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It started when you and Kourai were kindergarteners watching the old boxy television, sitting on their living room sofa with no choice but to watch the Christmas theme commercials that got really, really boring after the 100th time and more. You don’t even remember what show you were waiting for, but there was one commercial that caught your attention. Recalling it now, it's all too hazy. No longer knowing how it started or what it was even advertising. All you remember was how it ended: the couple looked up and saw there were red berry decorations on the doorway they were under. They smiled at each other and confessed their love. Then, the guy kisses his girlfriend and she kisses back. They hug so sweetly that you remembered thinking it must be a very special kiss, but you don't know why.
From here, the memory was clearer. You said out loud, “I don't get it.”
“Me either,” Kourai complained too. When you looked at him, he seemed more baffled than you, making a repulsed face. You remember holding in a wheeze.
His mom chimed in, with a wide grin and spark in her eyes that made her look ten years younger. That smile stayed the same even when you two grew up. She leaned over the sofa and said, “You see kids, the berries over their heads are called ‘mistletoes’. It's a Christmas tradition that you kiss the person you love when you stand under it.”
“Wah! Really?” You gasped, surprised that that was a thing adults do.
Kourai, on the other hand, didn’t have your enthusiasm. He made a face and stuck his tongue out. “Gross!”'
His mom only giggles, probably because of how different the reactions were. “You say that now, Kourai. But one day, you’ll wanna do that with your girlfriend too.”
He slammed his hands on the pillow sitting on his lap in retaliation. Cheeks red and round as the berries you saw on the commercial. “No way!!” he recklessly shouted and was so frustrated. His voice was so high back then.
She laughs this time, then she turns to you. “How about you, sweety? Would you wanna do that with your boyfriend?”
Looking back now, it was just a question meant to only tease you. The kind of question adults ask kids to mess with them or make light conversation. You took it seriously and stayed quiet to think of your answer. Do you want to do that when you grow up, you asked yourself.
What your little self’s thought process was has been lost to your age. You recall telling Kourai’s mom, “I guess I’d like too…?” coming off strong then faltering in the end. This time, she giggled. You felt a little confused as to why. But it was likely because of your confidence to say an unsure answer. After she was done letting her giggling out of her belly, she looked at you and patted your head.
“Well, I hope you find a special someone you really, really like to do that,” she said. These words would stay with you. Even your silly little kid brain figured out that she meant it.
Earnestly, you said, “Yes ma’am!” with the enthusiasm a child puts on to appease the adults around them. Her smile softened and she turned to Kourai, who was still pouting. Reaching out a hand, she patted and combed through his short, white hair.
“You too, Kourai,” she said sweetly to him. He crossed his arms as he turned away from you and his mom.
“Kissing is gross!” He loudly stated with firmness as if it was completely true and new to himself. She only rubbed his head harder while she began to laugh again, commenting on how he’d understand when he got older. Grown ups say that a lot, you thought.
When the show you both wanted to watch finally aired, It was a fun time for you and Kourai. You were so noisy together as you watched, giggling and energetic, as children naturally. Then, as soon as the commercial break rolled in, so did the impatience and disappointed silence. But that one commercial was on again, so you take in everything you see like a sponge. Thanks to Kourai’s mom’s words, even well after that night and throughout the December of that year, you intently watched it. You did not change the channels when it was on, taking in as much detail your little self can comprehend, wondering why she wished that commercial for you.
Whenever you see those berries as decorations for the Christmas season, you still think of that kiss scene, imagining it from the Hoshiums’ old TV you one day never saw again after the summer of your first grade. It was replaced by a much better, cooler, and less bulkier, black TV. So did their old sofa they weren’t in a hurry to replace. What those berries are you eventually learn more from shows, manga, and novels. Kourai’s mom was right, the rule is indeed to kiss the person next to you when standing under the plant. It is a very romantic thing to do, you gradually learned.
The magic of it did work on you a bit after a while, the more you saw it in the romances you read and watched. You have seen it done so well that it leaves an impression and also falls flat that the wonder lasts only for a few seconds, then feeling bored of it. Often, it is the latter. It became clear to you that the mistletoe was a cheap and easy trick to get two characters to kiss and confess, or kiss and create a misunderstanding, which were just confusing and a headache even for a kid like you then. Yet, you were still in awe of that one commercial you saw. It may have been your memories being cloudy and distant that gives it wonder, as nostalgia often does.
