Chapter Text
“I'm thinking about retiring.” Wally says before taking a sip of his drink.
“What?” Dick took a moment to process what had just been said, “You're retiring?”
“Maybe, I am not sure yet.”
“I.. I guess it's your choice, but..” Dick’s voice trails off as if he can't fully grasp the idea of not being in the superhero field with his best friend, “Why?”
Wally takes another sip, “It's not really what I want to do for- like- the rest of my life?”
Dick nodded, it made sense. Why would someone as brilliant as Wally bind himself to such dangerous work?
“I want to go to college, get a diploma, live a normal life, just me and Artemis.”
Oh.
Yeah of course. Wally and Artemis are dating, but Dick couldn't help the solemn feeling associated with how his friend said that. Just him and Artemis. No room for Dick or being a superhero. “Yeah, yeah I get what you mean.” Dick feigned a smile.
“I know this was supposed to be a lighthearted hangout, and now I've ruined it by my seriousness.”
“No! It's fine, just you have everything all planned out, I just figured I'd be a vigilante the rest of my life.”
“You like to help people, it's what you want to do, just like how I want to retire. I don't have everything planned out, just doing what makes me happy.”
Dick nods in response, but he knows that the one thing that'd make him feel truly happy was being with Wally, but that was over before it even began.
After Wally’s departure Dick had time to think. When Wally does retire, will they still be as close? Will they grow further apart until eventually they don't talk and Dick is left to wonder what could have happened? Thinking left a feeling of weariness thick in the atmosphere of the small apartment.
Defeated by his own thoughts all Dick does is cover himself with a blanket, turn on a fan, and sleep.
—-
He ran, he ran quicker than he had ever ran before. Of course he was no speedster, but in this moment he sure wished he was.
Wally is gone.
He should've stayed in retirement, then this wouldn't have happened. Wally would still be here. This is all his fault for convincing him to come back. He should've just respected his damn wishes. He should've left things as they were. He'd still be here if it weren't for Dick.
He felt his composure begin to fall while talking to Barry. The idea of him being gone is so dastardly how could the universe betray him like that, hadn't his parents been enough? Hadn't Jason been enough? The gods just had to take Wally too?
Barry carefully wraps his arms around Dick pulling him into a tight hug, tears streaming down both their faces.
After two funerals, one for Wally West, and one for Kid Flash, Dick couldn't help but feel Wally wasn't really gone. There was no body, no proof he was really dead. If he was truly dead there would be proof . This keeps Dick up at night, constant questioning and guilt.
“I'm taking a break.”
The team's faces were a mix of concern and confusion. Gasps scattered across the room.
“Take as long as you need, Nightwing.” Kaldur placed a caring hand on the man’s shoulder, his face painted with a look of pure sympathy.
“Thanks, Kaldur.” Dick forced a small smile, even though he truly didn't feel like smiling. He hasn't felt like smiling at all since Wally’s death. From across the room Dick can feel Artemis’ glaring eyes, burning holes into his skin.
Before leaving the mountain he is caught by Artemis, “Wing, how are you handling?”
“Just fine.” His response is colder than he planned.
“It's okay to feel grief, especially after the loss of your friend, Dick. I know you have the bat tendency of bottling up your emotions, so I want you to know I am here for you.”
“I know,” is all he said before walking into the Zeta and returning to blüdhaven.
Dick’s apartment is messy, it's always been that way, but now it's worse. Dirty dishes litter the kitchen counters, laundry crowds the floor. There are cups and styrofoam takeout boxes scattered around the rooms. Tonight he doesn't feel like eating, he's just exhausted, drained by the feats of everyday life. All he does is lay down and sleep.
—-
Dick is awoken at the early time of 6:00 PM after sleeping for 12 hours straight. His stomach is growling, he's sweaty, and his body aches from being stationary, yet he doesn't move, just lays in bed taking everything in.
He's supposed to have dinner with Barry in 30 minutes, thank god he woke up when he did. It was Barry’s idea, saying something about how Dick needed to get out of the house, but now Dick is regretting his agreement.
Dick slowly slid out of bed, hobbling to the shower, still half asleep. In a desperate attempt to wake up he turns the water on cold, before immediately regretting it and turning it to the scorching hot water he's used to.
Upon getting out of the shower he brushed his teeth and glanced into the mirror. He had dark eye bags and his normally pretty tanned skin was a lighter shade than normal due to not going out much. It has been two weeks since Wally’s death, and his patrols since have decreased in length until eventually stopping all together, and prior to leaving the team his involvement had also decreased in frequency. Dick knows he is neglecting his duties, and feels immense guilt for doing so, but he can't seem to bring himself to get out of bed anymore.
He picked up a shirt from the ground, smelling it to make sure it doesn't stink, and then he put it on. It was bigger on him, not how he normally prefers his shirts, but he can't bring himself to care. He slides into a pair of sweatpants and tennis shoes then heads to a small diner where he agreed to meet Barry.
“You're late.” Barry says grinning.
Dick groans, “Just five minutes.” He walks towards the blonde man.
“Five minutes is about 20 minutes in speedster time.”
“Not my fault you run on a different clock.” Dick shrugs.
The pair walk into the diner, finding a good place to sit in the corner. The diner isn't large, it's actually quite cute. There is a red and white color scheme, typical to those vintage-looking diners you see on TV. There are about 4 other people and the place is relatively quiet, and Dick thanks the gods for that, he already has a slight headache.
“How are you doing, Dick?” Barry sits down parallel to Dick and rests his forearms on the table.
“I'm fine.”
Barry raises an eyebrow and looks at him up and down, “You don't look fine.”
Dick quickly averts eye contact, “Thanks, Barry.” He forces a small laugh.
“You know that's not what I meant.” His face contorts into one of concern, “I heard you quit the team and patrols.”
“I did.”
“Why?”
“He's got to be alive, Barry.” Dick says sternly, reverting back to intense eye contact, “If he was dead we would know it, I need to find him.”
Barry just sighs, “Dick, I think you need to try and move on.”
“That's easy for you to say you seemed to move on in just a day,” Dick’s voice is stern with anger, “Some of us actually care. Some of us have hope. Some of us aren't just accepting the easiest answer. Some of us want him back. ”
“Dick, you know that's not what I'm saying.” Barry sighs once more, “All I'm saying is that you can't just keep pushing to a seemingly impossible goal of finding him. The entire Justice League has been looking.”
Dick stood up, “ You don't understand. ” He begins to open the door.
“What do I not understand, Dick?”
“I never got to tell him just how much I loved him, Barry.” Barry paused behind Dick, now outside the diner. “I had so many things to say to him and I never did. I was too scared. And then I convinced him to join in on the fight and now he's gone.”
“It's not your fault.” Barry grabs Dick’s shoulder gently.
“Of course you’d say that. That's what Bruce said, but it is my fault, Barry.”
“Dick-”
“ I was the one who let him go out there. I could've stopped him, but I didn't. I didn't.” Dick was crying now.
Barry just pulled Dick in for a hug, “I don't know how to convince you, but it's not your fault.”
“You won't convince me of lies.”