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Pieck tried to recall the last time she’d slept. Odiha, she was sure she’d gotten a few hours in Odiha. That was...a day ago? Two? So much had happened. The scramble to get the flying boat in the air, the Paths, the battle, the standoff, the debriefing, making camp, another debriefing. She should sleep. Take the pills and sleep like the medic told her to.
She watched her father sleep, afraid that if she closed her eyes he might transform again. Annie slept like a log next to her father. Mr. and Mrs. Grice sandwiched Falco between them, terrified to let him go. Gabi whimpered a little in her sleep, reaching out and clutching air. Her parents and aunt didn’t wake. They were safe. She could rest now. The world wouldn’t fall apart if she shut her eyes for a little bit.
What if it did?
Pieck reached for the packet of pills in her pocket. They were precious now. Perhaps she should save them. She’d get a little air, then lay down next to her father and lie perfectly still until reveille.
She wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and stepped out into the night. No patrol, no camp lights. Everyone was too tired to fight. She wended her way through the maze of tents thrown up, wherever there was space, between the buildings and rubble. Her eyes caught the cherry of a cigarette over near the ruined gatepost. Since insomnia, like misery, loved company, she went to ask for a drag.
She was a little surprised to find Reiner coughing over a bent cigarette. He too had a blanket around his shoulders to ward off the chill of the desert night. He was still in the gray thermal he’d worn under his uniform in Shiganshina. Come to think of it, she hadn’t changed her clothes in days. She must reek.
“Didn’t know you smoked,” she said.
“I don’t,” he replied. He took another drag and coughed.
“Hell of a time to start,” she said. “May I?”
“Sure.” He handed her the cigarette.
Pieck took a drag and blew out the smoke. “You shouldn’t be smoking. These things can kill you.”
“Didn’t Magath say that was the point?”
“Mind if I sit?”
“Go ahead.”
She sat and they passed the cigarette back and forth in silence. He didn’t seem to find it awkward that she had nothing to say to him. She’d never been close to Reiner. No one had, not even Gabi much to the girl’s frustration.
“I’m sorry,” he said, at length. “About Porco. I tried…”
“Not your fault,” she said, “That Porco wasn’t one of Eren’s friends.”
He winced at that. Shit. She’d always told Porco to lay off Reiner, a superior officer deserved a little respect. Porco would huff that he treated Reiner with all the respect he deserved. She’d reply that it would be Porco’s own fault if he landed in the stockade for insubordination. Porco would declare that Reiner wouldn’t dare write him up, not after what he’d done to Marcel.
Reiner and Porco had always gotten along like oil and water. She’d been the emulsifier, making sure they could work together. It was so strange talking to Reiner without having to run interference for Porco.
“It is my fault,” he replied. “If Porco had gotten the Armor instead of me…”
“Marcel would have hated that.” Pieck drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “You think Porco and Eren would have gotten along?”
“Probably not,” Reiner said. “Eren was such a little shit stirrer. And Porco…” he pursed his lips.
“Porco was Porco,” she said. “So not your fault, okay?”
He didn’t reply.
She wanted to say that Porco knew what it was like to lose a big brother. That Porco knew Falco loved Gabi and that Gabi couldn’t love someone who’d killed her cousin. That an armored bird would be too heavy to fly. That if she’d grabbed Bertolt in Shiganshina, Eren would never have been able to attack Liberio. That if Bertolt hadn’t aborted his attack at the last minute, they could have captured Eren. That four children should never have been saddled with that mission. That Karl Fritz should have stayed behind to dismantle his empire properly instead of fucking off to some island and wiping his subjects’ memories. She wondered if any of that would be comforting or if it would just make Reiner feel worse. Why was she having so much trouble with this? Of all the Warriors she’d been the nice one, the diplomatic one. Yet she couldn’t think of any soothing words for a man she’d known since childhood.
God she needed sleep.
“Maybe they could have been friends eventually,” Reiner said. “Jean and Eren used to hate eachother.”
“Oh? What changed?”
“I murdered Marco.”
She wondered how to reply. She had no idea who Marco was, only that he’d been important to Jean. Maybe she should just ask.
“Tell me about Marco.”
“He brought out the best in Jean. Whenever Jean would cross a line, Marco would step in and smooth things out. Jean would usually apologize, unless it was to Eren. Jean and Eren used to fight over the stupidest shit. But Marco could always get Jean to calm down. Got him out of his head, encouraged him to be better than he was.”
“Sounds like a good person.”
“He was.”
Once again, she was at a loss for words. Porco would want her to say that the Scouts had killed Bertolt, so they were even. Zeke would want her to say something witty and wise that would tie everything up into a teachable moment. Magath would want her to say something incisive, feelings be damned. She wasn’t sure what Reiner wanted. It was likely Reiner had no idea what Reiner wanted.
