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“Do you wanna be friends?”
Shelby blinked at the brunette standing on the other side of the table. The cafeteria was loud, but her end of the table was hidden between two half-columns jutting out of the wall, and her back was towards the corner, so she wasn’t quite sure how the other girl had seen her.
Another girl, blonde, peeked at Shelby from behind the brunette’s back. Her glasses were smudged, and she waved shyly. Shelby waved back, still staring with confusion at the other girl.
“I’m Amanda, but you can call me Mandy,” the brunette, Mandy, kept talking in the silence. “This is Emma. You’re the new girl from our class this morning. Shelly, right?”
“Shelby,” she corrected Mandy. “It is my first day, yes.”
“Shelby, not Shelly.” Mandy nodded as she repeated her name, seemingly nonplussed by the heavy accent on the rest of Shelby’s words. “Got it. So?"
“So what?”
“Do you wanna be friends?”
“Why?” The question left Shelby’s mouth without first letting Shelby think about it, but she was curious. There were so many other people here, people who have been in Edgewater longer than a week, who actually knew how to talk without slipping into another language.
Mandy shrugged. “You’re new, and kinda quiet. It’s probably hard to make friends like that -- Emma’s quiet, too, and she’s one of my best friends. Plus, I think you look cool.”
Shelby looked again at this girl standing across from her, who barely knew her name, who pulled another girl across the busy cafeteria for no other reason than to meet the new girl.
Huh.
“Sure.”
***
Shelby looked up from her book at the knock on her door to see her Papí’s face poking around the corner. “Ay, corazón, it’s nearly ten. Finish your chapter, then it’s bedtime.”
“Sí, Papí,” Shelby replied, smiling and reaching for her bookmark. She’d hit a good stopping point, anyways. “Te quiero. Sleep well.”
“Y también, mi vida. Sleep well, yourself.” With a return smile, her Papí left, closing the door quietly behind him.
Everything was done quietly in the house recently, with Mamí tired all the time from the stuff her doctors give her. It’s all supposed to help, but…
Her phone, a gift for beginning middle school and basically nothing but a device that can call and text people, lit up on the bed next to her and pulled her from her thoughts. A new smile, unburdened from the worries of home, tugged at her lips as she reached for it. Only one person would be texting her right now.
Kaylee You awake?
Kaylee -- not Mandy, Mandy was a kid’s name, and since she entered middle school she wasn’t a kid, according to her -- had yet to grow out of her bluntness, a fact that Shelby always rolled her eyes at and gave an affectionate smile to, while Emma rushed to soothe whatever ego Kaylee accidentally stepped on. However, she’d taken to texting around this time every so often, and while Kaylee was good at sidestepping questions, Shelby was nothing if not observant of patterns.
So, she replied.
Shelby for you? always.
She then sent a gif of a spinning otter, which never failed to make Kaylee smile. It worked, too, because Kaylee texted back quickly, and they fell into a conversation about everything and nothing while Shelby got ready for bed.
Eventually, though, Shelby’s eyes grew too heavy to stay open, so she bade Kaylee goodnight and rolled onto her stomach, dreams filled with joyful brown eyes and laughter she caused.
***
Shelby had a problem.
Things were fine, to be clear. Everything was… fine. Alyssa was fine, Emma was fine, Papí was fine. Kaylee was… Kaylee was fine.
No, the problem was with herself. Even when everything was okay, something within Shelby felt… off. Shaky, especially when they matched an emerging pattern, like…
“I just don’t understand why Justin Bieber was such a big deal,” Emma said, pulling Shelby from her thoughts.
Kaylee gasped from next to Shelby, leaning away from the blonde in joking offense. “You did not just say that to me, Emma Nolan.”
Emma looked up from her spot on the floor. “He’s just a guy who sung a popular song that isn’t even that good musically. What about that makes him so easy to obsess over?"
“Shelby’s my best friend now,” Kaylee said, punctuating her statement by leaning further into Shelby. She just moved her arm so it wouldn’t get stuck between the brunette and the couch, very used to the two’s banter by now.
Emma pouted at the movement. “I thought I was your best friend?"
“Nope,” Kaylee said, popping her lips on the “p.” “My best friends are now Shelby, then Alyssa, and then maybe you.”
“No fair,” Emma said. “What’s Shelby got that I don’t?”
“The ability to hide my Justin Bieber opinions,” Shelby said.