That was until you saw a drama on TV. A drama that moms love to watch and chat about, includes your own mother. You were in your first year of middle school when it was airing. Much like before, it was December and you were hanging out at Kourai’s place because you didn’t want to go home and get nagged to do homework just yet. You also haven’t been to his house for a while, after you and Korai went to different middle schools.
The two of you had no choice but to bear watching the drama since it was Kourai’s mom holding the remote even though she wasn’t there. She was in the kitchen preparing dinner, the TV acting as her radio. Manually changing the channels would have been a pointless endeavour as she could change it back easily. You remember loathing the idea of watching at the start of the episode, though you said nothing of it to not be impolite. Korai, on the other hand, knew better than to fight his mom over TV. As the minutes passed, you actually got invested in what was happening. From what you understood because of your own mother’s retellings of the episodes to you, during that time, the main couple have been sharing the same feelings for a while. A confession was always delayed because of their work, other characters getting in the way, more obstacles, and, from what younger you understood as ‘being very, very sad about themselves’. The episode that you two were watching was the one where they finally confessed.
What you remembered the most was the scene where they were at the cafe the leading lady worked at, no one else was there except for her and the male lead, waiting for her shift to end. Some chatting happens and they somehow wind up under a plant with white berries. AS you watched, you thought, why were they showing them? Those aren’t mistletoes. Your confusion was cut when the leads looked at each other, surprised, and he implied about the berries’ rule.
Then, what occurred had you entrance. Something about the way the characters stared at each other with pure longing. The male lead stood firm and cool yet his expression is of someone who might break apart from the weight of affection he carried. That very affection was seen through his intense gaze at the female lead, whose expression was at first bashful then changed to determined. He pours his feelings out. You don’t recall any of his words. What’s clearest memory was the leading ladies expression you can now describe as being taken aback and slowly understanding his feelings rather than just her staring blankly at him. She cupped his cheeks, confessed to him.
Their foreheads touched, giggling together. They kissed and it didn’t look icky or weird. You can tell they are really in love.
“Waahh… Ha, ha AAAHHH~” you cheered for the two leads out of giddiness and laughed at yourself for suddenly being noisy after staying silent for so long. Kourai laughs at you too.
“Really? That's what gets you?”
“OH C’MON! IT’S CUTE!” you cried at him.
The laughing and wheezing was loud. Lucky for you, Korai's older brother wasn't there, otherwise it would have been more embarrassing. He would have used that to make fun of you two. From all your laughing, you weren’t quick to notice that his face was pink, slowly turning to cherry red. It was always funny how obvious it is with his white hair.
“LOOK AT YOU! YOU’RE BLUSHING TOO!” you teased, hand reached out to poke his cheek. “YOU’RE GETTING CUTE TO! LIKE A BABY!”
Kourai swatted you but you still kept going. It was slowly turning into a one sided pillow fight. It then turned into a tickle fight. You won, getting the chance to both poke and pinch his face.
After you sighed to stop and all the giggles were out of your stomach, you said quietly, wishfully, “I wanna do that one day”. Instantly, you regretted saying out loud, praying that Kourai did hear a word of it. Thinking back now, you sounded like a hopeless romantic, even as a young teen.
“Don’t worry,” he said, a gentleness you never saw in him before. “You’ll find someone.”
You didn’t believe him. As if he cared for love and roses. Let alone his undeniable first love of volleyball. “Really?” asked, just because. Not expecting anything.
“Yeah,” he reassured you.
As you two kept watching the episode, you wondered why the berries weren’t red.
December was a week away when your class decided to decorate the classroom for the holidays after receiving the permission of your homeroom teacher. It started as a silly joke that the class representative acknowledged, then spiralled with everyone agreeing in the sentiment of ‘yeah, that would be fun. Why not do it?’
The room wasn’t getting a full blown makeover for the holiday spirit, otherwise you would all be trouble. The teachers only allowed small and light decorations. The ornaments were mostly arts and crafts, but some classmates were generous enough to bring actual Christmas decor.
The entire class set everything up during lunch. The more artistic ones lead the making of cutting out snowflakes and the drawing of Christmas related objects. Many others are on the duty of sticking them over the main chalkboard frame, windows and the chalkboard at the back.
You are in the group placing the thin garland over the frames of the doors and windows, unwinding and handing each piece to your friend standing on a chair.
