Chapter Text
Oh, what a day to choose
Torn by the hours
All that I say to you
Is like fuel to fire
Into the town, we go
Into your hideaway
Where the towers grow
Gone to be faraway
Never do we know
Never do they give away
Where the towers grow
Only you will hear them say
Sing quietly along
Sing quietly along - Vigil Theme Song (Agnes Obel)
Police officers are good at paperwork.
There are never-ending stereotypes of renegade detectives who bend all the rules for the truth's sake, constantly frustrating the leadership hierarchy. While watching good Thai food and her father's whisky is entertaining, it doesn't reflect Kirsten Longacre’s experience as a real-life officer, either as a DS or as a uniform-beat cop. Nobody likes the endless demands for form filling and accounting for every minute.
Everyone hates losing cases on technicalities even more.
The younger officers mythologise Amy Silva as a renegade who does not follow the rules, but in this sense, she is meticulous. She works diligently to ensure that all her paperwork is in order, both as an excuse to avoid home and to keep everything for the efforts to continue seeing Poppy and making peace with Morag and Gordon. Kirsten learns everything from the DCI Silvia, including signing everything and keeping up with accountabilities.
Kirsten only takes on the Vigil mission if Amy agrees to keep her former lover as an emergency contact.
"DS Longacre, do you think many other people are lining up for the role? I couldn't be drunk or heartbroken enough to make that final move."
Kirsten goes through the careful motions, connecting the people who need to know about the evidence she finds, handing over to those who can wrap up the final details, and focusing on finding where Amy is and where the medical professionals will take her. It's not like extracting a critically ill person from a largely failing (secret) submarine is easy.
"I am going to need to take time off, Sir. May I have some leave to spend up the admin process?' Kirsten stands before the head of her division.
"Technically, you are online from another division, so I don't have the authority, but I can't see anyone having a problem with that request. You have done excellent work, more than proofing DCI's faith."
"That you, Sir, and I will gladly return to a less high profile posting with less at sake, but it was experiencing working with such a dedicated team with so many people trying to intrude on the investigation and keeping Amy safe." Kirsten gives him a grateful smile.
"Look after yourself, DS Longacre and give Amy my best when you see her.
Seeing Amy Silva isn't as straightforward as it may seem. Everything connected them in those strange codes and memories of their breakup for those painful weeks. Now, more people are in on those communications; Kirsten Longacre isn't central to bringing Amy home from the submarine. There are little snippets of information that confirm that her former lover is sick, both from exposure to nerve agents and physical threats from hostile forces.
Kirsten doesn't know the specifics, but the generalities are bad enough.
Amy Silva did everything to survive, but she did everything to minimise the impact on people on the submarine and the potential victims of the conspiracy, doubtlessly at the risk of her life, personal safety and psychological health. If you could design a torture system for somebody recovering from a car crash, it was the confined space at the bottom of the ocean.
"We are going to put the pieces back together, Amy Silvia. After such an effort to survive, I'm not going to let everything fall apart without putting up a fight."
***
Amy Silva is under protection.
The first few minutes and hours are a whirlwind; it takes Kirsten's focus to work through all the questioning and debriefing before heading to the hospital. Everybody wants to know everything about those final moments; she is a key witness. Kirsten spends hours recounting the details, pushing the message that the unknown conspiracy players threaten Amy.
"We will drive you to the hospital; Amy asked to see you before the first rounds of pain medication." one of her favourite colleagues insists on driving.
Kirsten poses, worrying about the idea that her former relationship is public knowledge in the department. If Vigil was a regular mission, this could question the results. Still, there are many more important things to focus on; Amy may regret being 'out', but Kirsten will still be at her side.
"Okay, I left notes with the rest of the team and my debrief material. Many elements still need chasing down in terms of a secondary threat. The chief was with me for most of it...." Kirsten insists quickly.
"I am a junior in these ranks, but it's safe to say we will have plenty of work to do, even if MI6 and associated organisations continue to take point. You have done great work scrambling to get the message through and chasing down leads. Everybody knows how to get hold of you if we need help clarifying anything. Let fresh eyes take over." the words are soft but firm.
Kirsten leans back in the seat, her head suddenly pounding.
