous.
Okay, fine maybe he was a little bit jealous. If Kirishima was under the impression that Utsushimi and Bakugou had not hit it off last time, that idea was out of the window. They totally hit it off. Like, an unexpected amount of hitting off had concurred. It was like they just clicked.
They fit together perfectly. Kirishima wondered if Bakugou felt like that when he first met Kirishima. If he felt like they clicked. Kirishima’s mind began to wonder. He began to second guess himself. Bakugou never acted like this with Kirishima. Did Bakugou even like him at all? Kirishima was snapped out of his rumination by the sound of Bakugou laughing. At a joke Camie made. Did Kirishima ever make him that happy? Did Bakugou only hang out with him out of pity?
“F- fuck my computer’s nearly dead.” Kirishima faked, struggling to keep his voice steady. He looked down from the monitor, digging his nails into his thighs, vision blurring.
“Why didn’t you put it on charge, dumbass?” Bakugou asked him. Kirishima could hear his eyes roll through the call.
“My b, bakubro. I might have to call it quits for tonight.” Kirishima said quietly.
“Aww, baby no.” Utsushimi said, her voice drawling out. Kirishima looked up to see his character get no-scoped in-game.
“Talk to you guys later, I guess.” Kirishima said and went off the call. He stood up and collapsed into his bed, defeated. Dejectedly, he opened his phone and checked the group chat. He saw the call continue on discord. A minute passed. Another minute passed. And then probably another until Kirishima eventually passed out, staring at screen waiting for the call to end but it never did, full of self-contempt and envy.
Kirishima knew he was being stupid. He didn’t know why he was filled by this unwavering sense of FOMO and self-hatred.
And he hated himself even more for checking the groupchat with Bakugou and Utsushimi first thing in the morning. ‘Bakugou Katsuki ended the call after 5 hours and 34 minutes, yesterday’. They’d stayed on call for 4 hours and 30 minutes, without Kirishima. Kirishima choked and forced himself to ignore the slight twinges he felt in his chest.
Jealousy the green-eyed monster had struck once again.
It happened again. And again. And. Again. Kirishima left the calls early and they’d stay on for hours longer. Which was fine. Bakugou was allowed his own friends. On their next, almost daily call, Kirishima texted Bakugou asking if he could join the call on the group chat. Kirishima waited. Bakugou didnt respond.
Out of embarrassment Kirishima sent a “nvm, forgot we had maths hw” text and switched off his phone, wallowing in his own self-pity and feeling very much overwhelmed by his own very existence. Kirishima feigned to be in the depths of sleep when Bakugou finally responded, after an 8 hour call with Camie.
“Shit, I didn’t see ur message. U should’ve joined, shitty hair.” Bakugou responded at 1am. A couple of minutes passed. Kirishima looked back to the group chat. 8 hours. Bakugou couldn’t put up with Kirishima for 8 hours, but he could with Camie? Kirishima felt like seething. But he knew that he had no one but to blame other than himself.
“R u mad at me? You’ve been quiet.” Bakugou sent. Kirishima stared at the screen. How could he be mad at Bakugou? He’d done nothing wrong. Kirishima was the one out of line. What did Kirishima expect by introducing them? No, Kirishima wasn’t mad at Bakugou. He was mad at himself. There was a catch.
And the catch was the Kirishima was very much so in love with Bakugou. And Kirishima had just set up Bakugou with his future girlfriend. On his own accord.
“Don’t leave me on read, asshat.” Bakugou sent. Kirishima stared at the text. He saw the typing bubble come up and his heart leapt to his throat. He felt like he was going to throw up. Bakugou never sent whatever he was typing. Kirishima slapped himself in the face. If there was ever a sliver of a doubt about Bakugou ever being able to have a crush on Kirishima, it was out of the window. He once again, collapsed onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling. Kirishima didn’t sleep that night.
It got worse. Camie must’ve really hit it off with Bakugou because they stopped inviting Kirishima to their gaming sessions at all. And then they stopped calling on the group chat, so Kirishima couldn’t join. Kirishima felt unwanted. He felt replaced. He felt like the second choice.
A week or two had passed. Kirishima wondered if Bakugou noticed if Kirishima was acting strange. If he did, he didn’t mention anything about it. So, Kirishima did a stupid thing. Multiple actually. He saw the ongoing call on the group chat (which was a rare occurrence) and decided to join. Neither of them noticed that he joined. Kirishima listened to them for a few minutes, debating whether he should say anything. He felt like he was intruding.