“Hey,” Kourai greeted as he approached. Hirugami, your classmate and his teammate, right behind him. “Where were you?” sounding a bit upset at you in an almost childlike way.
“Now, now Kourai. you don’t have to be angry that she wasn’t with us,” said Hirugami, entering your shared classroom.
“Sorry about that. As you can see, I’m busy,” you apologise, jiggling the garland around your arms.
He huffs in defeat. Then points out, “but you’ve been busy all week.”
“Cause I need to. Exams are coming.” you move to another classmate that called you to hand over another garland, Korai follows you from behind the open hall windows.
“What are you? Studying to get into college? We still have a year for that!”
“For our current classes, obviously.” you said, walking back to your friend to give out another one, still holding the conversation, then leaning a shoulder on the door. “Speaking of, you should be too. I don’t think I’ll be able to help you with English this weekend.”
Kourai grits his teeth in irritation that you’re right and being reminded of his request. His grades weren’t bad, but he did promise his mom that he’ll do better than his last English exam result.
“Heeey! look up top guys,” a classmate calls from the other side of the room. She and the others fondly snickering at you two to themselves. “You know the rules,” another chimes in, wagging his fingers to point something above your heads. Looking up, among the christmas decor hung on the door frame, there fake red berries attach to plastic jagged shape leaves, placed on the very centre.
Kourai yells,“OI!”, at them in frustration. And it shows, his face was turning red. You, on the other hand, are cool headed. You can’t fall for a joke when they’re wrong.
“Funny. But, no. We won’t,” you said, rolling your eyes, still keeping your position leaning on the door frame.They playfully booed at you, saying ‘you're no fun’ and ‘lighten up’. Kourai is also fast to shut them down, shoulders tensing up and a foot already passing the doorway.
A classmate teases again. “Why? Too shy?” she said, smiling at you with mischievous glee.
You plainly state, “No. It's not even mistletoe”
“It's not?” she replied, genuinely surprised.
“Oh yeah?” another, too, in disbelief.
“For starters, those are fake holly berries.” You pointed while your friend fixed them. “Not to mention the leaves are different. If you really want to argue with me I can tell you what mistletoes actually are.” seeing how you're so dedicated in educating them on the plant, they don’t argue.
But before they can tease anymore, the class rep enters and mistakes the scene as a quarrel. “Alright, stop fighting,” she calmly intervenes, though it wasn’t necessary. “Get back to work before our break time ends everyone.” And so they do, moving on to chatter on their own.
Kourai stays since she hasn’t asked him to leave. His attention returns to you, pouting a little. It might be because he didn’t get the chance to rebuttal them.
Curious, Kourai asks. “So, those… Those aren’t mistletoes?” Though the tension is gone, he is still a little flush on the face.
You shook your head. “The ones we hung look more like holly berries. They always get confused with mistletoes. Real mistletoes are smaller and white. Their leaves are rounder and closer to the size of the berries too.” you explained as you helped your friend down from the chair. She moves it back to its place and leaves you and Kourai be.
He only nods, looking up to the tangling berries over the door. Kourai’s face is still stained red even after he has already calmed down. He must have felt embarrassed about the idea of kissing a friend. “How’d you know?”
“I did some research. Who would have thought? ”
“mhmm”
As he stood still, out of the blue, like the words came out as he thought, he said, “do you still wanna do it one day?” His tone suddenly became serious.
You know what he meant by ‘it’. Honestly, you aren’t sure. Adults always say that not having a relationship in your highschool years was fine, but you could hardly believe it when you have friends gushing about their boyfriends and girlfriends to you. Classmates that have significant others inside the classroom. Somehow, you feel like you're not catching on. Yet, you don’t want to just find a boyfriend for the sake of not being single. You hate to admit it, but you do dream of actually falling in love and that it's like everything you’ve watched and read, even though you know that it won’t be.
Maybe, you can say it to Kourai. He is your friend after.
In soft confidence, staring at the shiny fake berries, you said, “yeah, I sure hope I get to.”
Then, the air was oddly empty between you two for a moment.
Kourai catches your attention by patting you behind the shoulder. “By the way, do you wanna walk to the station later, after practice?”
You mentally go through all you should be doing today as your finger twiddle with the plastic leaves of the garland. You are staying a little later for a club meeting. If things go smoothly, it could be done early. However, it is likely that something might come up that might make you stay a little longer. Thinking that it has been a while since you walked with him to the station, you made your choice.
