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Julian didn’t come to school again.
It usually takes a couple of hours for Yadriel to realize whenever his boyfriend skips class. He’s trying to attend more lately, if only because he wants to be around Yadriel as much as possible. But school is not and will never be how Julian Diaz chooses to spend his free time.
Whenever he shows up, he makes it a point of hunting down Yadriel and attaching to his side whenever both have a second of spare time (and oftentimes even they don’t). It’s as endearing as it’s annoying.
It’s not like him not showing up makes a difference at this point. He won’t graduate by the end of the year. He’s missed too many classes and has too few credits. Julian will drop out of high school when Yadriel graduates, he’s already told him. There’s a bright future waiting for his boyfriend already, and it has nothing to do with school. He’s been taking more and more shifts at the mechanic shop and he’s good at it. Like, really good.
It’s freeing seeing him work on the cars, grease smeared across his dimpled cheeks and a bright smile on his lips.
“It’s like a puzzle, Yads!” He had tried to explain once.
Yadriel, whose knowledge of cars begins and ends with their color, had only smiled, and pretended to understand Julian’s highly technical ramblings.
Julian won’t finish high school and that’s okay. He’ll probably work in his dad’s shop with Rio and Carlos, and he’ll be okay.
But today is different.
It’s around lunch time and no sign of Julian, which usually is enough to let Yadriel know his boyfriend has chosen to skip again. That’s not the weird part though. No. There’s something else happening, something festering inside Yadriel’s chest. A worry squirming deep inside his lungs.
It’s enough that instead of just texting his boyfriend, Yadriel chooses to skip his last class and head directly to Julian’s house. Just in case. Just in case something happened.
Rio is busy talking to a client when he spots Yadriel, and he just nods and points with his chin for Yadriel to go up. Yadriel shoots him a smile and runs up to their apartment. After all of these years, he knows where Rio keeps the spare key.
He takes off his shoes and rushes to Julian’s room, worry gnawing at his chest. It’s nothing. Julian is probably just tired today and didn’t feel like spending such a beautiful sunny day stuck inside a stuffy classroom. It’s nothing, and Yadriel will knock on his door and be greeted with a warm smile and cheerful reassurances.
It’s nothing.
His heart still hammers in his chest.
“Jules?” Yadriel cracks the door open, peeking over at the bedroom.
Julian is laying on his bed, cocooned under a pile of blankets and tissues. His face is red and he’s breathing deeply, fast asleep. All at once Yadriel knows his worries were not for nothing.
Julian is sick.
“Jules,” Yadriel repeats, worried.
He rushes to his boyfriend’s side, dumping his backpack on the floor and sitting on the bed. Julian stirs but doesn’t wake up.
Yadriel presses a hand to his forehead, trying to get a feel for how bad of a fever he has. The skin is clammy and warm under his palm, but not above the normal, Yadriel supposes. His mom was always better than him at these things.
He looks around at the mess of a room. The windows are closed and the sun shines in on the mess, painting the air with beautiful golden specks of floating dust. It smells strange, like a mixture of sickly sweet cold medicine, mint, and the wet scent of decay. There are clothes and tissues scattered all around, alongside some bowls of soup and tea on the nightstand. Rio probably hadn’t had the time to bring them back to the kitchen, and Julian is in no shape to be walking, it seems.
Something lurches in Yadriel’s chest. His boyfriend is so sick, he doesn’t even have the energy to clean his room. That’s bad, bad. Julian is messy, but he is unbearably clean. He will leave clothes and books and papers scattered all around, but never food.
He must be really sick.
Yadriel decides to help and quickly gathers the scattered tissues and dirty dishes and dashes to the kitchen, putting them on the sink. Then, he gets a mug, fills it with water, and rushes back to his boyfriend’s side.
This time, when he opens the door, the sound makes Julian stir and crack open bleary eyes.
“Rio?” Julian’s voice is hoarse. He sounds terrible.
“No, just me,” Yadriel puts himself in Julian’s line of sight and watches as his boyfriend’s expression morphs from a confused frown into a sleepy smile.
