Chapter Text
It first comes to light after Seungcheol is late to practice for the third time in the last two weeks. He’s late sometimes, yes, but there’s usually always a good excuse for it; he was caught up with a company executive, he was getting a call from his manager regarding his schedule, filming pushed overtime and he couldn’t leave. Except for the last three times, his excuses were simply… excuses. He was taking a nap and forgot to set an alarm, he was hungover, Kkuma didn’t want to go home and he was struggling to carry her back.
For his credit he does look extremely guilty every time, as if he knows that the excuses he’s giving are pathetic. But that annoys some of the members more, because why would their leader of all people be coming up with flimsy excuses instead of just coming clean like he usually would.
So that’s where they are now. Sitting around the practice room after their staff have left, having an impromptu team meeting while they are all quite exhausted.
Probably wasn’t a great idea because they kind of all lose their filter the more tired they are, and if Jeonghan wasn’t so exhausted himself, he would have noticed it.
“So?” Soonyoung demands, ever the direct person for matters like this.
Seungcheol is still panting, but Soonyoung isn’t taking that as an excuse for him to not answer.
“Could we do this another day?” Seungcheol asks tiredly.
Soonyoung shakes his head.
“Hyung, if this was the first time I wouldn’t care. But it’s not.”
“It’s getting annoying, Seungcheol hyung,” Mingyu this time, making it clear Soonyoung isn’t the only one who has things to say. “I called you twice this morning to remind you and you practically yelled at me.”
“That was my bad, sorry,” Seungcheol mumbles.
“If you keep this up, who knows what else you might be late for? Sorry isn’t going to cut it when you arrive 20 minutes late to filming.”
“I know, I-,”
“You don’t even have a good excuse. What the hell’s going on?”
Soonyoung’s strong tone comes more from concern than anger, which Seungcheol understands, but he still makes a pained expression as if he was attacked, looking to the ground guiltily. This makes everyone look at each other in alarm. Even Soonyoung seems taken aback, unable to ask further, heat dissipating as quickly as it came.
Usually Jeonghan would step in here. Because if Seungcheol had something on his mind that was bothering him, no matter how minuscule, Jeonghan would know. Jeonghan would always, always know. Because Seungcheol tells him everything. Everything ranging from “yo Jeonghan, yesterday’s dinner was so gross” to “do you think I’m doing enough as a leader?” Jeonghan is a rock for Seungcheol, that much is very obvious and it’s something everyone knows. That was how they have built their relationship, and it’s where it has stood for many years now.
But right now Jeonghan is clueless. He can’t step in.
He can see some of the members sending him glances for assistance, but Jeonghan is only able to stare at Seungcheol, bewildered that his friend has said nothing about whatever the hell is going on.
“Hey,” the voice is gentle, Joshua’s soothing tone cutting through the heavy atmosphere.
He gets up from where he was sitting against the mirror, affectionately patting the back of Soonyoung’s head on the way before coming to sit beside Seungcheol. He tilts his head, trying to catch Seungcheol’s gaze as he gives his friend’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.
“If it’s hard to talk about you don’t need to,” he continues, voice still soft. “But you need to let us know how much this is going to keep affecting you. We’re just worried about you Seungcheol-ah. I’m sure you know that.”
Seungcheol is biting his lip, eyes still downcast, nodding along to Joshua’s words.
It’s quiet for a beat longer as everyone looks at each other again.
Joshua glances up and gives Jeonghan a long look. It’s enough for him to finally snap out of it and he's about to ask if they should do this another day, when Seungcheol raises his gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says, voice tight with nerves. “I didn’t mean for this to affect me so much because I’m still… things are still, uncertain.”
Most of the members look confused.
But something heavy settles in Jeonghan’s stomach. Somehow, even from just this one line which would normally sound so cryptic, he can tell what Seungcheol is about to say next. For some reason his throat constricts. For some reason he does not want Seungcheol to continue with whatever he is about to say. For some reason he doesn’t want him to say anything.
But he’s so shocked by these confusing feelings that they are the exact thing that prevents him from stopping Seungcheol, who after taking a deep breath, squares his shoulders back, looking each of them in the eyes and says,
“I’m seeing someone.”
+++
Seungcheol’s boyfriend (“he’s not my boyfriend yet,” Seungcheol had grumbled which had for some reason pierced something cold and sharp right through Jeonghan’s heart) is some dude called Kang Yeongmin, someone he met through one of the PDs and was a year older than him. It’s been about a month since they started seeing each other (a fucking month) and it was only recently that they had started meeting more now that Seventeen’s schedule was calmer. The days that Seungcheol was late were the days he was seeing Yeongmin, and because they needed to meet in places with less people, it inevitably meant their dates had to take place quite far from the city.
