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February 14th saw four fifths of Dethklok hanging out in Mordhaus's rec room. Bachelors Nathan, Pickles, Skwisgaar, and Toki treated the day as any other day of the year. Without any serious romantic partners in their lives at the moment, they were all content to ignore the holiday and to just relax. Nathan read his newspaper, Pickles smoked from a comically sized bong, and Skwisgaar and Toki sat side by side staring at the television.
William Murderface shattered the peace by barging into the room, wearing a fancy dinner jacket and his finest pair of shorts. He dropped a sloppily wrapped box into Nathan's lap. “Don’t mind me, gentlemen,” he said loudly. “I’m just off to my Valentine’s Day date. With my boyfriend.”
Nathan didn't look up from his newspaper, even as his eyelid began to twitch. “Okay,” he said simply. He and the others had made a game plan for what to do about Murderface ever since he began a relationship with Dick Knubbler a few months ago. They had discussed that the best thing to do whenever Murderface acted like the master of all relationships was to engage with him as little as possible.
The problem with that strategy was that Murderface didn't make ignoring him easy. "Yup. Got a real eventful night planned. I made dinner reservations, got a sick present, the works. Just thought I'd say goodnight to you all before I leave to pick up Knubbler."
Nathan kept reading. "Uh huh."
Murderface walked over to the couch and draped his arms around Skwisgaar and Toki's shoulders. "Don't be too upset, you guys. I know it can be hard being single this time of year. But maybe next year you all will have your own someone special to spend Valentine's Day with."
Skwisgaar was the first to snap. "Why ams you evens bragging about this?" he asked, shoving Murderface's arm away. "Ams you proud of being the leasts brutal one of us?"
Murderface looked taken aback for a moment, before he riled himself up into a fit of performative outrage. “So what, two guys dating can’t be brutal? That’s not very woke of you, Skwisgaar!”
Skwisgaar groaned, not wanting to open that can of worms. “I ams nots sayings that because you ams in a homosketchuals relationships.”
“Yeah, it’s got nothing to do with you dating a dude,” Pickles chimed in from where he was lounging across the room. “Valentine’s Day just isn’t brutal.”
Murderface's smug look faded slightly. “What do you mean it's not brutal?”
Nathan looked up from his paper. "Valentine's Day is about flowers and cartoony hearts and spending your money on bullshit gifts for other people. That's not metal at all."
Pickles pointed at Nathan, nodding in agreement. “Exactly. Like, what are you doing with Knubbler tonight? Are you guys going to some fancy restaurant with different sized forks and some dildo playing a piano in the back?”
Murderface suddenly looked uncomfortable. “…No.”
Skwisgaar chuckled. Murderface glared at him. "Valentine's Day is totally brutal! Did you know the Ancient Romans used to sacrifice animals and beat each other for Valentine's Day? Well, think of having to give each other presents and going out to dinner as a modernization of those badass traditions! And you've got a kid running around shooting arrows at people! Imagine getting impaled by a mutant winged baby!"
Nathan gave him a long look before going back to his reading. “Yeah, sorry. Not buying it, man.”
By this point, Murderface was almost spitting mad. “Well at least I’m getting laid tonight!”
Pickled grimaced. “Yeah, but with someone that you’re in a committed relationship with.” He shuddered. "That's almost as bad as no sex at all."
Skwisgaar nodded. “I agrees. 'Committed Relationships Sex'. That ams the least metals things I’ves evers heard.”
A lone voice came to Murderface's defense. “Don’t listens to them, Williams.” Toki said in with a smile. “I think it ams real sweet you’s goings on a romantic date withs yous boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.”
That comment finally broke Murderface. “Fuck all you guys!” he shouted. He snatched his present back and stormed out of the room in a much more sour mood than when he entered it minutes earlier. "Enjoy your boring evening, assholes!"
Murderface's mood didn't improve as the night continued. He perked up a little bit when picking up Knubbler, accepting a kiss hello as the other man got into the Dethlimo. Once at the restaurant he had picked for their date, however, his foul temper returned. Murderface scowled at the pink decorations all over the restaurant, and couldn't help but shoot dirty looks at the piano player in the corner. He hated to admit it, but the rest of the band was right. The only things brutal about this evening were the Klokateers standing in the shadows of the restaurant acting as security. Otherwise he was surrounded by regular jackoffs cooing and making googly eyes at each other.
He couldn't even enjoy the glee on Knubbler's face when he opened his poorly wrapped present over their entrees. "Oh wow, William, these are gorgeous!" Knubbler's artificial green eyes grew wider and brighter as he opened the box and removed a pair of fancy shoes. His lenses spun as his eyes zoomed in to inspect the material. "This is exotic leather, isn't it?"
Murderface picked at his food with one of the five forks lined up next to his place setting, not giving a shit if it was a salad fork or a dessert fork. "Yeah. Javan rhino." He had had the shoes custom made after a quick call to Pickles's endangered species guy. He'd been so proud of himself when he first got the idea for the gift, but that feeling was long gone now.