“Yads!” He tries to cheer, but his voice is wrecked from being sick and it sounds so weak. Yadriel is torn between cooing and despairing.
“Brought you some water,” he lifts the cup, and Julian’s eyes light up.
The man wriggles out of the blankets and makes grabby hands.
Yadriel chuckles and hands the mug over. He helps Julian sit up straight enough to drink without choking and watches as he drinks it enthusiastically. When the water is over, Julian smacks his lips appreciatively and hands Yadriel the empty mug, which goes straight to the bedside table.
“Man, my throat is killing me. Being sick sucks so much,” he whines, throwing his head back onto the pillows.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” Yadriel moves to sit back by his bedside. It’s been nagging him a bit, that Julian wouldn’t share something this important.
“Dunno,” he shrugs, and then makes grabby hands at something on his bedside table. “Pass me the ginger candies?”
Yadriel rolls his eyes, but obeys. He doesn’t hand the candy over to Julian, holding it hostage and far away from his boyfriend’s hands.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” He repeats, more stern than before.
Julian sighs, long suffering.
“I don’t know, I didn’t think it was important. Didn’t want to worry you,” he shrugs and Yadriel can tell he’s lying. At least partially.
“I worry about everything, you should know that by now,” Yadriel frowns. “You should have still told me. I’m a brujo, I literally have connections that could fix this,” he gestures at Julian’s slumped-over body.
“Ohh, gonna use your brujo magic on me? Perhaps with a healing kiss?” Julian tries to wiggle his eyebrows and pucker his lips, but a cough ruins those puppy-dog eyes. He’s trying to distract Yadriel, but, as sweet as it is, he won’t let it.
“Gross. I’m not kissing you until you get better. Can’t be getting sick so close to graduation.”
Julian whines exaggeratedly.
“You are a horrible, horrible boyfriend. It might take me days to get better! I’ll die if you deprive me of kisses that long!”
“Should have thought of that before getting sick,” Yadriel unwraps a ginger candy and offers it to Julian. The boy– man now, he’s 18 after all– takes it eagerly and pops it into his mouth.
“Wasn’t trying to,” he grumbles, making him slur the words. “Would have not tried even harder if I knew I wouldn't receive any kisses for a week ,” his pouting looks ridiculously cute on a face with feverish red cheeks.
Yadriel rolls his eyes again, but he can’t help smiling so Julian knows he thinks it’s cute. He will bring it up later, when Julian isn’t looking so miserable.
“Can I at least get some cuddles? They’ll make me feel so much better, doctor’s note! Promise!” Julian turns his big brown eyes at Yadriel, and reaches out for him. He’s practically begging with his entire body for Yadriel to crawl in bed and it both annoys and endears that it works so well.
“I’m not sure I trust you with ‘just cuddles’,” Yadriel makes air-quotes, “last time we ‘just cuddled’ I recall a certain pair of hands down my pants,” he smirks, enjoying the blush that creeps up Julian’s cheeks. It’s harder to see with his face already a little bit red from the fever, but just as cute.
“Is that a no?” Julian pouts, wiggling a finger inside the rips of Yadriel’s jeans. His finger is warm against the bare skin of his thigh. Yadriel tries not to think too hard on whether it’s normal Julian heat or fever heat.
“I didn’t say that,” he sighs and starts taking off his hoodie. Julian is a constant source of heat, and Yadriel has learned long ago that cuddling with him in a hoodie is a sure way to boil to death.
Julian cheers and wiggles over, opening up a spot in the mess of blankets. Yadriel chucks off his jeans as well. They’re far too uncomfortable for sleeping in. He eyes the bed and then his own shirt. He should probably take off his binder. There’s a 90% chance he’ll end up falling asleep and he knows that if he doesn’t do it now, it’ll only worry Julian.
“If you’re glaring at your chest because you don’t wanna get your binder off, I guarantee you I will be keeping track of how sleepy you are, so you take it off before falling asleep. It’ll be very stressful for all parties involved and you shouldn’t stress a sick man.” It’s like Julian can read his mind or something.
