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“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”
They say the saddest people smile the brightest. Tony didn’t think this was true. The man had experienced depression among other mental health issues and he could never force himself to grin and bear it. No, when he was in the midst of his depression, his brain played tricks on him—told him not to even bother getting out of bed. It’s not worth it.
The genius was doing much better now. He went to therapy, took his medication, practiced self-care, the whole nine yards. That wasn’t to say he didn’t have bad days because he did. Somedays he woke up and knew it would be one of those days. Sometimes his mind would flash to Afghanistan. Sometimes his brain would remind him of New York.
But now Tony had enough coping mechanisms to deal with his dumpster fire of a mind. Still, he thought he knew depression well enough to be able to tell when someone else was going through it, especially when someone close to him was battling the illness.
Oh how wrong he was.
The sun began to dip below the horizon. It was relatively early for Peter to be leaving the workshop. Often on weekends, he stayed until Sunday. Not this time, however. The teenager complained he was stressed from school and wanted to catch up on homework. He also “wanted to sneak in a quick patrol before returning to his apartment.”
Tony laughed and let him go. But as Peter was in such a rush to leave, he didn’t notice a loose leaf paper slipping out from his school supplies. The vigilante was out the door before Tony could call his name.
The man couldn’t help but chuckle at Peter’s energy. He was always so eager to help others. Tony might as well return the favor and keep the boy’s homework safe until he could swing by to pick it up.
Yet, as Tony read the title, he had the sinking feeling this wasn’t a homework assignment. And if it was, it was extremely unusual.
Reasons not to Die.
Was Peter… having suicidal thoughts? No, that couldn’t be. Peter Parker was the definition of happy. He was like a golden retriever puppy. Energetic, loving, cuddly. He couldn’t be suicidal. Tony refused to believe it.
1. May would be heartbroken if I died
Tony’s heart shattered. Even if Peter wasn’t actively suicidal, he was thinking about death and dying. That was never a good sign.
He knew this was private. That Peter likely never wanted him to see this list. But as Peter’s mentor, he'd be damned if he lost the kid to this awful illness. He had to keep reading.
3. New York needs Spider-Man
7. I’d never get to build LEGOs with Ned again
12. Mr. Stark would probably miss me
Tony took a deep breath. In and out. In and out. In and out.
He couldn’t believe it. Peter was actually thinking about suicide. He always seemed so happy and yet here were a plethora of reasons the teen listed out not to die. As if he was trying to convince his own brain he shouldn’t just end it all.
“Friday?”
“Yes boss?” she replied. “Your heart rate seems to be elevated and you’re shaking. May I suggest–”
“Not now, Fri,” Tony snapped. “Just,” the man takes a breath once again. In and out. In and out. “Get Peter here. Please. Tell him it’s an emergency.”
“Of course, boss,” Friday complied. The A.I. knew better than to argue with Tony when his anxiety got the best of him.
Ten minutes later, Spider-Man comes rushing into the workshop. “Mr. Stark, are you okay?” he asks, ripping off his mask to reveal Peter’s brown curls and bambi eyes. “Karen said it was an emergency and I needed to get here right away. What happened? Is it aliens? Did something happen with one of your projects? How can I—”
The teen stops his rambling when Tony embraces him in a hug. “Oh…” he murmurs. “This is nice.”
They stand there for a few minutes. Tony just holding Peter and rocking him back and forth. Relishing in the fact that Peter is okay. The genius knows he can’t protect him from mental illness but for a moment everything feels okay.
“Mr. Stark?” Peter asks after they break the hug. “What’s going on?”
Tony sighs. “I found your list.”
“My list?”
“Your list,” Tony repeats. “Of… of reasons not to die.”
The color drains from Peter’s face. He tries to laugh it off at first. “That was just… to remind myself to be safe when I’m patrolling,” he says. It’s a weak argument. Both of them know it isn’t true.
“Peter,” Tony says. “Please. Talk to me, bambino. It’s just me and you.”
Tears begin to form in Peter’s eyes. “I don’t want to die, Mr. Stark. I don’t want to self-harm either,” he says. “But… my thoughts… they’re horrible… I can’t stop thinking about self-harming. I can’t stop thinking about suicide.”
“Baby ,”
“I swear I don’t want to, Mr. Stark!” Peter exclaims. “You saw the list. I don’t want to die. I have reasons to live. Multiple reasons to live,” he says. “Why does my brain hate me so much?”
“It’s torture,” Peter says. “I wish the bad thoughts would shut up, Mr. Stark. I don’t want them. But I don’t know how to get rid of them besides…” he begins to sob. “Besides acting on them.”
Tony holds Peter tighter. “It’s gonna be okay, buddy,” he soothes. “We’ll get you help. It’s not going to be like this forever. I promise this won’t be forever.” He rubs Peter’s back as he cries into his mentor’s chest. “Do you know how strong you are, kiddo?” he asks. “Many people… it’s difficult to resist these thoughts and they end up hurting themselves or…” Tony swallows. “Or attempting suicide. You’re so strong for resisting. You’re so brave!”
“Don’t feel very brave,” Peter murmurs.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Tony says, placing a kiss on Peter’s forehead. “One day, this will be a distant memory. These thoughts and feelings won’t last forever.”
“It’s going to be okay.”