So, he left the call, unnoticed. No one would notice if he left. Kirishima stared down at his palms. He’d started skipping movie night with Mina and the gang. Would they find a replacement for him too? Kirishima felt the familiar sting under his closed eyelids. And so, Kirishima did what he’d been wanting to do for the past few weeks. He cried. He let himself sob, crunched over his desk, his body shaking, tortured by his mind and prevailing thoughts and visceral paranoia. He succumbed to his own proverbial knife and proceeded to twist it and push it in deeper. Was he really the expendable? Replaceable? Would he be missed if he dropped out of college? Would he be missed if he…
Kirishima took a shaky breath in and out and heard his phone go off next to him, the screen lit up with Bakugou’s profile picture, a mugshot of him smiling. Bakugou was calling him.
Kirishima did a first time thing and let the call ring out, waiting for his phone screen to turn off again.
A few minutes later, Kirishima sent a guilty text “sorry dude, I was working out”. Kirishima felt himself cringe at the lie.
“At 10pm at night?” Bakugou sent back.
“Got to get them gains 💪 “ Kirishima sent.
He was still crying. He had to go back to retype some of the message because he couldn’t see what he’d written. His screen just looked like a dark grey cloudy blur to him.
“You wanna hang this weekend?” Bakugou asked. Kirishima stared at the screen. He didn’t know if he could hang out alone with Bakugou. He felt too guilty and weak and not manly. Kirishima just wanted to wait out the whole situation in his bed.
He didn’t want to do anything else, just stay in bed and sleep. For a really long time.
Kirishima sent out some weak excuse about him going to meet his mums and not being able to hang out. Bakugou then sent a “tch, fine then”.
Kirishima started crying again. At this rate, he’d definitely be replaced by Utsushimi. When Kirishima logged on his laptop and opened up a generic FPS game, he wasn’t unsuprised to see Bakugou and Camie in a match together. He switched his computer off again. Kirishima knew he was being unmanly. Constantly checking the various group chats, and game after game to see if they were online together. It was like he wanted to hurt.
“What the fuck am I doing?” Kirishima said aloud, his voice a quiet mutter. This was the exact opposite of manly. He wanted to lead a life with no regrets and yet, here he was, doubts stacked like an accretion of matter, like gum under a table, piling up until it was impossible to remove.
Kirishima felt like both the table and the gum.
Kirishima stood up, his bones cracking pleasantly and he grabbed his phone, sending a quick message to his friend, Mina. As much as he loved the guys, there was no way that he would ask Kaminari for relationship advice and Sero was far too candid. Kirishima wanted the truth to be wrapped in cotton wool. And there was no way in hell that he could talk to Bakugou about Bakugou. Anyone outside of their friendship group, and Kirishima felt as if he were spreading rumours.
RedRiot: Hey, is it okay if I stay the night at urs? I need to ask u ab something
WeWearPinkOnWednesdays: Sure bb, no problemo ;)
Kirishima sighed in relief. Kirishima grabbed his red overnight duffel bag and shoved some clothes in and left his dorm room, locking the door behind him. It only took around 5 minutes to walk over to the girls’ side of the dormitories but he wanted to get there quickly, in case anyone would accuse him of being creepy. Kirishima had planned to move out of the dorms and rent a flat with Bakugou, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Or rather, he was afraid that Bakugou wasn’t so sure anymore. Hell, if Kirishima kept his act up maybe Bakugou would even move in with Utsushimi instead.
Kirishima was scared. He was scared that Bakugou had found the better option. He was scared that maybe he was never an option in the first place. He was scared that his fears were actually admissions; that maybe his thoughts weren’t subjective but rather the cruel truth, and so his heart and mind were gripped by the cruel hand of time, marinating in the product of his own being- his mistakes, his fault, it was his fault. He introduced them. He had no one to blame other than himself.
And that was the absolute truth.
Kirishima found himself at Mina’s door. He looked at the colourful music poster on the door, with Mina’s favourite sapphic singer Alien Queen. The small glow in the dark aliens smiled at him and Kirishima forced himself to smile back when Mina opened the door after he’d knocked. Mina noticed straight away. She pulled him into the room by the collar of his shirt, closing the door behind him.
“Who do I have to kill?” She stood, and in front of her iron gaze, Kirishima felt much smaller than he actually was.
“It’s not like that.” Kirishima managed.
“Well, you look sad because someone made you sad right? So by that logic and my impeccable deduction skills, I have to kill someone.” Mina responded, smiling widely like the cheshire cat. Kirishima sighed, flopping himself onto her pink zebra-pattern bed sheets, wrapping himself up in a mock cocoon, the bed creaking.
“I made myself sad.” Kirishima explained.
“You’re gonna have to give me more than that, buddy.” Mina stared him down. “What happened?”
Kirishima felt the bed shift and he peeked over the bedsheets, seeing that Mina had sat down next to him. Her amber eyes held nothing but comcern and understanding. He was safe with Mina. He could tell her. She tended to blab, but she would never spread rumours about something that made Kirishima upset.
“I met a girl when I was gaming online.” Kirishima began.
“Did you like her?” Mina asked him.
