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The Doctor watched as the Tardis wheezed then dematerialised.
That was new.
All of this was.
He didn’t realise that he’d been simply staring into the space left behind… he’d been left behind too, in a way. He knew it wouldn’t have worked out well, him and the Doctor, neither of them were made to be companions, this version of him especially seemed to be unsuitable for the job of being the Doctor's Wrangler.
He tried to hide his jump when he felt a nudge on his shoulder. He covered it up with a quick smile, just a small one, at Donna who was looking up at him in concern.
“You alright?”
She’d asked him that so many times, to this face, and the same face on his younger self. He didn’t lie to Donna, as a general rule, but he had never been good at admitting that he wasn’t okay, actually.
He had been working on it.
“You know me.”
He looked down at his bare feet, bi-generation had left him with only half of their clothes, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d come out as better considering he was now shoe-less and commando.
“Yeah. I do.”
Her firm tone forced him to look back at his best friend. If he didn’t think she’d hit him he would have pointed out that when she looked at him like she was now, she reminded him a bit too much of Sylvia.
He tilted his head to the side, lowering his voice so only Donna could hear him. “I guess I just… kind of expected him to have popped back by now. Not to stay,” he added quickly, “just… y’know.”
He felt her hand take hold of his and squeeze, so he squeezed back.
“I’m sure he’ll be back to visit, some day. I mean, I kept getting to see this old face, didn’t I?”
He glanced at Kate and Shirley, who were talking about something, he should probably help them, should probably figure out a way to fix the human race again. But he just couldn’t. He felt a lump in his throat, and squeezed Donna’s hand again.
“You were one of the few… I should have… you were different.”
There was silence and understanding between the two of them for a minute or two.
“I think he was right, that version of you, you need to work on yourself first. I mean… you’re kind of a mess.”
The Doctor barked out a laugh, feeling some of the weight lift off of his shoulders.
“Yeah, I guess…. I guess he’s right.” he thought back to the hug from his older self, he wished it had been longer, it had been stabilising, but now he was cast adrift. He didn’t know what came next.
So he did what he always did.
He put on a smile, and raised his voice, adding levity, and an easy smile.
“I should probably help Kate, and Shirley, y’know fix this mess your lot have got yourselves into this time.”
Apparently Kate Lethbridge Stewart had been polite in pretending not to listen to his and Donna’s conversation, as she immediately turned to him, holding a screen in her hands, starting to hold it out to him.
“We have-”
“No.” Donna’s voice silenced Kate immediately, The Doctor still didn’t know how she did that, he supposed he could do it too, but Donna managed to even shut himself up, and he’d always sucked at getting himself to shut up.
“I-”
“No,” Donna repeated, glaring at the Doctor now, even though it had been Shirley who had tried to interrupt that time. “You heard him, you heard you. You’re not doing anything other than coming home with me, eating whatever my mum’s cooked, and having a kip.”
He had the decency to look away from her, down at the floor again, as he tried to stretch the truth a little, “I’ll be okay, I’ll do that, but I’ll help here first.”
He looked at Donna again, begging her to understand, as she always did, he needed to do something, to not feel useless.
To prove he could still be The Doctor.
She just shook her head with a sad smile on her face, “Not this time Doctor.” She squeezed his upper arm, looking not at him now but at Kate. “I’ll be taking him home, you lot can handle this. He’s grounded, Doctor’s orders.”
“Donna, “ he grumbled, “I can’t be grounded, I’m a billion years old and a Timelord with a Tardis, and a million more lives to live.”
She just rolled her eyes at him.
He loved her but she couldn’t half annoy him sometimes, it was clear to her that she disagreed with him being ‘unable to be grounded’. Kate just nodded at Donna, not looking at him, whereas Shirley kind of smirked at him. She was trouble, good trouble, he’d have to take her on an adventure, if she would go.
Donna was talking to Kate about something, The Doctor wasn’t paying attention, and she still had hold of him, as though he was about to jump in his box and run away… he supposed she might have a point with that one.
“C’mon, martian,” she pulled him fondly as she started to walk away from the Tardis, “We’ll catch a lift off this lot, the Tardis will follow us, or go where she goes when she ditches you. We’ll get you well, and then we can go on some adventures.”