Seungcheol had shrunk in on himself more and more as the members piled question on to question. His cheeks were red and he kept trying to hide his face in Joshua’s shoulder as everyone would not stop hounding him.
Jeonghan, maybe for the first time since he had met these boys, felt completely isolated. It was like there were two versions of himself existing simultaneously. One of them going on autopilot, shooting out light jokes and teasing comments that he thinks landed well but can’t remember. The other version of himself was brand new, completely shell shocked and so, so confused. Because he should be happy for Seungcheol. Though he is of course wary and wants him to be careful, he should be happy. Seungcheol is the person that leads them and supports them, but he’s also the one who is burdened as well. As much as he downplays his role in the group, he’s always been one to shoulder the responsibility of a thirteen member team even at times when he doesn’t think he could do it. So Jeonghan should be glad Seungcheol has someone outside of the team that he can talk to, have fun with. He should be glad Seungcheol has someone that he can go to if things get tough.
He should be glad he has someone other than Jeonghan.
It’s a week after the revelation that Mingyu finds Jeonghan pretending to be asleep on the couch in the waiting room, resting until they’re called for their turn for the photoshoot. Mingyu had been one of the main interrogators about Seungcheol and Yeongmin’s relationship, but Jeonghan also knows Mingyu has been wanting to talk to him the second he found out Jeonghan knew nothing of Seungcheol’s new flame.
Which is why Jeonghan has been avoiding him.
“Nowhere to run today, hyung,” Mingyu says pointedly, flopping on the couch next to him and invading his space.
Jeonghan grunts, keeping his eyes closed while trying to push Mingyu off. It does not succeed.
“What do you want,” Jeonghan sighs.
As much as he comes off as cute and clumsy, always indulging in everyone’s teasing, Mingyu is one of the most observant people in their group and never one to beat around the bush.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
Jeonghan wants to keep his eyes glued shut. He never wants to open them if it means he could avoid this question. Maybe if he stayed quiet long enough they’d get called to their shoot and he’d never have to deal with this again.
But Jeonghan knows Kim Mingyu is never one to back down.
“Okay about what?”
It’s a meaningless attempt at stalling.
“About Seungcheol hyung.”
He opens his eyes, raising an eyebrow and looking at Mingyu as nonchalantly as he can.
“I’m fine. Why would you think I’m not?” he asks. Because he is. Of course he was shocked that Seungcheol didn’t come to him about this. He considers Seungcheol to be one of his best friends. Including Joshua, the three have always relied on each other. But after he got over his initial shock he was able to understand that this would’ve been a difficult topic to bring up. Especially considering that their love life is already a delicate topic, therefore not a common theme for their talks, it makes sense that Seungcheol had decided to keep it to himself.
Albeit Jeonghan is still trying to figure out what to do with the weight in his stomach, but he’s decided to push that aside for as long as he can.
Mingyu, of course, doesn’t let it go.
“Because you’ve been avoiding me. That’s why.”
“Only cause I knew you were going to ask me about this Mingyu-ya,” Jeonghan sighs, annoyance bleeding into his tone. It doesn’t come from just Mingyu’s interrogation but also towards the confusing emotions swirling inside him. He hopes Mingyu thinks it’s because of the former, but he also knows Mingyu isn’t dumb.
“As long as he’s careful, Coups can do what he wants. Did I want him to tell me about it first? Yes. But he’s not obligated to consult with me about everything.”
Both of them know this isn’t what Mingyu is asking, but Jeonghan is not willing to give him what he wants. If Jeonghan was upset for a different reason, if he wanted to talk about something else, he's the one that would bring it up. He is not going to be forced to talk about something that he doesn’t even know himself, and he isn’t willing to sort it out now. Right now, Seungcheol is happy. And that’s what’s important.
“Hyung-,”
“Mingyu.”
Jeonghan cuts him off strongly, which finally stops him.
He’s furrowed his brows, thinking hard about how to go about this when they both get called in.
Mingyu doesn’t bring the topic up again.
+++
Four days later, Seungkwan asks Jeonghan to have some soju with him before they go to bed that night. Honestly, Jeonghan is impressed that Seungkwan held off for so long considering that, after Mingyu, it was him that wouldn’t stop glancing at Jeonghan every time Seungcheol would mention his boyfriend (Seungcheol stopped denying it, and Jeonghan felt something die inside him). Jeonghan supposes that living together for so long has made Seungkwan more aware of how Jeonghan acts, deciding to give him space before he jumped in. It’s an extremely Seungkwan-like thing to do and Jeonghan is grateful for it.
