Work Text:
Zee is alone.
No, surrounded by the vast majority of the cast, in a busy outdoors, with a brightening atmosphere.
But alone.
The word dances around in his head, taunting him.
Numerous times, “Alone, alone!”
Haunting, even.
Playa des Losers was full of chatter, full of people.
Zee was never biased - never, ever. Always going with the flow, finding it easy to slip next to someone and strike up a conversation. And he didn’t always fully understand what was going on, amongst the person he’d be talking to, and others.
And Zee never wanted things to turn out so badly.
He was a small fraction of the cast, but it had been divided into small groups.
Zee did not fit into any of them.
Zee is just ‘a contestant in Total Drama Island’. Meanwhile others are so much more than just that. Raj and Wayne are the Hockey Bros, Bowie is with them due to romance perks. Julia and MK have their own thing going on, which Zee can’t put an exact label to really. Chase and Ripper are in some bromance (bordering romance?) relationship, and their respected exes are chatting away. Emma looks joyful to talk to Axel, and Axel seems to be warming up to the idea of having a friend. Damien, Millie and Priya are a close bunch, and Caleb finds himself chatting away with them due to his confusing (to Zee) relationship with Priya. Nichelle is close to Damien, and Damien is happy with switching between her and the group. Damien is cool, probably the person closest to Zee in the competition (not that it matters when Zee doesn’t have friends that stay).
Scary Girl- Lauren is alone, but she prefers it that way?
Perhaps Zee will be happier…
Would be.
But it’s impossible to be happier when all Zee is, is a member of the TDI cast. He has no depth, no real friends, no closeness, because he never wanted to be anything more than people to be happy. If people are happy without him, then there is no use for him to try to make them happier. Why try and fix something that isn’t broken?
But Zee isn’t happy. Maybe it’s his job to connect people despite his own misery? He feels like this a lot, so his closest companion has to make do.
Weed.
Nobody had ever stayed long enough for a real bond to form, so he indulged in something that’d never go away, so long as his dependence on it grew as he smoked more often. Maybe if he.. No. it won’t work. Any time Zee tries to get his life organised, he returns to cannabis.
His addiction to the stuff wasn’t so bad, truly? He owns 4 plants in his room, he smokes daily. Stoned or not, he’s always available to chat and share some either strangely good or inconceivably awful advice. But it’s Zee! He’s the comedy relief. Nobody ever takes him seriously, as though he’s not human.
…
..
What if he wasn’t? What if Zee was simply just a tool for other’s amusement? Would it be better?
He rolls the blunt skillfully, and familiarly, and lights it.
Inhale.
Why does nobody care? Zee shouldn’t care this much, nobody else should-
Exhale.
Inhale.
It’s not his fault that everyone drifted apart and left to their own devices. It’s not his fault that everyone’s split off into their own groups without him. Right?
Exhale
Inhale.
But it’s just a Zee thing. Just a Zee thing, nobody else has problems with abandonment. Just a Zee thing, surely.
Exhale.
…why isn’t this thing doing anything? When he needs it most? More, more, just inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale.
Inhale.
People shouldn’t care about Zee. He has himself, and his weed, and a crippling addiction to it.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
There’s no time for thoughts. Thoughts make Zee upset, Zee doesn’t want to be upset. But why is it taking so long for it to kick in? Maybe his tolerance has built. He needs more.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
In-
Out-
Zee starts coughing, and spluttering. This much, so quickly, so suddenly, in this inconceivable desire to not think logically or emotionally. His eyes water more, cough after cough, and he can feel countless eyes boring holes into his head. People are gonna be concerned for him, they shouldn’t be. Everyone is surrounded by their friends, and Zee has no one. People shouldn’t go out of their way to make sure Zee is okay, because in an ideal world it’s Zee who has to look out for others.
So Zee takes a sip of his soda once the coughing subsides, and he feels dreadful.
Inhale.
Zee doesn’t want to feel this way. His misery stemming from the actions of other people, that shouldn’t even affect him so much.
Exhale.
Inhale.
It’s not like all of these people have conflict with each other, they just don’t want to be seen together. These groups they’ve formed, Zee wants to talk to them, but Zee doesn’t fit in anywhere specific. Zee’s just a Total Drama contestant like the rest of them, why can’t they get along just for that?
Exha-
There’s a hand on his shoulder. Zee doesn’t want to look away from the sunset, from his isolated corner of Playa des Losers. But there’s something so alluring about the firmness of the grip, and the concern it conveys. He turns, and Damien stands with a worried expression.
“Dude, you okay?”
The words were so sacred. Had anyone ever asked him so genuinely before?
“I dunno man. I got a lot on my mind.” Zee answers plainly and honestly. There was no point in hiding anything if he was asked - Zee is an open book and only (barely) keeps others’ secrets.
“You wanna talk about it? I’m here to listen.”
So Zee talks about it. About it all. About feeling abandoned, about making people feel better, and how being stoned usually helped, but no matter how many times he tried this time, nothing could cloud the disparities he felt. Everything he said felt like another exhale, another puff of smoke, but it cleansed him.
And Damien nods, Damien listens. Damien cares, and Zee buries himself in his shoulders as he pours out his heart. Damien takes his hands and tells him, “I won’t leave you this time, Zee.” as the sun falls and everyone leaves but them.
Butterflies come tumbling out too in shaky ‘thank you’s and tighter squeezes around Damien’s body.
“I’m gonna stop talking now. I think I’m so exhausted from… everything.” Zee sits down on a sun lounger and buries his head in his hands.
“Zee, I hope I’m not too forward when I ask you this, but do you have abandonment issues?”
The question feels out of the blue despite being very on topic, Zee contemplates it, for a moment, and strings together a logical thought train for the first time in a while.
“Yeah dude. It’s okay to ask me this stuff, ask me anything.”
“But how do you feel being asked?”
Damien’s tones are soft, and full of care. It hurts, it hurts Zee so much, to feel this loved, like he was incapable of being loved before.
“I dunno, Damien. I don’t know how to feel about, like, anything anymore. Except sad, and grateful you’re not gonna leave me right now.”
Damien brushes a strand of Zee’s hair out the way and cups his face. “I promise, tonight, you won’t be alone Zee.”
Zee is 1/16 of the cast. Damien is 1/16 of the cast. So small individually, but together make 1/8.
Just one change, just one small fraction, and Zee felt bigger.