Work Text:
You don’t completely know a person until they've moved in to live with you. This slice of wisdom rang especially true with certain Norse Gods.
“What do you mean there’s no more room?”
“I tire of your disbelief, Stark. I may be the God of Lies but I will always speak truth when it concerns dire matters such as these.” Loki patiently leaned in and slowly enunciated every single word. “I. have. run. out. of. available. space.”
“I GAVE YOU AN ENTIRE FLOOR!” Tony tried not to sound shrill but he failed spectacularly. The billionaire quickly summoned the holographic schematics of Avenger Tower and pulled out its stats. “Baby. Sweetie. Darling. We are talking about 13,000 SQUARE FEET, in the freaking middle of New York City.” He isolated the level and spun it around. All the other Avengers barely took up a quarter of the floors they were given and they had taken permanent residence for over a year. This was borderline insane.
Loki made a steeple with his hands and tried to negotiate with the mortal as cordially as possible. He even graciously ignored the incredibly disrespectful pet names thrown at him. The God of Mischief was after all raised as Aesir Royalty, “Hmmm yes, I am very aware of the measurements. Might I remind you that I have respectfully tolerated these modest accommodations for three months? It is only now that I have brought forth my complaints.”
Tolerated? Modest?? There weren't a lot of things in existence that could render Tony Stark utterly speechless.
“Make no mistake, I am incredibly thankful for your hospitality.” Loki draped a hand over his heart. If false sincerity emitted radiation, Loki’s readings would have made Chernobyl look like a microwave, “Please forgive me Stark, if what I am about to say is too… forward. But I would like to point out that you yourself have three floors. If we were to also include your workshop and garage, the total space YOU occupy would be roughly over 40,000 square feet. ”
“That’s different. I need that space for the research and development department, Jarvis’s server hub, testing facilities, in-house Iron Man repair and custom part manufacturing, also one of those floors has our swimming pool and our training gym. So that’s about 34,000 square feet, buster.”
Loki fell quiet, only because it took every ounce of his will power not to roll his eyes.
“I need that space too.”
“Thor’s only taking up HALF of HIS floor.”
“That is because my brother’s true home is in Asgard,” breathed out Loki. The God pointedly looked away.
“Y-you… wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Let me process this,” Tony blinked and tried to stifle the smile that was threatening to tug at his mouth. “You. You’re making Avenger Tower YOUR number one domestic destination,” He crowed gleefully, “This is main base, you’re over a millennium old and you’re finally moving out of your parents’ basement, this is home sweet home, you’re -”
“Silence, Stark. Or I am changing my mind,” Loki grit his teeth and looked at anywhere but Tony’s face.
“Loki-doki-hokey-pokey~”
The God snapped to stare in murderous outrage at the grinning mortal who blew him a sweet kiss.
“I’ll give you that extra floor.
“BUT: here’s the deal. Tomorrow afternoon, you’re going to take me on a COMPLETE tour. If you’re going to seriously take permanent residence in MY tower on MY planet then I have every right to see what the hell you’ve got crammed in there.”
Loki twitched.
“Did I mention that floor is the one directly below yours? It’ll be nice and cozy and ridiculously spacious.”
“Fine. It is a deal, Stark.”
Tony opened his mouth but Loki interrupted with a knowing glint in his eye, “But if you invite that infernal ‘MTV cribs’ show to tag along I will burn you and this entire hemisphere down into a desert of ashes.”
Tony sighed as they shook on it, “Fine.”