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He heard his parents whispering about it quite often. “He is actively defying us,” his father would say.
And his mother would reply, “I think something’s wrong! I mean, he talks around me!”
A pause.
“He does not talk to me,” says his father.
Spock stares silently at the ceiling.
-----
The teacher is staring at him. The whole class is staring at him. Spock is staring at his desk.
“Spock, I have asked you a question,” says the teacher, no frustration seeping into her cool, Vulcan tone.
Twenty-six point five.
“Spock.”
The answer is twenty-six point five.
“Answer.”
Twenty-six point five!
“There will be consequences for your defiance.”
Spock is silent.
“Stirk?” says the teacher, turning away from Spock.
“Twenty-six point five,” said Stirk easily, and Spock burns with shame.
He knew the answer. Why didn’t he say it?
He studies his desk and doesn’t cry.
-----
An emotional need for rebellion, his teachers call it. Human defiance.
Spock doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.
-----
“Why do you not speak?” his father says, and Spock doesn’t--can’t--respond. He watches his father’s feet pace around him.
“Speak!” his father commands.
Spock tries, he does, and he opens his mouth, but the words get stuck in his lungs, and he can’t. And his eyes burn.
“It is not Vulcan,” hisses his father and walks away.
Spock cries.
He hates himself.
-----
The children at school call him stupid. Call him Human, call him emotional, call him an idiotic Human mute.
Spock is not mute.
He does not say so.
They kick him while he’s down.
His mother holds him one day, stoking Spock’s hair, and Spock’s body is marred with greenish bruises.
“Sweetie, why don’t you talk?” she sighs.
“I do,” says Spock. “I talk.”
“Talk to them,” she says.
“I can’t.” And he doesn’t know how to say more.
-----
It is a great privilege when Spock is accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy.
Exceptional.
Unexpected.
Spock can’t talk, so he silently shakes his head at the elders, and walks out.
-----
Spock still loses his words at Starfleet. It’s easier there, though. People talk to him less.
He still has to give presentations.
He has prepared endlessly. He has it all memorized, he has his slides perfectly planned out, everything is perfect.
And then he stands in front of the class.
And suddenly he wants to die.
The silence is deafening. Everyone is staring at him. He can’t breathe.
Subspace communication is…
Fucking say it.
“Spock?” says the teacher. “You can go ahead and start now.”
Say it. You know this. Subspace communication.
Silence.
“Spock?”
Spock walks out of the classroom.
He hides in the bathroom and takes shuddering breaths, trying not to cry. He’s a fucking failure.
-----
Spock can talk to Captain Pike.
He’s surprised, really. He expects himself to shut down when they meet, but instead, the words come out easily.
This has never really happened before.
He decides he likes Captain Pike.
-----
Spock’s first away mission as science officer does not go well.
He goes to the funeral and stands there silently.
-----
Pike is leaving. And Spock doesn’t say goodbye.
He raises a ta’al, throat closed up, and Pike smiles and says “Bye, Spock.”
The new captain, James T. Kirk, says “Live long and prosper.”
Peace and long life, Spock thinks, but nothing comes out.
-----
Spock can talk around Kirk, he’s realized.
“Status report, Mister Spock,” Kirk says, and Spock responds quickly, “No new information, sir.”
Kirk goes on to question Nyota and Lieutenant Sulu, but Spock is too shocked by the fact that he just spoke normally.
He tramps down the surge of happiness and excitement and pride that wells up inside him. It is unVulcanlike to have such feelings, especially at something as simple as being able to talk. But he can’t help but answer with more enthusiasm the next time Kirk asks him a question.
-----
He can’t immediately talk to Doctor McCoy. His first medical check up, he sits there quietly and lets McCoy scan him and talk loudly.
And then McCoy pauses, expecting a response. And Spock doesn’t say anything.
“Hello? Spock?”
Spock is silent. He feels the panic welling up in his chest. Doctors are the worst to lose his words in front of.
“Can you talk?” says McCoy, catching on quick, concern lacing his voice.
Yes, yes I can talk, just not right now.
He shakes his head.
“Did you lose your voice? Are you sick?” McCoy asks, already rechecking his scanner. “I didn’t get anything like that on my readings…”
Spock shakes his head again. I’m not ill. Just weird.
“You’re not sick?” Spock nods. “Are you okay?”
Spock nods an affirmative. I have no idea.
“I’ve heard you talk before. Is this just a right now thing, or does this happen often? Uh, tap your fingers once for the former, twice for the latter.” Spock taps his fingers twice. He doesn’t look at McCoy.
“So you lose your ability to speak sometimes?” Spock nods. “But you’re okay?”
Spock nods again.
And McCoy doesn’t question it. He doesn’t call Spock a liar, doesn’t try to force him to speak, doesn’t ask a million more questions Spock can’t answer. “Alright,” he says, and moves on, and Spock looks up at him.
Thank you, he thinks, and he thinks McCoy might understand.
-----
It takes a month for him to be able to talk around McCoy.
He’s with Jim, in sickbay, after their shifts, and Jim and McCoy are having a conversation.
“C’mon Bones, don’t tell me you seriously think vanilla is the best ice cream flavor!” Jim laughs. “It’s barely a flavor at all!”
“‘Strawberry swirl with crunchies and cheesecake chunks with gummy bears and rainbow sprinkles on top’ is not a flavor either, Jim!” McCoy counters, his own laugh hidden under a scowl.
“Yes it is!” Jim gasps. “How dare!”
“Vanilla is smooth and perfectly sweet, unlike your sugary abomination of a favorite!”
“Vanilla is basic as hell!”
“Not even just strawberry!” Leonard exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “Strawberry swirl with ‘crunchies’!”
“And cheesecake chunks! And gummy bears and sprinkles too,” Jim corrects. “They’re important.”
“No they’re not!” McCoy yells.
“Illogical,” Spock says. McCoy and Jim both turn to him in wide-eyed surprise.
McCoy’s smile grows. He doesn’t say oh my god, it speaks! Or oh, so you can talk! Or if you can talk now, why don’t you always talk? No, he says “Okay, Hobgoblin, what’s your favorite ice cream?”
“I do not have one,” he says.
“Bullshit,” says McCoy. “I bet he likes chocolate,” he says to Jim.