Andriline is the thing that keeps her going over this mission and the weeks before, if she is honest. Work was a grounding force when dealing with the breakup. All those sleepless nights and long hours at the office are catching up with her. Napping in the car won't replace what she lost. At least they are heading in the right direction, towards Amy.
" I miss you too."
The whispered words are an impossible understatement.
Kirsten Longacre replays that last physical conversation they had on the helipad. She always wished they had more time before Amy rushes off to play superhero police officer. So many things between them are left unsaid and unsayable: affection, love and regret. Nothing compares to the lows of knowing that this damaged woman is torturing herself with nothing but guilt for company.
"One of your friends from admin rushed out and grabbed you a change of clothes and some toiletries in case it is a long few nights. Sophia, I think. She says to text her if there is anything else."
Sophia is one of the few people who knows about their relationship; specifically, she knows just how broken-hearted the breakup leaves Kirsten. One of the many people Kirsten will need to thank when all this is over, or at least when Amy is better and out of immediate danger.
"Amy is one of the good ones but doesn't believe it since the accident, She needs more people like you in her life, whatever happens to your relationship or the need for a change in human resources paperwork."
Sophia doesn't say a word in judgment when Kirsten moves in with Amy and then leaves again.
Kirsten protected Amy Silva long before they became lovers, thinking that all the gossip about the older detective was unfair. She carries these feelings after the first breakup among the few friends who know about their circumstances. Fellow officers know that relationships and interpersonal dynamics often suffer under work pressures. Kirsten gets hugs and a listening ear at the pub.
The main hope in the next weeks and days is that Sophia and the others extend the same grace to Amy as she recovers from these extensive injuries.
Kirsten isn't going to let something happen to her on land, not after Amy works so hard to survive the ravages of a hijacked submarine.
***
Kirsten wills herself not to cry.
Amy Siliva is in a bad way, and the doctors have no choice but to list out both acute and chronic conditions. There is no such thing as a minor problem, only degrees of severity. It's not a surprise to know that Amy Silva has old injuries from the accident and bears the signs of not neglect in terms of self-care in the true sense of the word. Kirsten sits in the hospital conference room, listening to the doctor.
"Where is she now, and what can I do to support her?" Kirsten asks softly.
"Amy is back in her room on the ward after the surgery to stabilise her leg. She is on a careful drug protocol to reverse the effects of the exposure. We haven't seen these things before, so a few specials will arrive in the morning. We don't know about the long-term effects, but she will need support to rebuild strength and stamina when the immediate injuries are under control."
"I will be here." Kirsten says softly
"I have looked after a few police officers wounded in the line of duty. While I don't know the specifics, the last few days have put to her body through extremes that isn't advisable. DCI Silvia is stable but it was a a near thing and there is still room for setbacks and difficulties. Does she have family and support who live locally?" the question is hesitant.
"She doesn't have close family ties after a series of grief, but she will have people who will fill those roles. Amy has a stepdaughter who will want to visit. I know there are rules for children." Kirsten asks her, her mind swirling with a million questions.
"We prepare to have more information for involving children directly in the conversations, but we have specialist staff members who can help with that process?" the doctor offers
"Poppy and her grandparents are also connecting with the Family Liasion Service. It would be good to introduce the hospital gradually." Kirsten muses out loud.
"Would you like to walk back to Amy's room and wait for her to return, and I can expand the light sedation and monitors? I can presume that you will be staying through the night?" Dr Thatcher asks gently.
"Yes." Kirsten brushes away her tears.
Kirsten isn't sure if this is special treatment for a police officer, but she isn't going to take every opportunity. She is afraid of seeing Amy for the first time, the idea of her former lover in such a vulnerable and difficult position. Falling in love with a police officer is always a risk. They give families training on this, but there are limits.
The steps down the hallway feel endless and too short simultaneously.
Amy Silva is a strong and steadfast presence in the police department and their life. Her vulnerable and desperate moments are few and far between; now, in bed, she looks fragile with all the tube machines giving a steady rhythm. Her pale skin shares the more superficial wounds, cuts, scratches and bruises. It would take hours and days to unravel all the problems.
