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Outside the window, cold wind blew the droplets along the dirty glass. The pitter-patter of rain and winter had come again, and the clacking of the train tracks joined with the gentle flashing of passing lights to signal the passage back to my lifelong home. I was having trouble staying awake as I travelled to see my family for Christmas. Them, and the lazy warmth of the family living room. Many winters had now passed by with Adachi by my side, but on this trip I had come alone. That was what I wanted. I had decided something and I wouldn't change it.
The distance between my family and myself had been growing as I got older. Myself? More like ourselves: Adachi and I weren't separable. We hadn't been for a long time now. She was part of my life and part of me. Though she would never admit it, not being able to hide much of anything I knew that compartmentalising that part of us away from my family hurt Adachi sometimes. ...And me. It was isolating. She wanted to shout out her love to the whole world. Sometimes she actually did. I had always gone along with the flow in situations like those, but this time I'd be the one making the waves.
At least I would be if I wasn't staring at the door I had entered from. Lost in thought, I had already arrived.
"I'm home." Turning around and looking into the hallway, I announced myself.
Ah, such cosy warmth. Judging by the shoe rack everyone would be home. Mom, dad, my sister. And...? And. Never mind. I added my own footwear to complete the set.
"Welcome baaaack." Mom was there to welcome me inside, the same as ever. Maybe I didn't live here anymore, but all of a sudden it really felt like I had never left. It happened every time: that's what coming home was.
We idly talked for a little while as we ate dinner together. I wasn't much of a talker, still. At work they called me Miss Nothing-Much - and even though I remembered the phrase I didn't remember who said it. That part of me probably would probably never change now. Always there'd be room for my family though. And Adachi of course. I didn't have much more room inside me than that for other people, but I needed them all anyway.
Quite the rigid container was I.
It had gotten dark outside. All of us were relaxing, just doing our own thing. That's how it was in the idle times of this household. Comfortable warmth where I could truly relax and simply exist. Except today I really couldn't, because... Because. That.
I slammed my fist into my palm. Right. Now or never.
Now.
"Mom, there's something I need to tell you." The prey animal exposed on the plain.
"Ooh?" The bird of prey contemplating its strike.
That I would be caught was a foregone conclusion here. Catch me already, mom.
I gathered my courage as I shifted in my seat, clasping my hands together as I squinted to myself. Ugh... Such difficulty. I needed Adachi's bravery here. Why didn't I bring her? Could I even do this? I was running out of breath before I even spoke. But-- I couldn't stand to have her witness what I feared could happen next. Yes. Right. I had to. I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to let it out. I had to open my heart and let the light shine out of it: for once, to take that chance with someone other than Adachi.
"Adachi and me..." I swallowed. "She's my girlfriend."
No... Not just that. Adachi is...
"I love her, Mom. I love her more than anything."
I became as rigid as a boulder and about as still. I had said it openly. Right? Yes. Barely. I did. Never before had I dared say those words in my home. The me that was fully me was sitting in front of my family like an exposed statue. Staring with unblinking eyes fixed at the floor, the words were already out and I couldn't put them back. I felt blood rushing in my ears. My cheeks were on fire. Had Adachi ever been this colour? Stupid question. Absolutely idiotic.
I looked upward only to see my mom blinking with surprise. For some reason I couldn't bear it for long. Waiting to be popped like a balloon, my head quickly sunk forward into my knees. Had I made a terrible mistake? Pain was inevitable in life. I should have buried it like I always did. ...But, for her, I would not do that anymore. That's what I had decided. I wouldn't allow something so utterly beautiful be shrouded away in darkness.
"Is that what's been bothering you all day?" My mom looked at me at first with amusement and then with pity. Then the laughter came.
"Hahahaaaa!"
Was this it? The last visit I'd ever make to my first beloved home? My dad and my sister were gently laughing along with mom. My heart sank as I stared at the floor without seeing. So often I had feared this moment that I could barely let myself even imagine it. Truthfully I just hadn't imagined it at all. But-- Sooner or later they were going to find out about Adachi. The real Adachi and the real me. We lived together. We were so close, so intertwined it was hard to avoid showing it. And no boyfriend was ever going to walk through that door and greet my family. I didn't want anyone else - ever. I chose Adachi and she chose me. I truly loved her, every part of me did. Whatever that meant, whatever it cost, I would choose Adachi.
