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All the air leaves his lungs for the second time in two days. Only this time it’s because of the woman stood in front of him rather than a bullet tearing through his shoulder.
A woman he knows he’s damn lucky to have in his life. He wouldn’t be here right now were it not for her. That’s the simple truth of it.
And his brother has told him how she hadn’t strayed from her seat in the waiting room the whole time he was out. Told him he’s never seen her look like she did at the notion of losing him.
And so now, when she’s standing before him looking nervous as hell at the thought of wanting to tell him something, he lets himself hope.
Because she’s saying to him that she’s realised she wants to tell him something and he knows her. Knows her better than he knows anyone else at this point.
But he’s never been certain of this. They’re both guarded. Both a little jaded by life and by love and so she might be his best friend, his person in this world, but he’s never been certain she’s been feeling what he feels.
He’s hoped. Hoped a little more each day as they’ve grown closer.
And he didn’t know what it was that he was feeling for the longest time. All he knew is he was happiest with her. Is happiest with her.
Has been for a good while now both at work and beyond the walls of the district and who was he to question that.
Question one of the brightest spots in his life.
He trusts her. And those three words don’t quite seem big enough to carry the weight behind them, but he doesn’t trust easily. Not anymore.
And what’s more, he likes her. Likes pretty much every damn thing about who she is. He has so much respect for the person she is.
It had been Hailey who’d found him. Of course she’d found him. She never gives up on him. Hasn’t since she met him. She found him and then he went and got himself shot anyway.
And he thinks maybe he deserved it. He understands Angela’s hatred. He’ll always carry that with him.
Yet he also knows he can’t let himself dwell on it as much as it hurts. Can’t let himself go down that dark hole because it’ll destroy him and then the people he cares for - Will, Hailey, the team. He’ll talk to someone about it if he needs to. He won’t risk putting Hailey in danger if his head isn’t on right like he has before.
That’s not who he is now. Not who he wants to be.
And god, it’s not even the first time he’s done this to her. She’s found him bleeding on the ground - shot - twice now in the last fourteen months. It won’t do. He can’t keep doing it to her.
And if anything ought to prove that he’s better with her by his side, it’s that. Both times he got hurt, he should have reached out to her before it got to that point.
Let her in a little more.
Let her stand beside him.
She doesn’t scare easily. Knows she won’t turn away at the darker shades of him. He just needs to let her in.
And he remembers the words she’d spoken to him not so long ago. How if she were going to follow someone blind, she’d follow him. It flawed him then and even the thought of her faith in him makes his stomach swoop now.
He’s not sure what he’s done to deserve her in his life.
This woman before him who is so damn beautiful without realising it.
He watches her search for the words where she stands in front of him. Feels his heart beat quicken in anticipation.
And then his phone rings.
His undercover phone and he moves before thinking really.
It’s instinct. Of the two people’s numbers he has in that phone, the only one who might possibly be calling him right now is a kid.
A kid who is grieving.
A kid he’s been trying so desperately to help.
‘What are you doing?’ Hailey says to him, and it makes him pause in his tracks.
She’s not yelling at him like Will may, even if would be coming from a good place. Not chastising him like Voight would. She’s just quietly telling him the truth.
She’s simply being there for him.
It’s one of his favourite things about her. How she just gets him. Always has.
He looks at her. At the slightly sad look of understanding and acceptance he finds in her gaze.
He sets down the phone. Lets out a shaky breath.
He doesn’t want to lose this moment.
A moment that’s inexplicably made him forget all about being shot in the last forty-eight hours when she’d uttered those words.
It made me realise. I wanted to tell you something.
‘What were you going to say?’
Because he wants to know. He needs to hear it. He knows this is different. So different. But still, putting his heart on the line for a partner, it feels like a lot.
(Even if it’s everything he dare let himself want.)
He sees it. Sees the light in her eyes shift. Sees the moment she decides to not say it.
But it’s still a blow when he hears the words come out of her mouth. That’s she’s going to pull the car around.
Sees her already starting to turn away. Needing privacy in her vulnerability.
He feels his stomach sink a little. The butterflies he’d felt resettle into their quiet.
He gets it.
He’s never found the words himself and moreover, he knows it’s on him that she’s not said anything now.
He shouldn’t have moved to pick up the phone. She’s right: he needs to let it be. If only he’d just kept his focus on her.
He stands alone in the hospital room. Lost to his thoughts, to what ifs, when Will rounds the corner in his scrubs.
‘Hey, man. Thought I might have missed you. Hailey get held up?’
‘Oh, no. She’s gone to pull the car around.’
