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"We should just order in," Wendy says with a teasing smile soon as she enters the kitchen.
"Unnie!" Yeri protests, pouting.
The kitchen is... a mess. That's a nice way to put it.
This is the first time in a long time that they've gathered at the dorm. So to celebrate it, Yeri and Seulgi volunteered to cook dinner.
Wendy should've known that nothing good ever comes out of Yeri and Seulgi in the kitchen but she let them anyway.
To be fair, Seulgi and Yeri have been living independently for more than a year now so she assumed they have somehow found their way around the kitchen.
But today she learns those two have been living off takeaways.
"Let it go, Yerim," Seulgi concedes, glancing at the pot of whatever they were cooking before she pulls out her phone.
"Why do you give up so easily?" Yeri protests, walking over from the other side of the room toward Seulgi who is standing by the stove. She takes a look at the contents of said pot, looks at Seulgi, and then makes a face.
Already on the food delivery app, Seulgi manages a thin smile and then waves up her phone at Yeri's face. "So, what should we order?"
"Tteokbokki!" Yeri gleefully replies. Scrunching her nose, she officially gives up on cooking.
"Chicken?" Wendy muses. "Let's just get something different for Joohyun-unnie."
"I'll just get a large tteokbokki and then, also chicken," Seulgi nods, already punching away at her phone.
"Where are they anyway?" Yeri asks, pulling her phone out as she makes her way to the living room.
Wendy pulls out her phone to check her messages.
I'll be a little late. Start without me but see you later.
Smiling a bit, she punches a reply. See you.
"Joohyun-unnie is going to be late," she tells the others as she walks over to the living room and then takes one of the solo seats.
"So is Sooyoung," Seulgi announces, joining Yerim on the large couch.
Wendy sighs, "How long's the food gonna be?"
Seulgi checks her phone, "30 minutes."
"Should we drink?"
Both Seulgi and Yerim grin.
"That's what I'm talking about," Yerim says.
Wendy laughs, shaking her head as she makes her way to the fridge where all their drinks are.
***
The next thing she knows, Sooyoung and Joohyun are two hours late and the three of them are already slightly buzzed.
"We shouldn't have drank that so fast," Yerim says, cringing as she downs another shot.
"Joohyun-unnie would kills us," Seulgi follows up.
Wendy only chuckles as she grabs the shot glass and pours one for herself. "It's fine, I think their schedules were extended so they probably won't make it."
"That's true," Yerim says.
"Sooyoung needs to slow down with her schedules," Wendy agrees. "She's been so busy lately."
They're seated by the living room floor, huddled around the small coffee table now filled with bottles of soju, beer, and the food they ordered from earlier. The soft, warm light emanating from of the overhead bulb makes the whole place more homey.
It's not just the mood.
It's the company, Wendy thinks. The girls' chatter plus the smell of food and drinks makes the house come alive. It's nice to have them back to the dorm.
It has only been her and Joohyun living here for so long that she has almost forgotten how lively it could get with the other girls around.
After moving back with her parents for a while, she realized it made more sense to live at the dorm because it's closer to everything.
Joohyun never really moved out of the dorm so it was just like settling back in. Then Seulgi moved out, Joy moved out, and Yerim eventually did as well.
It's been her and Joohyun for almost a year now so they have developed habits, and since they agree on almost everything, the transition was easy.
But they both miss the girls and both know the house was less lonely with them around.
Now that Seulgi and Yerim are back to hang out, Wendy feels a strange sense of peace settling at the pit of her stomach. It's like coming home to a chaotic household, but the kind that makes you want to smile.
It's nostalgic, reminding Wendy of an easier time.
It's a welcome change of pace, a nice break from the comfortable silence this home has seen for the last few months.
Smilingly, Wendy grabs her phone to check her messages while Seulgi and Yerim talk about something on Twitter. Probably a meme or something.
They go about their business for a few moments before Yerim stirs the night to the direction Wendy never, ever, wants to go.
"Oh, Taeyeon-unnie is trending."
It's like a punch to the gut.
Just hearing her name already sends Wendy to an instant catatonia.
Her entire body stops functioning altogether as she feels air get knocked out of her lungs. Wendy could tell Seulgi is looking at her while Yerim is busy with her phone.
