Chapter Text
"Hey lovelies! Welcome to the first ever episode of Q&A with the Grumps! Today, we are here with...the Grumps!" Suzy introduced. “We have a list of your guys’ questions, and we are gonna answer them for you guys...today!”
“I don't know which camera we're supposed to look into,” Danny confessed, glancing between them.
“Well, this one’s a close up and this one’s a wide, so,” Arin explained.
“Okay, I'll look into both of them!”
“I don't know what to do with my hands…” Kevin said.
“Put them on me,” Danny suggests.
“Sit on them,” Suzy said.
“That's the first question; what do we do with our hands?” Arin remarked.
“Hold your butt!”
Kevin wrapped his arms around Danny.
“Hold a friend. Hold your penis...what?” Arin mumbled.
“Alright, are you guys ready for this?” Suzy asked. The Grumps confirm.
"Alright, the very first question is for Ross and Mel! 'Are you two a couple?' Wow, very straightforward--or should I say...gay-forward!" Melvyn scoffed and imitated a drumset.
"Ba dum tiss, ha ha ha. You're so funny." Melvyn Dicianni was a very short, feisty Italian, with dyed red, ear length hair. His accent shined through subtly. He fidgeted in his (it was actually Ross’, but that didn't matter) hoodie, curled up at Ross’ side. “Yes. Next question.”
Unfortunately, the Grumps picked a bad couple of days to film the Q&A videos; Melvyn was not in a good mood. And that wasn't particularly problematic, as Melvyn was always in a bad mood, but he never had to film like that.
“Okay, moving on...do you guys keep a referenced catalog of the games in your collection?”
“Yes,” Arin deadpanned.
“Next question,” the Grumps all said in unison.
The questions continued for a while, each one with a funnier answer, and Mel was getting restless. It's not like any questions were for him, so why was he there? He had work to do! He had to remind himself that the very first question was for him and Ross, so there were probably more, but Ross could have answered those, right? Man, Melvyn just wanted out.
“So, this next question is for Ross,” Suzy read. “Ross, do you enjoy pushing people’s buttons?”
“Yes,” Ross said simply. Melvyn grinned at him, finding his smile adorable.
“You said to me, like, once, point-blank that you’re a fucking sadist,” Danny comments, and Melvyn bursted out laughing.
“He is a sadist!” Suzy exclaimed.
“We were looking up the definition of ‘sadist,’ and it was, like, ‘one who derives pleasure from the pain of others,’ and Ross was like, ‘yeah, I do that,’” Danny explained. They all laugh.
“There was one time we were sitting at Magfest and we were all sitting down, and I was eating a Caesar salad, and you were all eating and hanging out, and there was just complete silence, and then I said out of nowhere, ‘man, I just wanna watch the world burn,’” Ross recalled. “And everyone just looked at me, and I was like, ‘but, no, think about it; if you could just unnippitantly watch the world burn, wouldn’t it be kind of fun to see how people change and react?”
“Change? They’d die!”
“No, no, but, like, not in the literal sense of, like, ‘oh, everything’s on fire,’ but, like, the world falling down around you and, like, watching society crumble--”
“Babe, babe, we get it; you’re a sadist,” Melvyn said, patting his cheek.
“I said it would be beautiful in a horrible way.”
“Yeah, you’re a sadist,” Barry confirmed.
“...Am I?”
“Yeah, through and through.”
“Oh, that’s pretty cool.”
“At least you own it, you know?”
“Have you ever read The Art of War?” Arin asked.
“No, not yet, but I should,” Ross replied.
“You should read The Art of War.”
“You think I’d like it?”
“Yeah, I think so!”
“Yeah, you’re fucking cold blooded, like a reptile!”
“You’re like, ‘aw, neat, what’s the best way to murder people?’”
“Just the other night, you were so happy I was puking my brains out at your birthday,” Kevin added, “so happy.”
“Oh, I was!”
“Oh, I didn’t hear that happened!”
“I found his shoes and started laughing, and I was like, ‘Paulette, here’s his shoes.’”
“So giddy that I was sick.”
