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Adam spent the day of his older brothers wedding fulfilling his best man duties of making sure Mark didn't hyperventilate before his vows, and visiting with distant family he was secretly glad he only saw once or twice a year. His new sister-in-law was great, and her family seemed pretty normal, so the evening slipped into night with all the ease of freely flowing champagne, and soon he was in his hotel room alone, checking his phone again for texts he hadn't received.
He missed Charlie.
He missed the other Ducks too, of course, but he didn't stay up thinking about any of them, or have to fight himself not to reach out and kiss them when they first woke up across the dorm, or want to run his hands through their hair...
Fuck. He was down bad.
Picking through his friends instagram stories, Adam was able to piece together the party they were all at pretty well. Adam wanted to be there with them. As shitty as he knew he'd have felt about it years from now, he would have chosen to go to that end of high school party over his own brothers wedding in a heartbeat. He would always choose to be wherever Charlie was. It was pathetic, and he wasn't proud of it.
He scrolled around for a while, liking a few stories and commenting 'love you losers' on the group photo Goldberg tagged him in that had 'just missing Banksie-poo' in the caption. He was so tired, but it was hard to sleep. The end of the year was always like that. He got too use to Charlie's soft snores and the way he could sense him just across the room. Everything felt off during summer, and even though they would be rooming together again in college in just few short months, he was a little terrified of the change. Of the way Charlie talked about it like they were going on some grand adventure together. Like they were a team of two, instead of just two members of a team.
They'd been apart less than 48 hours and he was already miserable. He still had 3 days there in Denver, and then another 2 days while Charlie visited his step-dads family in DC, then they could finally see each other again. They would hug, and they would spend the day playing street hockey, and Adam would pretend like it was enough. Because it was better than nothing.
The Charlie-Adam alliance:
Banksie: The party looks crazy! Wish I could be there with everyone.
He didn't want to be that guy. The guy pining after his best friend. The guy sending desperately transparent texts that practically shouted PAY ATTENTION TO ME even when Charlie was having a good time elsewhere. The guy that stared at his phone for an hour like he could will it to ring.
But he was. He was absolutely that guy.
Banksie: The wedding was fun but I'm exhausted. I want to hear all about the party tomorrow though!
He put his phone on the charger, turned off the lights, and screamed into the pillow until he was tired enough to go to sleep.
Adam was just getting into a solid snooze when his phone started vibrating on the bedside table. He flipped it over, squinting at the too bright picture Charlie had taken of himself and set as his contact photo.
Charlie Calling...
(Adam) Hello?
(Charlie) Adam!
(Adam) Charlie it's-
He checked his phone, still squinting-
(Adam) 2 in the morning. Is everything ok?
(Charlie) mhm yea. Just wanted to talk to you and hear you and stuff...
Charlie was drunk, slurring his words and laughing to himself in that way Adam recognized from the few other times he'd had alcohol. He was such a lightweight. It was adorable.
(Adam) I miss you too, but you should sleep. You're going to be really miserable in the morning if you don't.
(Charlie) Aw. You're very good to me, Banksie, did you know?
Pointedly ignoring the way that made his heart skip, and how his breath caught in his chest, Adam laughed.
(Adam) And you, Conway, are very drunk. Did you know?
(Charlie) Of course! I drank the drinks for drunk. To drunk. I'm drank- I mean...
Charlie sighed heavily, seemingly giving up. Adam laughed again. He could just picture Charlie right now, sighing like that. Probably had his arm thrown over his face with his eyes closed. So cute. So-
(Charlie) What are you doing?
(Adam) Well, I was asleep, but some drunken idiot decided to chat me up at two in the morning...
(Charlie) hahah! God, you're so funny... but yea. I drank too mu-
He hiccuped, then laughed, and Adam couldn't help but laugh a little too. By the time they stopped, and Charlie had taken a good breath, he'd clearly forgotten what they were even talking about.
(Charlie) Oh no. Do you remember what I was going to say?
