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alejandro’s loved noah longer than he can remember, so it shattered his heart after hearing what he had said about him back in london. because of that, alejandro tried to move on, he tried to let go of him. but of course, love was never that easy. no matter how hard he tried, alejandro held onto noah like a noose tied around his neck.
they never labeled or defined what they were, but it didn’t matter as long as they loved each other, and alejandro loved everything about him. from his tired eyes and furrowed brows to his quiet laugh and impressive intelligence, he couldn’t get enough of him. noah was beautiful in each and every way, and it broke alejandro having to watch him leave.
still, he held him dearly in his heart. noah was his first love, how could he ever let go of him so easily? alejandro didn’t know how to, and he didn’t even know what if he wanted to. the time they knew each was short, but it meant the world to him. noah was amazing and wonderful, and alejandro would give up everything to give him the world.
noah was so much more than his smarts, he was kind, thoughtful, and always found a way to make him laugh. he could act a bit rude every now and then, but he always owned up to his mistakes and apologize. alejandro loved being around him, and he loved who he was when he was around him. noah made him a better person, he made him want to be a better person.
but now, all alejandro is a shell of who he once was when he knew noah. he’s not the person he wants to be anymore, and he can’t be without noah. alejandro misses him more than life itself, but he’ll never see him again; all he can do is just hope that he will.
-
from inside the robot suit, alejandro wanted to throw up. noah was back on total drama, and he didn’t know how to feel about that. all his wishes made on shooting stars were answered, and he had noah back in his life again.
but on the other hand, alejandro was sure that noah didn’t think fondly of him. sure, maybe they did have an irreplaceable and one-of-a-kind bond that was hard to find, but alejandro also betrayed him. it could’ve been noah’s fault too for saying what he said, but if his emotions hadn’t gotten the better of him, alejandro would have never eliminated him.
he could’ve fixed it all if he had just talked to him and figured out why he said all those things. but instead, alejandro got rid of him from both the game and his life. there was no money in the world worth losing someone like noah. but alejandro treated him like there was, and now, he can no longer gaze into his beautiful eyes full of stars and dreams.
alejandro sighed. even if noah wasn’t here, he’d never be able to talk to him anyway, not as long as he was stuck in this robot suit. still, his heart hurt. alejandro missed seeing himself in noah’s eyes, he missed him.
-
it seems like miracles do happen because right now, alejandro was out of the robot suit and free to move once more. the state of his body was less than ideal, but he would take walking on his hands over being stuck in a cramped space anyday. this also meant that he could talk to noah again, but would that be a good choice?
for the first few days, noah went above and beyond to avoid alejandro, to pretend like he and what they had didn’t exist. alejandro tried talking to him, but every time he did, noah would either act like he had to go somewhere or just straight up ignore him. it hurt, it hurt badly.
alejandro knew that he messed up, so he couldn’t blame noah for being so cold, but if he could just explain himself, everything would be fine, they’d be fine. he just needed a second chance, but noah wouldn’t give it to him. he was hurt by him once, and he wasn’t going to risk being hurt by him twice.
but alejandro would treat him better, he’d do him better than before. he cared for him too much to ever even think about hurting him again. noah was the moon and the stars, he was the world and more to him. noah was everything, but he was only nothing to him.
alejandro just wanted to love him, but it seems like he can only do that from afar with an aching heart. some miracle.
-
as the show went on, more and more people were eliminated. alejandro watched as the numbers dwindled down to him, noah, and a few other people. at this point, alejandro wasn’t even sure if he wanted the money, he just wanted noah. he had to talk to him, if it was the last thing he ever did.
having been looking at noah for so long, alejandro knew that after dinner, noah went deep into the forest to read. he leaned against a tree, the structure cradling his body as flowers grew at his feet. if alejandro was going to talk to him, it had to be there.
hiding behind a tree, alejandro watched as noah delicately turned the pages, his eyes scanning each and every line. he looked so calm, so at peace. alejandro almost felt guilty for intruding on his alone time. but still, he had to do this, he just needed to find the perfect time to step out and talk to him-
crack
“who’s there?” noah jumped up, his voice steady yet scared. shit, he messed up. slowly, alejandro walked around the tree, his eyes meeting noah’s. first, he was shocked, then annoyed. it was clear that he didn’t want to see him, but alejandro did, more than anything.
hastily grabbing his book, noah tried to walk past him only for alejandro to grab his wrist and pull him back.
“wait!” alejandro pleaded, expecting noah to leave once more. but he didn’t, he stayed, but his eyes never met alejandro’s again.
“what do you want?” he spat out like poison on his lips.
“i- i want to talk to you,” alejandro answered, his heart practically jumping out his chest. all his confidence was gone, and he couldn’t help but feel pathetic.
“about what?”
alejandro felt his heart sink. he hated how indifferent noah sounded and acted. “about us.”
“what’s there to talk about?” there wasn't a single change in expression or tone, and alejandro wasn’t sure if it was because noah was too hurt to show anything, or if he genuinely just didn’t care. he hoped it was the former.