Except he still doesn’t know what he should say.
Seungkwan is chatting away about something that happened at work, willing to give Jeonghan the floor regarding this topic, gently prodding him to start the conversation. But after Jeonghan never deters from the main subject, refusing to take the bait for the nth time, Seungkwan just stops talking. Not even pretending like it was a natural pause.
He lets out a loud sigh that sounds disappointing and Jeonghan is offended.
“What?” He says defensively.
Seungkwan places an elbow on the table bringing up one hand to his chin. He scans Jeonghan’s face with a disapproving shake of the head. “You really don’t want to talk about it do you?”
Jeonghan can only pretend like he did with Mingyu.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Seungkwan rolls his eyes. He stands up, ready to head to his room. “You are so unbelievable sometimes, hyung. You’re lucky I love you so much.”
“Ya!” Jeonghan calls, but Seungkwan just waves his hand good night.
+++
Jeonghan has always made sure he observes and scans the members when Seungcheol can’t. Where his team relies on Seungcheol for activities or schedules and will follow his lead the second they step outside, Jeonghan is usually relied on as the mental pillar for his members. He’s generally calm and unaffected, and it’s easy for his brothers to talk or vent to him without the fear of being judged. Jeonghan genuinely feels honoured that his friends see him as somebody so reliable, and has never thought of his role as a problem or a burden. But right now, right now he thinks he might not be very useful.
It’s evident that everyone else can see it too, judging by how nobody has come to vent to him in the past couple of days. And it’s times like this that Jeonghan realises the cons to having so many people know you inside and out. It wasn’t uncommon for Chan to pull him aside for a couple minutes after practice for a quick chat, or Jihoon to pause recording to get something off his chest. He had Seokmin and Mingyu come to him separately in one day when they had a small fight, which was then followed by Minghao who was worried about them. Sometimes the talks wouldn’t even last five minutes. Once, Seungkwan had stormed into the kitchen as Jeonghan was eating dinner, ranted about Hansol for exactly twenty seconds, and then returned to his room already on the phone after Jeonghan had said simply: “call him.”
But nobody has come to him in the past seventy two hours.
It makes him feel shitty. Having to be the one who everybody tiptoes around is the last kind of person Jeonghan ever wants to be in this group. He’s supposed to be easy to talk to, the ever reassuring and encouraging hyung, and instead, his friends are too worried about him to come to him about their own problems.
Jeonghan regrets going to practice early that day. He hears speaking from inside, so assuming the members and staff have gathered, he takes a deep breath and opens the door.
The hip hop unit are the only ones there. Wonwoo and Hansol are going through some steps as they chat, music lightly drifting through the speakers. They look his way once but continue on after exchanging a quick nod in greeting, and then Jeonghan sees Seungcheol on the couch talking on the phone. He has an easy smile as he chats, one hand carding through his hair subconsciously. He raises his eyebrows at Jeonghan in a silent greeting.
“Ah you’ll be fine hyung,” he says affectionately, and Jeonghan can feel his facials go rigid. Mingyu has his back against the mirror with his phone in his hand, but Jeonghan can nearly feel the way he’s boring his eyes into him. He has to look away quickly, heading to the water server which is on the opposite side of the room, noisily grabbing a cup to fill it up. He’s trying to ignore Seungcheol’s conversation, but his ears are betraying him by trying to seek out his voice as much as he can. When Seungcheol laughs, Jeonghan has to gulp the water down in one go, hoping it will stop his insides from burning painfully. He crushes the paper cup with more strength than necessary before chucking it in the bin.
The long breath he lets out is a lot shakier than he thought, and he scowls at himself. He’s fine. Why is he acting so rattled over one fucking call? If they can’t see each other, of course they’re going to talk on the phone.
“Jeonghan.”
Jeonghan nearly jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He tries to pretend like he was just rolling his shoulders back as he turns around to find Wonwoo who’s looking at him seriously.
Already, he doesn’t like where this is going. Mingyu has long given up on trying to talk to Jeonghan, but he’s fairly sure he and Wonwoo have talked about him at home.
But as if sensing Jeonghan’s guard go up, Wonwoo just steps back, observing him. If it was Mingyu or Seungkwan, Jeonghan would be able to steer them away. The more riled up they get, the easier it is for Jeonghan to deflect. But Wonwoo is trickier. Where Mingyu is determined but easier to distract, Wonwoo is determined and harder to sway.
He doesn’t know what Wonwoo saw on his face, but it seems to be enough for him to furrow his brows slightly, a hint of pity in his eyes.
“They usually chat before practice. Try coming a little later,” he says quietly and reaches for his own cup.