“Didn’t you have a trash bag over your head?”
“Yeah, I did.”
There was a pause. “Next question, please.”
“Wait, okay so you guys think I get like ‘special treatment’ from Ross because we’re dating, right?” Melvyn asked, diving in before they moved on.
“Yeah, because you do! All I hear from you is how nice Ross is!” Arin commented.
“No, but, see, the reason for that is because I’m like a fucking, um, sociopatico? Ross, what’s the English word for that again?”
“Sociopath, babe,” Ross told him, laughing. The Grumps all look incredibly confused.
“What? You’re so nice!” Suzy claimed.
“No, but seriously, I was watching Sherlock and I realized that he and I are very similar, so when he said he was a sociopath, I was like, ‘woah, what?’ And then I asked Ross to look it up, and he showed me the definition--”
“--And he was like, ‘oh, sociopatico!’ And, at first, I was like, ‘what the fuck did you just say?’ But, then I put two and two together,” Ross interrupted. Melvyn smacked him on the chest.
“Anyway, the definition is, like, ‘a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience,’ and I was like, ‘yeah, no, that seems about right.' Also, Ross, honey, you’re Italian is merda.” Ross gasped in faux offense.
“Alright, this one’s for everyone; who's your favorite Game of Thrones character?” Melvyn groaned.
“Just go down the line?” Danny suggested.
“Alright, so, my favorite Game of Thrones character is The Hound, uh, naturally ‘cause he's so badass,” Suzy enthused. “I love him. I have his helmet.”
“Uh, my favorite Game of Thrones character is Rickon. Rickon Stark. Uh, most compelling character on the entire show,” Arin praised sarcastically, “uh, written truly like a genius, um. One of the best characters ever, in cinema history, I think.”
“They should just name the show a Game of Rickon,” Barry commented.
“A Rickon of Rickon,” Danny and Arin both said. They made a few more Rickon puns before Ross answered.
“Tyrion, he's my favorite,” Arin threw in seriously.
“My favorite Game of Thrones character is George R.R. Martin ‘cause he gets to watch the world burn. Next question,” Ross deadpanned, and they all laughed, reminded of the earlier question about Ross’ sadism.
Melvyn sighed. “I don't watch Game of Thrones, nor have I read the books.”
“I love Jon Snow,” Danny answered. “Jon has always been my favorite, ever since I started reading the books, many, many years ago. Hang in there, Jonny boy.”
“I like Podrick,” Kevin blurted.
“Podrick’s the bomb,” Arin said. Kevin agreed.
“He's a ladies man.”
Barry answered with Davos, and the Grumps discussed. Mel sulked, attempting to better his mood by lacing his fingers with Ross’.
They answered a question about guests on Grumpcade, and Mel's only source of entertainment is Ross’ blunt and sarcastic answer of, “No, the show’s over. Go home.” He zoned out until someone said his name.
“We're gonna get Melvyn on, as soon as we get him to stop spacing out and also to stop working,” Danny said pointedly, snapping his fingers in front of Mel's face. The much shorter man jolted.
“What? Oh, right, yeah. Woo. Games,” he muttered. Danny gave him a concerned look, and Ross squeezed his hand.
The next question was about the length of a Grumps session, and Ross wrapped an arm around Mel's shoulders, adjusting their hands. Danny and Arin answered a question, and then another.
“Alright, here's another question for everyone; were any of you inspired by any other YouTubers to make Game Grumps/your channel, and if so, who?”
Ross muttered in confusion, and Danny said, “Were you inspired by any other YouTubers, Ross?”
“To make Game Grumps?”
“To make anything you've done.”
“Like, for example, my channel, Mortem3r? Heavily inspired by grav3yardgirl. She's, like, a huge inspiration to me. I love her channel. And then, Kitty Kat Gaming? My gaming channel is heavily influenced by Game Grumps,” Suzy answered. “And, meeperfish, my animation channel, was inspired by Arin, Egoraptor.”
Danny ‘aw’ed. “Are you saying I'm your main inspiration?” Arin asked. Suzy confirmed, playing with his hair.
“You were, like, around YouTube forever, though.”
