Chapter Text
As of recently, Toudou was burdened by a very uncomfortable realization. He couldn’t focus in class, couldn’t give it his all in practice, couldn’t even bask in the attention of his fangirls(speaking of the fangirls, he’d made a discovery about them too, but about that later). This realization - no, this epiphany - seemed so obvious now that it had happened, that he wondered how it hadn’t happened earlier.
It happened that weekend, when he was in his dorm room, facetiming his sister. She had been going on and on about a guy she had met in her university, and how great he was, and how she was thinking about him all the time, and how he made her actually want to go to class, and stuff like that. It was a normal thing with her - she would get a new crush and then call Toudou, all excited, going “Jinpachi, love is real”. The conversation itself had been nothing new.
What was new was the parallel Toudou had subconsciously drawn from her new crush to his feelings about a guy. Don’t get it wrong, he had no problem with guys liking guys! He had multiple friends who were gay - take Shinkai, for one. The problem was the guy to whom he had drawn the damn parallel. It wasn’t just any guy - it was his best friend, his rival, his peak spider, his one and only Maki-chan. That was the problem.
As soon as the epiphany had hit, Toudou had let out a strangled kind of yelp and almost thrown his phone across his room. When his sister had asked if he was okay, he had quickly told her he would call her back and hung up. That night he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. The idea of having - dare he say it - a crush on Maki-chan made him want to simultaneously run around in circles, screaming and singing, and dig a hole in the ground and climb inside it to never come back out again. It was one hell of an experience.
Back to the topic of fangirls, Toudou was also suddenly aware of his lack of feelings towards any and all girls. Sure, he enjoyed the attention he received from them, but he had never actually felt an urge to date them, or kiss them, or other stuff like that. If anything, he found that he had wanted to do those things with some of his close guy friends in the past, but had always assumed it was caused by strong feelings of friendship and whatnot. Especially with Maki-chan! He had thought you were supposed to want to kiss your best friend!
Since that facetime call, Toudou had been thinking and remembering every interaction he had ever had with Maki-chan. The amount of “a-ha” moments he’d had that week was ridiculous, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he also suddenly had many unanswered questions.
What now? Would he be able to behave normally the next time they saw each other? Or talked on the phone, for that matter - what if his voice gave him away? What would his friends say? What would Maki-chan say? What if he wasn’t into guys?
That last one made him actually snort. It was written all over Maki-chan’s face that he was some flavor of queer.
But then again, he did always carry those magazines with him…
The whole thing had been giving Toudou a headache for days when he finally decided to seek help. And he sought it from a professional.
“Hey Shinkai, can I talk to you for a moment?” He caught the sprinter in the locker room after practice. There were people who he didn’t want to overhear what he was about to ask(Arakita), so he led Shinkai out into the parking lot. The sun was setting and it was beautiful, and he would have pointed it out if his heart wasn’t threatening to jump out through his throat and fall to the ground with a wet plop.
If anyone could help him in these trying times, it was definitely Shinkai because Shinkai was very gay, and had been very gay for a while, as far as Toudou knew. He didn’t think many others knew, except for maybe Fukutomi, whom Shinkai told nearly everything. The only reason Toudou himself knew was because he was perceptive like that. He was pretty sure Arakita didn’t know because discussing feelings with Arakita was like bathing a stray cat - loud, traumatic, and without much meaningful outcome(the cat is dirty again as soon as you let it back out into the streets, and Arakita stays emotionally constipated). The mere idea of Shinkai coming out to Arakita seemed ridiculous.
Anywho, Shinkai was gay, which made him about the only person on the planet who could help Toudou with his situation, and Toudou was going to use that even if it meant throwing up and crumbling to the ground out of embarrassment.
“Are you okay, Jinpachi?” Shinkai looked at him with concern. “You look pale, are you getting sick? Did someone insult your headbands again?”
“Oh Shinkai, it’s so much worse than that! I think-” he took a long shaky breath and continued in a whisper. “ I think I like Maki-chan! ”
The concern fell from Shinkai’s face. He looked like he tried very hard to feign shock.
“Oh my god, Jinpachi!” He wasn’t smiling but looked like he really wanted to. “That so came out of nowhere! I would’ve- I would’ve never guessed!”
“No you don’t understand! I think I like- like him!” A part of Toudou realized he was being mocked but he was panicking too hard to do something about it. He felt like he was actually going to vomit and crumble to the ground. Shinkai must have noticed that because his expression softened.
“I’m sorry, I just thought you knew. I mean you talk to him all the time and, and the time that you don’t, you spend talking about him. It’s pretty hard to see it happen and think “oh that’s definitely straight”, you know?”
That was true - now that he thought about it, Toudou had been acting very much like a girl with a crush when it came to Maki-chan. He didn’t know when it had started or how no one(Arakita) had noticed or mentioned it.
“But what do I do ?” The help he had expected from Shinkai did not seem to be coming, and he still had so many questions! “Do I tell him or do I just act like I usually do? And if I do tell him, how would I even do it? Would I need flowers? Do guys give each other flowers? Do people even give flowers when they confess? Please, Shinkai, I’ve never confessed before! I’ve only had people confess to me!” At this point, Shinkai was back to looking concerned.
“Alright, Jinpachi, relax.” He put a hand on Toudou’s shoulder. “Don’t torture yourself about confessing yet - there’s many things to think about before that. If you want, we can meet up sometime and talk about this. For now, though, congratulations on the realization..? Makishima seems like a nice guy.”
Toudou still felt like he was being physically tied into a very tight knot, but what Shinkai had said was somewhat comforting.
“Thank you, I appreciate it.” And then the thought about someone(Arakita) finding out and him dying violently of embarrassment flashed through his mind, and he added. “Also, this stays between us, if you don’t mind.” To which Shinkai just winked and flashed him the signature finger gun.
At that point, the rest of the team started pouring out into the parking lot, and the heartwarming queer bonding moment was gone.
“Wassup, what stays between you,” yawned Arakita who had appeared out of nowhere next to Shinkai and kind of leaned onto him, with his cheek digging into Shinkai’s shoulder. “Y’all keepin’ secrets ‘n’ shit now?”
Shinkai, in turn, gently pushed him off and glanced at Toudou.
“Nothing, Yasutomo, mind your business,” he said, unwrapping an energy bar with what looked like his best “nothing gay is or has ever been going on here ;)” face. Arakita eyed him for a moment in suspicion, but then just shrugged and turned away.
“Wasn’t all that interested anyway.” He scratched his chin and yawned again. “Fuck I’m tired. Gonna just go to sleep after this.”
“No you’re not, you have a test tomorrow to prepare for,” said Fukutomi, who was only ever eager to weigh in if it was about school. None of them wanted to be reminded of it, including Toudou, but at least now no one(Arakita) would bring up his conversation with Shinkai again.
That evening, he returned to his dorm room and just fell onto his bed with a sigh. A sigh that sounded all too similar to what a lovesick girl in a romance movie would sound like. Toudou would need to watch himself, if this is what it was going to be like from then on.
He also needed to call Maki-chan, but that was a problem for tomorrow’s Toudou.