Jeonghan controls every muscle in his body so he doesn’t act surprised. Only tilting his head in feign puzzlement. “What?”
Wonwoo isn’t fooled and they both know it. But Jeonghan doesn’t know how else to deal with this. Already he’s had to pretend with the others and now that he’s established that there’s nothing to talk about, that there’s nothing affecting him, he’s unable to act any differently. Even if his stomach has not stopped burning unpleasantly. Even if listening to Seungcheol laugh into his phone makes him feel like he’s being prickled by needles from the inside.
Wonwoo lets out a small breath, expression sad as if he was expecting this. “We just want to offer some comfort, Jeonghan. But clearly you don’t want that.”
Jeonghan feels like he was shot through the back. He can’t say anything, a wave of shock and guilt crashing over him as all he can do is watch Wonwoo head back.
The rest of the members start filing in and Jeonghan loses his chance to speak. Seungcheol is no longer on the phone, exchanging a quick chat with Soonyoung who calls everybody to the middle of the room. Jeonghan tries to catch Wonwoo’s eye between the little breaks, but he no longer looks at him.
It’s been another two weeks and after at least two other people have come to ask Jeonghan how he’s doing. Usually he’s grateful for the comfort that thirteen people bring, but right now it is grating that he’s had to deflect questions from five people and it’s not even half of the team. He’s therefore rather appreciative of those who haven’t said anything and probably never will, like Jihoon (though the number of slightly judgmental glances he’s sending is increasing day by day), Seokmin and Jun who either don’t know what’s going on or they’re just trying to avoid conflict, and Hansol who simply accepts Jeonghan’s silence on the matter.
None of the other members who confronted him have attempted a second time as they know when it comes to these kind of topics, Jeonghan is one of the hardest people to crack open.
But especially after the confrontation with Wonwoo, Jeonghan can feel his control starting to slip away.
He’s been conversing fine with Seungcheol so far, showing nothing too obvious, except that he can’t look anywhere but his phone when Seungcheol or anyone else starts to talk about Yeongmin. Jeonghan can tell Mingyu is fed up with him from the way he has stopped shying away from the subject. The other members have also followed suit, now giving up on trying to get Jeonghan to talk, happily engaging with Seungcheol’s updates instead.
He doesn’t blame them. He’s brought this upon himself. But having to listen to Seungcheol talk about his recent date while Soonyoung and Chan shoot in follow up questions; having to watch Seungcheol become embarrassed and flustered; having to know Seungcheol likes this man, is still enough to make his stomach coil so painfully he is struggling to maintain his composure.
Joshua finally comes to him after Jeonghan had decided to abruptly leave the waiting room when Seungcheol walked in looking pleased. They were on set where Yeongmin was working and Seungcheol had been gone for half an hour to go and see him.
“Don’t play dumb. It’s not worth the effort,” Joshua is already saying as he settles next to Jeonghan on a balcony bench. No one else is around to see Jeonghan squeezing his drink so tightly his hands are starting to shake.
Joshua snatches the bottle away before it bursts. “Has everyone had their pep talk with you?”
Jeonghan looks up to the sky, a resigned sigh leaving him. “Most of them. Minghao came earlier this morning and said something cryptic before just leaving.”
Joshua smiles. But then looks at him a little more seriously, concern on his face. “I know everyone’s stopped stepping on eggshells around you, but they’re still getting worried, Jeonghan-ah. You keep this up and Seungcheol might make it a bigger deal. He’s already asked me twice if you’re mad about something and I’ve just had to say you aren’t feeling well.”
Jeonghan closes his eyes. Grateful and guilty at the same time that Joshua had said nothing to him so far but still backed him up in silence.
“I don’t think he bought it, by the way.”
Jeonghan sighs. “Of course not.”
“Have you been actually properly talking to him? Because the fact that he asked me a second time means he didn’t go to you. Which is pretty telling.”
Jeonghan hasn’t been… avoiding him. Again, it’s not like he stopped talking to him or anything. There hasn’t been a day (yet) that they haven’t exchanged some words. He just hasn’t been as talkative to him, only responding when Seungcheol starts the conversation, deciding to instead engage more with his other members. Seungcheol has clearly caught on to his odd behaviour, but has let him be for now which Jeonghan is grateful for. Despite what happened, Mingyu is kind enough to indulge him when Jeonghan goes to drape himself over him, whining that he’s tired. He doesn’t know if Chan is as aware of what is going on as the others are, but he still lets Jeonghan baby him more than he usually would, just scoffing and rolling his eyes where he would usually shove him away, or ignore completely. It’s pathetic really, but Jeonghan has decided to relish in their pity just a little bit.
