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The sun was mocking him, sinking lower in the sky all day long even though Jeff begged it to stay put. Nevermind the science and reason behind the rise and fall of the sun, he simply wished the moon would never start to wax or wane on this day. If the sun never set, if he never saw the moon, then the night would never come.
“Did you water the plants?” Nick’s voice asked from the kitchen. The smell of simmering chicken and vegetables filled their Chicago apartment, as the sounds of the evening city filled the silence their moods created.
Jeff did his best to suppress a sigh before answering, trying to keep his emotions in check. It wasn’t fair to Nick for him to be overly emotional right now. It wasn’t right to be resentful and wish the moon would never rise. Nick deserved this; he needed this. To ask him not to go would be asking him to deny his very identity. Just as asking Jeff to fill the roll would be asking him to go against his nature. He couldn’t do it, and neither could Nick. This was a necessary evil in their lives.
“Yeah, I watered them before I left for class this afternoon.” Jeff said as casually as he could, rounding the corner into their tiny kitchenette area. It wasn’t a large kitchen, or a large apartment for that matter, but it was theirs. Nick and Jeff’s.
“Thanks.” He got in response, the Switch turning over this shoulder to smile at the submissive as well, before turning his eyes back to his cooking.
Nick always cooked on this night, his silent apology. Even when he was trying to play the day off like it was any other in their lives, Jeff could still see the tension in his muscles. It sat heavy on his lover’s back and shoulders, making him rigid and stiff. He had to wonder how much of that was from misplaced guilt and how much was from the need for a release Jeff could not give him.
With Nick’s eyes not on him, Jeff closed his for just a moment, trying to draw strength. He could do this. Honestly, he should be used to it by now. This was the way it had been for nearly two years now. It should be routine to see the love of his life walk out the door for a night, sometimes two, to meet someone that was not him; someone that could give Nick what he needed.
But it wasn’t routine and perhaps it never would be. Nearly three years into a committed relationship and it still hurt each and every time the date came up. It had taken nearly two years after graduating Dalton for them to get together in the first place. They had resisted as much as they could. Turning to strangers and barely there acquaintances when the person they wanted was right beside them all along. They lived together, laughed together, sharing a college and a dorm, but never each other.
Because all the books and training told them not to dare, not to try. It wouldn’t end well. Switches and submissives simply couldn’t last in a relationship without a third party. The Switch would always need to be dominated and a submissive would never be able to be anything other than a switch. It was psychology. It was biology. It was destiny. And entering into any sort of arrangement of the sort was a fool’s errand even the government wouldn’t permit.
“Alright, did you want to set the table? This is ready now. Just needs a moment too cool off.” Nick said, finally turning off the eye of the stove and turning around.
Jeff nodded, doing his best to smile as he moved farther into the kitchen. Their small walkway didn’t give much room for two grown men to stand there together, but they did this all the time. Moving together and around each other, touching without care or thought. Though it was always that much more poignant on this date. Each brush of the finger tips made Jeff want to drop on his knees, to grab hold of his lover and beg, plead.
”Don’t leave me. I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll be the best boy ever if you stay. Please, Sir.”
The words would mean nothing, though they would probably work. Nick would cancel his appointment and spend the night stroking his hair and whisper reassurances. And that was the very reason Jeff needed to have a handle on himself; it would be too much to ask that. It would be wrong.
They agreed.
With the table set and the simple dinner served, the two men were slow to eat. The sooner dinner was over, the soon that night would befall them. Nick always left after they ate, grabbing his bag and not returning until the early morning hours. He’d crawl into bed and grab onto Jeff like he was the most precious of security blankets and he’d whisper his apologies. Jeff always pretended to be asleep, though they both knew he never slept when Nick was at an appointment. The bed was too big.
Jeff wasn’t sure what they ate for dinner. Though it had smelled fine, his taste buds were disconnected from the rest of his brain as he ate. Silence reigned over the table, neither of them able to bring themselves to speak. They were both too afraid of what they might say. Words were dangerous.
Yet they eat so slowly you’d think they weren’t on a deadline, that they had all the time in the world because the sun really had stopped moving just for them.
Of course, the sun was just as unforgiving today was it ever way. It sank low in the skin, below the horizon and plunged the apartment into darkness. The remnants of their meal would remain as cold as the moon, left to be cleaned in the morning. Jeff would go to bed without turning on a single light to brighten the night and Nick would grab his bag, not daring to even say goodbye or offer a kiss.
The echo of the door closing would linger in the air until the sun rose once again, granting them clemency for another month.