My mom looked at me with her head turned sideways, puzzling at me. My dad shook his head and gave my mom a sly glance. My sister was groaning.
"You thought we didn't suspect it? Hoho." My mom was looking gleeful. My dad nodded and shrugged with a gentle smile. "Mm. Yeah. We know."
"When you first brought Adachi home, you seemed a lot happier. We were worried about you back then, before that... but we didn't worry long. I've seen that smile before."
Dad was talking seriously, looking at my mother with an unfamiliar expression. He never did that.
Somehow I got the feeling it wasn't my parents' first discussion about this subject.
While I sat there not knowing what to do, my strange mother was leaping around and knocking things over, as usual, like I hadn't said anything at all. She looked at me, and suddenly took my hand, lifting it up above my head. "Go Hougeeeeeetsu!!"
Hmmm. Hmmm...
"Woo! I knew I was right to get to know that woman. Mmm." Holding her chin and nodding as if she had become a wise old sage, her presence itself a graceful gift to this world. It certainly wasn't. What was she even talking about?
"Hougetsu... it's been six years now hasn't it? Seven? So... does Adachi still bring you flowers? Hmm?" First she shook her head in mock disappointment, then a devilish smile began to grow. The aura of mischief coming off this woman was becoming a thick miasma. Yet, I somehow felt that it had become much easier to breathe.
"...Yes." We both did that. Had they really known for so long? I barely knew it myself all the way back then. No. Maybe? I had always been that way, when I thought about it. Even Adachi's light couldn't shine through me that quickly, bright as it was. I was always the last to experience these revelations about myself. Was it that easy...? Did they really know? What did they know, exactly? I was being bombarded by the ridiculously troublesome situation I had wedged myself into. The flowers, right, the flowers... And that was hardly all. So much awkwardness back then...
I struggled to swallow a great big lump as a recalled a particularly fateful incident in the bathtub upstairs.
"Did we really raise such an idiot? My, my. Even I have my failings after all." She bore her knuckles into my head. Owww. No matter how old I got, it was always like this. Well, I was pretty happy about that right now.
"Ah, young love. We're rooting for you two! Why do you think I got to know her mother better? Really now, I didn't know a full grown woman could be such an idiot. She's quite an idiot too, but I'm talking about you here. A whole different kind of density, isn't it?" I felt a jab in my side. Ouch. If this kept up I was surely leaving with bruises tomorrow.
Slowly, very slowly, it had been crushing me. I barely even knew the weight was there until it had been cast off my shoulders. Was this what Adachi felt when she confessed her love to me all those years ago? Scary. So scary. It must have been something like that, huh? It was so hard to let such an important feeling fly out into the world when it could flop onto the ground like a floundering carp. An old guilt came back me for a moment, flailing as pointlessly as my imagination. Her courage truly was incredible. I had already known before the Adachi beam was fired at full power back then, under the fireworks. I had it easy, didn't I? I really, truly, absolutely had been blessed. Maybe I shouldn't tease her so much when I got back to our apartment. Yeah. Yeah... I was trying to convince myself. ...But that wouldn't happen.
Ah. Right. I had asked Adachi to stay back at home in our apartment. This was something I wanted to do alone, something delicate and familial. I wouldn't allow her to be burdened by this; besides, she wasn't one given to finesse in these situations. Her love for me was sometimes overwhelming, and at times it felt I would surely disappoint the titanic expectations she must have. But that somehow never happened. It had only grown over the years, and holding back wasn't something she would do for anyone if it was about us. If things had gone poorly the whole house might just have been obliterated had she been here. That woman of mine was certainly powerful... And just as beautiful.
"Take care of that girl. Someday I want to see the two of you in white dresses together. Yes, yes! Someday soon, right? Aren't you going on a big trip soon? Oooohhhh...!" Her tone lowered as she winked at me with half closed eyes. The pain. Good grief. So stunned was I by what had just been blurted out I couldn't even speak. I could feel my face flushing as my eyes bulged. Adachi... Please swap places with me right now. I'll pay you back in pre-licked ice-creams.