"You can stay with her; our hospital chairs have an upgrade, and DCI Silva will have the same nurse for the next eight hours." Dr Thatcher murmurs as he guides her to the chair.
Kirsten Longarce suddenly feels the weight of the situation; her knees go weak, not in a good way. Her eyes fixated on the woman in the bed, watching inhalation and exhalation as if they were the world's most important thing. She has no medical knowledge, and the senior officer keeps her attention away from the machines.
"I'm here, Darling. Your ridiculous courage saves almost everyone except you, which is typical of you, DCI Silva. Now that the job is over, focus on getting better; Poppy doesn't want you missing any more celebration and neither do I. We have conversations to finish, custody arrangements for Cat for one thing." Kirsten knows she is rambling
There is no Hollywood moment where Amy blinks awake and confesses her endless love. It is far too early for such things; the doctors already warn her that the process of waking Amy up will be slow and involve weaning off different medication combinations, seeing what the exposures do to her organs and nervous system.
"I love you." Kirsten reiterates as she strokes her fragile and pale hand.
Saying those words out loud and actioning them is a problem for another day.
***
Her dad insists on staying for the first night.
Her dad comes down to help her with things like feeding Cat and managing the long hours. After Kirsten tears over the phone, the family decides she needs backup. Civilians, even former navy men, are in the outer circle; people in direct contact with Amy and others are police or medical personnel. Kirsten occupies a weird space between personal and professional here.
"Dad, I am doing okay now, it's a waiting game."
"Kirsten, love. Please tell me what you need and sit down before you fall over." the senior Longarce holds his hand.
Kirsten opens her mouth to give a standard answer, but she cannot speak around the tightness in her throat. She sinks to the chair opposite, thankful they are in a room off the main waiting rooms. There are fringe benefits to supporting an injured police officer. Her dad pulls her into a fierce and familiar hug.
"I knew this one was different, even when you were being so careful, your voice was lighter, even when you were worrying and trying to the right thing."
"Even after we broke up and I ended up on your doorstop sobbing and demanding more whisky than is likely healthy over a one weekend?" Kirsten asks weary
"Especially then, you were never angry at her, only heartsick at the situation for her and that little girl. You wouldn't let any of us say a word against her, Darling. You weren't subtle that weekend in many things." her dad chuckles.
Kirsten huffs a laugh in acknowledgement and buries herself closer into the comfort. Everybody who has known Kirsten Longacre for any length will know that her feelings for Amy Silva are different from those of her previous relationship. Professional admiration and friendship move so easily into falling in love in a heady but still grounded way. The times in Amy's apartment were among her happiest before everything went wrong.
"I was plenty angry at letting her have it before she left for this ridiculous mission; the warning signs were all there. Loving a police officer like Amy Silva is never easy, but I am not going to let that stupid helipad be the last meaningful thing we say to each other." Kirsten declares resolutely.
"Your Amy is tough, and when the time is right, I'm looking forward to meeting her officially and giving her a gentle grilling. We'll wait until she is back to full health." he kisses her forehead.
"Amy used to talk about that before everything went wrong the first time, meeting everyone and learning about my wild times tearing the highlands like Merida or something." Kirsten recalls fondly.
Kirsten let her body relax for a moment before heading back to Amy's bedside and waiting for the next rounds of testing and medical visits. There is so much to do trying to support Amy and keep in touch with the people in the other woman's life. Her dad runs his callused hands up and down her back comfortingly.
"If you give me your key, I'll check on Amy's plants, feed the cat and freshen up the water bowl. Is there anything that I can pick up for you? Does Amy have a favourite pillow or blanket that will remind of home and happier times?"
"Amy doesn't have a sentimental streak, especially when it comes to this place after the car accident." Kirsten feels a surge of sadness at the memories.
"Okay, ring me if you think of anything."
***
Kirsten works herself into a new routine.
Conventional guidelines like visiting hours don't apply for somebody in such a serious condition and have no family to be on rotation. This hospital is familiar with the supportive crowds of officers who come to support a colleague. Kirsten stays in the morning and visits in the evening, using the rest of her leave to prepare for Amy to return home and restart therapy.
"How are you feeling, Amy?" Kirsten asks while feeding the older woman ice chips.