“Fine, but turn around while I take it off.” Yadriel pouts.
“Why? It’s not like I haven’t seen them before,” Julian teases, but still rolls over to give Yadriel his privacy.
“Asshole,” Yadriel mutters, wiggling out of the binder with the ease of someone who has been doing it for years now. “Keep this up and you’ll never see them again.”
Julian fake gasps and immediately coughs wetly into his elbow.
“Noooo,” he whines exaggeratedly, “are you trying to kill me? No kisses and no semi-naked boyfriend? How will I ever survive.”
“I’m sure you’ll manage,” Yadriel slips the shirt back over his head and crawls in bed with Julian.
It’s very warm under the covers, even more so when Julian bodily pulls him closer and snuggles him into his chest. Santa Muerta , and he thought cuddling with a healthy Julian was like being boiled alive. He’s clammy too, the smell of cloying wet disease almost making Yadriel nauseous from being this close up.
“Maybe I should ask one of the brujas to come see you,” Yadriel wiggles in Julian’s arms, trying to find the prime cuddling spot. “You’re looking a bit worse than I would like.”
Julian just scoffs, rolling over on his back and bodily hauling Yadriel over with him. Yadriel lets out a very undignified squeal as he’s forcibly dragged on top of Julian’s chest. He can never decide if he hates or loves getting manhandled like this.
“It’s just a cold, I’ll be back on my feet in no time. You’ll see,” Julian sounds unconcerned, like he’s used to getting this sick all the time.
For the 2 years Yadriel has known Julian he’s never gotten more than the sniffles, so it’s a bit jarring to see his boyfriend so bedridden. Like getting sick like this is so normal that Julian doesn’t even care about it. Like he doesn’t even worry.
“I’ve never seen you this sick before,” Yadriel says because he’s been working on voicing out his thoughts more and more lately. He tends to hide stuff from people and Julian hates it .
Well, everyone hates it, but Julian is chief amongst them.
“Pff,” he scoffs, “I usually get sick like this at least once every one or two years. It’s all good,” he shrugs and the movement jostles Yadriel’s entire body.
He doesn’t notice it much. The words are what stick to the inside of his throat the most. Sticky like molasses, a hand choking down his breathing pipes.
“What?” Yadriel mutters, because… because what?
How could Julian get sick like this all of the time? How had Yadriel never noticed it before?
There’s something unfurling in Yadriel’s chest, slow like honey, but moving nonetheless. It suffocates him, drip drip dripping into his lungs and leaving no room for air.
Julian didn’t tell him he was sick. He never told him before, actually. Almost like he didn’t want Yadriel to know. Like he didn’t want Yadriel to see .
Because Julian isn’t a brujo. He’s mortal. He’s not been blessed by Lady Death like Yadriel and his family. He can’t see spirits. He can’t just ask for an aunt to heal him. He can’t come back on Dia De Muertos .
What Yadriel and his family have is nothing more than a kind of immortality. Julian doesn’t have that.
He’s mortal.
If he dies– when he dies– he won’t come back. He’ll leave Yadriel for good.
“Yeah,” Julian starts sitting up, bringing Yadriel up with him. His joking tone has vanished, likely picking up on the distress emanating from Yadriel. “Yads?” He asks, sitting them both up and leaning against the pillows propped up against the headboard. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He runs a feverish, hot hand across Yadriel’s cheeks and too late he realizes he’s started crying.
“I…” Yadriel begins but doesn’t know how to continue. Shit, maybe Julian did have a point in not telling him. His eyes burn even more when Julian’s frown changes from confusion to sad understanding. Like a shovel digging into Yadriel’s soft chest to reveal all of worry and anxiety and ugly steering inside him. Julian knows what Yadriel had only now allowed himself to realize. He knows their mortalities are parallel lines.
“Oh, Yads,” Julian coos, tucking him under his chin and stroking his hair with big warm hands. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t want you to think about it yet.”