"Oh, look at you! You're thinking about her right now aren't you? Huh huh huh... of course, of course. Hehe! How wonderful! This is really bringing me back." She was looking back at dad, slapping my shoulder as she spilled forth this intolerable nonsense. The tempest of overbearing motherhood was shaking me like a ragdoll in body and mind.
"Bleurgh. Knock it off already."
Dad interjected: "I'm quite sure she doesn't even remember what she's talking about..."
"Of course I do!! ...It was that time... The bambooo...?! Um, anyway...!" Mom momentarily struggled. When it came to things like this she was even worse than I was.
"You have to bring her with you next time, Hougetsu. I want to meet her." So embarrassing.
"You've already met her... Many times." Clearly my weary growling was insufficient defence against this feral creature, but I had to try didn't I?
"Oho. But not like this. Bring her, bring her! Should we tell her mother too...? We can be one big happy family! --Ah, maybe not." Yeah, maybe not. The realisation had quickly brought her back down to the planet's surface from wherever she had just been.
"Don't." Being teased like this, I couldn't help but smile despite it all, but I still covered my face with my hands.
"Mm. Not that there's any need to. Ah, one day, one day..." She shrugged and took on a strange pose. The evil spirit before me was attempting to imitate a gesture of innocence. Or apology? There wasn't any need? ...Ah. I'd keep that red hot marble of information to myself, for Adachi's sake. I wondered: were we truly so obvious back then? It seemed I had a tendency to leak vital information without even knowing it. Though I doubt Adachi would agree with that assessment.
I felt an immense relief. I had made a mistake-- Yes. Was I ever going to hear to the end of this mistake? No. I was utterly doomed after all. But it was alright. Everything was alright.
That's how it was, huh? Something was falling on my lap. Messy is what this feeling was. Adachi was the only person who mattered to me who accepted my strange existence whole. I had taken that for granted these last few years. Was I greedy to ask for more? Maybe so. But I was glad I did. The hollow space that was me had slowly filled up over many years. It might even be overfilled, because it was surely leaking over my face at this very moment.
The distance was closed. I felt like my home was closer than ever. Well, I was inside it. Or perhaps it was more like... two homes became one.
"...Thanks. I'm going to call Adachi now." I didn't want to hold back the warmth inside me right now.
"Please do. Next time Adachi shall accompany you, that's an order! Really, what a dumb-dumb..." Mom marched away huffing with her limbs stiffened like some one-woman military parade. Yeesh. If I did bring Adachi again - when I did - the barrage of questions might just topple us over, building up as they surely had all this time. What an embarrassment this was. An embarrassing success was the only way to describe it. Such was my life these days.
Peace was slowly returning to the room on this lazy late winter's night. It was like nothing had happened. Nothing had for anyone else, I supposed. A warm ember turned over, shining its dull orange glow. Prising myself up from the couch, I trundled over and leaned on the kitchen wall. The unpredictable existence known as 'Mom' could not bear witness to our lovey-dovey message log, and so I didn't leave the matter to chance. "Call me" I enunciated to myself as I wrote the message. Hitting send, I walked into the slightly more private adjoining hallway.
She hadn't asked me to call her first this time -- that was strange for Adachi considering how late it was. Well, she had asked me to take the initiative sometimes so it was fine, right? Either way, it was fun to keep those old rituals of ours alive, I thought. And my phone was vibrating already. Had it even been one second? That was Adachi for you. Now I was feeling greedy again. But this greed I absolutely would indulge. Yes: that was Adachi leaping forward... but only for me. My Sakura Adachi. A mildly devious smile was growing on my face, and I quickly coughed and cleared my thoughts. ...Was she rubbing off on me again? Maybe so, maybe so. The hammer named Adachi had struck the anvil of my soul so many times that it had surely been forged a little by now. Its impact was one I graciously accepted.
The phone was already on my ear. "... hello!" She sounded a little bit guilty. Well, nothing new there. Was it because I had asked her to call me, and she had taken her not-asking-first as some kind of failure? Those kinds of silly thoughts did pass her mind still, even if she had matured over the years. Thankfully we both had. Somewhat. A little. Surely.