“And that’s why you’re my best friend,” Kaylee said, leaning her head on Shelby’s shoulder. She moved quickly, though, because the doorbell rang, signalling that Alyssa’s mom was finally here to drop her off.
… Like that. Shelby smiled at Emma, hoping it came off as triumphant, but internally her stomach twisted. Being one of Kaylee’s best friends meant everything to her, and yet…
She wanted to be more, but she wasn’t sure how she could have more than she already had with Kaylee. They were already best friends, even without joking about outranking Emma; what was there to move to after being her best friend?
Sometimes, while trying and failing to answer that train of thought for hours, the words “best friends” blur into meaningless noise that don’t do anything but make her throat tight and her stomach sink into ickiness and bluh.
How was it that Shelby knew two languages but couldn’t explain what she was feeling in either of them?
“Alyssa!” Emma said. Shelby turned her head to the doorway, where Kaylee was leading a sheepish Alyssa into the room. “We’ve been here forever; what took so long?”
"Sorry,” Alyssa said. “Mom wanted to have dinner with me first, and then she had to call everyone’s parents again… How she usually is.”
Kaylee obviously didn’t quite understand what Alyssa meant, to which Shelby rolled her eyes. While everyone in the room was friends with each other, there were certain people who were closer. Emma and Kaylee, of course, were attached at the hip, and Alyssa and herself were similarly close. Then there were Shelby and Kaylee, which needed no explanation, but Emma and Alyssa’s level of closeness wasn’t something that Shelby knew much about.
But regardless of closeness, the four should have been friends enough to have a sleepover at Kaylee’s house without that level of scrutiny from Mrs. Greene.
Whatever. Alyssa was here now, so they could finally actually get the sleepover started. Kaylee re-claimed her spot next to Shelby, though slightly further away, and she totally didn’t miss her warmth. Not at all.
To distract herself, she let her attention drift away from the brunette next to her. Alyssa had set her stuff down in the corner with everyone else’s stuff, and was now settling into a bean bag by the couch. She was deep into a conversation with Kaylee, one that didn’t really matter. At some point, while Kaylee was talking, Alyssa looked across to Emma and waved. Following her gaze, Shelby watched as Emma waved back with an expression on her face that…
Shelby looked down at her hands.
Based on the sound around her, the others hadn’t noticed the look on Emma’s face. Shelby didn’t want to know what it meant.
But when Shelby once saw herself in the mirror, looking at Kaylee, she was making that face.
Alyssa never made that face at Kaylee.
Shelby had a problem. A problem that Emma seemed to share.
***
“Where’s Emma?” Shelby closed the door, toeing her shoes off before following her friend into the house. “I know ‘Lys’s mom was being weird again…”
“Dunno,” Kaylee shrugged. “She just texted me that she couldn’t make it. Looks like it’s just us.”
“Cool,” Shelby replied, feeling anything but. Since Alyssa had been unable to come to the sleepover, Shelby had silently been banking on Emma’s presence to give herself space between her and Kaylee, since every time they so much as sat in the same room Shelby wasn’t able to think, to breathe, to… “What’s the plan, then?”
Kaylee shrugged again, heading up the stairs to her room. Shelby followed as she replied, “Not sure. Movie night?”
Shelby hummed. “How about a binge sesh? You keep mentioning that one show at lunch…”
“Oh yeah!” Kaylee spun around at the top of the stairs, a grin splitting her face as she faced Shelby. “I can totally introduce you to that, it’s on Netflix.”
“Perfect,” Shelby said, smiling back. “Lead the way, then.”
Kaylee did so, with a dramatic flair that only comes from escorting someone who could make it to their destination blindfolded. Shelby played along with a smirk and a roll of her eyes, because it was easier to play along than to focus on the funny flips her stomach wanted to make at the sight of Kaylee’s smile.
As they settled into Kaylee’s room for the night, Shelby followed her lead. She sat where she was asked to, and didn’t close the gap between them until Kaylee did, putting her head on Shelby’s shoulder and pressing their arms together.
Shelby didn’t start anything, because if she started it, she wasn’t sure if it would be… allowed. She couldn’t trust her brain as much as she normally could when she was around Kaylee. Without noticing, her instincts had become… skewed.
So, Shelby had set herself lines. No initiating, no new things, unless Kaylee did it first. No telling Kaylee about any of this. Not if she wanted to stay her friend.
Because Shelby had her as a friend, and that was the only way she’d get to have her, so these lines wouldn’t be crossed, ever.
***
The lines blurred. Grabbing her hand to get her attention became holding hands. Sharing the only spare blanket became always sitting under the same one, fingers intertwined under the cover of being cold.