Adam didn't think he was ever going to stop laughing at this point.
(Adam) No. You called me, Charlie. I have no idea what you were going to say.
(Charlie) You know...
(Adam) Haha no. I really don't...
(Charlie) You do know, Adam. You know.
He was suddenly very serious, and Adam started to worry that he really had pushed it too far with the drinking.
(Adam) Charlie. I think you are too drunk. Maybe you should sleep?
(Charlie) No. I miss you too much for sleep.
He hated the way his heart betrayed him. The way it begged for those scraps of affection. Please please please...
(Adam) .... oh?
(Charlie) Yea. You didn't come to the party.
(Adam) I know. I'm out of town remember?
(Charlie) Yea. With some girl named Gigi...
This wasn't technical true. Gigi was his new sister-in-laws little sister. She was 17 and the maid of honor at the wedding, so she and Adam ended up in alot of pictures together that were already on instagram. Adam hadn't told Charlie about Gigi or really anyone except his brother, and the fact that he knew her name meant he had done at least a little digging on social media.
He wasn't sure how he was suppose to feel about that, but it was nice.
(Adam) I'm not here for Gigi, Im here for Mark. Gigi was just the maid of honor. She's nice, but we're not... we're not together.
He felt oddly out of breath saying that, like he was defending himself. Like he was trying to assure Charlie that there was no one else. As if there ever could be anyone else. As if Charlie actually cared if there was.
(Charlie) Yea, well, I hate her, even if Connie says it's mean and... I can't remember what else she said... But she gave me the look. You know... like this...
(Adam) haha! I can't see you, Charlie. We're on the phone....
(Charlie) Oh, right. Duh.
Charlie let out a sudden, loud laugh, but it quickly morphed into a sad sigh. And Adam knew he probably shouldn't push, that it wasn't really fair and it didn't really count with Charlie so wasted, but he pushed anyway.
(Adam) Why do you hate Gigi?
(Charlie) Hmm?
(Adam) Gigi. You said you hate her. You don't even know her. That's not like you...
(Charlie) Well. She was holding my hand
(Adam) .... What?
(Charlie) My hand. She was holding my hand and holding... wait. I mean... she was holding your hand and I want your hand mine...
(Adam) ....you what?
(Charlie) Can you hear me?
(Adam) Yea. I can... I can hear you.
(Charlie) You keep saying 'what?'
(Adam) I just.. I don't understand what your saying. You're drunk. You don't... you don't know what your saying.
There was a long stretch of silence that made Adam's skin feel tight before-
(Adam) Charlie?
(Charlie) Yea?
(Adam) Are you falling asleep?
(Charlie) No. I'm too sad for sleep.
(Adam) Why are you sad?
(Charlie) .... Why can't you hold my hand? We never hold hands. I have such good hands, Adam, I promise...
Adam's heart tugged hard, and something in his stomach flipped upside down. Charlie did have good hands. He'd thought alot about those hands, actually. What it would be like to reach out and hold them, to have them brushing against his skin.
(Adam) Do... do you want to hold hands, Charlie?
(Charlie) Yea
Charlie let out a long suffering sigh, and Adam almost wanted to laugh at how fucking adorable it was.
(Charlie) All the time. I think about it alot.
(Adam) ....why?
(Charlie) Why what?
(Adam) Why do you want to hold my hand?
(Charlie) Oh. Haha, right! Well. Probably because Im in love with you.
Oh. Fuck.
(Adam) Y-you are?
(Charlie) Of course! You're my Adam!
(Adam) But... why?
(Charlie) Why what?
He would be lying if he said he wasn't frustrated by how distracted Charlie was in his current state. It was like trying to listen to his three year old cousin tell a story. 40 tangents and 100 questions later and they still aren't at the point. This wasn't at all how he'd imagined Charlie confessing his love all the times he'd day dreamed about it, and he knew it was just the alcohol, which almost made it feel worse than if he'd never heard the words at all.