“Yeah, I mean, I've been around since, like, Newgrounds and stuff,” Arin agreed. He listed a few people Mel'd never heard of. He talked about Game Grumps. Ross gave a vague answer and praised a Newgrounds animator.
“Mel? What inspired your channel?”
Mel froze up a little. “Well, uh, my channel is super old, I made it when I was like 16, and I wasn't really planning on my channel ever becoming anything, especially since I could barely speak English, and even more so when I moved here. I mean, no one really inspired me before. It was just a place where I pretended I knew what I was doing and did stuff like covers of emo songs and crappy speed paints, but when it started evolving and I got into animation, I was heavily inspired by Ross.” He stumbled to add embarrassedly, “and Arin, and with music, Danny and Brian. Even before I started working here.”
The whole group ‘aw’ed, and Ross, Arin, and Danny gave him a hug. "Are you saying that I'm your main inspiration?” Ross mocked. Melvyn nodded, playing with his hair and mocking Suzy. They all laughed.
Danny's answer was simple; “For me, um--I was outside the YouTube world when I started making YouTube videos, so it was mostly stuff like Lonely Island, Flight of the Conchords, Tenacious D. They were the inspiration for NSP.” His simple answer turned into a deep discussion before it turned to Kevin.
“Well, I don't have a YouTube channel. I mean, I did a long time ago, in high school, but you will never know about it.”
Everyone shot him accusing questions. When everything died down, Kevin finished his answer. “No, but, I'm really inspired by Freddy W., and SuperTramp. I love watching their videos, so.” Barry answered the question, his answer similar to Dan’s.
Suzy did the intro for the next episode, and Arin made a farting noise with his hands. Melvyn giggled. The first question was about how Ross moved from Australia to America. “And, since we're on this topic, how did Mel move from Italy to America.”
“I got on a plane,” Ross deadpanned. They joked, trying to get him to elaborate, and Melvyn wanted to just get up and leave, but it was his turn.
“I got on many different planes,” he sassed. Arin asked why he moved to America, and the actual story, and he tensed.
“Well, I moved here when I was around 18. I actually met Ross around then. He helped me learn English, since I literally could not speak a word of it when I got here, and also we kinda helped each other out, being the foreigners at our college. As for why...I moved here on my own because I was having...family issues...and I ended up moving in with one of my distant relatives.” They didn't ask for details, but they did gush about him and Ross.
Surprisingly, there were more questions about Mel. He supposed it was because he was a newbie. “Can you say something in Italian? Maybe something romantic to Ross?”
Melvyn laughed his ass off for about five minutes before he got down on one knee in front of his boyfriend. “Ti amo, fottuto sfigato. Sei l'amore della mia vita, ma poi di nuovo io mi ami una pizza, quindi potrebbe sostituire alla fine si.”
Ross grinned. “I have no clue what any of that means. Except--ti amo means ‘I love you,’ right? And pizza is in there. It's too long to just be ‘I love you more than pizza.’”
“I love you, you fucking nerd. You're the love of my life, but then again, I do love me some pizza, so I might replace you eventually,” Mel translated, giggling. They all laughed.
“Okay, so the next question is ‘what is your favorite anime?’”
Arin gasped excitedly. “Right now, Space Dandy,” Suzy answered. They all mutter in agreement.
“That’s a good one,” Arin commented, before realizing it was his turn. “Oh! Uh...snap. I don’t know.”
“Is this all time?” Kevin asked.
“All time favorite,” Suzy confirmed. She gave a few examples, and Arin said ‘Sailor Moon’ in a stereotypical Japanese accent. They suggested Dragon Ball, and Arin agreed, saying that it was the most inspirational.
“Dragon Ball Z, specifically. I just read a lot of manga, tezuka manga, like, Astro Boy and Blackjack. Blackjack’s my favorite manga, if that helps.”
“That’s not the question,” Melvyn said impatiently, clearly passionate about the subject.
“Damn it!” Arin exclaimed. “I don’t know, Bleach!” They all laugh, before he took back his previous statement. “I hate Bleach.”
