Work Text:
This is a story about a man named Stanley, and today he will slay a princess.
Slaying princesses is not normally part of Stanley's job. Stanley's job is to push buttons. He sits at his desk in Room 427 and he pushes buttons on a keyboard. Orders comes to him through a monitor on his desk telling him what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order.
This is what Employee #427 does every day of every month of every year, and although others may have considered it soul rending, Stanley relishes every moment that the orders comes in, as though he has been made exactly for this job.
And Stanley is happy.
And then one day, something very peculiar happens. Something that would forever change Stanley; Something he would never quite forget.
The monitor on his desk does not tell him to push a button. It does not tell him to push the 'space' button or the 'eight' button or even the 'enter' button (Stanley is extra fond of that button).
The monitor on his desk tells him to slay a princess.
Stanley has never been told to slay a princess before.
Stanley has never been told to slay anyone before.
Stanley is not sure if it is part of his job description to slay a princess.
Stanley's job is to push buttons, not slay princesses.
It is with head swimming and throat drying up that Stanley realises what this must mean.
Stanley has received a promotion.
Full of pride, Stanley leaves Room 427 to find his boss and ask all about what the new promotion entails.
The path to his boss' office leads through the woods. At the end of that path is a fork of the road where the left path leads to his boss' office and the right path leads to a cabin. And in the basement of that cabin is a princess.
Stanley is here to slay her. If he doesn't, it's the end of the world.
Stanley comes to the fork in the path. To repeat: it is the path to the left that leads to his boss' office.
Stanley walks down the path to the right.
This is the wrong way to his boss' office, and Stanley knows it.
Perhaps Stanley wants to visit the old cabin on the hill first. I mean, who wouldn't?
But if he doesn't want to visit a dreary old cabin on a steep hill, but would rather sit in his boss luxurious office, drink water cooler water and read the spreadsheets on the wall, then there is a door just to the left that will let Stanley return to...
Stanley walks up to the cabin.
The interior of the cabin is almost entirely bare. The air is stale and musty and the floor and walls are painted in a thin layer of dust. The only furniture of note is a plain wooden table. Perched on that table is a pristine blade.
Stanley can pick it up, to have an implement to slay the princess with; or he can leave it be, and face the princess without a weapon, foolish as that would be.
Stanley is just about to enter the door to the basement, but he hasn't picked up the pristine blade. Perhaps Stanley hasn't fully understood that he will need an implement to slay the prince...
Stanley enters the door to the basement without picking up the pristine blade.
Confronting the princess without a weapon is foolish, but at least Stanley can not complain about not having been warned.
The door to the staircase creaks open, revealing a staircase faintly illuminated by an unseen light in the room below. Stanley thinks this is an oppressive place. The air feels heavy and damp, a hint of rot filtering from the ancient wood. If the princess really lives here, slaying her will probably be doing her a favour.
"Hell-o?" comes her voice from below the staircase.
"Hi," Stanley answers.
"It's been so long since anyone came visiting me," the voice says. "I was starting to think they'd forgotten about me."
Stanley walks down the stairs and locks eyes with the princess. There is a heavy chain around her wrist, binding her to the wall of the basement.
"Are you here to save me?" she hopefully says.
Stanley hesitates.
He is not here to save the princess. In fact, he is here to slay the princess - his monitor has clearly said so. The company expects him to - counts on him to - slay the princess. And even if Stanley has not had been able to confirm the specifics with his boss, he is sure there are fiscally very important reasons for why the princess has to die. Why - perhaps the entire quarterly pre-budget talks hings on it.
Can Stanley have the quarterly pre-budget talks on his conciseness?
On the other hand, the princess looks frail and vulnerable. It is hard to see what sort of damage she can do to anyone - least of all the world - chained up down here. Surely, it can't hurt to just talk with her before slaying her - if Stanley so should choose.
Of course - SHOULD he choose to slay the princess, it will be hard to do so without his implement. I'm sure Stanley regrets now that he didn't bring the blade. If only someone had TOLD HIM that it was important. But what is done is done. It's too late for regrets now.
It is time. It is time for Stanley to make a stand for what he believes in!
Does Stanley think of the frail beauty of the princess chained up in the basement, and the cruel circumstance she has to suffer, to have her death proclaimed from a monitor and carried out by a faceless corporate drone?
Does he think of his staunch anti-monarchist creed?
Does Stanley think of his boss, how devastated he would be, were Stanley to fail his important task of slaying the princess? Has Stanley thought of that?
But either way, Stanley now has to make a choice. Slay the princess or save the princess. This is not the time for dithering.
