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Ricky first met Gyuvin when they were in 3rd grade. He wasn't interested in anything else other than reading, so a playful and loud kid from the other side of the wall wasn't his exact type of a friend.
"Ricky! Let's play in the garden!" He remembers a friend saying once, a lollipop stuffed in his mouth as he drags Ricky out of the room to play outside. He doesn't fight back, too tired to even try. So he lets his friend's sticky, dirty hands drag him to the garden.
There he sees a kid with a large smile plastered on his face, uniform stained with dust from laying flat on the dusty lunch tables that was never cleaned even before the start of the school year. He watches him smile as he runs around.
That was all Ricky can remember.
✿
He actually forgot him, thanks to ageing.
The next time that Ricky meets Gyuvin, was when they became classmates during their sophomore years in high school. There was a loud noise that rang in his head when he sat in the front, so by natural instinct, he looked back. There he sees a boy, with a large smile plastered on his face. He was laughing, pointing at one of his friends as he clapped.
Easily infuriated by the noise and antics, Ricky stands up and shouts at him. Gyuvin stands up, sticks out his tongue and rolls his eyes at Ricky, infuriating him more than he already was.
He thinks it's stupid. He thinks he's stupid. He thinks Gyuvin is stupid and he feels his fingernails sinking in his palms. He feels the urge to shout again. He feels his throat hurt.
"Stupid," he says absent-mindedly.
Ricky doesn't remember what happened after that.
✿
He doesn't remember why he asked Gyuvin to eat with him.
They're now in their freshman year in college, both busy with different majors. Ricky took a major in Creative Writing, while Gyuvin majored in Business Administration. Their lives are too different now— not like it was ever similar to begin with, but Ricky couldn't stop thinking why he's still in this place with Gyuvin.
He munches his lunch in silence, eyes wandering wherever it'll land on. Gyuvin looks up at him, "You good?" he asks, eyes shooting glitters at Ricky.
Gyuvin has pretty eyes, Ricky had always thought. His eyes were huge, pupils were dark enough for him to wonder how it was possible for him to see his own reflection in his eyes. Gyuvin's eyes were expressive, contrary to his personality and so is Ricky's. It's fascinating, how things are so opposite yet complimentary.
He nodded, "Just tired, I almost failed my midterms earlier," he replied, Gyuvin nodded, then it was silent again.
Moments like this makes Ricky look back at his past decisions. Maybe it was a bad thing to ask Gyuvin to eat with his as he has no one to eat lunch with and he feels awkward about it. Maybe asking Gyuvin to come over when he feels so heart-broken was a bad idea. Maybe wanting Gyuvin around for no reason at all was a bad idea.
Or maybe, Gyuvin himself is a bad idea.
Ricky doesn't know which.
Gyuvin starts to talk about his day, about how he almost missed his class because he overslept after drinking so much last night despite being a light-weight. He laughs when Gyuvin decides to be the oh-so-loud dude who tells a story with his whole body, re-enacting his whole situation earlier this morning. Ricky thinks he's stupid.
"How did your audition go?" Gyuvin asks, talking about the band auditions that Ricky went to yesterday. He shrugged.
"Nailed it," he could only say, Gyuvin nodded.
"I told you, you're exceptional," he says. Ricky's heart skips a beat at that.
Gyuvin had always been good with his words, may it be compliments or casual conversing. It's something that Ricky realized two years ago, when he was in a deep state of self-sabotaging himself and Gyuvin happened to be just beside him. He gives him a pat on the shoulder, then the next thing he remembers, they're messaging each other.
puppygyu:
You're doing great, y'know.
shenricky:
i know, gyuvin. but being great is not enough.
puppygyu:
I guess, I can't change your mind about that.
puppygyu:
Uh, just in case no one has told you today,
shenricky:
what?
puppygyu:
You did well, and I'm so proud of you.
puppygyu:
Let's meet tomorrow, I'll treat you to strawberry ice cream.
Ricky doesn't say no at that, he just comes over and eats ice cream with Gyuvin. Then they watch a movie, then walk home. After settling in their own houses, they fetch their phones and talk until early in the morning. He likes it, subconsciously. So even if it means that he'll have his sleep schedule and body clock ruined, he remains still.
puppygyu:
I like talking with you,
He freezes, then sees three dots on the screen, indicating that the other contact was typing a message. He waits, then it's gone.
shenricky:
me too, gyuvin.