“noah…” alejandro felt his heart drop as he said his name. “you know what i’m talking about, and i can’t just leave this be.”
“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” noah answered almost too quickly. it felt impatient, like he wanted to leave as soon as possible. his responses felt automated, like he said the first thing he thought that would’ve protected his feelings.
“but you do,” alejandro said, “you do. we had something until i ruined it.”
finally, noah reacted. his frown deepened, but he looked weak in a way. he was tired, he was upset, he was lifeless. maybe he was just as hurt as alejandro was.
“it doesn’t matter,” noah said, his eyes full of desolate despair, “it’s in the past, and there’s nothing we can do about it now. besides, it wasn’t a big deal or anything.”
alejandro shook his head. “you say that, but i know you, i can see it in your eyes. you can’t possibly mean that after everything.”
“well”- noah gulped as he crossed his arms - “maybe i do.”
“but i know you don’t,” alejandro said, stepping closer. “we did so much together, we were clearly more than friends. i’ve seen every part of you and i adore every inch of you, and i know you feel the same.”
noah clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, but alejandro knew what he meant by that. he always did try to suppress his feelings by acting so insolent and rude.
“like i said, it doesn’t matter,” noah deflected, his words heavy as was his heart. “besides, we were dumb teenagers, it didn’t mean anything.”
his words hurt, but alejandro didn’t let that discourage him. “yes, maybe we were dumb teenagers, but…”
he walked closer, surprised to see that noah didn’t back away. alejandro gently grabbed ahold of noah’s hand and guided it to his chest, right over his beating heart, his soul and being that felt too much and too violently.
“that doesn’t mean i love you any less,” he said ever so softly, his quiet eyes pleading, begging noah for something more than this, for something better. but instead of being met with a warm smile, he was met with a cold, harsh gaze as noah swiped his hand away. alejandro’s heart wasn’t beating the same after that.
“don’t say that to me,” noah snapped, his scowl sharper than the blade of a knife, a knife that was pierced through alejandro’s faltering heart. “don’t fucking say that to me.”
“but it’s true,” alejandro pushed, desperate for that happy ending he always dreamt of, “i mean it with all that i am. i love you, noah-”
“don’t expect me to say it back just because you did.”
words laced with venom and expression pitifully painful, noah glared at him like a dog that bares his teeth, but noah would never bite him. he’s not vicious or angry, he’s just full of it. a band-aid can’t fix a bullet wound, and saying ‘i love you’ won’t make it hurt any less.
to say that alejandro didn’t expect this was a lie. he knew how noah was, and as real as his feelings once were, noah suppressed them to the best of his ability, forcing himself to move on. so of course noah was going to be cold, of course he was going to disregard everything alejandro said.
still, alejandro hoped that noah would prove him wrong and love him again.
“but why not?” alejandro asked as he choked back tears. “i know that you feel the same, so why not say it back?”
alejandro expected noah to say something snarky and rude like, ‘who said i ever felt the same?’, but to his surprise, he didn’t. he kept quiet, his eyes growing tired and weak. that wasn’t like him, that wasn’t like him at all.
“because we’re not worth it,” noah finally said, “none of this is worth it.”
“worth what?” alejandro asked, hoping that he could change his mind. but deep down, he knew better. what noah was going to answer with was going to utterly destroy him; but still, he wanted to know, he needed to know.
“the trouble, the torment, all this hurting.” noah spoke like he was trying to not care, but the tears welling up in his eyes told a different story. “we’re not worth all of that.”
“but noah, please, we can try,” alejandro begged, “as long as we communicate and- and be true to ourselves and each other, we won’t have to worry about getting hurt. noah, please.”
alejandro reached for noah’s hand, missing the touch of his always-cold skin against his always-hot one. when they were on world tour, his hand always completely enveloped noah’s, holding him dearly and close to his heart. alejandro could never actually hold noah, so his hand was more than enough. at least he had something.
but for the longest time, he didn’t, and he wasn’t going to anymore. as alejandro’s hand wrapped around noah’s wrist, he shook it off and backed away. alejandro’s eyes shot up to meet noah’s, and all he did was shake his head, a single tear trailing down his beautiful skin. this was the end, wasn’t it?
“i can’t love you when we’re not made for it.”
with those final words, noah walked past him, hiding his crying face from alejandro. once again, he left alejandro all by himself, just like everybody eventually does. after everything he’s gone through, alejandro couldn’t handle another heartbreak, but he was willing to break his heart every time for noah. but it seemed like noah didn’t feel the same, he couldn’t.
for once, alejandro thought that someone was going to finally stay, that someone was going to look at him and see him as a person, as a beautiful soul worth loving. he hoped that someone would be noah, but it wasn’t, and it never will be. alejandro has never felt more loved under noah’s gaze, but now, he wonders if it ever was love.
after all, he couldn’t even say ‘i love you’ back, no matter how much alejandro begged him to.