“It’s mostly about work when we talk,” Jeonghan mutters. “He called me outside work hours as well like, three days ago.”
“About?”
“Just to check up on some last minute things for this shoot.”
And that’s hard to admit too. Because usually their talks wouldn’t involve work that much. It was just idle chit chat, Seungcheol would just want to tell him about his day or talk to him because he’s bored. Jeonghan is used to Seungcheol’s sudden calls that happen nearly every day, basically expecting them at this point, but he’s been made very aware these recent weeks that while Seungcheol still talks to him about those things when they meet face to face, not only do the phone calls now consist 95% about work, the span between each call is also getting longer and longer. Jeonghan nearly panicked when he saw Seungcheol’s name disappear from the first page when he had been scrolling through his call history. And then panicked again at the fact that he panicked over something so trivial.
Joshua hums thoughtfully and just that sound makes Jeonghan’s head hurt. “Shua, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, don’t worry that's loud and clear,” he replies wryly and it stings a little to know even his closest and most understanding friend is losing his patience. “Jeonghan come on, you’re walking out of rooms. How the hell are you going to keep acting like you’re okay?”
“I am okay.”
“Oh my god, Jeonghan-,”
“I have to be, Shua. Okay? What do you expect me to do?” He says, snappish. “What do you all expect me to do? Everyone’s coming to me asking if I’m okay but what happens when I say no? What are you all going to do?”
Joshua can only look at him, upset.
If Jeonghan shares even an inch of what he’s feeling to any of the members, he knows it won’t end up well for them. Pretending like he is okay means these feelings stay murky and ambiguous and he can work them out on his own. If he voices them out too loud the feelings will suddenly become clear, other people will be able to pinpoint and give names to all of these ugly emotions, and he knows even on his own, that it won’t be helpful for anyone.
When he returns to the waiting room, Seungcheol catches his eye, asking a silent question. Jeonghan feels his insides squeeze tightly, the sincerity in the gaze making him feel guilty for some reason. He waves him off and doesn’t look at him again.
Jeonghan has to be okay.
He’s had to go through worse things and pretend nothing was wrong.
He can do this.
+++
Jeonghan cannot do this.
He is now, suddenly, extremely aware of that as he sits at a restaurant with Seungkwan grilling their samgyeopsal.
Sitting opposite Seungcheol and Kang Yeongmin.
“Good thing this place allowed last minute changes,” Yeongmin is saying as he cuts the meat on the grill into small pieces.
He lifts up his arm that has been resting on the back of Seungcheol’s seat, distributing the meat in equal portions to everyone at the table. Somebody knocks on the door and Yeongmin gets up to receive another plate of meat, settling it on the table before his arm goes back to its original position. The other people on their team, including Jeonghan and Seungkwan’s bodyguards, are standing outside or are in another private room. Jeonghan’s insides feel like they are being chewed on, imagining how if he and Seungkwan hadn’t bumped into these two on the way back from vocal practice, they would be in this room. Alone.
He knows Yeongmin is trying to start a conversation, but Jeonghan is cutting his meat into the tiniest pieces to keep on eating so he can shut himself up just in case he says anything he’s going to regret. Or he leans across the table and slaps Yeongmin’s arm away or something.
“I’ve never been here before! Why didn’t you tell us about this hyung?” Seungkwan sweeps in, saving him.
Out of everyone here Seungcheol looks the most nervous, not at all prepared to introduce his boyfriend to his members yet. His eyes dart between everyone numerous times and his hand keeps playing with a paper napkin.
“Ah,” he says, waving the napkin around. “It’s my first time here as well. Thank Yeongmin hyung.”
“Ooh, you must know your food well then Yeongmin-ssi,” Seungkwan says, and Yeongmin visibly relaxes at the light-hearted tone.
It’s clearly a relief for everyone in this room that Seungkwan is here, being the absolute master in saving any kind of awkward or uncomfortable situation. Jeonghan doesn’t want to make this lunch uncomfortable and he’s not bad at socialising, but he cannot for his life figure out what would be a ‘natural’ reaction for him that wouldn’t arouse any suspicion or concern. The autopilot that kicked in when Seungcheol first mentioned Yeongmin is not working at all, leaving Jeonghan to work this out manually, and so far every scenario or response that he thinks of sounds too formal or too cold for someone who is supposedly happy for them. All he’s done so far is murmur or exclaim in agreement, silently taking the meat that Seungcheol has pushed to his side of the grill.
Obviously his two friends notice the way he is far too quiet and are trying to prompt him to engage more. Seungkwan keeps asking for his input in things and Seungcheol has subtly drummed his fingers twice on the table to try and get his attention. A warning sound that they all use when one of them needs to tone it down or speak up.
