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“I wanted to ask you something.” Anthony spoke from where he was sitting cross legged on the bench in the garden beside Steve. His gaze was stranded on a rose bush, deep pinks, which had grown remarkably well. They were heart of Peggy and Steve's garden. He was too young to understand what they symbolize. What they mean to Steve. “What do you think about Captain America, Uncle?”
Steve stopped the drawing he was doing, his heart skipping a beat at the sudden question.“Why do you ask, Anthony?”
“Daddy says he doesn’t like Captain America anymore. And he won’t even explain why. And you know everybody else loves Captain America, including mommy.” Anthony’s tone was serious and he was pouting so innocently. If it was any other topic, Steve would have basked in the cuteness and chuckled about it. But now he was deceptively trying to be calm. One of these days, Howard was really going to regret what he was doing. “So what do you think? You have also met him, right? Like Aunt Peggy and daddy.”
Steve swallowed heavily. “I think he was okay.”
“Okay?” Anthony’s confused and almost baffled expression was telling. “What do you mean by okay?”
Steve was good at lying. More like hiding things. But he could manage. “What I mean is he was brave and strong. But he had a tendency to be stupid sometimes. Beneath everything he was just as human like others. We all make stupid mistakes. And it’s okay.” He looked into the brown eyes of the child and said with emotion he could almost choke on it. “It’s okay to make mistakes, Tony.”
As it turned out, Anthony focused on something else. “Did you call Captain America stupid?”
Steve didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “No. I didn't mean it like that.”
“You are also like daddy. You don’t like him that much, do you?” Though Anthony sounded a bit more playful than resigned (which was surprising), yet it didn’t fail to give Steve a tinge of sadness.“But I think Captain America is great. He saved everyone. And mommy says we all should strive to become like him. I want to be a hero just like him when I grow up.” He smiled, showing his perfect teeth. His eyes were glowing, dancing with mirth.
You would be better than him. Steve wanted to scream, but he could only watch in silence and wish that passion in Anthony's eyes would never die. And those eyes would never look back at him with contempt like the Tony in his dream, putting the arc reactor in his hands.
Ringing of telephone jerks Steve a bit much and he comes out of his musings with a start. He should answer the phone but he still sits on the sofa without moving a muscle. He sharply stares at the table in front of him where a large box lies wrapped in a sparkling red gift wrapper. And his thoughts are again on the verge of constantly running, but he hears the soft clicks of the heels echoing on the floor.
Peggy comes into the view as she walks into the hall. Dressed immaculately as always she looks stunning in a blue dress. Her eyes cast a worried glance over him as she picks up the phone handle. She answers the call, greeting the person with a joy in her voice.
“Yes, we both are coming.” Her tone is filled with reassurance and softness. “We promised. Please don't worry, Maria.”
Steve had an inkling who could it be the second phone rang.
As the call ends, Peggy turns her attention to him. She does not ask why he didn’t pick up the phone but, “Why haven't you dressed yet Steve?” And she sounds disapproving.
He looks up at her with a smile. One of those smiles of his which Peggy has deemed as miserable. He can't help it, which sure earns him a sympathetic look from her. But she does not relent. “We need to be there on time, Steve. Get up.”
It is not fair to her. He shouldn't put her through this. “I don't know, Peggy. I shouldn't be there.”
He shouldn't be here in the first place. Yet here he is.
Steve catches Peggy's expression of impatience and frustration before she schools it down. Though some of it slips into her gentle voice. “Haven't we talked about this many times already? Why do you keep spiraling back?”
By this she means Tony. Not the Tony of his world, but this world’s Tony. Anthony, in his mind. (Which isn’t to say this isn’t his world. It’s his in a different way. Doing comparison is painful. As if it's not already complicated enough.)
They have been talking about this before Anthony was born. Endless conversations about the topic since it can change the course of history. Tony Stark can change it, to put it precisely. And Steve being in Tony’s life can change many things. As per his past (or future if one will call it) experience, it’s mostly for the worst. So it would only make sense for him to keep his distance from Anthony’s life. Only change things that need to be changed by remaining in the shadows.
However when he cradled Anthony in his arms after he was born, it took everything not to break down. Not to just ask forgiveness for what had happened in a different world. Just because he can hop into a different time, creating a different world in the process doesn't mean his mistakes don't follow along. Regrets never leave you. It is like a scar of the injury that lingers on you for a lifetime. (It's a bad example since nothing sticks on Steve, but emotional scars do. And they are more lethal in nature.)