"Like I am a woman who pretended to be an action star and trying to save the world on no sleep and far too much hard liquor. Let's not forget the time in a missile tube." Amy makes a quip with a weary smile.
"Will you raise a valid point, they are starting to reduce your medication, which should help with your sleep cycle, not that its easy in a hospital."
"What will encourage you to sleep for any length of time, DS Longacre." Amy teases gently
Kirsten Longacre brushes a self-conscious hand through her hair, knowing that Amy isn't wrong in her assessment. If she is honest, staying in the hospital room isn't worse than her weeks of worrying about Amy and everything that she is going through while pretending to be the intimidating DCI Amy Silva. At least she can get reliable information on the matter.
"Seriously expensive hot chocolate from the same expensive supermarket where I get Cat's new favourite treat brand." Kirsten confesses honestly.
"Dr Thatcher and the others are planning my movement to the Rehabilitation Services, somewhere between the pressures of test pilots and astronauts. Nothing will change if you spend the day to yourself rather than taking unofficial 'caregiver leave'." Amy points, trying to work around the roughness in her throat.
"We have had this conversation before, Amy Silva. When you have all the final details, I can also establish new routines,." Kirsten rolls out her shoulders and stretches her back.
***
"Can I visit, Kirsten?"
Connecting with Poppy is an amazing bonus, but there are so many different and difficult moments; the young girl loses her beloved dad and only hears bits and pieces about the woman she considers a stepmother. In their first relationship, Kirsten was desperate to meet Poppy and be in Amy's 'real world'. These moments of interaction were tender and hopeful.
"Not yet, Sweetheart. Amy will be up for a visit soon and l put up your pictures on the wall."
Poppy is diligent and insists on calling every few days and listening to updates about how Amy feels. Kirsten can see why Amy loves the girl so much; she is bright and curious and lightens even the most challenging day.
"When Amy is better, will you come round and visit us again, I think she would like that, its her birthday soon." Poppy asks eagerly.
Kirsten Longacre doesn't have extensive experience with children, much less during difficult circumstances. Still, she works on what she would like to know if Kirsten was in that position, drawing on the times she works with children who have been victims of a crime or are witnesses. There are similarities in the calm and direct information in an age-appropriate way.
"Of course, I will, but she might not be well enough to visit for her birthday. We can have a delayed celebration in the park, if you would like that?" Kirsten offers gently.
***
Amy is getting better.
Improvements have unusual measurements now. The senior officer is having a more natural sleep and wake cycle in the quieter part of the ward. They have tender conversations; Amy shares memories of her former partner and their time raising Poppy. Kirsten is eager to learn more while feeling jealous that she doesn't get to share a time with a happy version of Amy Silva.
"Your dad stopped by and dropped off some new reading material. Spy thrillers and crime noir don't hit the same way; it's nice to have visitors again and not feel like an alien newly arrived on the planet." Amy holds up her hand, which is bruises from so many lures.
"He mentioned that he was stopping by and managed to avoid staying and talking your ear off about the good old days and the latest politics in Scotland." Kirsten jokes while she rearranges the pillows.
"I wasn't expecting such a warm welcome with your family members, knowing how I hurt their beloved daughter and cousin." Amy replies knowingly.
Kirsten Longacre wishes that she could wipe away that doubt and insecurity. It will take them a while to reconcile their past and any attempt at a future. She was never angry at Amy, not in a genuine sense. There was bone-deep sadness, but she spent time with the Longacre family and refused to lead them to take the traditional path of closing ranks around one side or the other.
"They want to see me happy; everyone learns quickly that commenting on our relationship wasn't a good way to go."
"You won't be going home any time soon, DCI Silva."
Even if it confuses their relationship status, Kirsten clings to Amy's hand and public displays of affection are off-limits for much of their relationship. Still, Amy refuses to let go and insists that Kirsten stays and listens to everything. Thankfully, the medical staff are keeping her infection risk and pain under control. Still, Amy is weak and doesn't have the energy to do more than the mandated physiotherapy and the
"My unreliable motor control and frequent periods of unconsciousness gave me a clue there."Amy says wearily
"Whatever happened down there did a number on your body. We are optimistic you will make a recovery while doing paperwork for a while." Dr Frasier warns not for the first time.