He looked back at the Tardis, as though she’d be able to intercede on his behalf, she didn’t. Traitor. So he followed after Donna, trusting her to find the way out of this place.
“Oh,” Donna called over her shoulder at the leader at Unit, “and send me the contract, I’m sure you have all my details, 150K a year we said, right, and 6 weeks holiday?”
The Doctor smiled faintly, he didn’t know the details she’d worked out, but he was almost certain that she had just given herself a promotion.
The first challenge he faced was a seatbelt, refusing to put it on until Donna had glared at him and told him he’d be walking soon, still without shoes. He’d clicked the belt on, grumbling under his breath.
Donna chatted to the Unit soldier who was driving them, something about the time Atmos nearly filled the world with gas to prepare the world for the Sontaruns, about his trick with the tennis ball, and nearly sacrificing himself. The Doctor didn’t join in, he just zoned out, knowing he was safe to do so when Donna was with him.
He had shuffled into Donna’s home, still shoeless, he should acquire some shoes soon, or at least some socks. He was quiet as Donna announced to her family that he’d be staying in their spare room for a while, until he was ‘better’ in her words. He kind of hoped one of them would protest, give him an excuse to stay in the Tardis, he wouldn’t go away, but he’d be able to keep his distance.
But none of them bothered: Shaun seemed pretty easy going, genuinely nice, saying ‘Y’right mate?” with an easy smile.
Sylvia looked apprehensive, just ever so slightly, but she was clearly trying, she knew now that him being there wouldn’t actively kill Donna, still she sent him a smile, before excusing herself to the kitchen to cook him a ‘proper meal’, he guessed he wasn’t sure the last time he had eaten.
Rose, Donna’s Rose, smiled at him, before Donna quickly made it very very clear to her, and to the Doctor, that neither of them, or anyone at all, would be using the Tardis until she said so.
He’d find a way around that, but maybe not right now, he wouldn’t push it yet.
He was led upstairs to the spare room, sparsely decorated; with a bed, a wardrobe, and a bedside table. The walls were blue, not Tardis blue, but blue enough that he knew some part of Donna had remembered.
He let himself drop onto the bed.
“Doctor…. Are you okay?”
Her voice was so soft, and he was so lost, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat again, but this time it didn’t work. “I don’t know…. I don’t know anything, what to do, who I am… What I am…. I just,” he let out a breath feeling tears in his eyes. Before he knew it she had her arms around him, sitting on the bed beside him, holding him close.
He clung to her, his best friend, his lifeboat.
“I don’t… I’m not okay, Donna.”
“I know,” she soothed him, no trace of the teasing they often had between them. “It’s going to be okay though, it’ll just take a while, and a lot of work. But you have me, you have a family Doctor, you’re not alone. You can breathe now, you can stop, you don’t need to worry about anything right now.”
“I’m so tired,” he admitted, feeling each and every year of his life he’d lived since he had last had this old face.
“You can tell me about it, when you’re ready, about it all.”
“Is this what I do now?” he pulled away from her, but didn’t move from sitting beside her, their knees both touching, grounding him still, “Just sit here and cry.”
“Sure. That’s what I did, a lot, when I forgot you, I mean I didn’t know why obviously. It was hard, really hard, but I had my mum, and my grandad, they let me be sad, and then they helped me move on. They’re experts at this, and I’m the world expert in The Doctor, “ she smirked at that, “Between us all we can figure it out.”
He smiled back at her, it wasn’t a huge beaming energetic smile, but it was full of his heart. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve her, if he did deserve her of course, which right then he wasn’t sure he was.
“First things first, you need some clothes, Shauns will be big on you, but considering you two split the clothes between you and he was wearing the pants….”
The Doctor groaned, throwing himself back to lie on the bed, covering his eyes with his hands, “Don’t. Why’d… I mean couldn’t the universe have just given us both clothes?”
Donna snorted, “She’s got a sense of humour, the universe.”
The Doctor couldn’t help but agree, uncovering his eyes as he watched Donna leave the room.
He let his eyes fall shut, taking in a deep breath.
Then another.
And another.