Seulgi is the only one in the group who really knows while Yerim... Wendy's pretty sure she knows the story but she didn't hear it from her.
"They announced her comeback," Yerim says again, her eyes still on her phone. Still oblivious to the growing tension around the room.
Part of Wendy wants to ask. She has always been a fan of her music. But it's hard to think about her voice without hurting.
She sighs.
It's funny how said woman could occupy the room without being in the room. Like, how is that possible? How could she still affect Wendy this much?
"Have you heard her comeback song?" Seulgi asks Yeri.
Yeri sighs, finally looking up at them, "No. She's being super secretive about it. It's weird."
"That's odd."
"I know!"
Wendy feels her heart race, like something is stuck at the base of her throat. There's anger, there's hurt; but there's also this feeling... of something she cannot describe.
Like she has something so important in her hands but she doesn't know what to do with it.
"I—uh," Wendy croaks, swallowing an invisible lump in her throat. "I'm gonna get more beer."
Wendy attempts to stand up but Yeri is quick to grab her by the wrist. "No, unnie. We—" she gestures amongst the three of them, "—are gonna talk about this."
"About what?" she asks in an attempt to delay the inevitable, hoping her voice doesn't shake.
"Come on, unnie," Yeri says, giving her a knowing look.
"Yerim—" Seulgi warns. She knows it's a touchy subject.
But something in Yeri's eyes tells Wendy she's out for blood. Their maknae merely gives Seulgi a look.
"It's just us here," she states. "You can talk about Taeyeonnie. I know it from her side. It's wild I know it from her side and not yours."
"Wow," Wendy chuckles nervously, taken aback by how Yeri said that so casually.
Red Velvet's main singer sinks back to her seat on the floor, her shoulders slacking in defeat. She cannot escape this.
Not today.
Not anymore.
All of a sudden, another voice chimes in.
"I'm here and I agree with Yerim, it is time to spill," says the newcomer—Joy—who's got droopy eyes, tired from her schedule, but still very much here.
Joy smirks playfully, then winks at Wendy.
See, Wendy talks to Seulgi about Taeyeon. And she talks to Sooyoung about... other people. She likes to compartmentalize, okay?
She does this hoping this day will never come and yet, here they are. Two different stories meeting in the middle.
"You know we can still choose a different topic," Wendy tries one final time to wiggle her way out of it.
"No, I'm not gonna accept that today," Yeri manages a tight-lipped smile. "I mention you one time and Taeyeonnie froze like she saw a ghost, which you did just now—and I'm not gonna stand here and live separate lives because you're both my unnie. I cannot live in two homes without knowing why two homes aren't speaking to one another."
Seulgi looks lost. "What?"
Yeri consoles her, "It's a metaphor, Seulgi-unnie. Just go along with it."
"I need to know, too," Sooyoung joins in, plopping next to Seulgi and instantly leaning her head on the dancer's shoulder. "I'm so tired but I went here so I can hear the story."
"Wait—" Wendy is now officially confused. Did they plan this? "What? What story?"
"I planned on ditching you all so I can go home and rest. But Yerim texted me and said that if we ganged up on you, you will eventually start talking."
Seulgi's eyes are wide, defensive, "I'm not in on it."
"She's in on it," Yeri quickly counters. "We have a group chat."
Seulgi gasps, "You said you will ask her some questions! Not gang up on her!"
"That's the same thing," Joy and Yeri say in unison.
Wendy sighs, almost about to give up.
"It was fine, you know," Yerim says softly. "If it wasn't for Got the Beat, we would've all easily moved on with our lives. But you just had to be in the same unit and the kids just had to notice."
"Kids?"
Seulgi manages a small, sad smile, "Minjeong noticed."
Wendy sighs in defeat, "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't want to be in the unit."
"Neither did she and somehow, you two ended up there," Yeri says matter-of-factly.
"Unnie, what happened?" Joy finally asks. She really isn't one to beat around the bush.
Wendy chances a glance at Seulgi who gives her an encouraging a nod. "It's time to tell them."
Deep down, Wendy knows it's unfair to keep them in the dark. But that's how she's always protected her peace.
She's kept all her ghosts in different rooms of her life so they don't have to exist in places where other people could see. It was easier.
If you keep the ghosts in different places, the whole house looks less haunted. The whole house looks less sad.