You smiled at him and said, “If our meeting ends early, I’ll wait outside the court.”
He smiles back. The flush on his face is no longer prominent but still present.
Already in your mid-twenties, yet your dream of kissing your beloved under a mistletoe still hasn't happened and is least likely to happen now. Nine months ago, your last boyfriend broke up with you. It wasn’t as bitter as it could have been but it still wounded your heart. You've cried out the initial hurt to your friends. Kourai was sadly the ears to hear all your woes and insecurities about it through the phone well after weeks from the split.
He says that it’s fine, but you think that you’ve shared too much of that badge and began being a bad friend. While he was telling you stories of how his games went and how silly his dog has been, most of your chatter was melodramatic ranting. Sometimes, you think he was being too nice. So you tell him you’d buy him food the next time you hang out, as compensation. In the end, he still buys you extra afterwards, nulling your efforts somewhat.
After High school, Kourai went to play volleyball professionally and you are so happy for him. You still remembered when he told you he started playing for the volleyball club. Skip to now, it became his life and it shows. You used to be a little taller than him, but now, he has built up muscle that it’s hard to call him cute just to tease him anymore.
By December, the pain only lingered in the palette of your mood in moments you're not preoccupied. As you walk on the winter streets, you often notice the different couples spending their time together. Young couples in the honey phase of their relationship. Couples with their children, holding hands. Your brain automatically reminds you of your ex. It did make Christmas a little lonelier. It wasn’t enough to dampen you for too long, still able to pick yourself back up when you had a holiday bonus, along with nice gifts from friends.
When new years came, you spent it with your family. Thankfully, no one ever brought up nor questioned your relationship status, all in good part that you hadn't introduced him to your parents. Save for the one instant a niece asked if you spent Christmas with your boyfriend too. The ‘too’ gave you a hint that she may have been using another taken relative, likely a girl cousin similar to your age, as a frame of reference and applying it to you. Not wanting to tarnish her early views of love or view of you, you simply admit that you are single, nothing more. Blunt as children are, she frowned and said “that's just sad.” and it hurt how genuine she sounded.
It’s the second week of January and you don’t plan on keeping the Christmas decor in your apartment any day longer. The Holiday season has stayed long enough in your home and it's becoming an eyesore as February approaches. You have spent the past hour packing up everything. Though it wasn’t much, you weren’t in a hurry. Otherwise you’d have tired yourself out on a weekend. Another reason is because the ladder makes too much noise when you place it on the ground. It’s a hassle and you take in consideration the neighbours below you.
Right now, you're in the process of taking down the decorations on the walls and changing the curtains. First the garlands, then the red curtains. You forget how heavy they are.
As you tug the cloth down its pole, there’s knocking on the front door.
You weren’t expecting packages this week and that wasn’t any knock you were familiar with.
You step down the ladder carefully, then rush to the door. Peaking through the small hole, He may not be facing the door completely and he has a cap on his head, but you know that side profile anyware. It’s Kourai, on his phone on one hand.
Though excited, you hastily padded away dust and smoothed folds on your shirt, trying to appear a little well kept even in your indoor clothes. The moment the door is fully opened, you greet him a new year and rope Kourai into a tight hug. It was the first hug with him for the year and after not seeing him since he was busy with his games. He returns your enthusiasm with a squeeze.
“It's great to see you again,” you said, happy but clearly short in breath.
He chuckles, “You too.”
“Sorry about my place, you caught me in the middle of cleaning up,” you said as you poured him tea. He didn’t seem bothered by the mess of garlands on the floor and littered boxes of decor.
“Shouldn’t I be the one apologising? I showed up without telling you.”
“I do like surprises.”
You welcomed him in, carrying a large, red, paper bag on one hand. The conversation didn’t end and flowed like it’s only been a week since you last saw each other. ‘How are you?’, ‘how’s work?’, ‘how are your games?’ One question and another, answered and a little more. The usual banter, meandering to whatever comes up. It feels like nothing has changed between the two of you.
Maybe it was just the freshness of a new year, but you can’t help but reflect. You’ve gone through the holidays with Kourai since you were kids. He’s changed a lot and you have too. Yet, somehow, he wound up with a haircut that’s so much like the one he had as a kid.
“Do you need help with all this?” Kourai asks, gesturing to your living room.
You raised a brow, “are you sure? You're visiting me. It’s not a fun visit if you're breaking a sweat.”