"Shimamura... No matter what they said: I love you." The seriousness of her voice forced me to stand up straight, as if enlisted into the Adachi Military Academy. There was a hint of anger on my behalf present, for sure.
"Thank you..." I could feel myself smiling warmly. Did it even need to be said? No, it didn't. Something moved inside me anyway, as it always did.
"I love you too." Her face came to mind as I spoke, looking down at my own feet.
"But don't worry--" As I turned to adjust my top, I thought I glimpsed the edge of my mom's ear dart back into the kitchen. Was I seeing things? That had better be the case. Regardless, I hushed my voice. "--I told them! I did it! But... They already knew. Haha..." I felt very silly all of a sudden. Of course they knew. Of course. "They've known for... a long time. I feel like a big idiot. Haaah... I'll never hear the end of this..."
I shook my head and plopped my free hand onto my forehead with a smack, pushing back my hair. If I never heard the end it, Adachi surely wouldn't either. There was no escape for either of us, but even though we were trapped it was a warm comfort. Embarrassment was flowing through me but at least I'd be able to share it with her. It would be fun to see that: that wriggling Adachi. I'd like to see her wriggle a little more actually, now that I thought about it...
"I'll have no choice but to bring you with me next time. Prepare yourself for the pain ahead. Hahaha."
"I'm glad! Shimamura... That's wonderful. I was worried!" Of course, her thoughts were not about vast explosions of parental embarrassment, but of me. I wished she would think about herself a little more.
"Yeah. It's alright. My mom says she wants to see us in white--" ...Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. No, I definitely shouldn't have. We hadn't discussed this mysterious subject my mom had been referring to earlier. What subject? I don't know. I couldn't think about that now. ...Maybe I had changed less than I thought in some ways. I let out a sigh.
"Um, aha... hah... ummm..." She heard it. She definitely heard it. I could sense the red glow at the other end of the line. No doubt her cheeks were lighting up like a hot iron right now. Probably her ears too... I remembered that familiar warmth on my fingers; she was always with me even when she wasn't. This glowing red blessing known as Adachi drove me on. Who knew the places we would reach together? Even as I couldn't quite confront my own imagination, its hazy brigthness comforted me from beyond my perception.
"Anyway, ummm... Shimamura... I..." It was 'that' tone. Now this I hadn't heard in a while. What was she holding back? I had only been gone for half a day, it seemed like not much could have happened.
Hmmm. It was better to confront her head on when she got into this state. "Adachi? What is it? Tell me."
"I'm outside..."
"Outside where? Did you go off on a mountain trip without me? Sounds windy, I hope you're not too cold up there." The odds of this actually happening were very close to zero. Yet my urge to tease Adachi never quite exceeded my guilt for doing it. I was getting carried away as usual; where was she though? It was late. Surely she'd be in bed by now, yet I could hear the wind blowing on the other side of the call. Then again, breathing aimlessly into the microphone was definitely an Adachi maneuvere I had grown to appreciate over the years. Maybe that was it. It had been such a long day and I was getting so sleepy... Actually I was exhausted, and it was as comforting to hear her familiar voice at the day's end as it had ever been. I couldn't help but smile as I imagined the closeness of her breathing.
--Wait. In my sleepy state I was getting distracted. Adachi was speaking.
"Sorry... Ha... Ummm... I'm here... at your house." The tiny animal on the phone seemed to be shrinking rapidly. Any smaller and it might just disappear entirely. The information eventually reached my sleepy head: House. Here. Now. My eyes bulged open. Adachi, what did you do?! The poise of a swan and the elegance of a mallet. I felt the heavy stones of concern laying themselves on my back one at a time. How long had she been out there? It was freezing! I'd been here for hours!
"Here?!"
"You said not to come, I know, but... if something happened, I had to be there. I had to." How determined, I thought, picturing Adachi's fist pumping in the air.
Adachi would do pretty much anything I asked -- except leave me alone. That just wasn't happening, not that I minded. It may have sounded like a complaint but it actually made me very happy. Sometimes I wasn't sure which one of us was the more troublesome though. It would be a fun question to tease her with later.
