Work Text:
Chan locked himself in his room, holding the doorknob tightly and resting his forehead against the wooden paneling. He wanted to smack his head against it but he didn’t want to alert the other boys about his pain. He couldn’t possibly let them know everything he was going through right now.
He didn’t want to be a burden to any of them.
He loved them too much to do that. His precious Felix would be so broken if he ever saw him like this; a frightened mess who would rather go through all of this alone than to spend his last remaining hours with the ones he loved.
Chan let out a choked sob at the thought of leaving them all behind. He had worked so hard to get where he was only for it all to slip away so incredibly fast and he couldn’t fathom the idea of trying to keep it within his grips. He had held on for too long. He was exhausted. It was just a simple matter of fact; he was so fucking exhausted.
Maybe one day they will forgive him.
He hoped they would but he could never really know for sure since he wouldn’t be around to see the outcome. He had mere hours before his world would come crashing down around him but the ability to breathe was already escaping him. He clutched the fabric of his shirt in his hand tightly, pulling the collar away from his throat as his air passage felt restricted. Eyes widening and hand clawing at the wooden door as the panic began to set in.
Tears free falled towards the ground as he bent over, panting and gasping for air.
He couldn’t leave them like this.
He hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye. He didn’t know what came next, how could he possibly leave?
Thoughts of his stray kids and his family raced through his mind as moment fragments, mental images of everything he held dear to him haunting his already compromised emotional system.
Chan clenched his hand into a fist and pounded the door as an attempt to channel his energy into one motion. He was so far gone that he didn’t even worry whether it had alerted the others or not. They were probably all asleep by now anyway. It was already four am by the time he got home from the studio.
Chan turned to lean his back against the door. He slid down, collapsing into a fragile heap against the wooden surface. His breathing still uneven yet slowing to a less terrifying pace. Air finally reached his deprived lungs which his exhausted mind was grateful for.
His tears never stopped though.
It was cathartic to let them all out after months of being taunted by the knowledge that he was going to die. Tears could never help him though, no matter how relieving they felt in this moment, it was always going to happen this way.
Chan sobbed as he clung his knees to his chest then grabbed his phone from his pocket when he was done. He messaged the group chat.
Chan:
Stray Kids world domination. I couldn’t do it without y’all.
Minho was the only one to reply to him.
Minho :
Ew Hyung. Stop being sappy and go the fuck to sleep.
He should sleep. Things would be easier if he could just sleep. He could pretend he wasn’t stuck in here alone, he could pretend that one or all of them were going to be with him in his final moments.
The sound of Felix’s shouts at a computer game in the living room cut through Chan’s thoughts. He was relieved that Felix wasn’t aware but knowing that he was still out there only made this so much worse.
Felix’s presence was enough to calm him and give him a clearer mind. He realized that there was still so much to do and yet so little time to do it in. He was all alone in this and there was a reason for that; He had to protect them.
Chan stood and took a few deep breaths, momentarily dragon breathing in order to even out his breathing patterns. Once it steadied, he dragged himself away from the door, running a hand through his tangled curly hair, then went over to his desk where he opened his laptop.
His first instinct was to play music, the only thing that ever really brought him comfort whenever he felt down or alone or simply couldn’t sleep. He knew the others wouldn’t find it odd if he started playing music aloud at this godforsaken hour.
The only question was; what song could possibly fill the void.
He settled for one of his playlists perfectly curated for his moments of depression; his breakdown playlist if you will.
He opened a document on word then stared at the blank page unsure of where to start. He could start with an explanation or he could just tell them something as insignificant as his laptop password so that Changbin and Jisung could still release everything they had been working on for so many years.
It almost didn’t seem worth it to leave a note, perhaps a video instead, he just knew he had to do something.
He found the perfect place after typing a bunch of nonsense for half an hour. There really wasn’t much time left and here he was wasting it with unimportant shit instead of saying what really mattered to him. He decided a video would be a more effective method of communicating with everyone.
Chan wiped away his tears and fixed his hair, making himself look as presentable as he could get. He took a deep breath before pressing the record button. The sound of ‘Wake Me Up by Avicii’ played softly in the background as the recording started. Sadness hidden deep behind his eyes as Chan smiled brightly, dimples on display, for the camera.
“Welcome to my final Channie’s room.”