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"Sir, I hate to ask but how would you like me to classify this for the report?"
"Agent Coulson, if you think I am letting this go in any report, of any kind, you have another motherfucking think coming."
"No, I see your point, but given the proliferation of youtube videos already being uploaded all around, I don't think keeping it under wraps can possibly work. I'm sure Stark already has a couple hundred."
"You tell Stark he will not be sharing any such thing with anyone and will be squelching anyone else's, and--all right, who gave Hulk a comb? Hulk, man, I don't know if you noticed, but I ain't got any hair. Stop combing me. Ow, hey, okay, all right, just, can ya comb less skull-crushingly?"
"Sir, I think he's just trying to show--"
"Affection. I know. I got that. You ever been on the receiving end of this kind of gentle?"
"Not unless you count Loki's spear, sir."
"I do not. Now, what the fuck happened, and why do I have hearts-in-his-goddamn-eyes Hulk grooming my ass?"
"As I understand the situation, sir--"
"Were you here, or not?"
"I was, but I was distracted. I believe someone gave Hulk a beer."
"Seriously? Are you fucking serious right now? Hey, again ow big guy. No, I'd rather keep my clothes on. Really."
"I think he's just trying to--"
"Undress me? Yeah, I came to that conclusion on my goddamn own. Hey. That coat is custom, damn it."
"Here, sir, catch. Sorry about the color."
"Coulson, until such time as Hulk ceases to treat me as his own personal Barbie doll, I assure you the color of the cheerful pink blanket protecting my very, very battered dignity is not even on the list of my concerns. How much beer did he drink, anyway?"
"The whole keg, sir. It was only a few swallows."
"We got any idea how long he'll be drunk?"
"Stark says he doesn't have enough data."
"Ask him. to fucking. guess. I gotta know if I'm looking at hours or days here."
"I'll see what I can do."
"And get someone down here with a tent or something. If I gotta be Hulk's chew-toy, keeping this shit off youtube just became your first priority.
"Yes, sir."
"Uh, ...Director? Mr. Fury? ...Nick? I feel like maybe we should be on a first name basis, given the situation."
"Banner, if you are waking me up after everything else, I am going to be most seriously displeased."
"Yeah, sorry. So, why I'm naked, I know. Why are you naked? With me. In a tent."
"Your other half is a distressingly affectionate drunk."
"..What? Wait, what? Sir, are you-- Did I--"
"I'm fine. Naked, and you owe me a coat that wasn't fucking cheap, but right now it's... two seventeen in the goddamn morning, so if you don't mind, my pretty pink blanket and I are rolling over and going back to sleep. Now catch some shut-eye before a new day dawns and with it, as ever, another crisis."
"Uh. Okay. ...Do you happen to have another blanket?"
"No."
"Okay."
"...Oh, for fuck's sake. Your buddy already cuddled the shit out of me, so why not? Get in here and stop shivering. And watch the head; Hulk has some unsupportable ideas about the amount of combing I require."
"Seriously? Where--never mind."
"You'll make it up to me. I promise. Now shut up, and go the fuck to sleep."