"If you want to save me," the princess says, apparently getting wise to the fact that if there is any conversation to be had, she will have to lead it, "then perhaps you could help me get out of these chains."
Stanley, fool that he is, steps up to her, not in order to plunge a blade in her chest as per his orders, but to examine the heavy chain. The lock is old and rusty. Stanley tries his key-card, but the little 'blip' that normally follows when he presses it against a card reader fails to manifest itself, and the lock fails to open.
"Oh... well it was worth a try," the princess says, which - polite as it might be - is not strictly true. It was a stupid idea that was not worth entertaining for even a moment, let alone trying out. Besides, Stanley has no business freeing princesses. His business is slaying princesses (and pushing buttons, should that become relevant).
"If you had a blade..." the princess hesitantly says, "then perhaps you could...."
Yes! If Stanley had a blade, then perhaps he could slay her, that's what's the princess is going to say. Even she sees that the threat she represent needs to be destroyed, once and for all.
"...cut me free," she finishes.
Oh, yeah. Or that, I suppose.
Fortunately, despite Stanley neglecting to bring the blade, it appears, as if tossed down the stairs. Now, that's a piece of luck.
"Oh, there is a blade," the princess says, eyeing Stanley uncertainly, as if trying to gauge his intentions. "That's... lucky."
But the princess is wrong. The blade is not lucky, not for her at least, because it is the implement by which she will be slayed and thereby prevented from destroying the world. So by extension, it IS lucky for everyone else - including Stanley. Including his career path in the company and including the pre-quarterly budget talks. Surely Stanley sees that and picks up the blade, right?
I said, surely Stanley picks up the blade, right?
*Sigh." Ignoring the blade, Stanley keeps standing awkwardly and gawking at the princes. At least say something, Stanley. Give her a hint of your intentions. Or give me a hint for that matter.
Ah, splendid, Stanley. He now starts to regale her with work stories. Bravo. I'm sure that's exactly what a noble maiden, imprisoned and awaiting death in the form of an inept office drone with a knife wants to hear. Why don't you tell her about the time you were out of ink for the copying machine and had to change the cartridge... oh, Stanley DOES in fact tell the princess the story of when he was out of ink for the copying machine. Thank you for that Stanley, I'm sure we all feel a bit better now.
The princess, slightly confused, ask if she might sometimes follow Stanley back to the office, but you know that she can't, Stanley. You know that only authorised personnel is allowed in the office building, per company code. You wouldn't dare break company code, now would you, Stanley? Think of how it would look in your pre-quarterly employee evaluation, Stanley. You can't risk your pre-quarterly employee evaluation, can you? Not for a potentially apocalyptic princess who doesn't even have clearance to leave the basement.
That's right. With the thoughts of his financial future firmly in mind, Stanley finally starts to take his assignment seriously. He asks the princess of her intentions for the world, were he to let her out of the basement. Careful there, Stanley. She will lie and cheat and use any sort of dirty trick to get out of her predicament. You can't trust her.
As expected, the princess gives a noncommittal answer which Stanley, of course, eats up. But then she casually suggests he uses the blade to cut off her arm, and suddenly he is worried again. What a horrible suggestion. How could such a fair creature ask something so gruesome of him. Is she even human at all?
No, Stanley. She is not human. She is not even an employee. And if you let her out of this basement, the pre-quarterly budget talks are doomed. Slay her Stanley, plunge the knife into her chest and rid the world of the danger she poses.
The princess, sensing his apprehension, becomes more guarded. Her words more threatening. Is he not to cut her lose, she says, he'd better slay her - yes, finally something I and the princess can agree on. And if he is to attempt that, he better be sure that he gets her with the first strike. Alas, it seems me and the princess can agree on the probability of that happening as well.
Either way, Stanley. This is it. The moment of triumph - or of doom. And it all rests on your decision. Slay the princess - or save her. There is no middle ground. No third option. No delaying any longer, no matter how eager you seem to be to waste everyone's time with trivialities.. You have to make a choice, Stanley. Choose! Duty or misplaced morality. Bureaucratic orders or your own inflated sense of resourcefulness. Choose. Choose between the unconfirmed but very real threat the princess poses, were she free, and the atrocities demanded from you by a faceless corporation that will never appreciate your full value or treat you as anything but a replaceable cog in a machine that never have and never will care about neither you nor the princess. Choose. The facts as they are, are laid bare before you. The risk, such as you understand them, are yours to balance. So, choose, Stanley, take your blade and use it to either slay the princess - or to save... say, where is the blade?
Stanley? Can you see the blade?
It was on the floor just a moment ago.
