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Self-reflection has never been Fabian’s strength.
Yes, it’s gotten better over the past years and he has learned a lot. But much like sword fighting it’s a skill to be practiced and honed and Fabian is man enough to admit that he’s not an expert. Yet. He’ll probably get there at some point.
But on the day Fabian kissed Aelwyn and she said “Well. No offense, but this really needs some work” his ego was bruised. Maybe even a little shattered. Fabian “My kisses are perfect” Aramais Seacaster did not expect to find yet another thing he isn’t great at. His papa always told him that he would be great at everything he ever tried his hands on but by now Fabian knows that that’s not true.
That won’t stop him from trying though.
“Hey, I’m sure Ragh would love to help”, Aelwyn said.
Fabian was too dumbfounded to answer.
Even three days later he’s unsure of what exactly that’s supposed to mean. He won’t ask Ragh for kissing help. That would be insane. There must be many people who would be thankful to kiss Fabian, so really, Aelwyn should have been happy to offer practice.
Maybe Aelwyn simply has bad taste. Fabian doesn’t have to kiss Aelwyn, he can kiss any girl he likes. And honestly, after everything that’s been happening maybe this wasn’t supposed to be A Thing anyway.
Fabian refuses to be hung up about this.
He also refuses to wonder more about what Aelwyn meant.
Maybe Aelwyn talked to Ragh about how Fabian is a bad kisser. Those two have been hanging out a lot those past few months. One time Fabian walked in on Aelwyn sleeping in Ragh’s lap and for a hot second he forgot that Ragh was gay. That was probably why he was staring mostly at Ragh, mouth slightly open and drooling as he snored with Aelwyn curled up like a cat on his massive thighs.
There’s obviously no reason to be jealous of a gay buddy.
It’s not like Ragh and Aelwyn would have anything going on. They’re just friends. The scene made Fabian ponder whether it would be acceptable for him to curl up in Ragh’s lap like this and fall asleep but it seems ridiculous in retrospect. He has an enormous bed with a mattress that feels like clouds which is preferable to the lap of a friend. Teammate. Adventuring buddy.
Ragh is his guy. His man. His—well.
The list should end there and he should not think about an extension of it because it will probably drive him insane if he has to do any more drastic character development in the next year of school at all.
So Fabian takes his offense at Aelwyn’s statement and his confusion about Ragh and shoves them where the sun doesn’t shine because that seems safest while he does his best to get used to his new life as a dancer, a fencer and someone who’s being his own man instead of following in his father’s every footstep—so really, no one can blame him.
He can get his kisses in with someone who is not Aelwyn or Ragh.
The Bad Kids are invited to so many parties these days that surely Fabian can find someone to make out with who doesn’t come with any sort of baggage and just wants to kiss the Captain of the Owlbear team who killed a dragon and defeated the Nightmare King with his adventuring party. While contemplating his choices on a party at Danielle’s place—which is always wild because there are trees everywhere and one of them even talks—Fabian ends up sitting on one of the huge beanbags with Gorgug who’s holding something that looks very poisonous but smells like peppermint.
“What the fuck is that?”, Fabian wants to know and peers into Gorgug’s glass. Gorgug leans over the glass and stares into the green liquid.
“Uh”, he says, seeming unsure, “I think maybe it’s some of Fig’s Peppermint Schnapps? There was some sweet woodruff punch that I was originally going for but this doesn’t smell right, I guess.”
Since they’re adventure in the Nightmare King’s forest Fabian and Gorgug have gotten way more comfortable with physical affection. That is to say, Fabian has gotten more comfortable with it and Gorgug is now allowing himself to be his own softly affectionate self around him just as he is with the other Bad Kids.
“Do you want some?”, Gorgug asks and his shoulder and thigh are pressed against Fabian’s when he turns around to offer his glass to Fabian.
A thing Fabian learned about himself: He likes being touched.
Not just in the horny way—because of course Fabian likes being touched like that—but also in the nonsexual way. Fabian enjoys hugging Gorgug.
Would he ever admit this?
No.
Does he feel pleasantly warm whenever Gorgug initiates a hug?
Yes.
Would Fabian ever initiate one himself?
No. At least not yet. Maybe in two years once he’s gotten over everything else that’s going on his life.
Fabian grabs the glass, sniffs it again and takes a sip. It tastes disgusting.
“Fuck”, he wheezes and pulls a face. “That’s terrible!”
Gorgug laughs softly and nods before taking a sip for himself.
“So what’s up man?”, Fabian wants to know and even though the drink tastes absolutely disgusting Fabian takes the glass when Gorgug hands it to him and takes another swig. Gorgug looks at the dancing party guests with flowers in their hair and his eyes linger on Zelda and Sam who are looking at Ostentatia’s phone somewhere over on the side of the dancefloor. Fabian barely hears him when he says “Zelda and I broke up”.
It takes Fabian’s brain a few seconds to realize what Gorgug is saying.
“Fuck, shit. Sorry, dude. That sucks”, he says, feeling a little awkward and something else that he has trouble pinpointing. Maybe he’s glad that Gorgug took another step back down towards him—it always was a little embarrassing that Gorgug had a girlfriend while Fabian didn’t. But that train of thought is fucking mean and Fabian shoves it back down. This shouldn’t be about his bruised ego.
“It’s okay”, Gorgug says with a slight smile and turns his head towards Fabian. “We decided on it together and we’re still good friends.”
Fabian wonders if it would be rude to ask more questions. Somehow lessons in friendship were never covered in his father’s endless tales about his exploits at sea or his mother’s fencing lessons. For a moment Fabian wishes that Cathilda was hear to whisper some tips into his ear on how to console a friend who just broke up with his girlfriend without being a dick about it.
“So—uh. I dunno if this is like, weird to talk about or—uh. Do you wanna tell me… or…?”, he trails off awkwardly and waves his hand in a way that could mean anything. Fabian steals the glass back from Gorgug to take a few bigger sips this time because he feels ridiculous in his incompetence.
“Uh—well. I guess…um. So—I kinda talked to Jawbone and I think I might be poly? But Zelda isn’t. And then she also kinda figured out that she likes someone else and I also like someone else but. She only wants to be with one person and I was like. I would try to date two people but… obviously if not everyone is on board that kinda sucks. So… yeah. I guess. It’s complicated.”
Fabian’s brain is feeling a little dizzy now and he’s not sure if it’s because of the green drink or because of the journey his whole body and his brain just undertook listening to Gorgug. It sounds so fucking complicated and for a heartbeat Fabian thinks that having a relationship might just not be for him because it sounds exhausting if you have to deal with stuff like this.
But then again when Zelda and Gorgug were good they were… really good. So maybe it doesn’t have to be complicated.
Fuck if Fabian knows. He hands Gorgug his glass back.
“Wow”, he says and feels ridiculous, following Gorgug’s gaze back towards Zelda and the two other girls. Who would Zelda like if not Gorgug? Well. Fabian supposes that she still likes him but doesn’t want to share him. Which leads Fabian to the important question if he would ever want to share his girlfriend. Partner. Whatever.
The voice of his father sounds through his brain and Fabian knows immediately that Bill Seacaster would never have shared his wife with anyone when he was still alive. But seeing Sandralynn and Jawbone and Gorthalax and Sklonda it seems… kinda cool. More kisses for everyone, that much is certain.
Fabian tries not to think of those four kissing because adults kissing is gross.
He turns his head back to Gorgug.
“Uh—sorry?”, he tries and Gorgug laughs a little and buffs Fabian’s shoulder with his own which makes Fabian feel strangely warm.
“It’s okay. Really. I mean. Like I said, we’re still friends. And I guess… Well. I was kinda sad about it but talking to Jawbone really helped.”
“Okay. Good. Uh—so. Do you like… wanna get smashed?”, Fabian wants to know because that is all he can think of to say and Gorgug’s smile makes his stomach feel fuzzy.
“Yeah. I guess we could do that. Should I get you more of this stuff?”
“Fuck no. I want a beer”, Fabian says and Gorgug gets up from the enormous beanbag. Gorgug doesn’t have to get Fabian anything to drink but man, Gorgug is just so goddamn nice. He fixed Fabian’s motorcycle, he gave him an orange, read a whole book about how to cheer Fabian up…
Fabian thinks that Zelda must be completely insane to break up with Gorgug.
He would rather share him than not have him it all which might be a bit immature, but.
Fabian’s brain grinds to a halt.
“Kristen gave me this but I think Fig might have spiked it with Vodka?”, Gorgug’s voice says from Fabian’s right and Fabian blinks up at him with his remaining eye, taking the glass that Gorgug hands him just to down it in one single go.
“Whoa”, Gorgug says and blinks back down at him. “Uh—That was kinda faster than I thought it would be. I can go again?”
