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Satoru sits on the ground in Suguru’s room, right in front of the bed, with Suguru stretched out behind him, a book in his hand despite the TV that’s running. Satoru knows that Suguru is not paying attention to the show at all, but he doesn’t mind.
It just gives him more opportunity to retell everything later.
Currently, there’s a big love confession happening on screen, dramatic music, tears and all and Satoru is mildly befuddled.
He understands what’s happening, has seen it build up and unfurl now over several episodes but he doesn’t get it.
Satoru has never felt the kind of love that depicted in the show and he wonders if it’s a normal thing, or if he’s lacking in some way.
His eyes stray over to Suguru and he feels warm all over when he spots him deeply engrossed in his book, tongue peeking out a little bit behind his lips as his eyes roam over the page. According to the show—and every book and article Satoru has consumed on the matter—his heart should be beating heavily in his chest and he should be overcome with longing.
But all he feels is right, as if his place was ever meant to be right here, on the ground in Suguru’s room, and Satoru doesn’t know if that’s enough.
And he certainly doesn’t know if Suguru feels anything besides friendship towards him either, which is actually the scarier part of all of this.
Satoru knows he wants to spend every minute of his life together with Suguru, no matter in what capacity, but he has no clue if Suguru feels the same or if things are different for him.
“You’ve been staring at me for at least three minutes now,” Suguru suddenly says, lowering his book and his eyes finding Satoru’s. “What’s up?”
“What is love to you?” Satoru blurts out and he can tell that he caught Suguru off guard with his question, because his brow furrows.
“Where is this coming from?” Suguru wants to know and Satoru hopes he doesn’t blush, hopes that Suguru can’t read the thoughts right off his face.
He points at the TV, unsure if they are even still in the same scene. They must be, because Suguru’s eyes widen in understanding.
“I see,” he whispers and closes his book, sitting up and giving Satoru his whole attention.
It’s a heady feeling and Satoru isn’t sure he’ll ever get enough of it. He wishes Suguru would only ever look at him, and that must be love, too, right?
“What do you want to know?” Suguru asks and Satoru shrugs.
“I just—I don’t think I get it,” Satoru admits and doesn’t dare to look at Suguru. “I want to know what you think love is. What is it to you?”
“Mh,” Suguru hums in thought, clearly thinking his answer over. “It’s warm, soft and comfortable. It’s sharing a meal and laughing together. It’s to know and to be known, having your secrets and weaknesses revealed and yet trusting that they will never be used against you. It’s being together without doing anything. It’s understanding each other without ever having to speak. It’s knowing each other in a way you previously only ever knew yourself and it’s being more comfortable with that person around than alone. It’s being honest, even about the hard stuff, about the painful stuff and knowing that you’ll be understood, no matter what.”
Suguru’s voice is soft and his words bring tears to Satoru’s eyes and he doesn’t even know why.
“I see,” he whispers when Suguru falls silent and he tries not to think too much about the hollow feeling in his chest.
“Does that answer your question?” Suguru wants to know and Satoru nods.
“Yeah,” he gives back and hopes Suguru drops the topic now, not even knowing why he’s suddenly so uncomfortable.
“You good?” Suguru prods his head and Satoru slaps his hand away, glaring up at him.
“I told you not to do that,” he snaps and Suguru huffs out a laugh.
“And yet your head is always in prodding distance,” he easily gives back and leans back against the headrest, picking up his book again. “Now, if you don’t have any other questions, I’d like to go back to my reading.”
“Sure,” Satoru whispers, tugging his legs up and crossing his arms over his knees. “Have fun,” he adds, though Suguru is no longer listening and Satoru is not sure he even heard him over the TV.
The episode is still going, but Satoru can no longer pay attention. It feels as if Suguru’s words have burned themselves into Satoru’s brain and he doesn’t understand why they make his heart hurt so much.
He buries his face in his arms with a sigh and repeats Suguru’s words again and again and again, hoping to figure out just what is so bothersome about them.
It isn’t until the TV show changed to a movie and then another, until Suguru is fast asleep behind him, book sliding off his chest where it dropped after Suguru nodded off that Satoru realises it.
What Suguru described is nothing like what Satoru and he have.
And that thought hurts more than Satoru was prepared for.
~*~*~
It’s been a week since he stupidly asked Suguru about his idea of love and Satoru can’t stop thinking about it. By now he’s reasonably sure that he is in love with Suguru and he realises that he wants exactly what Suguru described, but only with him.
He only wants all those things with Suguru and the fact that he can’t have that because they are nothing like that is eating away at him bit by bit.
It’s bad enough that Satoru tries to change; himself and how he acts with Suguru. Maybe if he’s more attentive, less talkative and a bit softer with him Suguru will eventually fall in love with him.