Ross listed a bunch of different animes, and Melvyn punched his arm. “Mel, what’s your favorite anime?”
“All of them,” he whispered dramatically. “No, it has to be Sword Art Online. I love that anime. It was my first anime, as well. Although, the second half of the second season was merda.” He cut his answer short, not wanting to drag on.
“Danny, do you have a favorite anime?”
“Yes, I do, Suzy, thanks for asking. Um, my favorite has always been Cowboy Bebop, ever since college--”
“That was gonna be my answer!” Kevin commented.
“Yeah, good stuff. Attack on Titan hit me pretty hard, that was really, really good, so.”
“Ugh, I never liked Attack on Titan,” Melvyn said, earning gasps from everyone. “I just never got into it! It was so overrated, like Death Note, except that was good. I was never interested in Attack on Titan.” They all pretended to shun him. They skip Kevin, and Barry answers.
“I’m relatively new to the world of anime, but I watched Death Note, and, like Melvyn said, that was good, so.”
After a question for Suzy, the question was ‘what’s all of your favorite Pokemon,’ and Mel made a noise halfway between a choking llama and an excited seal, and started hitting Ross repeatedly on the arm. “Jesus Christ, chill, dude!” Danny laughed.
“Mel really loves Pokemon,” Ross excused, wrapping his arms around the overexcited Italian.
“Eevee! I love Eevee more than I love Ross, and I love Ross a lot,” Melvyn tried to say. Unfortunately, in his excitement, it didn’t come out in English, and all the Grumps heard was, “Eevee! Amo Eevee più di quanto io amo Ross, e mi piace molto Ross.” They all burst into laughter, and Mel embarrassedly repeats the answer in English. Ross kisses his cheek.
“Ditto! My favorite Pokemon is Ditto!” Barry answered, a tiny bit less enthusiastic than Mel, but still excitedly.
“Blastoise,” Ross answered.
“Stantler,” Danny followed.
“Squirtle,” Kevin said after a moment. While the rest of them discuss Kevin’s choice, which ends up being Melvyn shouting stats and cool facts about Squirtle in both Italian and English almost simultaneously, the camera zooms in on Barry as he whispers, ‘Ditto.’
“I would say--not to sound cliche--Pikachu. I really like Pikachu,” Suzy answered, throwing in a couple more.
“If Pikachu’s your favorite, that’s a good thing; there’s Pikachu shit everywhere,” Arin commented.
“Yeah, you can’t find Ditto shit anywhere,” Barry added. They talk more about this, sharing stories about their experiences with Pokemon merch shopping. Arin says his favorite Pokemon is Scizor. Everyone goes silent, however, as the next question is about Arin playing as a woman. It was a long, interesting discussion, except…
Mel fell asleep.
He hadn’t meant to, but Ross was comfy, and everything was quiet, so he just...did. Well, until the rest of them figured it out. “Oh, my God, guys, look at how fucking cute he is!” Ross says, whipping out his phone. “Guys, guys take a picture of him so I can put it on my Instagram!” They all laugh, and Suzy takes the picture. Needless to say, she left the flash on, and it woke Mel up. He was a light sleeper.
“Huh, what?” They laughed at him, pretending nothing happened. The next question was for Ross. “Ross, how often do the other Grumps pick on you when you’re not filming?”
“Never, I’m fucking ripped. Next question.” Mel might have been tired before, but Ross had to hold him up so he didn’t fall off of the couch since he was laughing so hard. He wiped the tears off of his face with the sleeve of his (once again, it’s Ross’, but who cares, right?) hoodie.
“Well, I mean, I knew it was coming. This one’s for everyone. Do you ever look back and feel overwhelmed by what you’ve accomplished?”
They all gave a big spiel about how it’s less about what they have accomplished and more about what they have to accomplish, and all threw in comments and branched off until it was a long ass explanation for a ‘no.’
“But--sorry, can I..?--The thing that I feel is most accurate is that, while it’s definitely more important to me that there are other things to do, and I definitely get Danny’s kind of, I guess, short-lived...Ross, what’s that one word? The one that’s like, happiness but also the name of a drug?” Mel said.