He doesn't know why he said that, but he said it regardless, not even thinking twice. He waits, then sees those three dots bouncing again, his heart jumps while he waits for Gyuvin's message, giddy like a dog wagging its tail to its owner.
puppygyu:
Let's talk often, Ricky.
He doesn't move.
shenricky:
i'd like that.
puppygyu:
:)
Ricky would never admit to anyone that he liked the idea more than he thought he made it seem.
♡
Gyuvin is in love.
Ricky doesn't know what to do.
He drops the bomb like it's something so normal, on a night where Gyuvin is about to celebrate his birthday and Ricky promises to treat him to a coffee date. While Ricky had seen it coming, he hadn't prepared himself for the big thing itself.
bambigyu:
I like you.
Ricky thinks he's crazy.
shenricky:
why?
Gyuvin doesn't reply for a few seconds.
bambigyu:
Because you're everything.
Ricky's heart drops.
bambigyu:
You're smart, pretty, independent, and caring.
bambigyu:
You're everything I could ever ask and want.
Ricky freezes.
shenricky:
okay.
bambigyu:
I hope this doesn't change anything.
Ricky forces a smile.
shenricky:
it won't. the coffee would still be on me. okay?
bambigyu:
okay.
For some reason, Gyuvin doesn't show up.
While Ricky understands, he still doesn't.
Because Gyuvin likes him. Gyuvin likes Ricky. Ricky, who was in love with another guy for years. Ricky, who was beside Gyuvin since they were 13. Ricky, who fell in love with Gyuvin at 13 and decided to stay away because Gyuvin had a girlfriend. Ricky, who was a complete asshole to Gyuvin because he can't let his feelings show. Ricky, who Gyuvin watched move on with his past love to love Gyuvin. Ricky, who is just Ricky.
Gyuvin likes Ricky.
Ricky loves Gyuvin.
He doesn't understand.
Gyuvin was nothing to Ricky, at least, before. He was just an annoying classmate who doesn't do anything but be a sore loser at the back row. He was loud, insufferable, and is so boastful of his girlfriend who wants nothing but to cling to his ass every given minute.
Ricky sees it all, those smiles for his girlfriend as he introduces her to his friends. Ricky hates it.
"Don't you think you like Gyuvin?" he hears Gunwook say, a freshman who eats with Ricky in the cafeteria every lunch.
"Nah, I'm in love with a guy." Ricky dismisses,
"Doesn't add up. You talk about Jeonghyeon as if he's a precious flower, but you talk about Gyuvin as if he's the last flower to ever bloom on land." Gunwook says, mouth stuffed with food.
Ricky doesn't understand. But he suddenly does after a few months.
Today, Ricky still doesn't understand. And he thinks he'll never be able to.
♡
Gyuvin talks to Ricky about his ex-girlfriend from their high school sophomore years (who is actually his fling as of this moment) after three months, as if nothing had happened.
Ricky deludes himself that nothing indeed happened.
tulipgyu:
She thinks we dated.
shenricky:
eh? why would she see it that way?
tulipgyu:
Exactly my point. But she said, she just had an impression since we were practically glued together since we met.
shenricky:
seriously? that's crazy.
tulipgyu:
I know. I'm just glad she's giving me another chance.
Ricky feels his chest getting heavy.
shenricky:
cool. don't fuck it all up.
tulipgyu:
I won't.
Ricky feels like crying.
He doesn't understand.
♡
Gyuvin comes back to Ricky two months later. This time, there's another girl.
Ricky feels like vomiting.
beargyu:
She kinda reminds me of you. She's so
so so cool! I think you and April would be friends.
Ricky doesn't know how to react.
shenricky:
you think so? hmm, that sounds fun.
Ricky pretends it doesn't hurt.
Gyuvin acts like nothing happened.
♡
At this point, it has become a cycle.
April is a nice girl, according to Gyuvin. But Gyuvin would sometimes message Ricky in the middle of the night, asking what he would do if April was in the middle of a self-sabotaging session and he wanted to be there for her. Asking what he would do if April wants him to be somewhere with her and he wants to say no. Asking if April, and only for April.
April's name rings in Ricky's head out of nausea.