Beer with Vodka tastes absolutely atrocious.
“Uh—no. That’s fine. I’ll get one for myself. Be right back”, Fabian says and flees from the beanbag and Gorgug and his own inner monologue. He finds more beer and something that glows weirdly magical but Fabian is too busy drowning out his thoughts to pay much mind to it, so he downs another beer and grabs two glowing bottles because he would feel like a dick if he didn’t also get a drink for Gorgug.
“Oi, Fabian, dude, you good? You look like you’re gonna puke your guts out.”
Fabian has one bottle in each hand as Ragh throws his meaty arm around Fabian, pressing him to Ragh’s side with a big grin.
“Uh—“, Fabian starts and tries not to think about Ragh’s biceps. “Just getting some booze. Gorgug and Zelda broke up.”
This is good. This will distract Ragh.
Fabian expects him to be shocked, full of pity and surprise. Instead Ragh’s entire face goes dark green and he ducks his head, using his free hand that is not currently resting on Fabian’s shoulder to scratch the back of his head.
“Oh—uh. Damn. Well. Yeah, wow, dude.”
That is not the reaction Fabian expected. At all.
“Ragh, my man. You good?”
Ragh looks at Fabian, looks up at the starry nightsky sprinkled with actual fairies and then he grabs Fabien by the shoulders and shakes him a little.
“Shit, dude, I think I’m like. Into Gorgug”, Ragh blurts out in a sort of screamed whisper. Fabian almost chokes on his own spit. His mind flashes back to Gorgug pressing a kiss to Ragh’s lips at prom, to Gorgug and Ragh bonding about not knowing who their dad is, to how physically affectionate those two are with each other in a way that Fabian will probably not manage in a billion years.
“Oh”, he says, unsure what is happening in his ribcage right now. He really needs someone to peer into his body and explain all those fucking reactions to Fabian because shit, feelings are so exhausting.
“Well, but. Like. Then it’s… good? Right? Because he’s not with Zelda anymore”, Fabian says, eyeing the bottle of glowing liquid in his hand with growing desire. He needs to be more drunk. He needs to be completely hammered. Maybe he can find some dragonspice or magical mushrooms. Danielle’s place seems to be a great spot to find some of those.
Ragh huffs and shakes Fabian a little more, which, coming from Ragh means that Fabian spills half of the bottles he’s holding. Why is this guy so insanely muscular? And why does Fabian keep thinking about the fact that Ragh is so muscular? Because he’s going insane and there can be no other explanation for it.
Absolutely not.
“I don’t know, man! Gorgug is like, a totally sweet guy, right? He wouldn’t like. Start dating someone else right after, right? Or like—I guess. I don’t think he even likes guys. I jumped a little bit ahead of myself. So like—uh. It just sucks, I guess.”
Fabian has no idea what to say yet again.
“Um—do you wanna get smashed with us?”, he asks weakly.
“Fuck yes, dude!”, Ragh shouts, pumps his fist into the air and grabs a few more bottles of the glowing stuff before heading back to where Gorgug is sitting, still slowly sipping the green liquid from hell.
This was a bad idea, Fabian realizes belatedly.
He finds himself stuck between two very large, very muscular guys who keep handing him bottles of glowing liquid which tastes way better than the Peppermint Schnapps or Beer with Vodka but also makes his brain feel like soap bubbles and his stomach like a bath bomb dissolving in a tub slowly and very colorfully.
His mind, the absolutely filthy traitor, flashes back to him and Gorgug approaching Ragh about joining them on their Spring Break quest and Ragh immediately taking off his shirt and announcing that he’s been waiting for a three-way make out session between the three of them forever.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
Fabian is feeling very hot.
“Hey, you good, dude?”, Ragh shouts over the music and Fabian can feel his breath tickling his ear and he can feel Gorgug’s arm around his shoulders and no, Fabian is definitely not good. Nothing is good and his brain feels as if it’s eating itself trying to come up with a rational, logical explanation for how he’s feeling right now that doesn’t boil down to him being into both Ragh and Gorgug.
Fabian fails miserably.
“Uh—hey, maybe you should drink some water?”, Gorgug asks gently, his hand on his shoulder like a hot piece of iron on his skin. Ragh touches Fabian’s hair and that’s it. Fabian is getting out of here. He gets up way too quickly and before he can take even one step towards the exit he vomits all over the floor. The last thing he registers is that his vomit glows bright purple.
*
“Fuck me”, Fabian groans.
“I have so many questions”, Kristen says. “Mainly… why is your skin purple?”
Fabian throws a pillow at her.
“I drank some glowing stuff on Danielle’s party and apparently it turned everyone into different colors based on their fucking emotions or whatever”, Fabian mumbles and Kristen snorts as she rubs her hands together before putting them on both sides of his head. If it were for Fabian he would have preferred not to see anyone while he was bright purple but he figured that his best shot at getting rid of this shit was to ask a cleric.
And the cleric of his trust is Kristen.
“Awesome. Kinda sorry I missed it. So what’s purple mean?”, she wants to know. Fabian can feel her magic cover his skin and cool his head down and the effect makes him sigh. He immediately feels less nauseous.
“’m not telling you”, he grumbles. Kristen cackles.
“What? Is it like… the horny color? I mean, come on, Fabian. We already knew you were horny. I always say there’s no shame in your desires”, Kristen says with a wide grin and Fabian certainly knows that this is her philosophy with how much she jokes about 69-ing her girlfriend.
“Oh fuck off”, Fabian groans and throws another pillow at her. He has many on his enormous bed, so they should last him for a while if Kristen decides to be mean about his predicament. Fabian thinks about Kristen’s journey and half the time he didn’t understand what her issues were about but right now Fabian feels like maybe he understands part of them for the very first time.
Because fuck.
“Okay, you’re looking decidedly less purple”, Kristen says and looks pleased with herself. “What colors did the other guys turn?”
Fabian makes a sound like a dying corn gremlin.
“What? They turned purple, too?”
“I have sixteen more pillows”, Fabian threatens and Kristen cackles.
“Just three horny guys sitting underneath some fairy lights”, Kristen singsongs. Fabian doesn’t think he has enough pillows to throw at Kristen. She’s not entirely correct, of course, but it’s close enough and right now Fabian feels like he’s a tiny bit more comfortable with her thinking that he’s being strictly horny instead of.
Well.
He knows why Ragh turned purple—because he has a crush on Gorgug. And he also knows why Gorgug turned purple—because he still has feelings for Zelda and an unnamed third party.
So this can just be about his dick and not about his heart and Fabian is already mortified enough about that without Kristen knowing about the… well.
If Fabian doesn’t think it out loud to himself, maybe he can repress it for a few more weeks. Months. Or forever. Forever works too.
“No kidding though, man. It’s cool if you like guys too, right? I would never judge you. Or the others. We’re all like. Either part of the family or like. Allies”, she says with a more serious tone. Fabian examines his hands to check if there really is no trace of the traitorous purple left on him before he eyes Kristen from the side.
“I know”, he says. “I just. I dunno. It’s just a lot, alright? Aelwyn was like ‘your kisses aren’t great’ and then Gorgug was like ‘I broke up with Zelda’ and then I was a sandwich between Gorgug and Ragh and I wanted to get my kisses in but I didn’t think I’d want to like. Get them from a guy, okay? It’s just. Whatever. I still like girls, alright? It’s not a big deal.”
Kristen pats his shoulder and it doesn’t feel condescending at all.
“I get it, man. You’re bi. That’s cool”, she says and her genuine smile almost makes Fabian cry. Gods, he really needs to pull himself together. “All I’m saying is… you’re in good company.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“And I don’t really get it—like. Get it get it, right? But Ragh and Gorgug are both really great guys, so like. Good job, man. Great taste!”
Fabian eyes another pillow but decides against throwing it. He sighs.
“After Spring Break I really just wanted a break from all the, like… emotional stuff”, he grumbles.
“I hear you, man, I hear you. We’ve all had enough shit happen to us for a lifetime. But hey, this is great news! Welcome to the family”, she says with a bright smile and throws one of the pillows back at him. It hits him square in the face and stays there, so Fabian can allow himself a small, private smile.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe this isn’t so terrible after all.
He’s Fabian Aramais Seacaster after all. He has dealt with so much shit. He can deal with being bi.
*
Fabian thinks he’s going to die.
After his talk with Kristen and the whole purple disaster he didn’t consider that he would have to go back to Bloodrush practice which means locker rooms and showers which means seeing Gorgug and Ragh naked at practice.
Fuck.
This has never been an issue before so why is he now staring at the white tiled wall in front of him as if it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen in his entire life? Dancing might have put him more in touch with his emotions but why must there be so goddamn many of them all of a sudden, all the time?