“Here,” he says over dinner, and shoves half of his food at Suguru, because he’s supposed to share his meal with him. That’s something Suguru specifically mentioned so Satoru will do it.
He did not expect Suguru to slowly lower his chopsticks and gives Satoru a concerned look.
“Are you alright?” Suguru asks, not taking the offered food and Satoru squirms in his seat.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he gives back and startles when Suguru’s hand comes up to press against his forehead.
“You don’t feel as if you have a fever,” Suguru mutters and then, louder: “Do you feel sick at all? Stomach ache? Sniffles?”
“What—no, Suguru, I feel fine,” Satoru protests but still, Suguru continues to look at him with that same concerned look.
“Are you sure? You never share your food, you always gobble it up without a chance to even taste it and then you steal mine. So if you offer to give me your food then something must be wrong. What is it?”
“It’s nothing,” Satoru grumbles, and takes his food back. “Never mind, I was just trying to be nice,” he says under his breath and Suguru chuckles.
“Makes it even more suspicious,” he shoots back but he also nudges Satoru’s foot with his, making his words sting less. “You’d tell me if something was up though, right?” Suguru still asks and Satoru can hear the real worry in his voice so he hangs his head.
“Yeah, of course I would,” he says, even though it’s a big, fat lie.
Something is up, and he’s not telling Suguru about it.
He supposes he’ll have to live with that kind of guilt for now, he thinks when Suguru gives him a bright smile.
~*~*~
Satoru knows he’s loud and annoying and too much for most people to take. It would make sense, he thinks, if everyone thinks the same of love as Suguru does, because he mentioned that understanding each other without having to talk is part of it.
But that requires actually being quiet some of the time and that is most definitely not something Satoru has been able to do.
Until now.
Right now, he’s trying his best not to blurt out every inane comment that comes to his mind and he realises that he talks a lot of shit on any given day. It’s a wonder Suguru managed to endure it for so long, really, and Satoru almost feels bad about it.
He definitely feels bad enough that hardly a word passes his lips and it takes Suguru all of five minutes to stop in the middle of the sidewalk.
“What’s wrong?” Suguru asks once Satoru noticed that he’s leaving Suguru behind and he turns around with a frown.
“Huh?”
“You’re quiet. Scarily so. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Satoru grumbles out because he’s really tired of having Suguru think that something is wrong with him just because he’s a bit more considerate.
“You haven’t said a single word since we left school. Not a single word, Satoru. It makes me think the world is about to end.”
“Maybe I just don’t have anything to say,” Satoru shoots back, feeling kind of hurt that Suguru doesn’t seem to be pleased by the silence.
“Impossible. You always have stuff to say, even if it’s stupid or inane comments.”
“Ever thought that I’ve grown up and am above these things now?” Satoru huffs out.
“Not really, because that’s so not going to happen. You’ll be ninety and still talk my ear off about the stupidest shit, that’s simply not going to change.”
It makes Satoru feel warm, hearing that Suguru thinks they’ll still be together like this years from now, but it also makes him sad.
Suguru doesn’t want to be comfortable and silent with him and can’t seem to imagine them doing that even years down the line.
“I just don’t feel like talking,” Satoru finally mutters when Suguru continues to look at him and that seems to worry him more than anything else.
“Has something happened? Did I do something?” Suguru wants to know and Satoru is quick to shake his head.
After all, it’s not Suguru’s fault.
“It’s fine, I just—I just don’t feel like talking,” he repeats and Suguru steps up to him, gently bumps their shoulders together.
“Okay,” Suguru softly says. “If that changes, I’m here,” he offers and Satoru nods.
He doubts he’s ever going to tell Suguru what’s really going on, but he appreciates the offer nonetheless.
~*~*~
They are back in Suguru’s room—Satoru in front of the bed on the ground again, Suguru stretched out on the mattress—when Suguru brings it up again.
“Satoru, something is wrong with you lately. Something is bothering you,” he says and reaches out to card his hand through Satoru’s hair. “Won’t you tell me what’s going on with you?”
Satoru doesn’t want to do that, doesn’t want to do that at all, but Suguru said that being honest and not fearing the consequences is how he sees love, too.
Suguru might not love him like that but Satoru trusts that he likes him enough to not hold this against him, should he tell him what’s really going on.
Still, he has to make sure, first.
“You’re not going to be mad, okay?” Satoru says and turns his head just enough to look at him.
“Okay,” Suguru agrees after a moment and Satoru nods, though he does hesitate briefly before speaking.
No matter what Suguru promises him, this is scary.
And it also matters more than Satoru wants to admit.
“Will I ever be able to make you love me?” he asks and draws up his knees, resting his chin on them. “Is there a way for me?”
Suguru’s hand still in his hair.
“What?” he breathes out and he sounds painfully surprised more than mad, which is a good thing, Satoru guesses.