"I see. I'm coming out." I ended the call abruptly. Perhaps a little too abruptly, it occurred to me. Well, this lull in communication wouldn't last long.
Excusing myself from the living room, I stepped fully into the colder outer hallway and walked to the front door, quickly slipping back into my shoes. Pushing open the door with a creak, I beheld something right there in the freezing windy darkness not unlike a lost puppy. Twenty-three years old, standing tall yet looking small, waving sheepishly. This odd mixture of unrefined ore and otherworldly charm was of course Adachi. Dressed for the weather in a heavy coat and seemingly warm despite the cold, the frames of her glasses looked black in the darkness, though I knew they were blue.
"Hi hi." In this dull world she alone glinted.
"How long have you been out here?" I questioned with bleary eyes. It reminded me of a time long since passed: the warm morning sun, the surprise of her presence. The frigid wind quickly brought me back to the present situation.
"Not long." Such innocent lies. It was more than a little unlikely. But...
"...I'm glad you came. Thank you."
Certain truths should be spoken aloud.
Adachi perked up at my little admission -- as if I would be anything but happy to see her. At the same time an idea seemed to occur to her; as she examined me from head to toe, she started twiddling with her coat zipper to get it open. Hmm...
Her pull was strong.
As I stepped toward her, Adachi walked towards me in kind. Meeting halfway, she took hold of my hands and deftly directed them under her coat. Ohhh. Even though she was the one waiting out in the cold, she still wanted to warm me up... Taking hold of her waist, I nestled my head into her cosy woolen chest. Adachi's neck warmed the top of my head as she rested her arms around my back. Enveloped, I had been transformed into a lizard roasting comfortably on a hot desert rock. We stayed that way for a while, the eye in the storm, saying nothing, until I let her go. Her hands were pulled up onto my shoulders as I stepped back gently. Not too far. I turned my gaze upward to see love shining from her face. I couldn't help but smile back. We said nothing but it said everything anyway, didn't it? Yes, it did. How truly special the sight of her was.
This glowing red beauty would hold me as long as I held her, even in the biting wind. And I wanted her to now more than ever. Seemingly sensing my mood, she leaned forward and slowly closed her eyes, moving in for a kiss. I followed her lead, steadying myself on her hips. As our lips met, Adachi's gentle hand traced up the nape of my neck, through my hair, caressing the back of my head with her fingertips. Drawing me back into contact with her free hand, Adachi's gentle loving embrace held me for a long moment, and for a while I thought of nothing else.
When I reopened my eyes, that most warm and loving smile of hers graced me from a much closer vantage point. As we stood captivated by one another it felt like a moment that should be made to last forever -- but the rain drops falling on my head meant it would soon be cut short. Since it was gruesomely cold and we'd both soon be freezing, and my hair was blowing around in the wind like curtains out of a broken window, I had to accept that abrupt and grim reality.
There would be many more of those moments, I reassured myself.
"Come on inside, it's cosy and warm in there. Let's go see my family." Speaking softly, I ushered Adachi in. I wasn't dressed for this and I was getting cold, no matter how warm I felt on the inside. Besides, it was late; everybody would be going to go to bed soon. Then again that might be a good thing in some ways... I laughed softly to myself at the novelty of this silly situation.
"Okay. Let's do it, Shimamura!" Adachi was holding up her arm awkwardly yet determinedly above the two of us. Looking at her joyful face nestled in the fuzzy hood of her coat I was reminded of a nothing other than an excessively bright traffic light. A tall red light that despite its shining colour still held the meaning 'Go'. The core contradiction of my life was trying to hide her nervousness in her own little way.
Her meaning resonated within me.
Yes, let's do it. Here I was home; with Adachi I was home.
She took my hand as we walked across the threshold.
Two homes, two hands, and the two of us. An unthinkable future had become our present, one that filled me with happiness to the very brim. Closing the door with my free hand, a soft click could be heard, and we squeezed each other tightly again before letting go.
I felt myself smiling. That feeling never seemed to quite leave me these days.
She would always be there. There was nothing in this world quite like her.
With the power called Adachi at my side, I continued to move forward.