This is ridiculous.
Fabian has never in his life showered and dressed this quickly just in case his dick decides to make a fool of him. He wonders if this was ever a problem for Ragh who had to shower with his crush for months on end and even though Ragh wasn’t really aware that he was into Dayne, his body must have reacted to him, right?
Fabian will certainly never ask him this. Maybe he can get someone else to ask Ragh.
Because this seems very relevant to his life.
How to shower with your buddies when you suddenly think they’re really hot?
Ugh.
Maybe this is something he can also ask Kristen who must have similar problems with girls, right? As far as Fabian knows she doesn’t have any traitorous body parts that can reveal her innermost secrets though.
He’s ripped out of his thoughts by Ragh’s booming voice.
“…looked really dope on you, though! Brings out your eyes for sure!”
“Oh, thank you? I guess maybe I could wear like. A purple sweater or something”, Gorgug answers and Fabian grabs his bag so quickly that he almost falls over one of his team mate’s bags in the process. Not the purple thing. Nope. Fabian does not want to talk about that.
“Fabian!”, Ragh calls.
Fuck.
“You’re not purple anymore!”, Gorgug exclaims with a smile. Fabian is a little distracted by the fact that Gorgug is only wearing a white towel wrapped around his waist and his wet hair is clinging to his forehead. How can Fabian be more affected by this than Ragh who looks totally fine with standing next to so many naked guys?
“Uh—yeah. Kristen fixed it for me”, Fabian says.
Ragh bumps his shoulder against Fabian’s and Fabian does not stare at his biceps again. He doesn’t. Or his hairy stomach or his huge thighs. Nope. Absolutely not.
“Awesome, dude. I had Aelwyn fix it for me but not gonna lie, dude, I kinda dig the purple! It looked kinda awesome”, Ragh says with a wide grin.
“I definitely prefer my regular skin”, Fabian says.
“Yeah, for sure, dude. Your skin is like, really nice”, Ragh says.
“Yeah, for sure”, Gorgug repeats.
Fabian stares at them. He is reminded of when Ragh complained about his elven fuckbuddy talking about his skin, but that must have been different somehow because Fabian doesn’t feel bad for receiving a compliment for his skin—no, instead, it makes him feel almost fluffy on the inside.
Which is ridiculous. How can a person feel fluffy inside?
“Uh—great. Yeah. Imma just…”, Fabian starts without knowing what he’s going to say, gives a vague hand gesture and flees out of the locker room and from his dumb, fluffy feelings. This is ridiculous. Even if Fabian has a crush on Ragh and Gorgug that doesn’t mean that he has to behave like an awkward loser who doesn’t have any rizz—pun not intended.
He went out to rescue Aelwyn feeling so sure that he would make out with her the second they met without any doubt in his mind. It’s not like his entire self-confidence could have just evaporated after what happened during Spring Break, right? There must still be some of it left inside him.
And with that confidence surely he could just walk up to Ragh and say something cool like “Hey, buddy. About that three-way make out sesh”. Or something. Or he could just kiss Ragh and see what happens.
Gorgug is most likely a lost cause because just like Ragh said, Gorgug doesn’t even like guys. But if Fabian wants to get his kisses in he could just ask Ragh, right? Would that be weird because Ragh is his buddy? But Ragh was ready to kiss him when he thought that that’s what Gorgug and Fabian wanted.
Fabian needs to hit something instead of thinking so much because he much prefers fighting over all these feelings and considerations.
He ends up in Aelwyn’s room while Adaine is out with The Ball to investigate or read a book or whatever it is those two do when they’re out on their own. This is where Fabian’s misery started so he feels like he deserves to complain to Aelwyn who’s fault all of this is, really.
“Oh hi”, Aelwyn says. She’s lying on her bed with a book and barely moves her head when Fabian enters. “Sorry, I’m not in the mood to fuck.”
Fabian huffs, heat rising into his cheeks.
“I’m not here because of that. I want to talk about what you said. Like… about Ragh”, Fabian says, trying to sound as confident as possible. And as unperturbed. Aelwyn puts down her book and raises one eyebrow as she looks over the cover and directly at him and Fabian feels like she already knows that he’s not as confident as he wishes he was.
“Oh? Did you ask him for practice?”, she wants to know with a little smirk that makes Fabian’s cheeks heat up.
“No! Of course not!”
Aelwyn cocks her head and while she’s changed a lot Fabian can still see the sort of mean girl aura coming off of her in waves when she regards him like this. That was the Aelwyn he developed an insane crush on, but maybe they’ve both changed too much for it to actually work out. She’s still very hot. But maybe the sort of toxic sexual stuff is not what Fabian needs right now.
He can’t believe he’s thinking this. His dad would probably be appalled. Fabian thinks that he should probably not consider his father’s feelings when it comes to his sexlife.
Gods, maybe Adaine is right and he does need therapy.
Fabian huffs.
“I was just—uh. Wondering. Why you suggested that”, he says and crosses his arms in front of his chest. Aelwyn chuckles.
“Why not? Ragh is your buddy, right? Nothing against two good friends making out”, Aelwyn drawls and puts the book down onto her chest. Fabian doesn’t really know what to say to this because technically she’s not wrong, but he still wants to know why she suggested Ragh of all people and then a few days later he starts getting weird thoughts about his two good friends.
It’s really all Aelwyn’s fault. And Fabian wants her to take responsibility.
“Okay, listen. You suggesting that—that stuff… fucked up my brain somehow so I need you to own up for whatever it is you did”, Fabian says and Aelwyn blinks, looking honestly surprised as far as he can tell. This seems like a weird way to come out as bi to someone but Fabian is a little beyond caring at this point. He needs to sort this shit out before he stumbles into a new trauma inducing event in which he somehow stabs people to death while being possessed or says something dumb while staring at Gorgug’s chest muscles which pretty much feels the same degree of dangerous to him.
“Are you coming out to me in the most insane way possible?”, Aelwyn asks, now fully sitting up as if this was finally enough to make her engage in the conversation. Fabian huffs and tenses his shoulders.
“No?”, he says way too defensively.
Aelwyn gasps.
“Fabian Aramais Seacaster”, she says and leans forward, almost dropping the book into her lap in the process, “I can’t believe it.”
Fabian isn’t sure what exactly she’s referring to but it makes him kind of defensive so he juts his chin forward and says:
“What? Why shouldn’t I be bi?”
“Not saying you shouldn’t be. Just saying I didn’t see it coming because you always insisted on being your father’s son”, she says with a grin and Fabian now feels defensive about his father for some reason and it seems ridiculous to just say things like ‘Hey, maybe my papa also fucked men! I wouldn’t know! It could be though!’.
“Well, I am. My father’s son. I guess I am my father’s bisexual son, or whatever. Anyway, this is your fault”, Fabian says to get back to the original reason why he came here. Aelwyn laughs and it’s an earnest laugh, not like the snickering she sometimes still does when she’s deflecting.
“Never heard that I made a man bisexual before. I’m not sure if this is a compliment or an insult for me”, she considers and taps her chin with her index finger.
“Not as much of an insult as telling me that I’m a bad kisser”, Fabian grumbles.
Aelwyn shrugs.
“I mean. No hard feelings. Maybe you’ll be really great at kissing someone else.”
She pauses and then grins diabolically.
“Ragh, for example.”
“Stop!”, Fabian says and looks around for a pillow to throw but he can’t find one in reach so he simply turns around and marches out of her room. Aelwyn’s laughter follows him down the staircase and he can’t believe that Aelwyn of all people is the second person he came out to.
He never really appreciated how stressful this whole thing must have been to Kristen and he remembers how she came out to them at least three separate times and they all said “Yes we know” but now he feels like maybe this is just how it’s going to be. Coming out over and over again just because it feels like your entire world has turned upside down.
Ugh.
Fabian hides in his room for the rest of the day and tries to distract himself by doing way too many jumping jacks and situps and taking a ridiculously long shower which then reminds him of the locker room situation again and he’s back to zero.
When he comes out of the shower all red in the face from the heat of the water and with his skin all wrinkly he checks his crystal to see a text from Gorgug.
“You okay?”
Fabian groans.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Idk you just seemed a little off today. Just wanted to check in.”
Of course Gorgug just wants to check in, because he’s so goddamn nice and considerate and it makes Fabian want to pull his hair out. He wants to throw oranges at Gorgug and tell him to be less nice to make this less hard for Fabian’s stupid heart.
“It’s all good, just thinking about some stuff.”
Even in his own ears that sounds dumb as fuck but Gorgug of course would never call him dumb. No. He must be the nicest guy under the fucking sun.