Now, her ghosts are here, asking to be seen.
Wendy's lips quiver a bit, nervous. But she's mostly clueless. She doesn't know how to navigate this.
It's hard to tell this story without rehashing her wounds. Opening up, after all, is a form of bleeding.
But thank God for Park Sooyoung.
The younger girl slides her a full shot and says in a low voice, "If I have to, I can take her down. Height advantage."
There was a second where nothing happens, but then they all come to the realization at the same time.
That was all they needed to break into a full laugh.
Yeri and Seulgi break into loud laughter. Yeri even hurls a napkin right at Joy's face and Seulgi pushes her slightly.
Wendy is laughing at this point, too; now slowly forgetting why she didn't want to tell them in the first place.
They are her friends.
This is a safe space.
She takes a deep breath, takes a shot, and downs it in one go.
"To be honest, I don't know what happened," she starts, her hands finding the hem of her shirt. She starts anxiously fiddling with it. "We were getting close."
"You were close," Joy emphasizes, her gaze faraway as if she's recalling a memory. "I remember she always picks you up after dance rehearsals."
Wendy sighs heavily, "We were getting close. We would hang out at her place, at my place. We went on weekend getaways. We would spend nights and days talking. When she's overseas, we talked on the phone for hours despite the time difference—" she catches her breath. "It's like we were dating."
"'Like we were dating?'" Yeri echoes, "What does that mean?"
"Forgive her, unnie," Sooyoung shakes her head. "Sometimes I forget she is young and don't know that relationships are very complicated."
"I, of all people in this room, know that relationships can be very complicated," Yeri argues, raising an eyebrow.
"Can we just please focus?" Seulgi pleads, now looking more confused than she was earlier.
"We never put a name to it," Wendy continues. "But I knew it and she knew it, and it went on for a while."
"This was before Got the Beat?" Yerim asks.
Wendy nods, "The breakup was fresh when we recorded Step Back."
"Nasty," Joy sighs and takes a shot. "I'm sorry, unnie. But why do you say breakup like it was some novelty thing?"
"Because it wasn't a breakup, per se. Not really," Wendy explains. "There was no relationship in the first place. She just..." tears finally well up in her eyes, "...left."
Seeing how emotional Wendy has gotten, Yeri immediately perks up on her seat and scoots closer to the older girl.
"She ghosted you?" Joy asks, her mouth hanging open.
"I guess?" Wendy responds, unsure. "I'm not entirely sure."
Wendy is rendered speechless for a moment.
Is that what happened? Did she ghost her?
She never really asked, never really allowed herself to wonder. She coped by just moving past it.
They never see each other at the company anyway. Their circles are very different so not seeing her was easy.
She had spent the past year convincing herself that it happens, that all relationships run out of its course.
They end and that's just it.
She didn't want to dwell on it.
Until the unit came along and she had no choice but to see her again, and everyday poke the wounds she has been trying to heal.
Now, she's here, talking about her; and is that what happened?
Did she ghost her?
"I don't believe that," Yeri says to no one in particular. Now, it's her who looks lost. "Taeyeonnie, she..."
It's like she cannot believe it.
Joy gives her hand a light tap, "It's okay, Yerim. Sometimes we think we know people but we really don't."
Silence embraces the room for a long while.
Yeri is in a state of shock, trying to understand everything. She's close with Taeyeon so she probably knows her side of the story. Wendy is tempted to ask but she doesn't. She has gotten this far without looking back and never knowing the answers to her questions.
She isn't about to take a few steps back just to get hurt again.
Joy, on the other hand, is just tired and sympathetic while Seulgi just looks at Wendy like she's sorry for her.
And Wendy hates it.
She hates that they now know. They know now that she didn't mean shit to her.
"Did you love her?" Seulgi asks.
Somehow, Wendy knows she's always been curious. Seulgi knows about them but they never really talked about how deep Wendy fell.
"Love?" Wendy hesitates. "I don't know."
That one's a lie.
An act of self-preservation.
Of course, without a doubt, she love(ds) her. It wouldn't have hurt this much if she didn't.
Yerim rests her head on Wendy's shoulder, mirroring Sooyoung and Seulgi across the table. "Are you still hurting?"