“Pieck,” his voice was soft. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Okay,” she replied. He seemed to be struggling as much as her. “But if it’s too personal, I won’t answer.”
“Fair enough.” He was silent for a moment, then said, “What is it you want?”
“Sleep, mostly.”
“No...I mean from life. Annie said we get that now.”
Pieck thought for a moment. “Spend time with my dad. Have a career. Go out with friends. Find someone special. Grow old with people I love. All the usual stuff, I guess. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“You think that’s possible, after everything that happened?”
“I don’t know. It’s a little scary, isn’t it, suddenly having to plan for the future? But we have plenty of time to figure things out.”
“I don’t think I do. They told me they’re considering psychiatric discharge.”
“Was this about what you said at the campfire?” Had that only been a few days ago? It felt like a year.
“That’s part of it. And in Liberio I said some things in front of Falco that he repeated to one of the doctors here. He was only trying to help.” Reiner took a deep breath. “When they brought that up, it just sort of snowballed.” He glanced at her, then quickly looked away. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you.”
Maybe he wanted her to punch him, to call him worthless? Porco always said Reiner brought it on himself.
She needed sleep, her brain felt like soup. But she didn’t want to leave Reiner like this, sad and failing at learning to smoke. Think, Pieck, think. There had to be something she could say. She was the clever one, dammit.
“Well,” she said, “Discharge might not be a bad thing. It’s not like they can feed you to a titan any more. Think of it as a second chance. If you could do anything else with your life, what would it be?”
“Nothing,” he said. “There’s nothing else I can do. On Paradis we had options, we could be whatever or whoever we wanted. I made them play soldiers because that was all I could think of. I know I’m useless without the titan. But if I’m not a Warrior then what the hell am I?”
Good question.
“Well…” She tried to think of something, anything she knew about Reiner outside of the Warrior program. “What about your family? Maybe you could do something for them?” Shit, no. He’d joined the program because of his mother.
“I tried that. It’s the reason Eren isn’t a doctor in Shiganshina.”
“Is it though?” she asked, “Maybe he’d have found another excuse to trample the world. Or maybe he’d rigged things so that you couldn’t not break the wall. Arlet made it sound like he’d been pulling all our strings from the beginning…” she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Sorry, I’m too tired to think about time travel and predeterminism. Look, we both need sleep. They gave me some pills. Let’s just try to sleep and then we’ll figure things out in the morning, okay?”
Oh fuck. Did she really just say Sorry bud, but I’m too tired to deal with your identity crisis? If it makes you feel any better, you probably never had free will to begin with?
“Okay,” he said. “You’re right. It’s way too late at night for this shit. Thanks for letting me ramble.”
That worked? Porco had wanted her to manage his emotions. Zeke had wanted her to make him feel smarter. Magath had wanted her to offer solutions. Had Reiner wanted her to listen? Wanted her to tell him when to shut up? Both?
“We should turn in,” she said.
“I think I’ll stay out here,” he replied, spreading his blanket out.
“All right,” she said, fishing the pills out of her pocket. “It’s a nice night. Ugh, it feels gross saying that after everything that happened. Mind if I stay with you?”
“No,” he said, stretching out on the ground. She gave him one of the pills, then lay down next to him, trying to cover them both with her blanket. It was way too small.
The stars were pretty here. Looking up she felt like she could see the entire universe. When she was little, she and her father had sat on the roof of their tenement, trying to see a meteor shower. He said if you saw a shooting star you could make a wish. She’d stared out into the muddy sky, terrified of missing her wish. Her father’s health depended on it.
You could never see many stars in Liberio; too much light, too much pollution from the factories.
She would never see Liberio again. She stifled a sob.
Reiner tentatively put an arm around her shoulders. She curled into him and he tightened the embrace.
“Bertolt used to get homesick,” Reiner said, “Looking up at the stars.”
“Yeah?” she murmured, crying into his chest.
“You remind me a lot of him,” Reiner said. “You’re both smart, kind, and levelheaded. He always let me ramble, too. And then told me to stop when I got too crazy.”
Pieck sniffled. “I miss him. All of them.”
“So do I. You think they’re at peace? Wherever they are?”
“I hope so.”
She’d always kept her distance with Reiner, even though she was a hugger. Why had she assumed he didn’t like being touched? Was it the resting bitch face and the way he’d cross his arms? Or had she been afraid to get too attached, that instinct that urged you to avoid a dying dog and lavish your affection on a puppy? Yet here they were, huddled together after the end of the world. And she felt...better? At least not too anxious to sleep.
She felt her limbs grow heavy and her eyes close. All she wanted from life right now was a few hours of deep, dreamless sleep. The mess Eren made would be waiting for her in the morning.