“Wanna talk about it over ice-cream or something?”
“Ok be there in 15?”
He must be insane.
Whatever kind of drug bisexuality is it must have turned his mind into a puddle of madness and feelings. Maybe those two things are the same. Fabian doesn’t know. He gets dressed and fusses over his outfit for way too long before finally deciding on his usual jeans and a muscle shirt and stuffs a few kippers into his mouth on his way out.
His heart is beating way too fast.
This is not a date. This is just an innocent hangout between two guys who are good friends. Gorgug is just meeting up with him because he thinks that Fabian feels bad. Nevermind that Gorgug’s first date with Zelda was at Basrar’s. Fabian is definitely not thinking about that as he rides the Hangman down the streets towards the ice-cream shop.
The sun is out and only a few clouds are in the sky and Fabian does his best to just enjoy the feeling of the wind in his hair as he races down the roads without paying too much attention to his rapidly beating heart. Sadly his heart doesn’t care about what Fabian wants and it tries to break his ribs from the inside when he sees that Gorgug is wearing a tank top with a clumsily embroidered orange tree on it.
“Hey Fabian”, he says with a smile and a small wave that shouldn’t be as endearing as it is. Fabian wonders for a few seconds why he’s feeling disappointed until he realizes that it’s because Gorgug didn’t hug him.
Wow.
How much more pathetic can he become in one single day?
“Hi”, he says awkwardly and stares at Gorgug’s shoes. “You wanna get a table?”
“Yeah! I could do with a banana split for sure”, Gorgug says and walks into the shop, holding the door open for Fabian which makes Fabian’s stomach drop between his feet.
Holy shit, this is exhausting.
“I’ll have the strawberry surprise”, Fabian says glumly when Basrar floats over to them.
“A strawberry surprise and a banana split. Anything else I can get the young couple?”, Basrar says. Fabian’s brain short circuits and he immediately looks at Gorgug who turned dark green and cards his fingers through his hair nervously.
“Oh—uh. No, thanks, Basrar”, he says with a small smile. He doesn’t correct him though. Which doesn’t mean anything. But Fabian’s brain is obviously far down the way towards insanity and it decides to go even faster.
He remembers asking if this is what being in love feels like when Kristen and Fig had their crises about Ayda and Tracker and honestly? Yeah. Yeah, everything makes sense now. They were insane and Fabian feels insane and feelings are the most insane thing in the entire world. Whoever invented them, Fabian wants to fight that person in a parking lot.
“So… uh. Did you wanna talk about that stuff that made you feel weird?”, Gorgug asks, still with a dark green blush on his cheeks and the tip of his ears.
“Oh—right. Yeah. I guess.”
Great. How is he going to do this? Why did he agree to this?
“It’s kinda like—uh. I think maybe… you know. I might have—uh…”
Fuck, shit, fuck.
“Maybe I have a crush on Ragh”, he says very quickly, as if it’s less embarrassing if he says it as quickly as possible and Fabian feels his throat close up when Gorgug’s eyes go wide with surprise. Fuck. This is more terrifying than fighting a dragon.
Gods, Fabian wants to fight a dragon right now. He would give his second eye for some monster to swoop in here and attack them.
“Oh, wow”, Gorgug says and blinks. “Wow. Uh—thanks for trusting me with this, Fabian. That’s like. Huge, right?”
“I mean… yeah? I guess? It definitely feels huge and I don’t like it”, Fabian says and Gorgug smiles in a way that Fabian has a hard time interpreting.
“Yeah, I get that. Having a crush is like… really hard. Kinda exhausting, right?”, Gorgug says and Fabian feels so relieved to hear him say that.
“Yes! Man, it’s just. Too much! It’s too much all at the same time!”
“Yeah. Kinda really makes you wanna punch stuff so it can like, go somewhere”, Gorgug says.
Fabian wants to kiss him. Holy shit, he really wants to kiss Gorgug right now.
“Exactly! You get it, man!”
Gorgug smiles again and then sighs.
“You know… I’m really proud of you”, Gorgug says and Fabian feels embarrassment bubble up, but not the bad kind. He can feel his cheeks heat up and shrugs a little.
“For what?”, he asks as Basrar puts down the ordered ice-cream in front of them.
“You know? Talking about your feelings and stuff. I know you don’t like to do that. So I guess I just wanna say… that I appreciate it.”
“Oh—uh. Thank you. That’s… Thank you.”
They eat ice-cream in silence for a while and Fabian has never been jealous of a piece of cutlery before but right now the spoon that gets to touch Gorgug’s lips is really high on his shitlist.
It seems unfair that not only did he have to have his bi awakening but somehow he also ended up not liking just one of his best friends but two. Couldn’t it have been a random guy he saw on a party and then never has to see ever again? And also why didn’t Gorgug hug him?
“So—uh. Who is Zelda dating?”, Fabian asks and it takes him less than a second to realize that the attempt to distract from his own feelings might have come out a little bit insensitive. Gorgug glances at him and takes another spoonful of his banana split.
“Sam”, he says softly.
Oh. Huh. Another bi awakening. Maybe there’s something in the water.
“Damn. Is that like… weird?”, Fabian asks and pokes one of the strawberries in his bowl. Gorgug blinks, a little confused.
“Weird? Weird how?”
“I dunno. Like. You know? Because she’s into a girl now?”, Fabian asks. Fuck if he knows how all of this stuff is supposed to work. Gorgug shrugs.
“I don’t think it’s weirder than if she had another guy to be honest. It doesn’t really make a difference to me, I guess. And—uh.”
He stops and blushes again, fidgeting with his spoon.
“And I like… uh—I also like a guy. So. Yeah.”
Fabian drops his spoon into the bowl of ice-cream and curses under his breath.
Holy shit.
“Holy shit”, he says out loud.
Gorgug look a little sheepish.
“Hoot Growl?”, he says, seemingly unsure of what to make of Fabian’s reaction. Fabian holds out his fist and Gorgug’s bumps his against Fabian’s with a wide, happy smile.
“Hoot Growl”, Fabian repeats and grins back.
*
So now Fabian sits on this important piece of news that he can’t tell anyone because even Fabian knows that outing someone else sucks ass. So he won’t do it. He just has to deal with this knowledge in a normal, productive way. Something reasonable.
Fuck, he’s so bad at this.
Gorgug likes guys. Ragh likes Gorgug. Fabian likes both of them.
Maybe finding out who Gorgug likes would be step number one, but if Gorgug hasn’t told him so far maybe he just doesn’t want to say. Maybe he specifically doesn’t want to tell Fabian—maybe even because Fabian used to be a dick about Gorgug dating Zelda. And now here he is, sitting in the school’s parking lot, wanting to date Gorgug.
Wow.
His past self is really here to bite him in the ass.
“You okay, dude?”, Fig asks. She’s smoking a cigarette next to him and offered Fabian one but he’s not in the mood to smoke. His first thought was he once overheard Ragh say that he doesn’t like kissing people who taste like ash trays and now this seems incredibly relevant to Fabian’s life.
“Uh—yeah”, he says. How many of these talks can he endure before collapsing into a pile of woefulness? Not many more.
“Promise I won’t tell anyone”, Fig says and Fabian believes her. Of course he does. She’s one of his best friends in the world and she’s bi. But Fig is also in a band with Gorgug. What if she lets something slip? Maybe even more important though, what if she knows who Gorgug has a crush on?
Fabian clears his throat.
“It’s stupid”, he says and kicks his heels against the railing they’re sitting on. He should be in bard class with Fig, but they decided that they don’t need to attend because they’re too competent for everyone else. Fabian enjoys these outings. It makes him feel as if he can still be one of the cool kids, even though he had this whole emotional journey and changed a lot during the past year.
“Hit me”, Fig says.
Fabian huffs.
“You’re like. Bi. Right?”, Fabian asks because he doesn’t know how else to start the conversation. Fig blows smoke into the sky and dangles her legs.
“Yeah”, she says, jutting her chin forward.
“Cool. Yeah. So—uh. I guess… me too”, he says. Fig’s mouth becomes an almost perfect o-shape before she punches him in the shoulder with the biggest grin on her face.
“That’s awesome, dude! Fuck yeah! Bi solidarity!”
She holds out a fist for Fabian to bump his against hers and he does, unable to help himself but smile back. He feels almost reckless with it, how his friends react. It’s not like he was scared or anything. Absolutely not.
Well. Maybe a little bit. Even though he has no reason to.
“So… who made you realize?”, Fig wants to know and takes another drag of her cigarette. Fabian immediately starts sweating and scratches the back of his head.
“Uh—okay. You can’t tell anyone. And if you laugh I’ll kick your ass”, Fabian warns and Fig cackles and throws her head back, before crossing her fingers in front of her heart.