"Sometimes," Wendy responds, shifting her gaze away from the prying eyes of her members.
"Sometimes?" Sooyoung asks.
"Most of the time," the singer confirms.
Silence embraces the room once more. None of the three other girls had words to say.
It's a terrible story.
Even without the details, you could tell the breakup did a number on Wendy. What do you even say to that?
"But I'm okay," Wendy says, forcing a smile. "I will be."
"You know that what she did doesn't define your worth, right?" Joy encourages, eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Wendy chuckles bitterly but she doesn't say anything. She merely nods, choking back a sob.
It's funny because when people walk out on you like that, it becomes easy to believe that she isn't someone worth taking a chance on.
All she's seen are people walking out, their backs turned from her.
All she's known are people who love her, but just not enough. Not enough to stick around, or stand beside her when the ground shakes under her feet.
Maybe there is another place and time where she is enough, but that's just not now. Not here.
Maybe she will spend her entire life searching for her place in this world.
"I'm sorry, I'm late," a new, familiar voice joins in and suddenly, everyone pretends like their hearts aren't breaking a little bit for Wendy.
"Joohyunnie," Yeri mutters, her lips curving into a little smile.
"Did you bring the ice cream?" Seulgi asks, shaking her head as if to shake her body out of the sadness they were almost sinking into just a few minutes earlier.
Irene nods, smiling, "What did I miss?"
"Not much," Wendy responds, shuffling on her seat to make space for Irene.
Not one girl in the room says anything else, all in understanding it's time to change the topic.
It's not that they don't want to tell Irene. She is their friend and she would protect Wendy with the same intensity, if not with something stronger.
It's just that Irene looks at Wendy like she means the world to her. But she looks away, every time.
Pretty much the same way Taeyeon walked out that day.
***
The night concludes late so they all just decided to spend the night at the dorm.
It was kinda funny.
Yeri, Seulgi, and Joy all complained non-stop once they stepped inside their old rooms again. They cannot believe they used to live in such small spaces.
Perhaps that's the perk of getting to where they are now.
They're freer.
They're now responsible for their own choices.
It's easy to look back at the past if you're in a better place.
The lights are off around the house but Wendy is wide awake by the outdoor patio. The string lights are lit around her, matching her gloomy mood and the cold of the night.
It's not wise to sit outside at this time in February but Wendy, sometimes, chooses her own suffering. As most people do.
She looks up at the dark sky, recalling the events of the night. She reminds herself that the truth is out in the open now.
That what happened between her and Taeyeon now exists outside the rooms of her mind. That the ghost roaming around her house can be seen by other people now.
Her pain is no longer just hers.
She fiddles with her phone for a bit, thinks about what would happen if she called her.
Will she pick up?
Will the other girl rush to the phone and tell her she's sorry?
The better part of Wendy knows the older woman won't pick up. If she had mattered to her at all, she would've made that call herself a long time ago.
Wendy unlocks her phone and somehow, she finds herself on the singer's Instagram account. Her comeback announcement is there.
INVU.
She bets it's gonna be a hit.
Taeyeon looks great, too.
Breathtaking.
Like she knows the power she holds.
Wendy smiles a bit.
The girl in the photos don't match the girl she knows. Soft, compassionate, and one who always laughs at her jokes no matter how bad they get.
Her soft hands; the smell of her perfume; and the sound of her voice when she's singing in the kitchen, thinking no one's listening.
She remembers these like it all happened yesterday.
She remembers her like she was hers.
A tear finally escapes her eye and she's quick to wipe it with the back of her hand.
"Wild, isn't it?" a soft voice comes in out of the blue. "How someone could mean so much to you that it hurts?"
Wendy looks behind her and sees Joy walking toward her, a large padded coat wrapped around her on top of her pyjamas.
The taller girl takes the seat next to Wendy, then hands her a hot pack.
"Why are you still up?" Wendy asks, ignoring the question. She has nothing to say about that anyway.
She takes the hot pack and quickly clasps it with both hands.
Joy shrugs, "Can't sleep. I needed to ask you one thing."
"You scare me, Park Sooyoung."
The younger girl smirks, smug, "Glad I have that effect on you."
Wendy only rolls her eyes, "What is it?"
"How did it start?"
"How did what start?"