“Ho–How long?” His voice shakes. His eyes burn with unshed tears. “How long have you known?”
Julian shifts under Yadriel. He can feel where their skin touches, the warmth that comes from feeling something alive under him.
“A while,” Julian finally confesses, kissing the crown of Yadriel’s head, like he’s hoping such a small act of love can drive away the ticking of the clock. “Last year, during Dia de los Muertos , when I talked to your brother.”
“My brother?” Yadriel untucks himself from Julian’s side, so he can look him in the eye. “What does he have to do with anything?”
Julian cups his cheek gently, brushing some wayward hairs away from his face. He looks so reverent, like looking up at Yadriel is akin to staring straight into the sun.
“Diego told me he didn’t approve of our relationship.”
Yadriel scoffs, moving away from Julian’s hand on his cheek.
“Diego's an idiot.”
“He had a point though. I know brujos usually marry within the community. I know that when you die you all go to the same place. I know that you’ll be able to come back every year for as long as there are people on Earth who remember you.” Julian’s hand touches the back of his neck, traveling down to his collarbone and then resting right over his heart. “I know that if we have kids one day, I would like for them to be brujos too, so they’ll get to see you after you’re gone, and you’ll get to see them once they die.” He swallows dry, eyes pressing closed like the words are hurting him. “I also know that I will never be able to do any of that.”
Yadriel feels like he’s been stabbed in the chest. Is this how Julian felt all those years ago? The sharp sting of a blade cutting open skin and muscle and fatty tissues until it finally pierces the heart? Feeling the warmth drain from your body with the blood that oozes from your chest?
It’s so cold right now.
It hurts so bad.
Yadriel can’t help it, he sobs, wet and desperate.
The moment the first tear drips down his cheeks, the rest come unbidden. A strangled scream tears its way up his throat and Julian rushes to muffle it on his neck. He tugs Yadriel closer to his body, pressing kisses wherever he can reach, but it’s not enough, the warmth of Julian’s lips can’t break through the fog in his mind.
It’s a grief that can’t be voiced.
Yadriel can feel it tearing at his chest, a truth that he’s known for a long time now but chose to ignore. A fate so cruel he looked the other way every time his father, brother, relatives, came to talk to him, eyes somber and sad.
Because Yadriel’s people don’t grieve like normal humans do.
They grieve for the time that would be stolen from them, a year's worth of memories turning into only a couple of days, but that’s not what death is for everyone else. Grief isn’t something you feel for 363 days of the year, it is forever.
Yadriel is not prepared to grieve Julian for forever.
He cries. He sobs. He screams himself hoarse in the safety of Julian’s arms, tucked under a cocoon of blankets and enveloped by the smell of ginger candy, Vaporub, and salt. The salt is from the sweat because Julian is sick, and sick people sweat more than healthy ones. The salt is from the tears because Julian is sick and he’s mortal and he’ll die one day and leave Yadriel behind.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Julian repeats, pressing the words like a prayer to Yadriel’s temple. “I know it hurts. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Yadriel wants to answer, to say that it doesn’t matter and that it wouldn’t have changed anything. That his love was inevitable. He can’t. The sobs monopolize his vocal chords, leaving no room for words.
Julian doesn’t seem to mind, running a hand up and down Yadriel’s back, soothing him until his screams turn into cries that turn into sniffles.
He calms down eventually, after what feels like forever. Julian’s chest rises and falls under his cheek. His heart beats right next to Yadriel’s ear, and right now, the steady thump-thump-thump is the most comforting sound in the whole world.
“I’m sorry,” Yadriel mutters, voice hoarse from all of the crying.
Julian chuckles, the motion making his chest jerk up and down, lifting Yadriel with it. Moving his body in time with the expansion of his ribcage. Like they have the same body, moving in tandem. Cruel in separation as cutting off a limb.
“Don’t got nothing to be sorry for,” Julian says, “your dad told me this might happen one day.”
Yadriel wants to laugh, but his body is still wracked with so much grief that it can only produce another sob instead.
“My dad?”