“Don’t be shy. I know you want to get this done fast.”
And he is right.
So, he helps out. Starting with lending his hand in getting the curtains down. In just a few minutes, the Christmas tree was down and two boxes were sealed. He then helps in moving the ladder to the hallway. You begin to take down the hanging decor on the garland with full confidence to use both of your hands now with Kourai holding the ladder for you.
“You actually hanged mistletoes, huh?” he suddenly mentions, switching the conversation topic. Prioritizing packing up had you failed to realise that was the decor you were holding. The wire is so tangled you couldn’t undo it quickly, so you move to the plastic snowflakes. Handing them down to him.
You hum in agreement. “It would be such a shame for a cute ornament to not be used, don’t you think? I’d have to wait another year!”
He laughs with you at your point.
“Did you ever get to kiss anyone under that?” he asked casually, jokingly even.
Through an unintentionally deep sigh, you said, “no”. Your disappointment shows just a little. “Last christmas, he wasn’t around because of work out of town. I guess it was a good thing that it didn’t happen. It would have ruined mistletoes for me.”
Kourai was quiet for a little while. He may have thought that the topic was a sore spot for you. So you tell him that it is nothing to worry about. you raised your hands to the mistletoes again, putting your full attention to undoing its wire. As you twist and bend it, Kourai snaps your focus with one question.
“Do you wanna do it right now?”
His shift in tone surprised you. Not wanting to assume. You ask.
“Come again?”
“Do you wanna do it right now?” He repeats. “Make your wish come true?
It catches you off guard. Quickly letting go of the mistletoe and bracing yourself to the ladder, you turn to him, looking down from your levelled height, searching for any hint that he was kidding. There isn’t. All you see is the determination that shines in his eyes you have known of him. It came with a tint of red spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. To think he’d still remember that.
“You said you wanna do it with someone one day, right?”
Yes, you did. You said so back when you were in middle school. But that was a long time ago. Some middle school dreams were just not meant to be. From your speechlessness, anyone would have taken it back. He doubles down, calling you back to the present moment by saying your name like an endearment.
“I love you… and I really like you.”
It's like you're breathless again. All too quickly, you want to believe again. You have no idea how to process this.
“Kourai… you…”
Bursting into a laugh, you hold steady on the ladder. Not at him, of course. It seems to ease him a little from how his face softens. For a second, you saw the little Kourai again.
“Is this really how you confess to people?” you jokes and he chuckles too.
“I want to give it a try. While there's still a chance,” He changes his grip on the ladder. “You don’t need to say yes to anything that I said. Just letting you know”
You felt it, that he put everything on the line. More than a decade of friendship. A friendship so long that you can see it in him that it's true. He loves you and it warms you like a scarf around the neck. However, knowing that he likes you too, It’s so easy for you to like him back. In fact, you may have begun to like him a long while ago. If anything, it felt right to just say ‘yes’.
Yet, happiness came with fear.
With a gentle voice, you ask, “this won’t change much between us, right?”
Sensing your doubts, he reassures you, “I’ll love you no matter what.”
You might as well have fallen off the ladder.
As you try to lean forward to get a little closer, with a smile, truthfully, you said, “Yes. I love you too, Kourai. And I’d like to date you.” Everything now is clear as snow.
He takes a little gasp of air like taking in your answer. One sigh leads to a chuckle. If he wasn’t holding the ladder, he would have hugged you then and there.
Breathy, he said, “okay.” Pure joy seeping out.
Life feels as if it changed so much and yet things were all the same. Old things turning to something new.
Kourai looks up above you again. You mirror him. The mistletoes still hanging.
“Do you still wanna do it?” he said. When you looked back down on him, a fresh grin is on his face.
Without question you, you nod. That’s one way to properly start it all.
You take each step a little shakey on the knees. There’s one more step down, but the excitement and nervousness has you quickly wrap your arms over Kourai's shoulders, letting yourself lightly fall forward to kiss him before he could say another word. He catches you, wrapping his arms around your torso, holding you in place as he kisses you back. He lifts you off the last step, not letting your feet touch the floor.
It might as well be December again.
When he sets you down, the kiss ends too.
“So,” he started. The flushness on his face isn’t as bad as it could be, just the right amount that made him look charming. “How was it?”
You brush back his white hair even though it's short.
“Better than I could’ve ever hoped for.”