"You and Taeyeon-unnie. You've known each other forever. I can't pinpoint a time when I know for sure that things have changed."
Wendy thinks about it.
She doesn't really know when things started to change.
"I don't know. One day, she went from someone I just knew to someone I can't stop thinking about and—" a pause, "I knew I was in trouble."
Joy smiles sadly.
She doesn't pry—really not the type to do so, "I just realized this while I was getting ready for bed. We talked about how it ended, you know. The things that hurt. But there was a time when it felt good, that you were happy. I wanna know about that, too."
This makes Wendy smile, "You're a romantic."
Joy laughs, "I'm not. Just that, I remember when she picked you up after rehearsals. You smiled so big when you get the message that she's waiting downstairs. And do you know how creepy it is when you show genuine emotions?"
Wendy laughs, loud and big this time. "It's not that creepy!"
The younger girl is laughing with her, "It was creepy! Yerim and I would exchange looks all the time. But we were happy because you obviously are—genuinely so. I don't think I have ever seen you so happy, you know."
"Yeah," she lets out a heavy breath. "I was happy."
In a twisted sense, Wendy would say there was love there. Even in its most brutal heartbreak, there was love in that story.
They were there. They tried. They were happy.
Sometimes, love is simply just that.
Joy breaks the momentary silence, "So, yes. It's bittersweet. And I'm, in no way, trying to romanticize it. But it meant something to you. It hurts now, but it also made you happy. That's important, too."
Wendy doesn't say anything. She likes that Joy always finds these little threads of silver lining in any situation, and maybe someday, Wendy will share the same sentiment.
But right now, the happiness she felt feels far away.
They were there. They tried. They were happy.
She left.
Sometimes, love is simply just that.
Now, when she thinks of Taeyeon, she thinks about the day she left. She thinks about waking up alone after the night they shared. She thinks about the three straight days that followed after.
She didn't hear from her at all. No texts. No messages.
All she had were missed calls and messages left on "Read."
Three straight days when Wendy wandered around, thinking about what she means to her. Wondering about her worth.
If she had imagined all of it.
On the fourth day, she finally gets a text message: let's end this. i'm sorry.
And see, that's what hurts the most. To have all this place saved in her heart for this one person, to have all this love and no one to give it to.
Taeyeon didn't even have it in her to say it to her face.
Wendy swallows a lump in her throat, trying to keep her emotions at bay.
She looks away, her gaze directed toward the sky. She tries to blink her tears away.
Joy asked, when did it start?
And a bitter taste instantly crawls up her throat because somehow, she still remembers.
***
A few years ago
The night when everything changed
Wendy shivers as she steps out into the night, opening the heavy door of the rooftop and being met with the harsh wind of the winter.
Note to self: do not attend birthday parties in the middle of comeback promotions.
"Ugh," she mutters under her breath, pulling her coat closer to herself.
It was Yeri's idea to attend this party.
A staff member close to Red Velvet is celebrating her birthday and they were supposed to leave early but it's close to midnight now, and Wendy can't find Yeri anywhere.
She is tired and exhausted—but that's not the reason she decided to head up to this rooftop even though she knows the cold will bite. Maybe, in the end, we all choose our own suffering.
At least here, it's quiet.
No loud, banging music. No sound of chatter could be heard. No forced interactions.
Here, she can try to calm her heart.
Here, she can allow herself to just be.
Wendy finds a seat in one of the corners of the rooftop.
It's not well-lit but from there, you could see the entire neighborhood. Calm, collected—like everything is right in the world.
Wendy tries to save this picture in her memory: one cold night early in December where everything was okay.
It's like the first few seconds in the morning when you wake up. Three seconds where your life is put on hold, where everything that's wrong is not wrong; and your world is just the way you like it.
Three short seconds of pure control before you you truly wake up and face the day.
She releases a breath, feeling a bit moved.
When she's alone like this, she always tries to count her blessings. She tries to look back at her life and think about the good. It's how she stays sane.
It's how she makes herself believe that everything's going to be fine.
Looking ahead down the dimly lit street, she makes a list of things she likes about her life.
She likes the sound of the city in the morning. She likes the smell of brewed coffee that hits her senses soon as she exits her room. She likes the smiles of her co-members when they gather in the kitchen for a short chat.