“He warned me that brujos aren’t exactly used to dealing with permanent grief. I never really thought about it before, but it’s almost like I’m dating an immortal. It’s badass,” he says, emphasis on the word ‘badass’ and Yadriel wants to laugh again. Leave it to Julian to turn grief into joy so easily.
“Of course you’d think that,” Yadriel hides his smile in the crook of Julian’s neck.
“Hey! Am I wrong?” He challenges.
Yadriel refuses to answer.
“Yads, Yads, Yads,” Julian insists, poking at his back and neck and sides until Yadriel finally emerges from his hiding spot and glares at him.
“What?” he groans right at Julian’s bright smiling face. “Can’t you see I’m grieving here? Have some respect.”
“I know you are,” Julian runs a hand up and down his back again. “And I know it’s hard, but I promise you’ll survive this. Take it from someone that already had plenty of grief in his life. It gets better,” Julian jerks a thumb to himself, almost like he’s proud of it.
“That’s sad Jules, that’s a really sad thing to say.”
“Maybe,” Julian shrugs, tone unbearably cheerful, “but that’s just what grief is. It’s being a little bit sad every single day.”
“How do you live with it?” Yadriel insists, pushing himself up on his elbows, “I feel like it’s going to kill me.”
“Yeah,” Julian laughs, mirthlessly, “it does feel like that. But the trick is learning that it never fully does, unless you let it.”
“If you say some bullshit like ‘grief makes life worth living’, I swear I’ll strangle you.” Yadriel groans.
Julian, predictably, laughs.
“You’d miss me too much,” he says.
“I would,” Yadriel doesn’t even hesitate. “I would miss you so much.”
“See! That’s my point. If we were truly immortal you wouldn’t care not to strangle me, because it wouldn't mean anything. We only live as much as we die.”
“I won’t die though, not like you will.” Yadriel runs a hand up Julian’s chest, feeling the skin move under his fingertips. Movement that comes from life .
“You won’t,” Julian agrees. “Doesn’t mean you don’t get to live with me though. I wish I could promise you forever, but I can’t. All I have to offer is this one life, Yadriel Flores, and I hope you’ll take it.” He tucks some hairs behind Yadriel’s ear and tilts his head up, forcing Yadriel to look him in the eye.
They are the same warm brown as they were when they first met, a scared boy and a ghost. It’s strange to think death had been the catalyst for their meeting and would be the last chapter of their love.
“Are you proposing to me? Rio would have a heart attack if we get engaged at 18,” Yadriel has to tease or he’ll cry again.
Julian’s eyes bulge wide open, like Yadriel’s words just unlocked a hidden part of his brain and… oh no. Yadriel doesn’t have time to react before he surges up and tackles Yadriel onto the bed, laughing and kissing him breathless.
“We should! We should!” He cheers between kisses. “We should get engaged! What better way to promise tomorrow, Yads!”
Yadriel laughs as he’s kissed silly and finally manages to catch a proper breath when Julian slows down, his fever making him tire more quickly. Julian rests his warm cheek on Yadriel’s chest, kissing it once over his shirt.
“You’re crazy,” Yadriel laughs, running a hand through the closely shaved hairs on Julian’s head. “Maybe wait a couple more years before we get engaged, alright? For our families’ sanity’s sake.”
Julian giggles, giddy with emotion and maybe a little bit high from the fever. He kisses right over Yadriel’s heart, right where blood pumps life to his body.
Minutes pass in silence and Yadriel is just about convinced Julian has fallen asleep when the man stirs on top of his, lips brushing against his t-shirt and he mumbles.
“I love you.”
And Yadriel aches. That foreign wave of grief crashing onto his shore once more. He’s exhausted just thinking about having to deal with this feeling for the rest of his life. But he can’t bear the alternative, because that would mean giving Julian up. No grief in the world could ever make him do that.
“I’ll miss you,” Yadriel sniffs, certain that Julian is far too gone to hear him. He hugs him tighter, presses his nose to the top of Julian’s head, inhaling the scent there.