“Ecstasy?”
“Yes, grazie. That short-lived ecstasy of like, ‘wow, holy fuck, I did that,’ and it sort of depends, to me at least, how other people were affected by it, I guess? For example, my very first animation, or at least, my very first serious, long animation was probably my proudest achievement, because I still get comments and tweets saying that that animation inspired others to start animating, or gave some people that boost that they needed, and stuff like that gets me overwhelmed because I actually made a difference in someone’s life. But, like, other stuff like a really good drawing, or a perfectly hit note in a song, that stuff, while still important, doesn’t ever even phase me for more than a few hours.”
“That’s because you’re constantly fucking working,” Ross points out, and Mel shrugs.
Suzy did the intro for yet another episode, and Mel was getting really restless. All the talk about work had him itching to, well, work. The first question was about Dan’s hair, and the second was about Arin’s animation series, Sequelitis. “The next question’s for everybody, and it’s, ‘did you ever play an instrument in school?’”
Suzy explained how she played the acoustic and electric guitar for all of about 5 seconds, and how she can play a mean triangle and cymbals. Arin talked about his amazing recorder skills, and the struggles with tone, and how he tried to play guitar, but couldn’t, and also his failed attempt at playing the flute. Suzy added that she played the canter, which she said was ‘the beginning of playing bagpipes.'
“I used to play electric guitar. I was actually really into it, and I got so good that my dad had to ground me. And, I got asked into Van Halen but they said that my jams were too tasty,” Ross recalled. Melvyn and Danny laughed, and Arin and Ross discussed Ross’ skill to play the James Bond theme. Danny talked about how he tried many different instruments throughout his life, and how it never stuck, even after years of trying. Kevin said he played guitar and piano, and how he ‘killed at karaoke.’ Barry played the alto saxophone in the 6th grade, and then played the guitar through high school, and ‘noodled’ with a ukulele in the office.
“Alright, next question’s for Dan--”
“No, wait, you forgot Mel!” Ross announced. Mel shrunk down, hitting him in the chest.
“Ah, yes! Why don’t you tell us about your musical talents, Melvyn?” Danny added.
“Oh, vaffanculo ragazzi,” he mutters. “I, uh, my family has a really musical background, so I guess...I play a little of everything? I gravitate towards lighter, prettier sounding instruments, like the ukulele--I play the ukulele a lot, but never around people, and I haven’t done a song with it yet, but I’m working on one--and like, piano. But, I did play the flute, when I was in school--keep in mind, Italian schools are fucking weird, so it wasn’t in school, it was just around that time--and I play the guitar and bass, and I picked up the drums sort of recently. And, of course, I sing. So, I play a lot of instruments.”
Dan’s question was about how he got the name ‘Sexbang,’ and the next question was about college. Dan talked about his college experience and whether or not he recommends it, and Arin followed up with his own. Everyone jumped in on the discussion, and Kevin and Barry brought up their college experience.
“And, also, I mean, I personally recommend it because you meet a lot of the people you’re probably gonna spend your life with. I mean, I met Ross in college, and it scares me sometimes because I almost didn’t go. I was literally ready to drop out, and I was barely halfway into the semester, but it was such a hard time for me, as I’d just moved to America, and then I had to go to college, and it was so much money, and I couldn’t afford anything, and it was so horrible, but--as cliche as this sounds--then I met Ross, and my entire life just turned around. He helped me pull everything together and I’ve never been so grateful for anyone in my life, and it just scares me to think that if I had given up, I wouldn’t have ever signed up to help out the foreign kids, which I decided to do because I was like, ‘if I’m gonna suffer this badly, I wanna help out the other foreigners so they don’t fuck up,’ than I would’ve never met Ross, and I probably would’ve dropped out and I honestly think I wouldn’t even be here today.” He realized that they were all looking at him, and he was crying, and Ross had this look on his face that looked like he was falling in love all over again. Mel wiped the tears away. “I guess the point is, try it. Try it, give it some time, and if you really don’t like it, than that’s all you, but at least give it a shot because you could meet your Ross at college.”