She likes to be on stage. She likes singing in front of people. She likes singing when she's alone.
Wendy has little pockets of happiness everywhere and this moment, this night is another one of those.
It has been a while since her mind slowed down. Idol life really has a way of making you run.
Most days, you run the fastest you can thinking you're headed toward a finish line but what awaits you is simply a new starting line.
It's just one race after the other and Wendy... Wendy is tired.
Red Velvet has been running in full speed for the last few years. All blood and sweat poured into their music, their dance, their shows, and so much more that Wendy often wonders where she gets it.
All the love she's so willing to give, where does she store it in her body?
Where does she pull it from when it's herself who needs it?
Silence embraces her for a few minutes and for those few minutes, she allows herself to get lost.
But the tranquility doesn't last very long because the door to the rooftop hastily opens and in comes another person, rushing toward the edge of the rooftop, gasping for air.
The woman leans by the edge of the rooftop. It's as if she's ready to scream but she doesn't have any strength left to do it.
Wendy could tell in her body language that she's about to cry her heart out.
The thing is, she knows her. And she has never seen her like... this.
At this point, she doesn't know if she should announce herself or quietly leave. The person is obviously unaware of her presence, thinks she's alone so she lets her guard down.
She's leaning by the railing of the rooftop, breathing heavily. Wendy is sure she's crying.
Wendy decides to leave, doesn't really want to interrupt the woman's private moment. She knows how rare it is for idols to be alone.
Especially for her.
Especially for Kim Taeyeon, arguably the most highly regarded idol in all of South Korea.
Wendy stands up and makes a move to go. But before she does so, she notices that the older woman is shivering in the cold. She's only down to her sweats without a coat on, her small frame obviously trembling with every gush of the wind.
In the future, Wendy will realize that maybe she should've really left right at that moment but today, she chooses the opposite. She is just human after all, and we are all just slaves to our mind.
"Taeyeon-unnie?" she calls out softly, careful not to startle the other woman.
The woman visibly freezes but she doesn't turn to Wendy right away.
"Seungwan?" she asks, her voice trembling just a bit.
"It's just me," she says gently, both an introduction and an assurance. It's just me.
She takes slow and careful steps toward the other woman. She doesn't stand near her but instead stops just a few steps behind her, aware of their boundaries.
"Here, take my jacket," she offers, taking off her padded jacket and hands it to the older woman. "It's really cold out here."
Taeyeon doesn't turn around but Wendy sees her nod. The older soloist takes the jacket without completely turning around and Wendy takes that as her cue to leave. "I was just leaving," she says.
Before she could turn around, she hears Taeyeon ask, "What were you doing here?"
Wendy stops on her tracks and responds, "Just clearing my head, is all. It's pretty noisy downstairs."
"It is," Taeyeon agrees quietly.
At this point, Wendy isn't sure what she's supposed to do next. Should she leave?
More importantly, can she stay? Is it okay to stay?
Is it okay to be here for her?
She's wondering about these things, so she asks.
"Are you okay?"
It was pretty straightforward. Kind of scary, too, to be honest. You never really know how people would respond to that question.
Wendy is expecting her to say she's okay.
She has known her awhile and she doesn't always show emotions. In a way, they are similar. Always just giving people what they expect out of them.
In that sense, she completely gets it.
"Just needed a breather," Taeyeon responds.
Wendy takes this as the cue to join her by the edge of the rooftop. She stands next to her, leaning on the railing. She leaves a healthy gap between them.
Taeyeon turns to her, eyes glistening from a fresh cry. "You're not cold?"
Wendy smiles, "Pfft—this is nothing compared to Canada."
The truth is, it's freezing and her knees are actually buckling to the cold but she's never ever going to admit that.
"Ah, I almost forgot."
"In fact, I'm sweating. It's so hot," she jokes.
It works because the next thing she knows, Taeyeon is laughing. Something about the sound of the older woman's laugh just makes her heart swell.
They both allow the silence to settle after that laugh.
For some reason, Wendy's heart starts hammering against her chest. It's the first time she's seeing her sunbae in this light.
She has known her as a mentor and as someone she looks up to. She'd even say she knows her as a friend because of the number of times they've hung out with their members.
But it was never this close. Never this intimate.
It's like seeing her for the very first time.