He smells so strong, like sickness and sweat and that stupid Vaporub everyone seems to think is the cure for everything. It’s so strong that Yadriel can’t smell Julian’s actual scent. There’s nothing of the warm spiciness that always seems to follow his boyfriend. It’s just damp cloying misery, thick against the back of Yadriel’s teeth. It smells like death.
Yadriel can’t help but wonder if that’s what will happen when Julian dies. When he goes somewhere Yadriel can’t follow and over the years, over the centuries, he won’t be able to even remember his scent anymore. All that’ll be left will be the certainty of his death and the memories of their love.
“I’ll miss you so fucking much,” Yadriel sobs, losing control over his carefully controlled emotions. It’s too much for him. It’s too intense. He can’t think about losing Julian or he feels like his heart is being ripped from him. It hurts so much, more than being rejected by his family. More than Tio Catriz’s betrayal.
“I know,” Julian’s voice is soft. Shit. Yadriel thought he’d be asleep by now. “I know, Yads. I’ll miss you too. I wish I didn’t have to leave you.” Julian tightens his arms around Yadriel, squeezing the breath from his lungs, swallowing his cries in the circle of his arms.
Yadriel wishes he didn’t have to move ever again, that he could press close enough to Julian to let their bones fuse together. He wishes he could nest inside Julian’s ribcage, trick Lady Death into thinking they are one person so that she might let him come with him after death.
“You won’t!” Yadriel chokes wetly. He’s hiccupping through his tears now and not even Julian’s skin can hold his cries. “That’s the problem. You won’t. You’ll be dead and I’ll still be here, missing you for the rest of my life.”
Julian makes a wounded noise, like he’s just been stabbed again. The painful reminder of his boyfriend’s almost untimely death brings forth a fresh wave of tears. He’s holding Julian too tight now, digging his fingers into his shirt and probably leaving angry red marks on his back.
It’s not enough. The marks aren’t enough. Yadriel needs more. Needs to have Julian imprinted under his skin. Something that won’t fade even after they die.
“I know it’s not fair, Yads,” Julian tries to soothe him, his big warm hands running up and down his sides. It’s comforting, but Yadriel doesn’t want comfort. He wants Julian to bite him until it bleeds. “If I could, I’d stay with you forever. But that’s just how life is. People leave and people die. It’s the curse of being alive.”
Yadriel sobs, wretched and wet and painfully sad. Julian moves on the bed, lays half on top of Yadriel, and holds him closer, closer, closer. Like he can’t bear the distance between them anymore. Like every inch of skin that isn’t allowed to touch is a blasphemy.
“Just because I’ll be gone doesn’t mean I won’t be missing you. I’ll miss you even if I'm just space dust and a memory. I’ll miss you even if there’s nothing of me left. Nothing can ever erase my feelings for you, Yads. Not in life, not in death.” Julian presses the words into Yadriel’s skin like a prayer. Yadriel can feel the warmth of his lips against his cheeks, his neck, his temple.
He wants to believe him so bad. He wants this pain to mean something.
“How do you survive this?” Yadriel chokes, his voice small and hoarse from screaming himself to exhaustion. “How do you survive missing someone so much?”
Julian sobs once, quietly into Yadriel’s neck, and then presses a kiss there. His lips are chapped and warm with fever.
“I don’t know. I just do. We aren’t like you, Yads. I’ve always known people died and didn’t come back after. I’ve lived with this grief my whole life. It doesn’t feel so bad when it’s all you’ve ever known.” He kisses Yadriel’s neck again, like he’s hoping his lips over Yadriel’s pulse will make the words pour directly into his bloodstream. Travel through his whole body until it reaches his heart and nests there.
“I don’t know how to miss you.” Yadriel confesses. He’s never had to miss someone so thoroughly before. He misses his mother, he misses his abuelo , but it’s not the same. They aren’t really dead, not in the way other people are. They come back every year. They still know Yadriel. They will be there when Yadriel dies and finally moves on to that other plane.
Julian won’t.
Right here, right now, this is all he will ever have with Julian.
