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Ashley wakes up to darkness and, for a moment she’s certain she’s dead.
It isn't until she opens her eyes and blinks back the lights in Normandy’s med-bay that the real pain sets in.
She pushes herself into a sitting position and regrets it immediately. White hot pain shoots up her side and she reaches for it with a gasp. There's a bandage across her ribs and the site itches like crazy. Must be a dermal patch underneath.
The memories begin to drift back to her slowly, like drops of water from a faucet, and the physical pain is quickly replaced with a different, worse kind.
Virmire.
The bomb and the salarians.
The geth.
Kaidan.
“It's the right choice, LT.”
And it was the right choice, but she's here and Kaidan isn't, so Shepard clearly made another choice.
She sits up and a hot, salty tear rolls down her cheek.
It isn't right. He should be here. With his slow smile, warm brown eyes, and deep laugh.
She's lost friends in combat before, but even the deepest bonds she formed with the other members of the 212 didn't hold a candle to how she's bonded with everyone on the Normandy.
And even none of them could hold a candle to Kaidan.
She'd been sure Shepard was going to send her packing after Eden Prime. Any CO worth their salt would put her through the ringer with psych evals before letting her in combat again.
But Kaidan had gone to bat for her. Sat with her in Huerta while she did those psych evals - or a shortened version of them, at least.
She hugs her knees to her chest and swipes at her cheeks. She's alone in the dark med-bay, which is clean and put together. Devoid of any evidence that Virmire even happened.
Some things you can't just toss out like bloody bandages.
Like any good Alliance soldier, Ashley is well versed in the regulations against fraternization. But the first time her sister told her she'd seen Kaidan on a vid about the first human Spectre and called him “cute”, Ashley knew she was in trouble. When she blushed, her sister saw it and just laughed at her.
But it wasn't unrequited. Kaidan was awful at hiding the fact that he'd been looking at her, blushing furiously when caught. And then there was the subtle battlefield flirting; blood pumping and hearts racing, Ashley's skin tingling from the rush of Kaidan's biotic field.
It hasn't even been seventy-two hours since the dancing around each other came to a head. She and Kaidan sought each other out for company in their down time, and this was no different. What was different was how nervous he seemed. More introspective than usual.
“Hey,” she said, smacking him playfully on the arm as she settled in cross-legged on the couch next to him. “Get out of your head.”
The smile he gave her in return was bashful and cute as hell. “Sorry. Just thinking about something.”
“Over thinking, from the things your face is doing,” she replied, waving a hand in the direction of his expressive face.
He shot her a withering look before shifting in his seat so he was facing her.
“Ok,” he said. He kept changing where he put his hands, like he suddenly couldn't remember how they worked. “When this mission is over, we're probably going to be reassigned. And I was wondering... I won't be in your chain of command anymore, so-”
“Kaidan,” she said, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. How could someone so good looking be completely devoid of any game? “Are you asking me out?”
He huffed, his cheeks turning a delightful shade of red. He shot her a hesitant look. “In theory, once there's no danger of either of getting locked up for it-”
“Yes.”
God, the look he'd given her. A dopey, lopsided little smile that made Ashley's heart thump wildly against her rib cage.
How can she miss something she never had?
She stumbles from the bed, hitting the blaring controls on her monitor until they shut up, moves to a stool a handful of feet away, and starts to cry.
She cries until she's wrung out and exhausted. Cries for the could-have-beens and the possibilities that they’ll never get. For the beautiful soul she was so lucky to have known, even if there wasn’t enough time. She's sniffling back the last remnants, ready to pack it away, when the med-bay door hisses open.
“Give me a second, Doc,” she says without turning around. “I'll get out of your way.”
“Ash.”
No, she thinks helpfully. It's too early for you to be haunting me.
But he sure looks real. Arm in a sling, hair a mess, dark circles under his eyes. She covers her mouth with a hand to stop the blubbering sound that threatens to spill out, but she can't stop the tears that fall fresh from her eyes.
He's in front of her a moment later, pulling her into as tight of a hug as he can manage with his arm braced against his ribs. She cries into his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his neck and managing to croak out 'how?' in between sobs.
Kaidan huffs out a laugh into her hair, squeezing her a little tighter. “Shepard is a stubborn bastard, what can I say?”
She disentangles herself enough to take his face in her hands, to look into his eyes and prove to herself that he is real and not just a phantom sent to torture her.
Then she leans in, before she can tell herself to stop, and presses her lips to his. She pulls back almost as quickly, shocked by how dumb that was.
Kaidan blinks at her slowly, and there's a desire in his eyes so strong it nearly takes Ashley out at the knees.
Fuck it. She pulls him back in, hand cradling the back of his neck, and slots her mouth over his. Following the regs, so far, has given her nothing. Her turn to be selfish for a change.
Kaidan melts into her touch. His hand comes to rest at the small of her back, and it's a little awkward with his other injured arm trapped between them, but as far as Ashley is concerned, it's perfect.
Kaidan makes a happy noise that rumbles deep in his chest and Ashley sighs, content. His tongue sweeps across the seam of her lips and Ashley raises herself onto her tip toes to get closer as she parts her lips to let him in.
“Sorry,” she mutters when they part. She tangles her fingertips in his hair, like she'd been dreaming of doing for months. “I just... I thought I lost you. I'm kind of tired of following the rules.”
Kaidan hums, pressing a kiss to her temple. Clearly, he isn’t opposed to telling the rules to go fuck themselves, either.
Which he confirms when puts his lips to her ear and whispers, “Worth it.”
And isn't that just something? Kind of nice to think she's the one to make him do it.