Chapter Text
Harry was having an identity crisis.
At least, that's what Hermione called it.
Supposedly, since he had spent most of the last decade trying to survive, he hadn't had much time to think about his gender.
Or maybe it's just that his gender had never been an issue before. It always just...was.
Granted, when Harry was little, he had tried to understand, but his middle school library didn't have any information on anatomy, let alone 'Sissy Boys.'
That's what he was.
A Sissy Boy.
At least, that's what the Dursleys had called him, and, as he was just a little kid who didn't know any better, Harry believed them.
Sissy Boys were weak and stupid, and they didn't have a penis like Real Boys.
Sissy Boys were freaks.
And Harry had been twice as freakish because of the accidental magic that he didn't understand.
Looking back, Harry could see how their influence shaped his understanding of the world and himself. Their treatment of him was still engrained on his psyche.
The Mind Healer Harry had seen after the war wasn't very helpful when it came to things like that though. Sure, they had helped him understand his panic attacks and how to work through them. They helped with finding coping mechanisms for when everything became too much. They had even started him down this path of self-discovery.
It was actually them who had suggested he attend Hogwarts for the 'eighth year' McGonagall had offered his class. Supposedly, it would be good for him to have the chance to be a normal teenager.
Well, here he was, back at Hogwarts, and he felt anything but normal. Though, Harry had to admit, that was a comfort in its own right. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if all he had going on was classes and gossip.
Maybe that was why he had dove head-first into this particular issue. This was something tangible. Researchable. Understandable.
On the first day of classes, Harry skipped lunch in favor of perusing the library alone. All he could think about during his morning classes was seeing if the Hogwarts library had the information his middle school library hadn't. Surely it must.
As he wandered up and down the aisles, Harry's mind strayed to other distractions. He assumed Hermione was at lunch—seeing as they didn't even have homework yet—and Ron hadn't come back for eighth year. He was in Diagon working with George.
That had led to a lot of yelling and crying, and now Ron and Hermione weren't speaking to each other.
Again.
And while Harry had stayed far away from that minefield, Ron wasn't talking to him right now either.
He and Hermione were on speaking terms, but they didn't do much speaking, even before the fighting. They mostly sat in each other's company, both terrified of being alone.
After twenty minutes of wandering up and down the aisles, Harry finally gave in and asked Madam Pince for directions.
While he was terrified of the shriveled old shrew, she did direct him to the proper section, scowling suspiciously all the while. He made his way over to the shelves and stared at the books blankly.
He could feel Pince's eyes on him, so he pulled a book down at random, flipping it over and pretending to read the synopsis. After a few moments, he looked back up at the shelf and grabbed two more books from different shelves.
Confident that at least one would be able to answer his questions, Harry took the books back to Pince to check them out. He put them into his bag and there they sat the rest of the day.
He went to his afternoon classes and kept his eyes on the teacher or his notes, but his mind never strayed from the books in his bag and the answers they might hold.
When he finally made it to the eighth-year common room after dinner, Harry went straight to his room. He had his own with a private bathroom—Thank Merlin—; so, he grabbed the library books and flopped onto his bed.
Examining them, he thought he did a pretty good job blindly grabbing. The first was Sex versus Gender. The second, Anatomy for Dummies. And the third was just called Trans. Harry still wasn't sure what 'trans' meant, but McGonagall and Pomfrey had both used the term when asking about him in first year. So, at the very least, he could finally learn what it meant.
He started with the anatomy book, flipping until he got to the section labeled Male v Female. The cover page just had symbols and things on it, so he turned to the next page.
Here, there was a drawing on each page. Both the male and female were just outlines with their organs showing. A big arrow pointed to the female's gut, pointing out the additional organ labeled 'The Uterus.' Harry frowned and turned the page again, a sinking feeling in his gut.
There were two more drawings, this time zoomed in and slightly from the side.
Harry wasn't stupid. He had looked down there before and he knew it was definitely not what was drawn on the 'male' figure.
He turned the page again and was greeted with 'The Vagina.'
Harry’s stomach rioted. He leaped off the bed and sprinted for the bathroom.
When all of his dinner had made a reappearance, he sat on the floor. Putting his back against the wall, Harry pulled his knees up, hiding his face.
Female
Male
Sissy
Boy
Female
Sissy
Boy
Male
Female
"Harry?"
He jumped as he felt Hermione's hand on his ankle. Her face was blurry, but he could see her furrowed brows.