He was scared Suguru would yell at him.
“We talked about what love is to you, remember? And I’m just wondering—I know I’m nothing like what you said, that we are nothing like what you described but—could I? Change that?” he wants to know and he wasn’t prepared for the way his heart tries to beat right out of his chest in anticipation.
“Satoru, don’t be stupid,” Suguru chides him and Satoru flinches with the pain that laces through his heart at hearing those words.
So that’s Suguru’s answer then.
“I see,” Satoru mutters, before Suguru can even go on and he’s rewarded by a sharp tug on his hair.
“I was talking about us when I said all of that,” Suguru says and Satoru’s head flies around to him.
“We are not like that,” he reiterates and Suguru smiles slightly at him.
“Aren’t we?” he asks and then moves his hand to tug on Satoru’s shoulder. “Come up here, please,” he says and Satoru scrambles off the ground to carefully sit down on the edge of the bed, unsure what exactly Suguru wants from him.
But Suguru tugs him down, guides him until Satoru is stretched out next to him, their sides plastered together and Satoru’s head on his chest.
It’s a good place to be in, Satoru decides, even if he’s still so very confused.
“Suguru,” he says when Suguru stays silent for too long and Suguru huffs out a laugh.
“I’m trying to remember what exactly it is that I said,” he admits and Satoru has replayed that over and over in his mind, so it’s not hard for him to repeat Suguru’s words.
“Love to you is warm, soft and comfortable. Sharing meals, laughing together. To know and to be known, to entrust your secrets and weaknesses to someone else. Spending time together without doing anything, understanding each other without speaking. It’s knowing someone better than you know yourself, it’s being more comfortable together than alone and it’s being honest and being understood,” he sums up and he feels Suguru laugh under him.
“You really memorised that?”
“It’s—important to me,” Satoru admits.
“Why? You said you don’t understand love. Did that help?”
“Not in the way you probably think,” Satoru admits. “It only made me realise that I wanted all of what you said. I want you to have that with me. I still don’t understand how that is love to you when my idea is so different, but no matter what, I want you to love me like that.”
“What is your idea of love then?” Suguru wants to know and Satoru sighs.
“You.”
“That’s it. Just me?”
“That’s it,” Satoru agrees. “To me, love is you. And I want your idea of love to be me, too, but—I don’t know how to make myself any of what you described. I don’t like sharing my food and I’m not quiet and we never spend time together without doing anything and—”
“Don’t we?” Suguru interrupts him and starts to card his fingers through Satoru’s hair again.
Satoru wants to melt against Suguru.
“I don’t understand,” Satoru admits and Suguru cranes his head up to press a kiss to the top of his head.
“Satoru, everything I described is you. We share our every meal together, we laugh together. I know you better than I know myself, weakness and secrets included, and the same goes the other way around. We trust each other. We don’t have to talk to understand each other, and we spend time together without doing anything all the time.”
“I don’t get it,” Satoru stresses again. “I’m so loud.”
“Maybe. But never for the important stuff. You yap and you joke and you get on my nerves but for the serious stuff, we don’t have to talk. We get it. We get each other. You knew something was wrong with me after Amenai died, just like I knew something was bothering you recently.”
“But we always do stuff when we’re together!”
“Do we? No one would typically call me reading and you watching your show ‘doing stuff together’. We share our company but we don’t do things together, not unless we go out to specifically do that. And before you start, I’d rather read with you in the room than without you, because it’s more comfortable if you’re here.”
“But I interrupt you all the time,” Satoru says and he doesn’t even know why he’s arguing this.
“And I would rather have that than read my book unbothered,” Suguru shoots back. “Seriously, Satoru, when I described what love is to me, I described how I see our relationship. Everything I said is only true because it’s you.”
“So—your idea of love is me,” he dares to say and holds his breath for Suguru’s answer.
“It is,” Suguru admits and moves his other hand to thread their fingers together. “Just like your idea of love is me.”
“You love me,” Satoru whispers and Suguru smiles.
“And you love me,” he gives back and when Satoru props his chin up on Suguru’s chest he seems happy. Just as happy as Satoru feels.
“I do,” he agrees. “I do love you.”
“I love you,” Suguru replies and bends his head to kiss Satoru’s forehead. “I seriously was getting worried these last few weeks. You had me think I did something wrong.”
“Well, you did,” Satoru huffs out. “You made me believe that I wasn’t your idea of love.”
“Must have been a few hard weeks for you,” Suguru teases him with a smile and Satoru pouts at him until Suguru brings their lips together.
“The worst,” Satoru then agrees and demands another kiss. “You gotta make up for it.”
“I’m trying to but you just won’t shut up,” Suguru laughs out and softens his words with a kiss or three.
If this is how it goes, Satoru thinks he might be able to be more quiet in the future. But only for Suguru.