“Archdevil’s promise, dude. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. And I’m a really good liar.”
This is true. Fabian clears his throat.
“Alright. Uh—maybe. It’s… um. It was kinda like… Gorgug and Ragh?”
Fig whistles with an impressed expression.
“Both, huh? You got a type”, she says and buffs her shoulder against his. Fabian’s cheek burn.
“Look, they’re just really great guys, right? And like. I went to eat ice-cream with Gorgug to talk about some stuff, right, and then he like… didn’t hug me and Basrar was like ‘the young couple’ or whatever and Gorgug didn’t say anything and I was like. Almost dying? And then also everyone in the locker room is always naked after showering and I didn’t even think about it before but holy shit?”
The words tumble out of him as he gestures around wildly, overwhelmed yet again from all the feelings he’s been carrying around with himself. Fig nods as if she knows exactly what he’s talking about.
“Word”, she says. “Everyone is hot.”
“Everyone is hot!”
“But hey man, congrats, that’s really cool! And Ragh and Gorgug are great guys. Way better than middle-aged men”, she says with a rueful little smile and Fabian snorts. He absolutely agrees.
“Alright but. What do I do now? For some reason this is way harder than just making out with strangers on a random party.”
Fig shrugs.
“Sorry, dude. I suck at feelings. Would love to help you out but I was just really kinda lucky with Ayda because she made the first move. Otherwise I would have probably just died.”
Well, Fabian doesn’t want to die. He also doesn’t want to ruin his friendship to either Ragh or Gorgug. And even if both of them wanted to miraculously kiss Fabian, Fabian might still have to decide between the two of them because while Gorgug said that he was poly, Ragh might not be.
Gods, couldn’t he have just fallen for just one guy on his first try?
“See, the thing is. I feel like Gorgug might be a great guy to ask about this because he’s like. Really good with feelings and stuff, right? But it’s not like I can go there and be like hey my dude. What do I do if I wanna get my kisses in with you and Ragh at the same time.”
Fig chuckles.
“Maybe you should just do that and see what happens. Don’t get me wrong, I would shit my pants but it doesn’t sound bad. It’s Gorgug, right? He’s the nicest person I ever met.”
Fabian sighs and tries not to sound too pathetic, but it doesn’t work and Fig almost falls off the railing laughing and coughing.
“You’ve got it bad!”, she cackles.
“Shut up!”
“Fabian is in loooove”, she sing-songs and Fabian is ready to kill her, but he still can’t help grinning like a madman when he takes her into a headlock to ruffle her hair. All his friends are so fucking awesome.
*
“It’s like, you would be in a sort of like… half-orc sandwich”, Kristen says.
“Kinda hot”, Fig says.
“I hate you guys”, Fabian answers with his head in his hands.
*
If Gorgug doesn’t hug him again soon Fabian might simply turn into a dried husk of a man and die. He still pats him on the shoulder after Bloodrush and when they sit next to each other it’s not like Gorgug purposefully sits far away from Fabian. But there hasn’t been a hug in almost two weeks now and Fabian feels like the most pathetic man alive.
He could just initiate one. Like a mature adult.
But ugh. Fuck.
The first time he did that they just survived the worst thing either of them ever experienced and just walking up to a buddy and hugging him out of nowhere is nothing Fabian has ever done before. But it can’t be that hard, right? Other people do it all the time and it’s not weird. Almost all of his friends do it. He’s surrounded by physically affectionate people.
He’s not a coward.
He’s Fabian Aramais Seacaster. He can initiate a fucking hug.
When he takes Gorgug home after practice and Gorgug sits behind him on the Hangman with his arms wrapped around Fabian’s torso, Fabian almost faints from an impending heart attack. Gorgug’s upper body is pressed against Fabian’s back and they haven’t been this close since they went to Danielle’s party and Fabian figured out his terrible predicament.
He almost wishes the ride could be way longer than it actually is as his motorcycle races through the streets of Elmville.
“Master. I could drive around the block a few times”, the Hangman suggests and Fabian scoffs. He tries to tell the Hangman that that won’t be necessary but it seems like his bike is trying very hard to set Fabian up and takes a way longer route to the Thistlespring Tree than was strictly necessary.
Gorgug’s hands on Fabian’s chest leave burning handprints even through his letterman jacket.
“Thanks for the ride”, Gorgug says with a smile. “I’ll probably get my van fixed in a couple of days.”
“No problem, dude”, Fabian says, his heart hammering like one of Fig’s bass riffs. “Uh—anyway. See you tomorrow.”
Do it now. He should just do it. His heart feels as if it’s trying to explode and when Gorgug is already half turned away and waves at him with a smile with the stupid orange sunlight in his hair Fabian rushes forward and simply goes for it. Gorgug makes a surprised ‘Oof’ sound but there’s no way in hell Fabian could ever move Gorgug against his will.
Gorgug is a brickwall and Fabian’s cheeks feel even hotter now than when he kissed the fire elemental back in Fallinel. There’s a moment between two heartbeats where Fabian is scared that Gorgug just doesn’t want to hug him anymore, but then his arms wrap around Fabian and Fabian is lifted off his feet a little as Gorgug finally hugs him back.
Fabian really likes the way Gorgug smells. Like his apple shampoo from showering earlier and always a little like some sort of machine oil and freshly washed laundry. Fabian probably shouldn’t bury his face in the side of Gorgug’s neck and inhale like a weirdo, or let this hug last way longer than any normal platonic hug might last if you just want to say goodbye to your buddy.
But then again Gorgug doesn’t let him go either.
He let’s out a little sigh and hugs Fabian tighter still before putting him back down. His cheeks are a flaming, dark green and he cards his fingers through his hair nervously as he takes a step back towards the tree he lives in.
Maybe Fabian should just do it. He managed the hug. It was a very good hug. Maybe he could also try a kiss.
“See you tomorrow?”, Gorgug says quietly with the smallest of soft smiles that Fabian has ever seen. Fuck, his heart is ready to burst.
“Yeah. See you”, he rasps and turns around quickly before he makes an even bigger fool of himself.
*
When he finds himself in Ragh’s room three days later Fabian almost forgot about Aelwyn’s insane suggestion and how hot Ragh is, because the whole hugging-Gorgug-situation took up precedent in his mind. Apparently he’s not great at multitasking, which bodes really well for being into two guys at the same time.
“…and then I was like ‘Fuck yeah dude’ and she was like ‘Fuck yeah!’ and then we totally killed that fucker and it was awesome!”
Fabian tunes in back to Ragh’s story who’s explaining what he did on one of his outings with Tracker recently.
“Awesome”, he echoes even though he only heard half of the story. Ragh cocks his head.
“You okay, dude?”, he wants to know. Fabian is almost tired of hearing this question by now. On one hand he’s more okay than he’s been in quite a while. On the other hand this whole emotional baggage he’s dragging around is exhausting for someone who used to prefer to not deal with feelings at all.
“Aelwyn says my kisses suck”, he bursts out of nowhere and Ragh blinks, completely taken aback by Fabian’s sudden outbursts.
“Shit dude, that’s so fucking rude”, he says and shakes his head. “Your kisses are probably fucking great! You’re Fabian Aramais Seacaster! I’m sure your kisses are fucking awesome!”
Fabian stares at Ragh. He thinks about Aelwyn’s words. Thinks about Ragh saying he was ready to make out with Fabian and Gorgug.
Fuck. Fuck everything.
“What if they’re not though? That would be so fucking embarrassing”, Fabian says.
“Hey dude? Don’t doubt yourself!”
“I mean, Aelwyn is kinda like the only person I ever kissed, man”, he says. His heart is beating so fast. This is a terrible idea. Ragh puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head.
“Listen dude. I know you don’t like, swing that way. But I’ll prove it to you right now that your kisses are fucking great”, Ragh says. Fabian stares at him. Ragh stares back.
“Okay”, Fabian says, his voice like sandpaper.
“Okay?”, Ragh echoes, surprised that his offer is being accepted. His cheeks turn dark green and it reminds Fabian of Gorgug. Fuck. He needs to lie down.
“Yeah. You kissed like. Tons of people, right?”, Fabian says and tries to sound nonchalant as Ragh grins triumphantly.
“Yeah, dude. Like. At least fifteen or something”, he says. Fabian really hopes that Aelwyn was lying to him because holy shit, kissing fifteen different people is something Fabian can only dream of.
“Then I guess you’re like. The best man for the job. My number one guy, yet again”, Fabian says and Ragh puffs out his chest a little, making Fabian’s insides turn into fluff again. Why must a huge, meaty guy like Ragh be so fucking endearing? Fabian wants to punch something.