"Believe it or not I'm looking forward to facing nothing more than a few papercuts." Amy agrees, turning to give Kirsten a weary smile and reaching for hand.
Kirsten Longacre has to smile, and this changes Amy's attitude. The first few days, the detective does everything to push herself physically, from walking down the hall to getting to the bathroom and shower. Kirsten cradles Amy's waist and helps her shuffle through these movements, navigating with the IV lines and the beeping machines. It becomes evident that Amy needs more time and rest.
***
"Will you help me do something with my hair?"
"Sure, though Poppy isn't going to be focusing on such things, Sweetheart." Kirsten stands up from the hospital chair and reaches for the bag.
The moments are awkward, but Kirsten is getting familiar with putting the towels on the bed with a wash basin on the table. Amy relaxes as Kirsten runs her hand through her long, dirty hair, soaking the strains in the basin. Kirsten keeps up a low murmur of commentary before working the shampoo into her scalp. Every time Kirsten does such personal care, she finds a new small scrap or bruise, minor compared to everything else but still heart-breaking.
"Poppy doesn't remember much of the crash, but she saw the bruises and me in pain while trying to save us and in the first few days after the accident. It all left an impression which I don't want to repeat because a work mission went wrong." Amy insists quietly.
"A little more than a work mission gone wrong, we are police officers but not everything is like those procedures on TV." Kirsten points out
Yes, but that is all Poppy; everyone will know for now. At least it's a good sign that I have the energy to care about such things and stay awake long enough to do anything about the chaos." Amy sighs into the touch.
In some ways, Kirsten wishes that more people would know about Amy's lengths to keep everyone safe and detangle the conspiracy. There needs to be recognition of 'officer on the line story'. Still, Amy Silva doesn't want to be a hero; she loathes attention, even when Kirsten is an over-eager junior officer wishing to learn from the formable senior.
"Would it be okay if I sit on some of the talks with Poppy as you guys start to explain what's going on, visiting schedules?" Kirsten asks hesitantly
"I did the wrong thing, trying to pretend that we could do nothing but drink wine, go to the pub and chat over music as if you wanted a half a girlfriend and partner. It was easy enough to see all those instincts when you were teasing me about being a misanthrope; you were in it from the start, complications, stepdaughter and all." Amy sounds regretful.
"Mmmm, but it's your personality to seem the strong and silent type, our communication styles conflicted for a while. Not that we need to go over this ground right now. Let's focus on Poppy's visit." Kirsten reaches for the towel and hairdryer.
"Will you stay?" Amy doesn't hide the vulnerability in her voice.
"Of course I will, everything will be fine, you've got this, with a circadian with rhythm and good oxygen saturation. Can I ask you something?" Kirsten offers encouragingly.
"As long as you don't stop brushing my hair." Amy agrees quickly.
"Why did you tell Poppy's grandparents that we were together and in a position to renegotiate her custody arrangement? It seemed like a big step when we were barely talking." Kirsten asks
"It was a stupid thing to say, reckless even; you were just so wonderful. The idea was a dream in the back of my mind, and I blurted it out when they were, rightfully, worrying about my ability to work such long hours. A rush of optimism." Amy confesses
The next hour passes in companiable silence. Kirsten feels her stomach flutter nervously.
"Amy, I have been so worried!"
Poppy Torrens flies down the corridor, her grandparents following more sedately, chiding the girl softly. Thankfully, Amy has a private room for privacy and security reasons. It is easy to monitor the comings and goings in this place, and the security officers aren't that far away.
"Oh, Poppy, it's so wonderful to see you; I've missed you so much, did you have a good birthday?" Amy asks, blinking away tears.
"It wasn't the same without you, but Kirsten came round and gave me your present and talked about you being hurt at work. Grandma sees you will be sick for a while. " Poppy reports solemnly.
Amy glances at her former mother-in-law and Kirsten as Poppy hugs her gently. The older Torrens family members stand against the back wall, their faces grave. Still, Morag and Gordan smile, seeing their quiet and grieving granddaughter so happy. Kirsten feels a lump in her throat, feeling empathy for everybody and their different layers of grief. Hopefully, Poppy's living arrangements can bring peace.