He silently promised the baby he would be there when he needed him. He promised him that his parents would be there for him this time. He would make things right this time. He would not be the reason for Tony’s unhappiness in this world. Not again.
And it felt right initially, being around baby Anthony when he didn’t understand anything and didn’t ask any questions. And as time went on Steve and Peggy started getting attached to the kid. Meanwhile Howard was losing himself in his work. He didn’t even listen to Steve and Peggy or Maria despite their countless lectures. Mutually Steve and Peggy decided it would be better if they maintained a close relationship with Anthony.
And so as Anthony grows older, holds onto words and memories, Steve's fears and insecurities grow tenfold. The genius kid catches on things faster and it scares him.
Silence stretches on without him replying so Peggy comes to sit beside him. She laces her fingers with his. Her hand is warm and anchor to hold on. It keeps him grounded in this reality.
“I am sorry,” He apologizes and she squeezes his hand.
“You would be more sorry later if you don’t come with me now.”
“I know,” he whispers as he imagines Anthony’s sad little face.
She eyes him with all seriousness. She can read him easily. “Be honest with me and tell me what is going through your head.”
He takes a deep breath. Peggy is looking at him expectantly. How to tell her he sometines dreams of Tony, talking to him vehemently. All you do is lie, Cap. You couldn’t get enough of keeping things from me that you want to do the same with another version of me. Doesn’t matter what said things are. Shame on you, Rogers. Not that I expected any better from you, even in a different life.
“It feels like lying. He now understands things, Peggy,” Steve blurts out, pressure releasing from his lungs. “I don't want to hide anything from him, I have seen the hurt it can cause.”
No trust. Liar. Even after all these years, the words echo back sharply, hurting where they should. More so in recent years.
Peggy looks at him incredulously, which is justified. “He's five, Steve.”
“I know but -” he’s ridiculously smart. If someone can figure who Steve actually is, it’s him.
Before he could protest, Peggy cuts him off, “Someday you would eventually tell him the truth. Isn’t that you already decided? Until then don’t live with this secret like a burden you need to carry. That defeats the whole purpose of this second life. And he would understand, Steve. He would understand why you chose this life for yourself.”
“Would he?” Steve wants to believe. He knows how deep kindness runs in Tony Stark’s heart.
“I don't want to say this, but you know he is not yet the person you knew. I doubt he ever will be the same or he will be your Tony. But one thing I am sure of is that he will not judge you for who you are. And who you were before this. Or the things you did in a different time, different world.”
“To him, you will not be Captain America whose tales he would grow up with, whom he would resent and admire. You will not be his friend, either. You will be Uncle Steve.” She cracks a smile as corrects herself. “I mean Uncle Joseph Carter. But the point is he would definitely understand.”
“I hope so.” He wants to hold on to that. There is another weight that suffocates him. “Sometimes I feel he never truly forgiven me.”
He can see the pain she feels for him. It hasn't been easy for him to talk about this for the first time. But she needed to know. She deserved to know his failures.
“He did, from what you have told me. But if you feel like that then make sure you give him the world this time. Correct your mistakes. Make amends.”
He remembers telling her that he's also here to make amends. “I have to save Bucky this time sooner. I have to stop hydra. And I have… had two friends. They deserved the world. And I am going to make sure they do this time.”
He has done the first part successfully, now the latter remains. And it feels much harder. Harder than fighting and driving into battle. Harder than being a father and raising a kid of his own. It’s different. Because it’s them. His team. His family. Those precious moments which can not be relived again. All the what ifs and forgone chances lost forever in the flow of time, which can never be mended.
That’s why it’s harder. But he has to try. He can create something beautiful. Something that will have more trust and stronger bonds. Something with less pain and suffering. Something they didn’t have before. And no sacrifices this time.
“I am with you on this, Steve. So stop overthinking. Everything will be fine. ” Peggy’s warm assurance is what keeps him together. She stands up, pulling at his hand. “Come on. We don't want to make Anthony wait for us on his birthday. He must be missing the presence of his favorite uncle and aunt.”
Steve collects himself and his emotions. He looks down at the table, “Do you think he will like the gift?”
She smiles at him, kissing his cheek. “He would absolutely love it, dear.”
“Thank you, Peggy,” he tells her, pulling her arms around her in embrace.
“Thank you for coming back, Steve.” she whispers back, resting her forehead against his shoulder.