(Adam) Why do you think you're in love with me?
(Charlie) Oh my god, Shh! You can't just say something like that out loud! It's a secret!
(Adam) A... secret?
(Charlie) Yea! Fuck. Don't tell Adam, ok? Geez...
He simply could not help but laugh at that, even though his mind and heart were both racing.
(Adam) Ok. Haha, yea, I won't.
(Charlie) Promise?
(Adam) Yea, Charlie. I promise.
He felt only a little bad. It wasn't really a lie because he was sure he would keep from telling himself...
(Adam) But... why do you love m- Adam?
Charlie let out another long, dramatic sigh, this one a little happier, a little more dreamy. Adam had no idea what Charlie would look like letting out a sigh like that one. It was new to him. He wanted to see it so badly.
(Charlie) He's just the best. Well, you know...
Charlie laughed like they were both in on a joke, and even though Adam had less than no idea what it meant, he found himself laughing a little too. He was always doing that, willingly getting dragged along with Charlie's laughter and excitement. He loved it.
(Charlie) He just makes me feel... things. Good things. And his laugh is like medicine. But the good kind, you know. Like... like bubblegum flavor. Not that cherry shit. That's shit's disgusting.
(Adam) Of course...
(Charlie) And he says all the right stuff, and knows all the smart things, and keeps skittles in his nightstand for me, and gives the best hugs... like. THE best. I just want to live inside his hugs.
Yes, Adam thinks, please do. Please let me hug you and keep you forever. Please please please...
(Adam) Yea?
(Charlie) Yea. And his lips are so pretty I want to kiss them.
Adam gasped, his mouth hung open a little as all of the nerves in his entire body buzzed for a second, and then, a little breathlessly-
(Adam) What?
(Charlie) Hmm?
(Adam) You...
He had to remind himself that Charlie was drunk. That none of this could really be taken seriously. That it didn't actually count. He could cry it felt so unfair.
(Adam) You're really drunk.
(Charlie) Yea, I am. The room is spinning a little, but I think I'm ok if I stay on the floor.
(Adam) You're on the floor? Are you at least in the dorm?
(Charlie) Yea. Tired...
(Adam) Well... go to sleep.
(Charlie) ok, but... don't leave.
(Adam) I... I can stay on the phone. I think you should try and go to the actual bed though.
There is another small sigh, some rustling, and then-
(Charlie) Ok. I'm in bed. It sucks though because you're not in bed. Your side is very empty.
(Adam) Yea, well, I had to leave early for the wedding, remember.
(Charlie) Right... for Gigi.
(Adam) No, Charlie. For my brother.
Charlie let out another sigh, like he was allowing himself to believe it. Like the words were somehow healing.
(Charlie) ....ok
They lay there in the quiet for a long time, and Adam felt the pinpricks of tears in his eyes when he thought about how awful the conversation was going to have to be in the morning. When Charlie inevitably told him he was just drunk and being stupid, hat he doesn't even remember much of it. And Adam will laugh it off like it didnt matter. Like it didn't fill him up and completely drain him at the same time to hear I'm in love with you in during drunk dial at two in the morning.
(Charlie) Adam?
(Adam) Yea?
(Charlie) If I tell you I love you in the morning, would you say it back?
He wanted to say no. To give them both an out, and protect himself a little bit. Charlie's confession could be brushed off as drunken confusion. Adam's couldn't. But he just could not bring himself to lie. Not with Charlie suddenly sounding so serious, so nervous.
(Adam) Yea... Yea, I would say it back.
(Charlie) ... Why can't you just say it first then?
(Adam) Just scared, I guess. You're my best friend, Charlie.
(Charlie) Yea. That's my problem too. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you and you were holding someone else's hand in the picture and... and I cried and then Portman made me some shots but I was still sad... and then Guy took my phone away but I tackled him and got it back.... and now I can finally sleep because you're here. And I'm so so so so so tired...