"How's the comeback going?" Taeyeon checks in.
"Fun but also really tiring," Wendy answers honestly.
"I get that."
"Do you miss it?" Wendy implores.
"Miss what?"
"Group activities."
Taeyeon smiles in this really nostalgic way, "Sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
"Most of the time," she confirms with small smile. "It was easier."
"I don't know how you handled being in the room all the time with the same seven people. I'm with four and I almost killed Yerim today."
Taeyeon cracks up, "I was with that child last week, I almost killed her, too. I think it's a Yerim problem."
Wendy can't help but laugh, "She's a menace."
"She's Hyoyeon and Sooyoung in one small body, that's so scary."
This time, both women are laughing at their small common ground. It takes them a moment to snap out of it but they eventually do; and what follows is silence.
A comfortable silence settles between them with the faint sound of the party below them just disappears into the night.
It's nice to be alone with someone like this. Perhaps it's not of the best circumstances but something about the older woman calms her down.
It's like Taeyeon is there to complete this picture of solitude.
A lone soul to occupy this quiet space.
Wendy decides she doesn't mind the company.
"Do ever realize how lonely you are?" Taeyeon asks out of the blue, her voice sounds like she's wondering. She also sounds sad.
And it absolutely knocks the air out of Wendy's lungs.
It's mind-blowing how easily you can spot sadness even when you're not particularly looking for it.
"Don't answer that. It was a weird question."
Wendy shakes her head, "I don't think it was a weird question. It strangely makes sense."
"Makes sense? How?"
"That we're alone in a rooftop at the beginning of winter when there's a whole party downstairs? And you asking about loneliness and such."
"Hmm," Taeyeon hums. "You're right."
The older woman doesn't really say anything after that.
Quiet girl, she is. Wendy notes.
But she feels compelled to say something.
"I went up here because I didn't want to be there," she admits, her gaze faraway. "I realized I don't want to be anywhere these days."
"Why?"
Wendy shrugs, "Because everywhere is sad and I'm only okay with being sad if I'm the one doing that to myself. Does that make sense?"
"To be sad but still be in control of your own sadness?"
This time, the Red Velvet singer chuckles, "Oh, you put that so nicely."
"Been there a few times," Taeyeon shares with a sad smile.
"It's like, I'm with all these people and I feel so unhappy," Wendy admits with a sigh. Probably the first time, too.
She sees Taeyeon hesitate for a few seconds but the other woman presses on.
"It's almost one full year since my friend passed," Taeyeon says, her voice quiet and low. "I was in that party and the thought of him crossed my mind because of a song. I it reminded me about all these lost places. Places I'll never go to with this version of me now, and the versions of me that I'll never get to be."
It tears Wendy apart, the sadness she feels from just the way Taeyeon remembers her friend.
She steps closer to her, a knee-jerk reaction.
"I'm okay most days," Taeyeon says, probably more to herself. "The hardest parts of grieving are past me now but it's this longing, I think. I couldn't shake it off. Thinking about all the versions of him that I'll never meet."
"I don't think it ever goes away," Wendy reckons, gathering all her strength to take one more step toward her sunbae. "—the longing for the versions of ourselves we never got to be. For the lost places. Isn't that a way to get to know ourselves, too? Between everything we have and what we don't... some aches simply have no resolution."
She could tell she hit a nerve.
All of a sudden, she feels Taeyeon's eyes on her.
The stare is so intense that it makes Wendy laugh nervously. "What?" she asks laughingly, turning to Taeyeon who's also starting to smile.
"That was deep," Taeyeon grins.
Wendy rolls her eyes playfully, "This is your fault."
The sad, somber moment from earlier is suddenly broken by this spell that seems to bind them both.
There's something about Taeyeon's smile that just makes Wendy's heart skip a beat.
"Some aches have no resolution," Taeyeon repeats. But she's smiling.
"Why are you saying that with a smile?" Wendy chuckles, her jaw is really starting to hurt. "You're so weird, unnie."
Taeyeon laughs, "No, I just—it's nice to know someone understands."
"Yeah?"
"It's hard to tell people I'm sad, you know," she breathes. "They always try to cheer me up. Sometimes, all I want is someone who knows my longing has no end."
