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___
kel doesn't know when it all started.
mari had hung herself just last year. his brother hasn't left his bed. sunny hasn't left his house. basil doesn't talk to him anymore.
aubrey… she's become cruel. not cruel in the sense that she is a different person, but rather that she is lashing out. kel knows this.
he still wishes she didn't hit him.
at the same time, he's almost oddly glad that he can be a way for aubrey to vent. he knows her home life isn't great. he knows that she feels as if the world is out to get her.
sometimes kel also feels that the world is out to get him.
___
going to school is tough. it feels like everyday he rolls out of bed a minute later, and everyday it's becoming harder and harder to convince himself to go. once he's there it's okay, but the process of getting up is difficult.
everyday he rolls out of bed and sees hero laying there, unmoving.
he waits to see the rise of his chest to make sure he's still breathing before he can begin his day.
___
it used to just be insults, snide comments here and there that he could take. aubrey would sling them at him, unforgivingly. he always smiled through it.
when aubrey became physical with him, it wasn't like he couldn't fight back. he was twice her height, and was captain of the basketball team.
it felt like his punishment for not being able to help hero.
___
aubrey isn't dumb. she knows to hit the places that clothing cover.
his sides are coated in purple.
he looks in the bathroom mirror and doesn't recognize himself. the bags hang heavy under his eyes. he takes his thumbs and pushes his lips up in a curl.
'smile,' he thinks to himself. 'like you always have!'
his grin doesn't reach his eyes. it's funny how fake it looks.
it's funny how nobody notices.
___
"kel." his parents stare at him when he walks through the door, holding a piece of paper. "what are these grades? you've never been a straight a student, but these are unacceptable."
d's and f's coat the paper. he's not unaware of his grades, but school just hasn't felt worthwhile. it all doesn't matter, does it?
"listen, honey. you can't be on the basketball team anymore with these grades. we're not going to let you play until you sort this out." his dad stares at them.
kel almost wants to laugh. basketball, his only solace, ripped straight from his hands.
his parents sigh, "let's have dinner, okay?"
he pukes it up later that night.
___
hero lays still in his room and kel watches. he wishes he could be dramatic like hero. lay in his bed all day while his parents coddle him.
why does nobody understand that the world doesn't stop for them?
all he can feel is anger.
"GET OVER YOURSELF HERO!" he screams. "MARI WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED THIS!"
"what?" hero's response, flipping over.
"mari wouldn't have wanted this? well, kel, in case you haven't noticed, MARI IS DEAD." he screams. "YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE."
"it shouldn't have been her, you know? it shouldn't have been her. goddamn it kel, why the fuck couldn't it have been you?" he mumbles.
kel just feels anger. he's lacked all the other emotions since the day mari died. hero starts wailing on the floor, his parents barge in and he stares while they hug hero.
a pity party. he feels numb.
he walks out the door.
he spends the night at the park, he's sick of it all. he lays on the benches staring at the stars for hours.
he still feels completely numb.
he walks back in around 4 am, hero sleeping in his bed. he watches his chest raise and goes to sleep.
___
he wakes up to hero getting ready for the day. one argument was all it took to wake him up from his self induced depression.
"kel, i…" hero pauses, "i wanted to talk to you about yesterday."
awkward silence fills the room. kel purses his lips and he presses his thumbs into the bruises on his sides. just to feel anything at this point.
he's felt oddly numb for awhile now. everything feels like syrup. he thinks about what the proper reaction should be.
he remembers that he should smile.
"it's okay! i knew you didn't mean any of it. you were grieving."
"i was, but that doesn't excuse my actions. i'm so sorry, kel." hero responds, he reaches out for a hug.
kel side steps it. "seriously, it's fine. we're all cool! i gotta head to class."
he almost sprints out the door.
___
hearing hero tell him that it should've been him wasn't something he expected. it makes it all fit perfectly.
aubrey hits him because it should've been him.
he throws up every meal because it should've been him.
___
"kel, you've been acting weird lately, is everything okay?" hero asks when he gets back to their room that night.
"i'm perfect hero! i haven't been strange. maybe i've just changed a lot in the past year." it goes unsaid that they haven't talked one on one in over a year. every since hero's depression.
hero pauses, "i guess, but mom said your grades haven't been great."
is that all that matters to his parents? his academic standing? "eh, school's just gotten tough."
he's painfully good at this.
acting.
pretending.
___
so he gets up in the morning.
he eats his breakfast and goes to school.
aubrey kicks him around during the day and he tactically pukes in the bathroom before class.
he dreams of what their life could be like if mari was still here during class.
he goes home.
he talks to hero, acts like he hasn't been completely numb for the past few months of his life.
pretend he doesn't hate his parents for the favoritism.
pukes his dinner up.
watches hero go to bed, make sure to see his chest rise before trying to fall asleep.
fail at sleeping for the most part, try and at least get one hour.
rinse and repeat.