Fabian gets stuck in his thoughts about how fucking soft he’s gotten over the past year when suddenly Ragh is right there and Fabian is startled by the closeness and the warmth of Ragh’s enormous body. His hands are so much bigger than Fabian’s and he’s so much taller, too. He never thought that could excite him, but here he is, already so fucking horny and they haven’t even started kissing yet.
“Alright, dude?”, Ragh asks, his voice surprisingly hoarse when he cups Fabian’s face with one hand and licks his lips. Fabian swallows heavily as he tilts his head up and nods. His body feels as if his skin has gotten too tight for him and he wants to crawl out of it but then he can’t think anymore because Ragh is leaning down and then they’re kissing.
It takes some getting used to Ragh’s tusks but once their lips are slotted together properly Fabian has to pull himself together not to make an embarrassing sound and give into the impulse of just dropping to his knees. Because those feel like pudding and he would definitely rather be sitting down. Maybe in Ragh’s lap.
Holy shit.
Holy fucking shit.
Ragh’s lips moving against his feels even better than scoring a goal in Bloodrush or racing down the highway on his motorcycle. And then Ragh’s tongue is in his mouth and Fabian is ready to pass the fuck out.
Ragh’s big arms wrap around him and hold him up and before he knows what’s happening he’s hoisted up and they land on Ragh’s bed, pressed against each other in a way that feels absolutely awesome. This is more than a kiss to test if Fabian is bad at it—this is a full out make out session he thinks.
His head feels as if it has been filled with clouds, his hands are buried in the front of Ragh’s shirt. The kiss is sloppy and hot and so, so good and Fabian might make a needy sound that’s more embarrassing than anything else he’s ever done in his life but Ragh seems just as into it because he keeps trying to pull Fabian impossibly closer, his big hands roaming over Fabian’s back or pulling slightly on Fabian’s hair which makes him almost pass out with how good it feels.
Fuck.
When they pull back they’re both breathless and flushed and Fabian can only imagine that his eyes look just as glassy as Ragh’s.
“Uh—“, he rasps.
“Yeah—uh. Definitely… definitely good. Yeah”, Ragh mumbles and licks his lips.
“You sure?”, Fabian asks, feeling reckless.
“You want me to test it again?”, Ragh asks, his eyes burning and his pupils blown wide.
“Yeah. Yeah let’s test it again.”
Fabian has never made out with anyone for what feels like a solid hour. Neither of them seems eager to stop kissing and fuck, this shit is addictive.
He’s almost ready to just go for it and see if Ragh maybe wants to take his v-card right here and now, but in the end the tiny piece of rational thought he has left thinks that maybe he wants to be straight—ha!—with Ragh about his feelings before that happens. Otherwise, he would feel like he’d be using Ragh somehow.
When they separate it’s already dark outside and Fabian’s lips feel swollen from all the kisses. Every muscle is taut with desire and he definitely needs to take a very long shower once he’s home. Ragh looks at him through the darkness.
“So—uh. That happened”, Ragh says and scratches his chin.
“Uh—yeah. I’m… um. I’m bi.“
Ragh blinks and then barks out a laugh.
“Yeah, no shit, dude. We just like, totally made out for an hour”, he says and ruffles Fabian’s hair. Fabian huffs and punches Ragh in the chest.
“That’s awesome, dude. Hoot Growl”, Ragh says with a wide grin. Fabian thinks how that’s exactly what Gorgug said to him and his heart swells to triple its size in his chest.
“Hoot Growl”, Fabian says and has to laugh about himself and how badly he handled this whole thing. “Damn. Kissing is fucking great.”
Ragh pumps his fist in the air and hollers.
“Fuck yeah it is!”
Fabian feels wrapped in a bubble of happiness for a whole thirty seconds until he remembers that Ragh has feelings for Gorgug and this was just a thing between good friends and also if Ragh gets with Gorgug then Fabian is probably going to die because he’ll have to watch them kiss and hold hands and stuff.
“Uh—anyway. Yeah. I should probably get going. Gotta make sure that Gilear didn’t burn the house down or something”, Fabian says and gets off the bed, adjusting his pants a little awkwardly.
“Hey, you should totally come to our GSA meeting next week, dude! It’ll be totally awesome!”
Fabian pulls his shoulders up, unsure if he’s ready for that quite yet. He hasn’t even talked to Adaine and The Ball yet.
“Uh—I’ll get back to you on that”, he says vaguely and waves awkwardly before fleeing Ragh’s room.
*
Fabian does not, in fact, go the GSA meeting.
Instead, he skips school for three full days and hides in his room panicking about his life choices and when Cathilda comes in to offer him Kippers and some hot cocoa he almost starts crying with how fucking overwhelmed he is by everything. He probably shouldn’t ignore texts from Ragh and Gorgug while still answering the rest of his friends because that will totally give him away, but he doesn’t want The Ball breaking down his door because Fabian didn’t talk to anyone for a few days.
He doesn’t even manage to tell Cathilda what his problem is because it’s just too fucking embarrassing. Seeing her face pull into a soft smile because she thinks he’s so adorable with his teen drama would probably kill him right there.
Of course Cathilda is Cathilda and she doesn’t pry while keeping a frequent stream of snacks and drinks coming to his room while he hides in his bed and tries not to think about kissing Ragh or hugging Gorgug for hours on end.
Being in love sucks ass.
Did Fabian always kinda want to fall in love? Yes. Did he think he was totally in love with Aelwyn? Yes. Was he? No. And is this now the worst thing—or well, maybe the fourth worst thing—that’s ever happened to him in his entire life? Also yes.
Ugh.
On day three Cathilda lets Adaine and Riz into his room despite Fabian’s protests.
“I brought you all the homework from bard class”, Adaine says and drops a bunch of papers on his desk. As if Fabian would ever do his homework. The gesture still makes him smile because it’s Adaine’s way of showing that she cares. “So… what’s up, Fabian?”
“Yeah, man. What’s going on?”, Riz wants to know. His eyes dart around in Fabian’s room as if he can see the source of Fabian’s distress lying around here somewhere.
“It’s nothing”, Fabian says glumly.
“Dude, you haven’t been in school for three days and everyone is acting really weird”, Adaine says and sits down on the side of his bed. Riz throws himself into Fabian’s office chair behind his desk and starts fiddling around with a little ship figurine.
Fabian wants to tell him that this thing probably cost more than Riz’ entire apartment but he swallows his words, remembering how Adaine once said that Fabian being rich is the least cool thing about him.
“Who’s acting weird?”, Fabian wants to know.
“Everyone. Well. Everyone except for us”, Riz says and points to Adaine and himself. “Which means that everyone knows something that we don’t.”
Fabian feels a little guilty for not having talked to The Ball and Adaine about this before, but there simply was too much going on and he has so much stuff to do just being in his own head. Never mind the fact that both Adaine and The Ball think that being horny or having feelings or whatever sucks and is kinda annoying.
“Uh”, he starts, his mind racing. “Like. Weird how?”
If he asks about Gorgug specifically they’ll know. If he asks if they’ve seen Ragh—which at least Adaine probably has because she lives with him—then they’ll know. These two are so fucking smart. Another thought that crosses his mind is how thankful he is that neither Gorgug nor Kristen or Fig spilled the beans about what they know about Fabian.
Fuck, he loves his stupid friends so much.
“Like Kristen looks as if she’s going to explode soon if she can’t tell anyone and Fig keeps making up weird lies about Gilear and Gorgug is so fucking sad? I hate it when he’s sad”, Riz says and huffs, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking so dejected that Fabian immediately feels even more guilty.
“We’re not judging”, Adaine says softly. “We just want to know if we can help at all. We don’t want you to feel bad all alone.”
Fabian swallows heavily and his eye moves back and forth between Adaine and Riz and finally the words start falling out of him. Once he starts he can’t seem to stop but because everything is too fucking embarrassing he presses a pillow onto his face while he speaks.
“Okay so. This is really dumb, right, and I only didn’t tell you guys about it so far because you keep rolling your eyes about people being too horny or whatever and like, because feelings are fucking dumb and stuff but like. So it’s kinda all Aelwyn’s fault because she said I should go make out with Ragh because I’m not good at kissing which is not true by the way, Ragh says my kisses are awesome. So like. I kissed Ragh or whatever, but before that we were on a party and I drank this weird magical booze and it turned me and Ragh and Gorgug purple because apparently it turns you into a color based on your emotions or something. And Gorgug broke up with Zelda and then Ragh told me he has a crush on Gorgug and then I kinda—I don’t know! I guess I also. Maybe? Probably. Have a crush. On Gorgug and Ragh. At the same time. And Ragh and I kissed but it was just like, for practice, right? Because he likes Gorgug. And Gorgug likes a guy but I don’t know who and I shouldn’t even say that because that is like. Outing him or whatever? And also I’m apparently bi now.”