“No, it- it wasn’t like that. But then Bakugou got kind of, I don’t know, jealous I guess? Kami was joking about it and took it a bit far and then Bakugou took it as me not liking him so much anymore and-“ Kirishima took a deep breath. Mina placed her hand on his knee, staring at him warmly.
“And?” She asked.
“I introduced them. And they really hit it off Mina. Like I hardly even see Bakugou anymore because of how much he talks to her, and I don’t even really play games with her anymore because she’s too busy with Bakugou.” Kirishima took another deep breath. He stared at his hands which were folded in his lap, for a second.
He didn’t want to look at Mina’s expression.
“I feel replaced, Mina. Like I’m perpetually in second place and I feel like the hare in that stupid story we talked about in english class with the tortoise and the hare. And it’s a problem because I really like Bakugou. Like like him.” Kirishima finished his expression of his rumination. “TLDR, I introduced Bakugou to his future wife who also happens to be a better option than me.” The room was silent. Kirishima felt his heart drop into his stomach.
“Sorry, I needed a few seconds to process all of that waffle.” Mina said candidly.
“Minaaa.” Kirishima whined.
“Fine fine.” Mina laughed. “Okay, so um, yeah that was a lot. I think you might be overthinking too much, Kiri. I mean, they’re still wrong for leaving you out, especially Bakugou, but thinking about it only makes it worse.” Kirishima stared at her, incredulously.
“Ugh” He gave in, “Why are you always right?”
“Duh.” Mina laughed. “My impeccable deduction skills and genius. We’re horn buddies, never forget that. Your thoughts are my thoughts, our mitochondria have, like, fused.”
Kirishima snorted.
“Thanks Mina, you’re a good friend.” Kirishima responded.
Mina smiled at him and picked up a controller “Want to play smash bros?” She asked. Kirishima nodded.
…
Kirishima woke up feeling slightly better. They’d slept at opposite ends of the bed in true top and tail fashion (with Kirishima at the tail end, pushed by Mina who was unceremoniously sprawled and had kicked him into the corner through the night). At the sound of his phone buzzing, he untangled himself from the bedsheets and groped the floor mercilessly for his phone, like a drunk man on the subway, and rubbed his eyes to look at the incoming texts.
Bakubro: Where are you?
*BUZZ BUZZ*
Bakubro: I’m going to leave without you, dumbass.
Bakubro: Are you not in your dorm room?
*BUZZ *
Bakubro: Shitty hair, where the fuck are you?
Kirishima stared at his phone, his brain lagging.
SharkWeek: Hey Bakubro :)) Sos, spent the night at Mina’s
Bakubro: I’m heading over.
Kirishima jumped up and Mina kicked him. Kirishima groaned and Mina stared at him pointedly. “Don’t wake me up if it’s earlier than 7.” She muttered sleepily.
Kirishima stared at her alarm clock which was one of those colourful plastic singing flowers. It was nearly 6am.
“Oops, sorry bro.” Kirishima gave her a lopsided smile.
He stumbled into the en-suite, closing the door behind him and getting ready. Kirishima heard four precise but angry knocks at the door and smiled when he recognized them as Bakugou’s from the times when he asked Kirishima if he wanted to study together, or hang out. Kirishima left the en-suite, tugging his shirt on, and he opened the door to Mina’s room.
Bakugou was dressed in his favourite skull shirt and dark green baggy cargo trousers with a metal hip chain hanging from the black silver-studded punk belt. You could tell that his parents’ work in fashion had influenced his style. Kirishima looked down at his own outfit, a rainbow tie-dye shirt, jorts and yellow crocks with white ankle socks.
“Nope, get changed again.” Bakugou growled. “Your T-shirt makes you look like had an orgy with the tellytubbies and jorts are a fucking sin.”
Yep. Classic Bakugou.
“Dude.” Kirishima groaned.
“Nope.” Bakugou shoved him back into the room and then saw Mina in the bed, with a pillow at the end where Kirishima had slept. Kirishima watched his eyes narrow, piercing a hole through the pillow.
Was he jealous?
Kirishima shook his head internally.
Stupid. It was a stupid idea.
Bakugou stood, arms crossed at the door. Kirishima grabbed his overnight bag and pulled out a plain red t-shirt and black joggers with manga panels of crimson riot. Kirishima headed back into the en-suite and began to pull off his clothes. He looked into the mirror, seeing Bakugou staring at him from the doorway, his door open in a silent o-shape. Kirishima cocked an eyebrow up, as if to say are you going to watch? Bakugou turned his head away, the tips of his ears red. Kirishima smiled. Bakugou was so cute when he was shy. He pulled on the new change of clothes and he and Bakugou left the room, closing the door behind them.
“So, you and Mi- Raccoon Eyes, huh?” Bakugou asked.
“You nearly said her name.” Kirishima pointed out. Bakugou tch-ed.