***
Amy is awake enough to make foolish declarations.
"If you want to..." Amy begins softly
"Whatever noble and self-sacrificing you are contemplating, Amy Silva, don't."
This afternoon is a good one. Amy is well enough to move to one of the general wards with fewer decontamination protocols; Kirsten does her best to track every medical decision and plan. The primary doctors are honest in saying that they don't see many people with Amy's series of injuries, submarine injuries, yes, sabotage less likely. Only a few know the full story out of medical necessity. Poppy and her grandparents come for their first visit, staying for a few hours.
"Kirsten, you are back into the caregiver role without us figuring out anything else. Nuclear sabotage and never death notwithstanding, I promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistakes again." Amy insists, working to sit up in the hospital bed.
Kirsten sits on the edge of the hospital bed.
"I am not the superstar DCI in the room, but it can hold two complex ideas simultaneously. I'm furious about what happened over the last few months, but everything else is off the table when you simultaneously tell me you love me and risk your life and nearly die." Kirsten reaches out and wraps the hand without the lure and drip.
Amy works to smile, but her eyes fill with tears.
"I can still feel the tube, with the water seeping in, guarantee my death without the opportunity to make amends. It's almost like the movies, with more paperwork, secrecy clauses and an absence of healing montages." Amy works around the hoarseness in her throat.
"I have those nightmares too, except my amateur Morse code lessons weren't enough for you to get through to the men on the submarine. Let's face it: that was a seduction technique by another name." Kirsten leans down and kisses her cheek.
"Desperation can bring extra energy and strength, even if I lose everything else now." Amy moves her leg wearily.
"Hey, its not all that bad. It will take a while for you to feel better, but not all hope is lost. You are learning you aren't a superwoman who can be a TV version of a police officer running into danger." Kirsten gestures to the cast on her leg.
"Your dad is keen for me to see some of the family property in the highlands. It may be a while before I can keep up and go hiking, not with the nerve damage and hip pain." Amy offers nervously
"Oh, don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. Dad isn't talking about a castle-like Belmoral or something. He is an amateur genealogist and shares this with everyone who will listen. Let's start with a few dinners and family game nights." Kirsten agrees, rubbing her hand soothingly.
"I'll see how Poppy feel, she is curious about you since finding the photos on my phone, I couldn't bring myself to delete them, thank you for going to see them. There aren't many ex-girlfriends who would be willing to hold the fragile pieces of their former partner's life together." Amy smiles softly.
"The argument could be made, at least according to my relatives, I never broke up with you and Cat, it was more of a pause that still had me worrying about your feline overlord and sneaking sandwiches into your desk." Kirsten confesses, a flush on her pale cheeks.
"My list of suspects on that front was limited, but thank you for confessing to being my sandwich fairy. It does make it similar to paying you back with hot chocolates and salads. No, I deserved more than a breakup; I needed to confront a life that was nothing beyond surviving. " Amy declares firmly.
Kirsten knew that to be true, but it didn't make seeing Amy Silva fade away into herself, avoiding social events at the office, avoiding anyone who doesn't directly connect to the cases. Small gestures of connection and care feel like a place for her endless worries and concern about the woman she still loves.
"Perhaps, but too many things can be true at once; we moved too fast, and I had unshakable optimism, not fitness for a DS and our feelings for each other were never in doubt. I sometimes wonder if you would be in this mess if we stuck it out a little longer. Whatever, desperate logic got you to say yes to the Vigil." Kirsten reaches out and brushes a hand on her forehead.
"I was still acting like a lone ranger who could make decisions without checking in; Poppy's grandparents weren't wrong about toxic
. compartmentalisation
***
Kirsten wheels Amy in the park near the hospital.
"Maybe we can share expensive hot chocolate and start getting to know each other again in between therapy and medical appointments."
Kirsten pauses while unwrapping her sandwich; she turns on the park bench and gives the older detective a weary look. Amy has been thoughtful and reflective for the last few days since Poppy's visit and their early conversations. Kirsten suspects that Amy wants to continue establishing their relationship boundaries.