Never telling Kaylee turned into an idle thought about, just maybe, texting her about it under the cover of night.
She should stop it. She should stop this.
***
Shelby couldn’t sleep. She’d already cycled through all of her just fall asleep poses and had ended up on her back, staring at the ceiling where she and Kaylee had stuck glow-in-the-dark stars years ago.
Kaylee. Lately, Shelby hadn’t been able to get her off her mind. When her thoughts weren’t swirling around the dark pit that was the upcoming funeral for Mamí, they circled around her best friend and everything Shelby was trying not to think about.
There shouldn’t be room in her right now to be falling in love with her best friend. But here she was, nearly hollow except for her brain which wouldn’t shut up about something so totally inappropriate… but it was a nice distraction.
Shelby glanced at her phone, screen dark. A tap, a swipe, a text… She could ask if Kaylee was awake with a few letters. But the girl had been stressed about an exam, and also had sat on the dirty floor of the bathroom during lunch while Shelby cried that day, and hadn’t slept well the night before because Shelby had needed someone…
So no. Shelby won’t text her.
Just as she made her mind up, however, her phone lit up, vibration burrowing deep into her mattress as she reached for it. She already knew who it would be; the only person who would break the silence between them, who would know that she needed someone right now, who would sacrifice her beauty sleep again in a heartbeat.
They texted. Shelby wasn’t bad enough that night to need a phone call, and texting gave her a filter. It kept the world from ending. It kept her from blurting out her tired, lovesick thoughts, like how pretty she thought Kaylee looked today.
But no. They were friends.
***
“No Emma again?”
Kaylee laughed hollowly, shaking her head. “Don’t even try that.” Still, despite her stiffness, she let Shelby sit down next to her on the couch, let Shelby drape her arm over her shoulders, let Shelby lean her bodily into her, until Shelby was supporting her weight. Through her weird mood, Kaylee moved an arm to lay over Shelby’s waist, hand resting on her hip. Kaylee continued, almost a whisper into Shelby’s shoulder. “Not tonight.”
Shelby frowned. She knew Emma was a touchy subject, especially after half the town saw her grandfather’s pickup truck full of her things heading away from her house. Or, maybe her old house now?
Still, Kaylee wasn’t usually this… tense.
“Okay, she’s probably busy upgrading her room at her grandparents’ place,” Shelby started, fingers shifting to card through Kaylee’s hair. “But that’s no reason to--”
“She’s gay.”
Shelby blinked, growing still. She knew, vaguely, that she and Emma had some… tendencies, in common. The tone that Kaylee used when talking, though… just made her very, very glad that Kaylee couldn’t see her face. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Kaylee laughed. She almost sounded hysterical. “Emma Nolan is gay, and I let her sleep in my house! My room! My bed, Shelby! Oh my God, how could I have let her do that to me? Who knows what kind of stuff she was thinking about…”
… Oh.
Oh, no.
Kaylee kept talking. She hadn’t been looking for reactions, just someone to hear her. Sometimes she needed to ramble, and was happy to do so while the other person. That was something Shelby loved about Kaylee.
That was not something she could ever express to Kaylee. Not if she wanted to keep her friend as anything.
She had to find a line. A way to stay on a side, to keep herself safe.
But with Kaylee leaned into her, with her arm still wrapped around her waist…
Shelby can stay on her side of a line, but Kaylee would cross it even if she knew where it was.
***
Shelby quickly learned a few rules for herself.
One: only do the minimum physical contact, and only when Kaylee initiated.
Two: never begin anything about Emma, but agree with everyone else.
Three: crying about everything has to wait until sundown.
And so, Shelby kept her best friend. She tread lightly, trying not to break her boundaries. She remembered when her first attempt at rule-setting slid away into oblivion; she couldn’t afford to have that happen again, so she kept an iron grip on her rules.
It couldn’t be like before. Simple as that.
But everything was different. Kaylee was louder, Alyssa was quieter, and Emma was… gone. Ostracized, speedwalking between classes and disappearing during lunch. Kaylee kept trying to pretend that everything was okay, like things were still how the way they were. She hosted sleepovers. She cuddled. She said so many… things…
But Shelby wouldn’t flirt back.
No, she’d keep to her rules, staring at her ceiling as tears fell into her hair, biting her tongue as her phone lit up next to her.
She didn’t let herself look at the screen, already knowing what it would say.
Kaylee Hey, are you awake?