“Besides, didn’t think you really cared about things like that.” Kirishima added.
“I don’t.” Bakugou agreed. Kirishima side-eyed him.
Wait.
Did Bakugou think that Kirishima and Mina were dating?
Kirishima’s eyes widened. “Wait, Mina and I? We’re-“ Kirishima began.
“I don’t want to hear about it.”
“But you asked?” Kirishima asked, confounded.
Bakugou stared at him.
“Okay, sorry dude, that wasn’t very manly of me.” Kirishima apologized. Bakugou sighed.
“It’s fine, Ki- Shitty Hair. I just don’t want to hear about your girlfriend.” Bakugou said.
“But we’re-“ Kirishima began again.
“Did I stutter?” Bakugou asked him. Kirishima laughed through the pit of dread that was filling his stomach.
“Sorry.” Kirishima apologized.
“Now, help me make breakfast.” Bakugou asked, holding a knife pointed towards Kirishima. Kirishima raised his hands in surrender and Bakugou flipped the knife around so that the handle was pointed at Kirishima. “I trust you.” Bakugou added.
Kirishima’s heart swooned. He swore that his own eyes did that cartoon thing where the pupils turned into love hearts and they jumped out of their sockets.
“Sure thing, Bakubro.” Kirishima said with a smile.
…
“KIRIBRO!” Kaminari shouted. Kirishima turned to look at the yellow-haired boy who had entered the kitchen.
“KAMIBRO!” Kirishima exclaimed, jogging up to him and they gripped fists in a manly secret handshake.
“Oooh did Bakugou make breakast?”
“Not for you, dunce face. Now, beg.” Bakugo growled menacingly. Kaminari squeaked and hid behind Kirishima.
“Ahhh! No, I need a strong dependable hero to save me!” Kaminari swooned dramatically, pretending to be a damsel in distress. He paused for a second, waiting for Kirishima to respond, to no avail.
“I SAID I need a strong, manly hero to save me.” Kaminari repeated, emphasis on ‘I said’.
“Oh. Um, stop right there, criminal scum! Do not worry, my fair lady, I will save you!” Kirishima yelled heroically, gesturing wildly.
“Oh thank you, kind hero. How can I ever repay you?” Kaminari batted his eyes at Kirishima, his hand on Kirishima’s bicep. They both burst into a fit of giggles and Bakugou rolled his eyes.
“Stop being idiots and just take your food.” Bakugou growled. Kaminari pouted.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that frowning gives you wrinkles?” Kaminari asked Bakugou, trying to poke his cheek. Bakugou tried to bite Kaminari’s finger in retaliation.
“GET YOUR FUCKING DOG, BITCH!” Kaminari yelled.
“IT DON’T BITE!” Sero yelled from the other room.
“YES IT DO!” Kaminari shouted, and Kirishima couldn’t stop himself from laughing with them. Kirishima patted Bakugou on the shoulder.
“Ugh, he pisses me off.” Bakugou muttered.
“He’s just playing around. It’s okay Bakubro, it’s not that deep. Wanna eat breakfast on the roof?” Kirishima asked, wrapping his arm around Bakugou’s shoulder. He felt the muscles tense under his arm and then relax. Bakugou tch-ed.
“Fine.” Bakugou relented, muttering under his breath as he spun on his heels and walked out of the kitchen with the dishes in hand. Kirishima smiled and ran after him.
He could get used to this.
…
It turned out, that he did not infact have time to get used to this. If friendship was a plague which Bakugou usually avoided, Kirishima would say that he was heavily infected by the vector of Camie. And it was a mutually exclusive relationship, which meant the Bakugou seemed to be lacking in the field, lest for Camie. Which of course meant that his own relationship with Bakugou appeared to be strained. All Bakugou did was sleep, train, study and call Camie: which left little room for Kirishima in his life, with Camie already filling the social part. They trained and studied together, but that was it. They were just… classmates.
Kirishima stared at his ceiling blankly. “Bakugou…” He whispered followed by the unspoken Are we still friends?
As if on cue, Kirishima heard a door slam on Bakugou’s side of the wall and his head turned to face the noise. Kirishima wondered what was keeping Bakuou up at 10:02 at night.
He and Bakugou used to knock each other’s walls as a sign when they wanted to come over when they struggled falling asleep. Used to. He raised his hand weakly to the wall, knuckles grazing the plaster, but he hesitated. He knocked on the wall, uncertain, the loud knocks echoing in his ears.
Bakugou didn’t knock back.
Kirishima fought to swallow the knot in his throat. He was just overreacting, he was just being weak, maybe he fell asleep? He would get over it. Through the wall, Kirishima hear a phone ringing and then the sound of Bakugou picking up, angrily whispering into the phone.
So, this is how it felt to be second place.
He can have other friends, Kirishima reminded himself. He just needed to learn to cope with that.