“Oh Jeonghan hyung and I live together,” Seungkwan says in reply to Yeongmin’s question, another attempt to get Jeonghan to talk.
He can feel Seungcheol’s gaze sharpen so Jeonghan takes the bait this time, nodding as he finishes chewing his meat. He can hardly taste it.
“It’s been a while now,” he adds with a smile that he hopes is warm.
“Moving to a two person room must be such a big difference after living with everyone for so long,” Yeongmin says and it’s something that has been stated so many times, Jeonghan can finally think of something natural to say. Think of it like work. Like an interview.
“Ah of course I miss everyone sometimes. But I do have to admit I sleep much better.”
“Oh no, you’re a light sleeper?” Yeongmin asks sympathetically.
“Jeonghan is sensitive to sounds and light,” Seungcheol replies for him. It’s practically automatic. Evident that it left his mouth before his brain processed the words.
Seungcheol has always been the one to take on questions for him when he knows Jeonghan is tired of repeating the same answer. This was just another one of those common comments that Seungcheol would answer more often than not. And Jeonghan wouldn’t have spared a thought if they were in a different context.
Yeongmin stills ever so slightly the same time the meat that Seungkwan was picking up slips and lands noisily back on the grill.
It’s not necessarily something that should cause panic. It’s only a fact that is very common knowledge, even amongst their fans, but having to hear about sleeping habits of other men from your boyfriend can’t possibly feel good.
“We have heavy snorers on our team and I’ve been complaining since my trainee days,” Jeonghan explains, tapping the table.
Seungcheol instantly shoots Yeongmin a quick, worried glance, bringing his arm up to run his hand up and down his back. Jeonghan balls his hand into a fist, nails digging into his palm forcing himself to swallow down the heaviness in his throat. It’s a gesture Seungcheol does a lot to comfort someone, soothe someone, calm someone down. A way to ground whoever is on the receiving end and let them know that it’s okay, that he will be there for him.
It’s something he does to Jeonghan all the time.
Jeonghan knows exactly what it feels like to have that warm hand on your back. He knows exactly what it means when the hand stays there to massage your shoulders. He knows. And seeing such a familiar gesture being done to someone outside their circle, someone that isn’t him-
He forces himself to cut off his train of thought. He needs to continue talking. The floor is still his and if he freezes up here it could be disastrous. It will be disastrous.
He’s amazed he isn’t shaking when he wills his mouth open to speak.
“Sometimes you just have to suck it up and trudge through, which is what we ended up doing,” he continues on. His voice only wobbles on the first word which isn’t enough to give anything away. “I didn’t stop complaining though.”
Yeongmin laughs lightly but the look he gives Jeonghan has a hint more wariness to it than before. Which is probably why the next thing he does is look over at Seungcheol who still has a hand on his back, and says teasingly, “I guess I’m not the only one who gets annoyed at your snoring.”
Seungcheol pulls a face and Yeongmin laughs again, patting his cheek affectionately.
Jeonghan is suffocating. The world is closing in around him and he can feel his heart pounding in the worst way possible. Everything is too much. The way Seungcheol doesn’t shy away from the cheek pat, the way Yeongmin’s hand lingers for a second longer before sliding to his neck, the way it looks like he wants to pull him in for a kiss.
He feels a hand grip his thigh tightly and Jeonghan tries not to look too startled. He looks to his right to see Seungkwan has angled his body so his right arm can reach for the meat in the middle of the table while his left arm is in Jeonghan’s space, Seungcheol and Yeongmin unable to see him give another comforting squeeze.
“One of the biggest cons of having a big group is that sometimes, it’s exceptionally hard to find middle ground.” His tone is bright and casual.
Despite the character and image that Seungkwan shows to the public, he is extremely good at hiding his emotions in front of unfamiliar people, so Yeongmin probably has no idea how uneasy Seungkwan sounded just now. Seungcheol exchanges a quick look with Jeonghan, catching on quickly. He stands up to take the chopsticks that Seungkwan was using to flip the meat on the grill, replacing the role as the griller.
Seungkwan blinks at him in surprise and Jeonghan tugs on his sleeve gently, ever appreciative of him and his observance.
“Eat, Seungkwan-ah. You’ve been grilling all this time,” he says.
Seungcheol makes a noise of agreement. He passes one of his bigger pieces onto his plate the same time Jeonghan chucks some on too and Seungkwan lets out a giggle.
“Ooh~, my two hyungs are taking such good care of me! We definitely need to come here more often.”
“Brat,” Seungcheol and Jeonghan say simultaneously, which makes Seungkwan laugh again.
“You too Jeonghan-ah.”