A drop of water in the ocean of his eternal life.
To his surprise, Julian doesn’t seem as heartbroken as Yadriel, because he laughs, warm and wet against his skin.
“Don’t worry, mi amor , I hope you’ll have plenty of time to learn.” He kisses Yadriel’s hair.
“It’s not enough time.”
Julian hums, rolling off Yadriel and tucking him more comfortably onto his side. One of the hands on his back dips under his shirt and Yadriel shivers as it splays over his spine, fingertips touching the base of his neck.
“There’s never enough time,” he digs his fingers into Yadriel’s upper back, massaging the tension away from his aching muscles. “That’s part of living too. We always wish we had more time.”
Yadriel wonders if Julian’s thinking of his father. If love and grief and life have shaped his boyfriend so deeply, he doesn’t even know how to be human without it. He wonders if it’s like that for everyone. Everyone else .
“But you’re here now,” Julian’s hand travels from his back to his front, brushing over his breast until it rests over his heart. “You’re alive now, it doesn't matter if you’ll be dead tomorrow. Death can have the future. All we humans have is the present.” He presses his palm over Yadriel’s heart, like his fingers could tear open his ribcage and cup his still beating heart in tender calloused hands. “Can you feel that? You’re alive now .”
And Yadriel can. He can feel the beat of his own heart reverberating through where Julain touches him. He can feel the rush of his own blood where skin meets skin, like all of the life inside him can only be seen in the mirror that is Julian’s body.
He swallows another cry, tears blurring his eyes again. But the desperate ache is passing. It’s hard to miss Julian when he’s right here, in front of Yadriel, looking so beautiful with flushed cheeks and chapped lips and a freshly shaved head.
“I’ll miss you,” Yadriel murmurs again, but this time is less like a storm and more like the promise of all future sunrises. It’s not pain. It’s a reminder of their love. He brushes his fingertips over Julian’s cheeks, marveling at the stubble there.
“I know,” Julian leans on Yadriel’s hand, nuzzling it like a cat. “Missing is good. Missing means the love was worth it.”
Yadriel can’t help but laugh. There’s still lingering sadness in his tone, festering deep inside his lungs, but he thinks he can handle it for now. Julian is here now. He’s not dead yet. Lady Death willingly, he won’t die so soon. He’ll stay by Yadriel’s side a while longer, holding his hand, feeling the beating of his heart, teaching him about how to love like a human and how to grieve like a human and how to live like a human.
It's enough for now.
It’s enough.
“Can I kiss you?” Julian asks, nudging Yadriel’s nose with his own.
“What did I say about kissing while you’re sick?” He says, despite all of the kisses they already shared earlier. The hand on Julian’s cheek moves to the back of his neck, scratching at the buzzed hairs there in a way that he knows always makes him melt.
Julian groans, burying his face into the space between the pillow and Yadriel’s cheek. “That you love me too much to deprive me of kisses?”
Yadriel laughs, this time, it’s a real one.
“You’ll get me sick,” he halfheartedly complains, even when they both know he’s gonna cave in.
“Go to the brujas and ask for a cure,” Julian pulls Yadriel closer, wedging a knee in between his thighs.
“Oh, so I can go, but you can’t?” Yadriel pretends to complain, squirming until he can loop both arms around Julian’s shoulders.
“They like you better,” Julian presses a kiss to Yadriel’s neck that very quickly turns into teeth on skin and a probably nasty hickey.
Yadriel sighs pleasantly, trying to tilt his neck to give Julian more access.
“They do not.”
“Ok, they do not,” Julian agrees with an easy laugh. “Can I still get my kiss?” He pulls away from Yadriel’s neck enough to pout at his boyfriend.
Yadriel rolls his eyes, stupidly in love with this man and his ridiculousness.
“Are you gonna stop with just a kiss?”
Julian swallows dry and darts his eyes between Yadriel’s lips and the teeth marks on his neck.
“Yes?”
“That was not very convincing,” Yadriel leans closer and brushes their noses together. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” and he kisses him.
They have all the time in the world.