"Maybe, it has an end. Maybe, it changes in form," Wendy shrugs. "But loneliness is a quiet little thing. Sometimes we have to sit with it, other times, we run with it."
"You're very wise," Taeyeon tells her.
"Now, you're just saying things."
"I mean it," the soloist reassures her. "You say good words. You should write songs."
Wendy visibly cringes, "What if I suck at it?"
"Why do you think you'll be bad at it?"
Red Velvet's singer shrugs, "I don't think I'm good at anything other than singing."
"Hmm," Taeyeon nods tentatively, like she's thinking. Wendy doesn't know if she's agreeing or not.
Wendy uses this opportunity to take a real good look at the woman.
She's leaning toward the railing of the rooftop with Wendy's jacket hung by her shoulders. Her gaze is far away, like she's lost in thought.
Taeyeon seems to feel a little better now, her eyes no longer filled with unshed tears.
There's a part of Wendy that's still in disbelief about seeing her so vulnerable like this. She's always been like a rock to her hoobaes, a steady image of strength and an inspiration when idol life gets hard.
Another part of Wendy gets it—that we all have sides we don't show easily to other people. It will be completely foolish to see one side of a person and confuse it for the whole.
She gets it because she is like that, too.
After a few moments, Taeyeon breaks the silence.
"Who knows if you're good or bad at it? You'll never know until you pick up the pen and actually write," the older woman tells her.
Wendy chuckles, "That's very old-school, unnie. I would actually use a laptop now."
This makes Taeyeon laugh, hard; a full belly laugh that resounds in every corner of Wendy's being. This warmth creeps all over skin. It's almost like a hug.
The older woman punches her lightly in the arm, "You keep ruining the moment."
"I'm sorry—" except she's not. She'd keep ruining moments to hear her laugh, just to hear that warm sound all over again. She'd allow it to consume her time and time again.
Perhaps, this was the very first sign that she's in trouble.
The sign was big and it was written in red, and still, Wendy completely misses it.
"I stand by it, though," Taeyeon tries to pivot them back. "I think you have a gift. You have to trust that even if your knees are shaking."
Now, that. That hit her hard.
It renders Wendy speechless.
Taeyeon smirks, sensing she hit a nerve, "When one of our members left, the group had a long talk about where we're going next. It wasn't hard to continue what we were doing but when that whole thing blew up, we felt like we lost our sense of self. You identify as 9 your whole life, telling your story as 8 becomes a little challenging."
Wendy listens.
None of the members of Taeyeon's group ever talked about that to anyone outside of the people who know.
"But we pressed on, all eight of us deciding to commit to the group even when abandoning it felt safer," she recalls, smiling just a bit. "Then, that night, Tiffany said something that we all held on to for the years that came."
Wendy waits.
She really paused for the suspense.
Wendy chuckles, "You are so infuriating, unnie."
Taeyeon laughs, again, the sweet melody making a home in Wendy's heart, "She said, in English: do the thing, say the thing, share the thing. The thing can be anything."
Wendy smiles but she doesn't say anything. For the first time in her whole life, she's thinking of writing her own songs. A full album full of words she's never allowed herself to say out loud.
Do the thing. Say the thing. Share the thing.
The thing can be anything.
"Well, I guess I gotta go write bad songs now," she kids, attempting to dial down the emotions that's slowly building up inside her.
"I don't think it'll be bad work," Taeyeon says. "Not for me if it's you."
There it is.
The butterflies in her stomach.
What is this feeling?
Perhaps, this was the second warning.
But all the same, Wendy ignores it.
"You wanna keep talking about deep things but with food and drinks?" she offers.
Taeyeon turns to her, smiling, "What do you have in mind?"
"I know a place nearby. We can go there and not return to the party."
"Yerim?"
Wendy scoffs playfully, "She's a grown up and she's also the devil. She'll be fine. I'll ask the manager to drive her back to the dorm."
"I'll drive us," Taeyeon offers. "Then, I'll drive you home."
Something about it just makes Wendy's heart beat mad, "Okay."
"Let's go?" Taeyeon asks, extending her hand to the younger girl.
Wendy takes it without any hesitations.
In the future, she'll look back to this day and she will think how simply walking away could've saved her a heartbreak.
But for now, Taeyeon's hand is warm in hers—and sometimes, that's all that matters.
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