Jeonghan doesn’t look up “I’ve been eating all this time.”
“Yeah, like a mouse. Eat.”
“Mice actually have very big appetites compared to how small their bodies are.”
Seungcheol huffs out a laugh of disbelief as he rolls his eyes. “Jeonghan.”
“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan mocks.
He can’t stop himself from peeking up at his friend’s face, and the soft smile on his lips makes Jeonghan’s chest ache so painfully he has to take an audible breath. Oh how unfair that Yeongmin gets to experience this after only knowing him for a couple of months. How fucking unfair that, so soon, he gets to experience Seungcheol’s love up close.
Jeonghan sees Yeongmin open his mouth to speak, but stops when all three of their phones go off at the same time. Jeonghan opens the message from the company quickly, already scanning through their new schedule, while Seungkwan and Seungcheol heave a sigh even before checking their phones.
“Duty calls,” Jeonghan says brightly, hoping it sounds more like he’s teasing his members rather than because he’s actually so fucking relieved this lunch can end now. He’s still aware enough to know to leave a polite impression, so looks at Yeongmin as he continues. “Yeongmin-ssi, thank you for inviting us today. We’ll go ahead and pay for everything as an apology for intruding.”
Yeongmin looks shocked. “Oh, oh my god no, please I'm the one that invited you. It’s really unnecessary-,”
“Ah, please. It’s the least we can do! Should’ve told you beforehand that we are huge eaters,” Seungkwan interjects, hurriedly eating the remaining pieces of meat on his plate.
“Hyung, honestly it’s fine,” Seungcheol reassures him.
Yeongmin still looks pained, probably conflicted on whether he should be paying as he is the oldest person here, but also knowing he’s with three people who can each buy their own fifty thousand dollar watch.
He sighs defeatedly.
“Next meal is on me then.”
Jeonghan has to bite his tongue back from saying he never plans on ever having another meal with him, instead saying nothing but smiling back with one of his kind expressions he uses for broadcasts.
Jeonghan pays for everyone despite Seungcheol offering he’ll pay for Yeongmin and himself. Jeonghan ignores him, one: because all he wants is for this meal to be over, two: he is not willing to witness Seungcheol being a boyfriend more than he already has. It’s petty, Jeonghan knows very well how petty he’s being when Yeongmin thanks him again as they leave the building and he pretends to act like it’s not a big deal, that he’s just trying to be polite after their first meeting, when in reality he wants to rub it in that it was him who paid for Seungcheol, and not his boyfriend.
He’s expecting Seungcheol to walk back to the HYBE building with them, so he’s surprised when he turns around to see him still by the entrance and close to Yeongmin, not looking at all like he’s moving. Yeongmin is watching him speak with a tender look, a light smile on his face, and Jeonghan has to look away before he throws something in their direction just to make him stop. Jeonghan isn’t even sure if they should be waiting for Seungcheol, but he also doesn’t want to leave them alone together. He hears them laugh about something and his insides twist uncomfortably.
“Hyung,” Seungkwan calls, snapping him out of it. “Can I make one call before we go back?”
Jeonghan nods, but then Seungkwan steps away for some more privacy, which has Jeonghan desperately wishing he didn’t go anywhere. Because now he can see Seungcheol saying something to Yeongmin, holding up one finger before heading this way. Jeonghan pretends not to notice, playing with his phone as he waits for Seungkwan to finish.
Talking with Seungcheol has always been so easy. He doesn’t know when it started to hurt.
“Jeonghan-ah.”
“Mm?”
Seungcheol doesn’t continue so Jeonghan looks up. He isn’t looking at him but Seungkwan, tongue in cheek as he thinks. He’s been wanting to talk to Jeonghan for a while, something that was obvious even without the knowledge of him and Joshua’s conversations. Jeonghan doesn’t really know what to expect. Possibly a lecture. Maybe just a straight up confrontation. Either way Jeonghan is going to have to apologise for his attitude, which he can do and will mean it, but he doesn’t know if he can apologise to his boyfriend. He doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to take it, if Seungcheol accepts the apology and does something like forgive him on behalf of Yeongmin. Just thinking about it is making his chest squeeze in an awful way that he still isn’t used to.
But all the overthinking ends up pointless when Seungcheol just watches him for a second longer before asking one question.
“Are you okay?”
And it’s karma really. Because now, the one time he’s willing to admit that he’s not okay at all, that he actually thinks he’s never been more not okay in his life, it’s Seungcheol who’s asking him.
Jeonghan had spent most nights building a wall around his heart so it would withstand anything Yeongmin related. Anytime the conversation shifted to Seungcheol and his relationship, Jeonghan had made sure his walls were thick enough to keep everything out. But they’re threatening to break down so easily, and Jeonghan doesn’t want to believe that Seungcheol has so much of an affect on him that all his tireless work simply crumples under his gaze.