"Well I do have fond memories of standing on the rooftop and you extolling the virtues of being a heartless misanthrope." Kirsten chuckles
"I am sick and am going to spend lots of time in the hospital, not to mention the mandatory therapy that I won't protest needing. It means we won't bump into each other at work or next to the vending machine. We need to communicate, not fall back into caregiver roles." Amy explains softly.
"I never minded that aspect of our relationship; we have talked more in the last few weeks and months than the rest of our relationship combined." Kirsten protests
"Which is sad when you consider some of those weeks involve a cypher and 24 work shifts. Can we try a few times when our interactions don't have such high-stakes moments? Be officers in different departments, not chasing down the same leads and in other words, A weekend day at the pub playing Jinga or other board games? That's what I would dream about the first time you left." Amy explains, smiling sadly.
"We were on the same page there. We can take things slow, Amy, but I don't want to erase our past, as if you will reboot as 'Amy Silva 2.0, the brighter and shiner version. Second chances exist for a reason."' Kirsten insists firmly.
"Well, that's a relief; I didn't fancy my chances of diving into the self-help obsession with reinvention and welcoming a new path into a content future, all that stuff makes my head spin. I can at least try and be more of the person that you saw fit to share a home with for a while." Amy reaches and squeezes the younger woman's hand gently.
"Well, a recovering misanthrope needs to take such emotional upheaval slowly. We can start with watching TV shows and passing judgements on the scriptwriting. Time together is what's important to me, it doesn't matter where or how. Poppy is already planning our weekend itinerary." Kirsten informs her happily.
"We will do more than hide in my apartment and cater to Cat's every move and whim. You were never my shameful secret, but my actions didn't convey that, which is one of my biggest regrets. I'll take you to Paris for fresh macrons or something equally stereotypical." Amy declares firmly
"I look forward to it; you aren't going to keep me from hovering; those days when you were on the Vigil drove me wild with helplessness." is the swift reply.
Amy moves over in the picnic blanket, making space at her side. Some of her joints are in cast or have limited movement, so the movement is a production. Kirsten wants to protest the effort, but Amy is working hard to regain a sense of bodily autonomy. These efforts aren't what the physio suggested; Kirsten sits hesitantly on the edge of the bed.
"Amy, I'm glad you are feeling better but this bed isn't designed for two."
"I will gently insist that you start visiting during the scheduled visiting hours and have a life outside this hospital. you can brought interesting stories from the outside world." Amy declares, tugging on her hand encouragingly
"Gods, I've missed you, DCI Silva. This is one way to celebrate no longer having an IV drip or six."
Kirsten sinks into the other side of the blanket. Kirsten has a mental map of all of Amy's most painful areas and joint difficulties. It's not the most comfortable feeling, but the casual intimacy and Amy's solid presence release all the tension on her shoulders. Amy trails her free hand down Kirsten's shoulder. For a second, this could be a weekend lying in bed, hopefully the first of such opportunities.
"Tell me a story of my never-ending efforts to recover outside the hospital," Amy asks as they sink into the embrace.
"We are not going to stay on the ground for too long. I didn't pick this slot with sitting and lying comfort in mind." Kirsten declares while weaving their fingers together. My cousin is getting married. in a few months, I will start preparing with my aunt." Kirsten starts explaining, smiling at the idea.
"Does she have a theme or a hideous colour scheme?" Amy asks teasingly
"It's not half bad, but I've let everyone know that my being at the wedding party depends on your latest medical reports or Cat's latest whims," Kirsten replies quickly.
"Being the director of my support squad does not mean that you need to be here for every second. I am somewhere between technology adverse and attached to the Nokia brinks. Still, my stepdaughter teaches me about sending flittering and temporary photographs. I'll even send you copies of my kidney and nerve conduction readings, please consider going." Amy promises faithfully
"We have time to discuss such logistics." Kirsten leans over and kisses her cheek.
Kirsten feels a wave of protection for the woman who is still unwell and with a long road to recovery but is still making an effort to connect. Her tragic experiences only highlight her natural reticence and introvertness. Emotional intimacy was one of their biggest sticking points, and Amy seemed to recognise this in the days and weeks in the hospital and make tentative efforts to bridge the gaps.