Knubbler admired his gift, dragging his fingers across the tongue. "Javan rhino? Aren't there only three of them left in the world?"
"Only two now."
The grumpiness in his voice made Knubbler pause. "Okay," he said, putting the shoes back in the box. "What's going on with you, babe? You usually love talking about sticking it to Mother Nature."
Murderface sighed. "It's nothing. Just something the guys said earlier."
"What did they say?"
"Stuff." Murderface said. He elaborated when Knubbler tilted his head. "Stuff like how Valentine's Day isn't brutal."
Knubbler's eyes flashed red. "You care what those idiots have to say about romance?"
Murderface shrugged. "Well they're right, aren't they? There's nothing brutal about tonight."
Knubbler took a sip of his wine before speaking again. There was an art to getting William Murderface out of a funk, and Dick Knubbler was quickly becoming an expert. "You know what those jerks are probably doing right now? Watching trash television before going to their rooms alone to jack off."
Murderface thought about that for a moment, and of most of his own previous Valentine's Days. "Yeah, that sounds about right."
"And now look at us." Knubbler wrested his chin on his folded hands. “Tell me this, Willy: would you rather be with the rest of the guys, lounging around and jacking off? Or would you rather be here at this lovey dovey restaurant on a Valentine's date with me?”
Murderface shuffled in his seat, staring at the table. “Here.”
“And why’s that?”
A deep pink flush spread across Murderface's cheeks and neck. “Because I love you,” he muttered, still getting used to how those words felt coming out of his mouth.
Knubbler grinned. “Yeah you do.” He leaned forward across the table. “C’mere. Gimme a smooch.”
Murderface looked up and obliged, meeting Knubbler halfway in a kiss. This was new for Murderface, too: exchanging tender, slow kisses that weren't a precursor to a meaningless hookup. It still surprised him that he finally had someone to do this with. Knubbler's soft, patient kiss pushed away the voices of his bandmates. Maybe there was nothing particularly brutal about this moment, but the longer they kissed the less Murderface found that he cared.
They pulled away from each other slowly, savoring the end of the kiss for as long as they could. "You done sulking now, babe?" Knubbler teased. "You ready to open your present?"
"My present?" That definitely lifted Murderface's spirits.
"Yeah!" Knubbler reached into his coat pocket and handed Murderface a small box, wrapped much more neatly than the shoes had been. "Go on. Open it."
Murderface took the present and quickly took off the wrapping paper and removed the box's lid. Inside the box was a small glass container about the size of a cologne bottle. Carefully, Murderface removed the glass and saw that most of it was filled with a clear liquid. Floating inside were two soft, light blue discs only a few millimeters wide. Years of poring through pictures in medical textbooks and torture manuals told Murderface exactly what he was looking at. “Are these human irises?” he asked. He stared more closely and then gasped when he recognized something. He'd seen that exact shade of blue before, mostly in old photographs. But that color took him back to one day, years ago, miles underwater in the Mariana Trench, when that shade of blue first gazed at him behind round red frames. “Holy shit, are these your irises?!”
Knubbler grinned at Murderface's hanging jaw and bugged out eyes. “Some of the klokateers found them while they were scraping up the gore after getting me out of that mini-sub. I’ve been hanging on to them ever since for shits and giggles, but now I want you to have them.” He reached across the table and took Murderface's hand. "Now you'll always have a part of me to keep with you."
Murderface looked up from the jar into the robotic eyes of his beloved. “You’re a sick man,” he said, awed.
Knubbler leaned forward again, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I know,” he purred.
Murderface grabbed Knubbler’s collar and pulled him into a much less chaste kiss. Knubbler responded in kind, wrapping his arms around him as they shoved their tongues into each others' mouths. Cutlery went clattering to the floor as Murderface maneuvered them onto the table. The other patrons tried to ignore the for as long as they could, but very quickly no one in the establishment wasn't cringing. The dreaded pianist stopped playing, gaping at the horrid site. The restaurant manager began to approach their table before being knocked unconscious with an assault rifle by a bulky klokateer.
After several minutes of uninterrupted necking, the happy couple finally pulled apart. "I love you," Murderface said again, still clutching his present tightly in one hand.
"I love you too." Knubbler pecked him on the lips. His eyes shrank to two mischievous glints as his voice lowered. "You wanna ditch this place and take me back to Mordhaus?"
"Yeah!" Murderface said. "I'm gonna find the guys and rub this present in their stupid faces. 'Valentine's Day isn't brutal'. Well take a look at what I got for my present, asswipes! What's more brutal than your boyfriend's exploded body parts?!"
Knubbler stared blankly. "Well, yeah, we could do that. But I was thinking we could do something else..." He placed his hand on Murderface's chest, slowly dragging it downward to his waist.
Murderface's blush returned. "Oh," he said softly. "Yeah, yeah I'm down for that. But can we do that after I shove this gift in their faces?"
Knubbler sighed. "Sure, anything for you." He leaned in and kissed Murderface again. "Happy Valentine's Day, babe."