Ricky doesn't know better, anyway.
He picks up the phone even if Gyuvin messages him during his class. He picks up the phone even if Gyuvin messages him at 3 am. He picks up the phone even if Gyuvin messages him during an intense review session. He picks up, always.
If April wasn't free to hang out, Gyuvin would contact Ricky. Ricky would drop everything to come to Gyuvin, and then they'll talk about April. Ricky would pretend it's nothing to him.
Ricky feels tired.
Gyuvin needs Ricky.
Ricky pretends he's fine.
♡
Ricky's burnt out.
Gyuvin comes over.
"I've never felt so pretty," Ricky says, looking at the polaroid photo that Gyuvin took. He was wearing the shirt that Gyuvin gave him last Christmas, his hair wasn't washed properly for three days. Still, he thinks he looks pretty in this polaroid photo, all smiley as Gyuvin tells him to think about the most beautiful thing in his life that makes him smile whenever he thinks about it.
Ricky thinks about Gyuvin.
"You actually are," Gyuvin says, not even thinking twice.
Ricky doesn't understand.
♡
Ricky finally speaks up.
polaroidgyu:
I don't understand, Ricky.
shenricky:
of course, you don't. me too, don't understand our relationship, gyuvin. we're friends, but sometimes we talk like we're more than that. sometimes, you'll talk to me about the most random things ever, but on normal days i'm a stranger to you. yesterday, you'll talk to me like i'm so special, then we'll talk about your lovelife and realize that there's nothing between us. you pay so much attention to me, yet you don't care at the same time.
shenricky:
tell me, gyuvin. what am i to you?
polariodgyu:
Okay, we're friends, Ricky. Maybe even best friends. And yes, you are special. I wanted to pay attention to you more because you're important to me.
shenricky:
then why are you making me feel like i'm only a part of your life when no one else's around to be with you?
polaroidgyu:
I did not know you felt that way. You could've just said no.
shenricky:
of course, you don't know. you never bothered to ask. because i am convenient for you, wasn't i? i'm always free when you need me. i'm always available when a simple kiss from april wouldn't suffice. right?
polaroidgyu:
Did you seriously think I see you that way? You think so low of me.
shenricky:
okay. prove me wrong then.
shenricky:
what am i to you?
Gyuvin took more than 5 minutes before replying.
polaroidgyu:
You're everything to me, Ricky.
Ricky feels like dying.
shenricky:
everything? all you do is tell me that i'm special and all. that i am everything to you. but i don't even know where i stand in your life. because i know where you stand in my life, and i know my limits with you. but why is it so possible that i don't know your limits with me? why are we like this? what really am i to you?
polaroidgyu:
And I didn't lie with that, Ricky. You are special to me. You are everything to me. I would never lie to you.
shenricky:
did you lie to me when you told me you like me?
polaroidgyu:
What does that have to do with this?
Ricky feels so small.
shenricky;
you told me you like me. then the next day, you were gone. then you came back after months, then suddenly you're out of reach again.
shenricky:
you never even told me why you did that. you just came back and pretended that nothing ever happened. as if you did not make me feel that we stood a chance. you're so bullshit.
polaroidgyu:
I never knew you felt that way. I thought you were still in love with Jeonghyeon.
shenricky:
we never talked about jeonghyeon for 4 years, gyuvin. in those 4 years, all i did was be with you. wake up when you need me, ditch my class when you need someone to talk, ask you to go out and eat with me, hang out with you until late at night and make plans for tomorrow morning. and you were thinking, that i was in love with jeonghyeon?
polaroidgyu:
I'm sorry.
polaroidgyu:
What can I do to fix this?
Ricky feels like crying.
shenricky:
what for?
polaroidgyu:
I can't lose you, Ricky.
Ricky breaks down at that.
shenricky:
i'm sorry.
shenricky:
too late. you already lost me.
Ricky turns off his phone and pulls his blanket, covering himself with the thick layer of fabric, pretending that it's nothing but a warm embrace that comforts him. He hears the telephone ring, and he knows who it might be.
Ricky doesn't pick up.
It feels weird.
Ricky falls asleep after crying. This time, he doesn't pick up the 6 missed calls from Gyuvin, nor read the 43 messages that Gyuvin sent in the middle of the night. He just sleeps.
And it actually feels a lot better.
✿