Once he’s done he takes a deep breath and pokes his head out from under his pillow to see whether or not Riz has already climbed out the window or Adaine is hiding under his bed with her hands on her ears. Fabian sees them exchange a look that he can’t really interpret but he’s relieved to see that his story hasn’t caused any gagging. In this moment it occurs to him that he was scared to tell these two in particular, maybe because they’re both so disinterested in romance and sex.
And as much as Fabian tries to not give a shit about what other people think about him, his friends mean the world to him and if they judged him for something like this he would probably be devastated. Which no one ever has to know, of course. He’ll take that to the grave with him because that is too much emotional vulnerability even for this new version of him.
“Damn”, Adaine says finally. “That’s a lot of stuff.”
“Certainly explains a lot of things”, Riz says and taps his chin. Fabian can see his brain moving and almost expects The Ball to get up and start a new conspiracy board about Fabian’s weird feelings. “D’you like. Want us to investigate?”
Fabian blinks.
“Investigate? What? Me?”, he asks.
“No, like. Everything. I dunno. Find out who Gorgug likes and why he’s sad. Ask about that magical alcohol. Follow Ragh and see what he does”, Riz starts before he stops himself and sighs. “No, probably not. Friends are not riddles.”
He clears his throat looks sheepish.
“Sorry, man. I guess… Uh. Sorry you thought you couldn’t tell us.”
“Yeah. I didn’t want you to feel like I would judge you. We think you’re awesome no matter how many people you have a crush on”, Adaine says softly and Riz nods along. His friends need to stop being so gentle with him or else Fabian might combust from feeling too much love for too many people.
“Thanks guys”, Fabian says and his voice sounds way too wobbly for his own liking so he stays under his pillow just to be sure that he won’t do something terribly embarrassing and cry about how much he fucking loves his friends and how overwhelming everything feels right now.
After two minutes of hiding under his pillow he finally comes back out and sits up, sighing heavily.
“And like. You guys don’t know why Gorgug is sad?”, Fabian wants to know, his cheeks hot as he tries to make it sound as nonchalantly as possible even though Adaine and Riz know exactly what’s going on with him.
Riz shrugs.
“He didn’t wanna say and we kinda just assumed that it was because of Zelda, you know.”
Fabian nods.
“I mean. Yeah. Yeah, it’s probably because of that, right?”
Adaine cocks her head from left to right.
“I don’t know, they seem pretty good actually. They still hang out during breaks and listen to music together and they went home together yesterday, too.”
Fabian is not jealous. He’s not. Yes, he also wants to listen to music with Gorgug and go home with him and hug him some more, but like. It’s fine. And Gorgug said that he and Zelda are still good friends.
“Okay but. She’s with Sam now, right?”, he asks.
“Yup. Definitely. Saw them holding hands and everything”, Riz says.
Fabian was never really excited about holding hands with someone but as his mind involuntarily jumps to a mental image in which he gets to hold both Ragh’s and Gorgug’s hand at the same time his heart skips a beat and then starts again at double the speed. Gods, this is ridiculous. Just from thinking about holding fucking hands.
He can’t even ask The Ball or Adaine if that’s normal or if he’s going insane because these two probably never think about holding anyone’s hand. Fabian is jealous.
“So… are you coming back to school?”, Adaine wants to know. Fabian grumbles.
“What if I just buy a ship and become a pirate instead”, he mumbles and The Ball chuckles.
“Seems a little extreme”, he says but he says it with a fond smile.
Fabian can’t help but smile back.
“I’m an extreme guy”, he says which makes The Ball laugh. Now that all his friends now everything seems a little bit lighter. Riz and Adaine didn’t roll their eyes at him or called him too emotional or overdramatic or anything else that would’ve hurt his feelings.
“Okay but like. What do I do now? And like. I get it, you’re not into that kind of stuff but you’re smart as fuck”, Fabian says and both Adaine and Riz look incredibly pleased. Cathilda brings them a whole try full of cookies and chocolate milk and The Ball eats almost all of them by himself while they try to figure out what the best possible plan is for Fabian to get his life back in order.
“Maybe we need to get the others in here too”, Riz says, his brow furrowed while he studies a makeshift conspiracy board he made by using one of Fabian’s blankets and a bunch of pegs he asked Cathilda for.
“No offense but I feel like Fig would probably suggest that Fabian should turn into Ragh or Gorgug or someone else and lie his way through this whole thing and Kristen will just say something about sixty-nine”, Adaine says and The Ball shudders at the thought of the horny number while Fabian tries his best to force his mind away from lewd pictures entering his brain while he hangs out with his non-horny friends.
“Or worse. She would say to go talk to them”, The Ball says.
Fabian agrees that this is probably what Kristen would say because she has gotten way better at communicating with Tracker since they went long distance—as diagnosed by Jawbone, because fuck if Fabian can tell—and talking to the other person is always her first suggestion for everything. Fabian thinks he would rather walk through the Forest of the Nightmare King again before talking to Gorgug or Ragh about his feelings.
Adaine snorts.
“I mean. That is the most sensible option, but I feel like Fabian doesn’t want to do that.”
“Absolutely not.”
Silence falls in the room while The Ball nibbles on the last cookie and Adaine studies the conspiracy board that includes pictures of both Ragh and Gorgug, various shoelaces used instead of red string and a very bad drawing of Fabian, Ragh and Gorgug all holding hands done by Riz and pinned into the center of the blanket.
Gods, Fabian wants it so bad.
“So I could like. Probably, totally find out who Gorgug is into. But also. I think that would be invading his privacy”, The Ball says and Adaine nods.
“And also. What if it’s like. I dunno. Someone really cool? Or someone really terrible? Or what if it’s Ragh and they start like kissing and stuff and I die?”
Adaine tries her best to conceal a snort but fails miserably.
“Okay but I think Ragh and Gorgug would make a really cute couple”, she says and Fabian groans, covering his face with both hands as his mind drifts off to the two objects of his affections. Just thinking about how Gorgug was Ragh’s first kiss makes him go a little insane. Then he remembers an important clue—or at least that’s what The Ball would call it—and perks up.
“Gorgug didn’t hug me”, he says. Confused faces turn towards him and Fabian clears his throat.
“Like. He usually hugs me to say Hi and stuff, right? But then after the party where we all turned purple he didn’t hug me anymore for like. Two weeks. And then I hugged him and he was fine with it so I dunno why he stopped”, Fabian says. “Is that like. A clue?”
The Ball nods and adds another little notecard to the blanket.
“Everything’s a clue”, he says. Fabian knows that his mind is in shambles but he’s also kinda really glad that his mind isn’t like Riz’ because then he would probably spiral even harder than he already does. No one spirals like The Ball.
“Huh”, Adaine says, staring at their latest addition.
“What?”, Fabian asks.
“What if he likes you?”, Adaine says and even though there’s no proof of that Fabian’s heart jumps at the mere suggestion.
“But if he likes me why would he stop hugging me?”, Fabian complains, feeling much like a grumpy toddler.
“I don’t know. Or! What if you did something really bad at the party that you don’t remember?”, Adaine says and Fabian’s momentary high turns into a pit of dread in his stomach. Fuck. What if he did something really terrible during the party and both Ragh and Gorgug are just too nice to tell him? Shit.
“But he seemed normal otherwise. It was just the hugging”, Fabian says, desperate to discard this theory.
“Okay, what if you ask Ragh about what you might have done at the party that stopped Gorgug from hugging you”, Adaine suggests. It doesn’t seem as impossible as talking about his literal feelings so Fabian nods.
“Yeah. Yeah okay. I can do that. Probably”, Fabian says and thinks about the last time when he was alone with Ragh. Fuck.
*
Fabian, as it turns out, cannot do that because instead he ends up making out with Ragh again the second Ragh’s door closes behind them. They don’t even say anything, there’s just a sort of heated look and then before Fabian can even clear his throat and say anything they’re attached to each other’s mouths and fuck.
His brain is immediately empty and he forgets everything he wanted to say.
Holy shit, making out is so much better than dragon spice.
Fabian always kind of pictured himself with a pretty girl sitting in his lap but it turns out now he’s the one sitting in someone’s lap while they make out, his arms wrapped around Ragh’s neck while Ragh’s hands roam over his naked back under his tank top. He doesn’t register sounds coming from outside the hallway because he’s too busy sucking on Ragh’s lower lip.
That is until the door is slammed open and Aelwyn’s voice says “Oops” and Fabian almost falls out of Ragh’s lap as his head swivels around to face the door.