Stanley furrows his brow and looks everywhere in the small basement, but there is no blade to be seen.
Princess? I don't suppose you...? No.
We all saw the blade, just a moment ago. It was right there, on the stone floor. We can all agree on that, right?
Who touched it last? It can't have been the princess. Her chains don't even reach that far. It must have been you, Stanley. Did you do something with the blade, Stanley?
I can't believe it! You lost the blade. This was supposed to be a clear choice. Slay the princess, or save her. Now you can't do neither. I hope you are happy with yourself, Stanley.
Oh, now the princess wants to gnaw off her arm. Don't bother, sweetie. It was supposed to be HIS choice to save you. If you just save yourself, what's even the point of having him here? Yeah, I went there, Stanley. What is even the point of having you here unless you do as you are supposed to and MAKE A CHOICE? You can still choose. Slay her or save her. You can... I don't know, strangle her with your necktie I suppose. Don't look at me like that. You were the one who lost the blade. The mechanism matter less anyway. The intent is more important. The choice. So choose, Stanley. Choose! Do you slay the princess, or do you...? Hey, where is Stanley? He was here just a minute ago? Did you see where he went, princess?
The dreary basement is empty, except for the princess in her chains, Stanley having apparently wandered off somewhere, completely ignoring the choice he had to make and everything that hinged on it.
Did he... glitch? Did he find himself somewhere else? Where? HOW?
I'm so sorry, your majesty, but it seems like Stanley is in no position to slay you any longer. Or save you I suppose. Stanley? Come back here this instance. No, he is gone. Sorry, he does that sometimes. Dreadfully embarrassing. I don't suppose you want to wait for him to come back? No?
Well, that's embarrassing. Now what are we supposed to do. I can hardly narrate to an empty room, can I? And it would be a dull story indeed if you were to sit chained up the entire story without anything happening?
I... I suppose we could take this in another direction, if you are willing?
Great. Let's do that. Who needs Stanley anyway.
*Deep breath*
This is a story about a princess.
The princess spends her days, chained up in a basement, and that is all there is to it. This is what the princess does every day of every month of every year, and although others may consider it soul rending, the princess finds it somewhat restful, as if she has been made exactly for this job.
And then one day, something very peculiar happens. Something that will forever change the princess; Something she will never quite forget.
A small plink is heard, and when the princess looks up, there is a small key on the basement floor, just by her feet.
Curiously, the princess looks around. But no one else seems to be in her basement.
"Hello, is someone there?" she asks, but is met with no response.
The princess picks up the key. It is pristine, completely free from rust and scratches, but despite that obviously a perfect fit for her rusty chains.
With beating heart she tries the key, and the shackles fall off her.
The princess stands up and stretches. It feels good to be free from the chains after all that time.
Cautiously, one step at the time, the princess leaves the basement and walks up the stairs.
The interior of the cabin is almost entirely bare. The air is stale and musty and the floor and walls are painted in a thin layer of dust. The only furniture of note is a plain wooden table. The princess puts the key on the table and walks out through the door. She follows the path down the hill, through the woods and in through the door to an office building.
The princess walks on, through brightly lit, unremarkably furnished corridors until she happens upon a set of two open doors. She can walk through either the door to the right or the door to the left.
The princess hesitates. She is not used to be given a choice. She is much more used to react to the choice of others. So now when she is given that choice, she wants to take her time to relish it.
She could choose the right door, which would take her to the meeting room. Or she could take the left door, which would take her to the Employee Lounge.
The princess decides to go to the Employee Lounge.
The Employee Lounge is sublime.
Not long after, the princess walks into Room 427. In room 427 there is a desk and a keyboard and a monitor. The princess sits down by the desk. The monitor tells her to press the 'space' button, so she presses the 'space button.
Then the monitor tells her to press the 'eight' button. The princess presses the 'eight' button.
'Eight', says the loudspeaker. The princess giggles. She presses the 'eight' button again.
Then the monitor says that she is to press either the 'A' button or the 'left arrow' button. The princess ponders this for a long minute.
A choice.
The princess likes to make choices.
And so, for every button the princess pushes, the monitor gives her a new suggestion. Sometimes it tells her to press a specific button. Sometimes it gives her a choice between two or even three buttons. Every time that happens, she carefully considers her options before pushing.
The princess sits at her desk in Room 427 and she pushes buttons on the keyboard. Orders come to her through a monitor on her desk telling her what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order.
This is what the princess does every day of every month of every year, and although others may consider it soul rending, the princess relishes every moment that the orders come in, as though she has been made exactly for this job.
And the princess is happy.