“Eh, I’m just not feeling too well,” he replies. It’s still kind of true, but he knows Seungcheol will pick up the kind of not true part as well.
As expected he narrows his eyes at him.
“Yeah, Shua told me that,” he says slowly, then with more emphasis: “Twice.”
Jeonghan shrugs.
“Do you need to get something checked up?”
The temptation to fake it is so strong, just so Seungcheol will say he’ll go with him. They all see each other every day and yes, Jeonghan is the one making sure they aren’t left alone together, but there’s still hardly been any little fleeting touches or teasing smiles; the attention that he usually receives from him hasn’t been present for a while. He misses it.
And the thought strikes him so suddenly Jeonghan forgets to answer.
He misses Seungcheol.
Seungcheol is still looking at him curiously, knowing Jeonghan isn’t actually sick and something is bothering him. Usually Jeonghan could easily come up with plausible reasons as to why he is like this, reasons that even Seungcheol would believe, but each day he’s discovering newer, painful feelings towards Seungcheol and this whole situation, that he doesn’t know the correct way to cover them up.
Even now, when Seungcheol is standing right there in front of him, Jeonghan’s heart lurches forward with longing. And he’s forced to acknowledge that the walls he thought would be strong enough to protect anything from the outside, were practically useless when he was the one who was breaking them down from the inside. When it’s him that’s trying to break down the barriers just to get closer to Seungcheol.
He can’t do this. Whatever emotion Jeonghan discovered today, he can’t do this with Seungcheol and his boyfriend here. He can’t do this with Seungkwan still on his phone but looking at him with a worried look. He wants to be selfish and take Seungcheol back with him, let Yeongmin know that he belongs to them, because he could do that if he wanted to. He would say he misses him and wishes he didn’t spend as much time away and Seungcheol would come with him. Seungcheol has always put him, put them first. Right?
But he can’t do that. Not now.
“It’s just one of those times,” he says vaguely. “Don’t worry. I’ll see you at the meeting later.”
Keeping his answers purposefully ambiguous usually makes Seungcheol back off, they both know this, which is why it makes Seungcheol knit his brows together, mouth forming a thin line. Jeonghan wants to laugh at the irony in just how well this man knows him, and yet doesn’t realise that he's the reason Jeonghan feels like this.
Seungcheol sighs, giving up. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Jeonghan nods.
There's an uncomfortable silence. But Jeonghan would prefer this silence to continue eternally if he would get to stay with Seungcheol. If he could keep him here instead of watching him go back to Yeongmin.
Which is why Seungcheol is the first to speak.
“Hey, Jeonghan-ah.”
Jeonghan wishes he’d stop saying his name.
“I’m gonna stay with hyung just for a couple more minutes so you two go ahead.”
He feels like he was stabbed. An ice cold dagger has penetrated right through his walls, and Jeonghan can feel the acid seeping out. His whole body becomes uncomfortably warmer as he can feel the ugly flames in his stomach burn so bright it's agonising.
“You sure that’s a good idea? We’re in a pretty public place.”
He can’t help it. He’s being unfair by masking his reluctance as wariness. By using their status as an excuse to try and get them to spend less time together. He’s very aware that what he’s doing is a useless attempt to try and end their date. But the coal is burning so fiercely in his stomach, and lighting some of the fire to his words is the only way to keep the flames at bay.
“I know. It’s just for a chat. I won’t be late, I promise.”
Jeonghan knows that. He’s never doubted that since Seungcheol first explained his reasons. And it makes him unreasonably mad that Seungcheol would think Jeonghan would be worried about something like that. It makes him unreasonably mad that that’s why Seungcheol thinks he’s being pissy. It makes him unreasonably mad that Seungcheol doesn’t just know.
“Hey,” Seungcheol calls gently, again, misunderstanding the hardness in Jeonghan’s expression as something else.
He reaches forward and places a hand on Jeonghan’s arm in a comforting gesture, and despite it all, despite the fire in his stomach and the acid on his tongue, Jeonghan wants to melt into the touch.
“There’s nothing more important to me than our group. You know that.”
Then come back with us.
He nearly says.
Because Jeonghan knows Seungcheol would do that. He would drop everything if Jeonghan asked. If Jeonghan, who usually keeps his desires tucked away, is the one out of all people to request something from the group, Seungcheol always regards it with utmost importance. So of course he would come back if asked. Wouldn’t he?
What if he doesn’t?
“I know. We’ll see you soon then.”
Jeonghan would rather die than find out.