Aelwyn stands there with her crutches which she obviously used to open Ragh’s door. Her face doesn’t look nearly as sheepish as it maybe should do after crashing in on them like this. But more importantly, right behind Aelwyn there is a very tall, very wide eyed looking someone who is dark green in the face and pulls at the strings of his hoodie so tightly that Fabian thinks they’ll snap at any second.
“Well. I was right about Ragh being in his room, I guess. Have fun guys”, Aelwyn says and walks off, leaving Gorgug standing in the open doorway as he stares at Ragh and Fabian and Fabian and Ragh stare back at him.
“Uh—“, Ragh starts.
“I—“, Gorgug says at the same time. “I just wanted to—well. Never mind. I’ll just. Um—sorry. Bye!”
Fabian is too dumbfounded to stop Gorgug but he manages to climb off of Ragh’s lap and ends up standing in the middle of the room, staring at the open door where Gorgug just was.
“Fuck”, Ragh says.
“Uh—sorry?”, Fabian says, unsure what even happened and why it happened and why Aelwyn is the reason for his life going downhill.
“What even just happened?”, Ragh asks. His face is still flushed from kissing Fabian—which makes him feel very pleased with himself—but his eyes are glued to the empty doorway. Because Ragh has a crush on Gorgug. And now Gorgug thinks that Ragh is with Fabian. Maybe. That’s probably bad, right? Gods, Fabian has no idea.
“I have no idea”, Fabian says.
Ragh growls.
“Think I might have to have a talk with Aelwyn”, Ragh says and the red flash in his eyes reminds Fabian of that time when they went to a party and Riz, Fabian and Gorgug tried to set him up with Corey.
Fabian probably shouldn’t find it hot when Ragh gets mad and he really doesn’t want Ragh to be mad at him so he keeps his horny thoughts to himself and instead tries to focus on the rational part of his brain. It doesn’t really work.
“I—uh. Maybe I’ll just go check on Gorgug?”, Fabian says weakly even though his legs feel like pudding and his eyepatch seems unable to keep the fear at bay when it comes to facing a potentially emotional conversation. Not that he has any idea what kinds of emotions are going to be relevant. Technically nothing bad happened. Well, it was super fucking embarrassing but not because they did anything wrong.
Gorgug already knows that Ragh is gay and Fabian is bi and maybe he doesn’t even have any emotions about this and it was just super awkward. That would make sense.
“Uh—Yeah. Sure. Good luck, dude”, Ragh says and looks at him in a way that Fabian can’t even begin to interpret so he doesn’t try and instead does what he’s good at: running. Fabian certainly hopes that Gorgug hasn’t also been running at full speed because holy fuck that guy can run so much faster than Fabian with his endlessly long legs.
But it turns out that Gorgug didn’t go far. Fabian almost runs past him in an alleyway where Gorgug just sits on a low, moss covered wall, looking down at his crystal. He has his headphones on and even from this distance Fabian can hear the raging metal coming out of them. Fabian’s heart feels ready to burst out of his chest as he approaches. There’s no way for him to tell what Gorgug is feeling or thinking and he almost wishes Adaine was here to cast detect thoughts on him so Fabian would know what to expect.
When he finally stands in front of Gorgug, Gorgug looks up and startles at the sight of him, hastily taking off his headphones before stuffing his crystal into his pocket.
“Oh, hey, Fabian”, he says, his cheeks dark green. “Sorry for that, I didn’t know—uh. Aelwyn said Ragh was in his room and I thought he was going to be alone in there…”
He trails off and scratches the back of his head, obviously embarrassed.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I mean—uh. Is it fine? Are you fine?”
Wow, he is bad at this.
Gorgug blinks.
“Uh—yeah. I—sure. It’s fine”, he says with a half smile. Then he sighs.
“Okay, I’m sorry. It’s not fine, I guess. And I didn’t want to say anything because—uh. Our friendship is really important to me”, Gorgug continues and Fabian’s heart now falls into his pants. Oh gods. Oh no.
Gorgug wrings his hands in his lap.
“So—uh. I kinda… I didn’t wanna bring this up. But uh—so. It’s… remember when we turned purple?”
Fabian nods.
“Yeah, so. What I’m trying to say is—uh. I just—I guess I talked to Ragh. And he asked me about why I turned purple. And I told him that I—uh.”
Gorgug huffs and cards his hands through his hair before standing up to start pacing around in front of Fabian and man, Fabian also wants to pace but he’s glues to the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets like some sort of fucked up statue with a heart disease.
“I told him that I like you.”
Fabian’s eyes widen. Holy fuck.
“And I know that’s probably really weird and I’m sorry and I was just—it’s really complicated I guess? Because you told me that you like Ragh. And then also—“
Fabian should probably let Gorgug speak. He should. Because this is an emotional moment but Fabian has always been better at acting than he is at talking about his fucking feelings so he throws himself at Gorgug and kisses him square on the mouth. Thanks to Ragh—oh gods, he was kissing Ragh just ten minutes ago—Fabian now knows how to kiss someone with tusks.
Gorgug makes a surprised sound but he instinctively catches Fabian—of course he does. He always does and always has—and finally he’s in Gorgug’s arms again and kissing him is different from kissing Ragh but it’s just as good. Softer, gentler. Fuck, his heart is going to explode.
Gorgug holds him so tight that Fabian feels like he’s going to dissolve with how soft and loved that makes him feel. Being in love is absolutely insane. Why do people even do drugs if you can also just have the same effects from hugging someone.
When Gorgug pulls back and puts him back down Fabian wants to protest but he’s distracted by Gorgug looking off to the right from where Fabian came and Fabian follows his gaze.
Ah.
“This is so awkward”, Ragh says with wide eyes and his mouth slightly open.
“What is even happening”, Gorgug says and Fabian feels that so hard. He looks between Ragh and Gorgug and thinks about how Gorgug said he likes him and how Fabian knows that Ragh likes Gorgug and how Fabian still kissed him which probably makes him a really bad friend and how Ragh kissed Fabian despite knowing that Gorgug likes Fabian and—
“Okay, fuck, shit”, Fabian curses and rubs at his face as if that could somehow stop his heart from hammering. “Alright, alright, everyone else was right and I should have just talked to people but I suck at talking!”
Both Ragh and Gorgug stare at him.
“Listen. If anyone laughs about me Imma kick your ass! So like. When I turned purple and I was super fucking drunk I had like a whole thing going on and it sucked and I thought okay, so I’m bi and my two friends are really hot and then I got like. Over it or whatever and I came out to everyone and it was fine but like. Gorgug didn’t wanna hug me anymore and I somehow ended up making out with Ragh and it all would’ve been fine if I could just crush on one person but it had to be two of you at the same time and I just wanna kiss both of you and if you make me decide I’ll probably just become a pirate and leave the country.”
He’s breathing hard and this must be the worst confession of all time but fuck. At this point he’s beyond caring. This must be why people just talk about their feelings instead of hiding under blankets for three days because then you don’t have to live through being walked in on two times in a row by both of your crushes.
The others are never going to let him live this down.
“I just didn’t hug you anymore because Ragh said he likes you and I didn’t wanna make him sad”, Gorgug says.
“Huh?”, Fabian says.
Ragh groans.
“Ragh told me that he likes you”, Fabian says and points at Gorgug. Gorgug’s eyes become even bigger.
“Wait”, Gorgug says. “Does everyone just like everyone?”
“I mean. I don’t know dude, I just thought you’re into Fabian and then I felt really bad for making out with him even though he was just like. This is for practice haha”, Ragh says and Fabian wants to burrow into the ground and die.
“Well, I like you too”, Gorgug says, waving over at Ragh. “I just kinda thought you two maybe like each other now and that’s it.”
“Are you saying we all turned purple for each other, dude?”, Ragh says, his eyes round like dinner plates. “Am I finally getting my three-way Owlbear MVP makeout sesh?”
“Oh my god”, Fabian breathes.
“Wait. Are we doing this? Is this happening?”, Gorgug asks.
“Fuck yes, dude! It’s happening! Let’s make it happen, baby! Hoot Growl!”
Ragh only needs a few steps before he reaches the two of them and crushes them in a hug. Fabian finds himself sandwiched between the two of them and when Gorgug and Ragh kiss it’s somehow just as great as if he were kissing them. Maybe he’s staring a little. Maybe a lot. Because this is definitely hot. Holy shit.
“Hoot Growl”, he says like an idiot and Ragh snorts into the kiss and Gorgug laughs. They’re still hugging.
“Fuck yeah, dudes! Purple is my new favorite color!”, Ragh exclaims and pumps his fist into the air. Fabian grabs one of Ragh’s and one of Gorgug’s hands and looks down, smiling like a love-stricken idiot. Maybe he has to agree. Maybe purple is his favorite, too.