"Harry, are you ill? Do you need to go to Madam Pomfrey?"
Harry just stared at her. His mind was spinning too fast to grasp what she was saying, let alone formulate a response.
Seeing his blank, unfocused look, Hermione sighed.
She left to fetch his school robes, which had been tossed carelessly over his desk chair. Walking back to Harry, she pulled the Walkman out of one of the pockets and turned it on.
She held the headset up to one ear to make sure it was playing before slowly reaching out to put it over both of his. Then she picked his glasses up off the floor, cleaned them with a tap of her wand, and put those on him too.
When his hands came up to adjust the way his glasses and the headphones sat on his ears, Hermione sighed in relief.
She went back out into his room, putting his robes in the hamper, and grabbed his charms book from his bag to read.
She was about to go back to the bathroom to sit with him when she noticed the books on Harry's bed. Curious, she went over to look and gasped.
"Oh, Harry."
Not wanting to overwhelm him, she left the books and went to sit beside him on the bathroom floor. At least she knew what this was about. Usually when he had an episode, what set him off was anyone's guess.
This?
This they had been expecting.
This, Hermione was prepared for.
So, she sat across from Harry on the floor of the bathroom, waiting for the storm raging in his mind to slow.
It was a surprisingly short while before Harry paused his music. He even took the headphones off, wrapping them gently around the player. He stood, still a little shaky, and dropped a brief kiss to the top of Hermione's head in thanks before making his way back to his bed.
Hermione followed him and sat at his desk as he pulled pajamas out of his trunk. She was already dressed for bed, having only come seeking him to check in and say good night.
Hermione was glad she came.
As the desk and the bathroom door sat along the same wall, Hermione couldn't see into the bathroom from her seat. So, Harry left the door open as he went in to change and brush his teeth. As she had expected, Harry started talking once he was out of sight.
Unexpectedly, he didn't ask if she already knew or why they hadn't told him. No. Instead, he asked, "You know what the worst part is?"
It was rhetorical, but she answered anyway, "That you're only just now getting to figure this out?"
He snorted, "Nah, I've never had great timing."
He had a point.
"No. The worst part is that I knew. Or should have known. Or-" He paused, and she could picture him running his hands over his face, glasses askew. "Part of me had to have known first year with how everyone was asking all those weird questions. And I had to have known third year when Remus was telling me about-"
He trailed off, but Hermione knew. Remus had told Harry about his parents. About how they were expecting a baby girl. About how they would have loved to see who he had become, no matter what.
"I just didn't want it to be true."
Hermione could hear him brushing his teeth. She had no idea what to say to that.
When he came out of the bathroom, Hermione stood, holding her arms out in invitation. Harry didn't always accept hugs, especially not after having an episode, but he did this time.
In another life, he might have been taller than her. As it was, he was painfully small and frail.
Even years of Hogwarts' feasts and Molly's cooking couldn't make up for a decade of malnourishment. Especially since he had still spent his summers at Privet Drive.
Another wave crashed through him as Harry realized he wasn't just small for his age; he was small for a boy. Hermione was average height, and he was almost as tall as her. Which meant he was normal height.
For a girl.
Taking a deep breath, Harry pulled away. "Does this mean I have to wear a skirt now?"
The question startled a laugh out of Hermione before she could suppress it. Harry was smiling too, but the worry in his eyes belittled the effect.
"You don't have to do anything,” she promised. “You could go on like you have been and no one would know the difference."
Harry nodded to himself. But... Did he want to go on like he had been?
"Or," she continued, "You can keep reading those books and decide for yourself who it is you want to be. This isn't an all-or-nothing, Harry."
He looked back up at her, confusion etched into his face.
She smiled and went over to his bed, picking up Sex versus Gender and Trans. "These are a great start, and I know a few others that might be helpful too. Don't be afraid to ask, Okay? And-" She choked off and switched directions, "You can write to Charlie too; they're nonbinary. They might be able to help you with more specific questions."
Something 'clicked' for Harry at the mention of Charlie. How the second eldest Weasley wasn't exactly masculine, but also not very feminine.
Both and Neither.
At the same time.
Harry looked down at the books in his hands and nodded again. He went over to sit on the edge of his bed, studying their covers. Hermione kissed his head and left, calling for him to try to sleep at least a bit tonight; even though they both knew he wouldn't.
Sighing, he settled back against the headboard, opened Sex versus Gender, and began to read.