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Logan is studying his notes, trying to tune out Kendall and Carlos talking on the other side of the table when James finally shows up and sits down next to him. Logan glances up briefly and James shoots him a quick smile before turning his attention to the others. Logan smiles back and ducks his head, trying to refocus on his notes and ignore the warmth that spreads in his chest at the simple gesture.
Lately, he’d been feeling strange around James, too aware of him when he was around, too aware of him when he was absent, always wanting him close even when he was being annoying and distracting. It didn’t help that James was always touching him, pushing into his personal space like it was no big deal; grabbing Logan by the shoulders to move him where he wanted him; throwing an arm around him after practice when they were both sweaty, faces flushed with exertion and chests still heaving from rushing across the ice. He didn’t like to think about it too much, afraid of what it might mean so he ignored it, ignored the way his stomach flipped when James smile at him and pressed into his personal space but never pressed back like he wanted.
He’s distracted from his thoughts when James rests his arm on the table next to Logan’s. Logan’s eyes flicks to their arms, separated only by a few inches and he’s surprised by the sudden need to touch James, to know what his skin feels like pressed against his own. But he doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything but sit there as casually as he can, fingers twitching against the table top.
He slowly closes his hand into a fist and furrows his brows in concentration, once again trying to focus on his notes. He has a test in his final period of the day and even though he studied the night before and is confident that he’ll make a passing grade if not perfect score, it doesn’t hurt to review them one more time, right?
Suddenly James shifts in his seat, closing the distance between their arms slightly, just enough for Logan to be able to feel the heat of James’ skin against his own, for the hairs on Logan’s arm to stand on end with anticipation. Logan’s concentration is shattered once more, heart thudding in his chest. He swallows softly, eyes fixated on the sliver of air between their two arms. If he moves just so, they’d be touching.
He brings one hand up to cover his mouth, trying to hide the flush he can feel spreading across his body and without looking up from his notes, he casually moves his arm until it’s finally pressed against James’ from elbow to wrist. James’ skin is warm and soft against his and he twists his arm subtly so their skin rubs together and feels a flush spread across his body.
His heart is thundering in his ears and it takes all of his self-control to keep his breathing steady as he waits. Waits for Carlos or Kendall to say something. Waits for James to move his arm away. But nothing happens. They keep talking, about the hockey game that weekend and James doesn’t move away. In fact, he does the complete opposite and presses his arm more firmly against Logan’s, subtly moving his wrist until the back of his hand touches Logan’s knuckles.
Logan licks his suddenly dry lips and gently rubs his knuckles against the back of James’ hand as subtly as he can in return. He doesn’t look up, afraid of what he’ll see in James’ face. His heart is pounding in his chest almost painfully just waiting for Kendall or Carlos to notice what’s going on right in front of them. But they don’t, too caught up in their conversation to notice anything else.
He bites his bottom lip, eyes transfixed on their hands, barely touching. He wants to open his hand and wrap it around James’, wants to feel James’ fingers between his own, palms pressed together. He clenches his fist tighter to keep from doing just that. And he can’t help but wonder if James would let him. Would he open his hand and accept Logan’s? Or would he pull away. Was this all just in Logan’s head and James was just too caught up in whatever Kendall and Carlos are talking about to notice Logan’s touch?
Confusion, fear and desire swirl around in his stomach until he feels like he’s going to be sick. He got what he wanted but now he wants more and he doesn’t know what to do with that. It’s too much and he’s suddenly moving his arm away completely, closing his notebook and standing before he knows it. “I’m heading to the library to finish studying. It’s too loud here,” he says interrupting their conversation.
They all look up at him in surprise. “Oh, okay,” Kendall says, “Sorry if we were being too distracting.”
Logan shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.”
He tries not to but he can’t help but glance at James, sees the confusion matching his own in James’ eyes and averts his gaze quickly. “I’ll see you guys after school,” he says, grabs his notebook and leaves the lunchroom as fast as he can.
His skin tingles where it touched James’ and he rubs at it vigorously on the way to the library, trying to erase the sensation of James’ skin against his own. He tries to forget the confused look he’d seen on James’ face. It didn’t mean anything, he tells himself. Not what he wants it to mean anyway.
And what exactly does he want it to mean? He can’t even want to put it into words, too afraid and confused to put a label on it. It’s scary enough as just a jumble of emotions and desires, broken images of touching soft warm skin and a smile too bright. He isn’t ready for what he thinks he might want. Not now and maybe not ever.