When Adam spoke, the words came out cracked and broken. He was so scared of the morning. He couldn't decide if he wanted Charlie to remember all of this, or to forget it.
(Adam) Yea, I'm here, Charlie. You can sleep now.
He didn't sleep at all. He listened to Charlie's soft snoring, and the intermittent sound of the air kicking on and off in his hotel for nearly two hours, trying not to panic, but failing. The call ended a little after 4, and Adam knew Charlie's phone probably died. It was a long night of minimal rest and too much thinking, and when his alarm went off to let him know he should get up and ready for breakfast with his parents, he really just wanted to stay in bed and scream into the pillow some more, but he couldn't.
Adam didn't hear from Charlie all day. He wanted to call, but also knew Charlie probably had a hangover, and would have to push through that to start packing up his side of the dorm, so he didn't want to add on any stress. That's what he told himself anyway. Really, he was too afraid of what was coming. But he knew he couldn't avoid it forever.
Just as he was getting ready for the last big dinner with the remaining distant relatives that hadn't left Denver, he sent a text, testing the waters.
The Charlie-Adam Alliance:
Banksie: Can I get proof of life? You seemed pretty wasted last night...
Conway: [photo]
It was a selfie of Charlie giving a thumbs up that partially hid his face. In the background Adam could see a few half packed boxes on the bed, and a tiny sliver of the empty closet.
Banksie: Nice
Conway: Can I call you real quick? Mom is going to be here any minute to help me finish and I think we need to talk.
Banksie: I'm about to head to dinner with the family.
Conway: I just need a few minutes.
Banksie: Ok yea
Adam had played a lot of career defining games, and taken a lot of nasty hits, but nothing scared him as much as hearing his phone vibrate when Charlie called him a few seconds later.
Charlie Calling...
(Adam) Hey
(Charlie Hey, um, so... so, you're going to dinner?
(Adam) mhm, yea. Some of the family is still in the city so... yea.
(Charlie) Right. Um...
Charlie laughed nervously, and Adam could almost see him running his hands roughly through his hair that way he always did when he felt awkward.
(Charlie) I'm sorry I drunk called you...
(Adam) Don't be. It's.. you know... it happens. It's ok.
(Charlie) Is it though?
Adam sighed. He had no idea what to say.
(Adam) Yea. Of course.
(Charlie) Even after... after all the stuff I said?
So he remembered, then.
(Adam) Yea. I mean... you're my best friend. We can... we can just be real with each other or whatever. It doesn't have to be weird. We can forget it.
There was a long, tense silence, and then-
(Charlie) What if I don't want to forget it?
(Adam) ... what do you mean?
(Charlie) What if I meant it? What if I told you I was in love with you and I meant it. And what if you said you would say it back, and you actually did... what if I don't want to be scared to tell yo-
(Adam) I love you.
The words rushed out in a mess of syllables all jumbled together, but Adam knew Charlie heard them. Knew from the sharp inhale that he understood.
(Charlie) You do? For real?
(Adam) Yea. So much. Like... an embarrassing amount, actually.
Charlie laughed, and the sound was like a spark in Adam's chest.
(Charlie) Yea, well, I think Guy and Connie would disagree since they've been getting the brunt of all my pining for the better part of, like, two years, but I'll take it. I love you so much, Adam. God, that feels so good to say sober haha!
(Adam) It feels good to hear it while you're sober...
(Charlie) I miss you.
(Adam) I miss you too. 2 more days and I'll be home.
(Charlie) Good. Because I really want to kiss you.
Adam breath caught, and he had to close his eyes and center himself. He felt like he might float away.
(Adam) Yes you mentioned that last night too. Told me I had pretty lips... haha!
They both laughed a little at that, and Adam wanted to cry at how good it felt.
(Charlie) Well I'm right. They are pretty.
(Adam) I'll take your word for- .... oh hey, I have to go. We're heading out.
(Charlie) Ok. Talk later?
(Adam) Yea, definitely.