‘Like a proper invalid, huh?’
‘Yeah. Sure.’ He tries a smile but he knows it isn’t much more than a twitch of the lips.
‘Come on, I’ll walk you out,’ Will says and the two fall into step.
‘Can you thank everyone for me?’ Jay says when he gets to the doors. He might hate hospitals but he’s damn grateful for the staff who work in it.
‘Of course. I’ll check in when I finish my shift,’ his brother tells him and Jay nods as he sees Hailey’s Jeep pull up near the doors.
Jay goes to turn away when Will’s hand on his good arm stills him. ‘Jay, you good?’
And here he is again worrying someone else in his life. He’ll be fine. Medically speaking.
Sure he’s pale and stiff and in pain but that’s not why he looks as he does right now. That’s not why his heart feels a little heavy in the moment despite knowing how lucky he is.
‘I’m fine, bro. Really. Just looking forward to getting out of this place - no offence.’
Will huffs out a laugh then. Tells him to say bye to Hailey and disappears back into the milieu of the ED.
She stands by the hood of the Jeep as he makes his way outside to her. As he relishes breathing in the air that’s fresh rather than sterile. There’s a smile on her face at the sight of him walking out of there and he can’t help but smile right back.
The few minutes she’s had to herself have clearly helped her to regroup.
‘You got everything?’
‘Thought I’d get my checked luggage later,’ he quips.
She laughs before she can stop herself and he feels himself grin at the sight of her dimple.
‘That only got you a smile because of you being shot in the last couple of days.’
He throws her a look as he opens the passenger door.
‘Need a hand?’
‘I’m good.’
The drive is quiet. He’s exhausted, truth be told, but he also welcomes their quiet time. They’ve never needed many words.
Hailey’s just about one of the only people who doesn’t question his quiet sometimes and he likes to think he does the same for her.
When she pulls into the garage at his place, he sees his truck in its rightful spot.
‘I sent Kev to go grab it for you.’
‘Thank you.’
He slides himself out the seat and Hailey rounds the front of the car to stand beside him.
‘You need a hand getting upstairs?’
Oh
She’s not staying.
He’s got no right to assume. Only he prefers quiet with her to quiet alone. Only she’d told him yesterday, she’d got the afternoon off.
But he thinks he gets it. Gets that she needs work right now.
‘I’ll be fine.’
‘Are you sure?’ she asks him, stuffing her hands in her pockets.
‘I’m okay.’
She nods at him and he watches as her eyes become watery once more. He wants to hug her but he’s not sure.
He’s sure of her, but he’s never sure where the line is these days.
She looks down at the floor and he thinks he has his answer. For now. At least.
He’s messed it up. Again. Been reckless and selfish and god, he doesn’t want to ever be the reason she cries.
‘Really, I’m okay,’ he says quietly to her. ‘Be good as new soon.’
She swipes at a tear that falls but her eyes remain on her feet. He won’t push her on it.
‘Thank you for taking care of me. Finding me.’
She nods a few times and then lifts her eyes back to his. A sad smile on her face.
‘Call me if you need anything.’
He nods at her and steps back. Watches her drive away lifting his good arm in farewell with his pathetic little plastic bag of belongings in his hand.
He’s made such a mess.
He heads for the elevator and finally gets to turn the key in his lock.
It’s good to be home. He feels weary in his bones. He knows he should change into some comfier pants but he makes the mistake of sitting down on the couch and the next thing he knows he’s waking up to the sound of his phone falling on the floor.
He wipes at his eyes and leans down to scoop it up off the rug. Grateful in the moment that it’s landed there and not on the wooden floors.
He has a rug now and for the first time he really lets himself admit that he’d bought it a few months back now because Hailey complained her feet were always cold on the floors.
They don’t even spend much time at his place really but still he’d found himself heading for the nearest home store the following weekend.
They normally find a quiet bar or go to hers because, if he’s honest, it’s far nicer than his own place.
He glances at his phone and sees he’s been asleep for a couple of hours.
Swipes open his messages.
A couple from the guys in the group chat telling him they bet the staff at Med are happy he’s out of their hair.
One from Will telling him he’s hoping to get off at eight and two from Hailey an hour apart.
You doing okay?
Jay? Really hoping you’re asleep right now or I’m gonna be kicking in your door soon
Fell asleep. Sorry. I’m okay
Good
Don’t stay too late at work
She must be exhausted too. Adam let slip they’d all come under machine gun fire the day before and he hates that he wasn’t there to back them up.
To have her back.
He does go and get some sweats on this time around. Takes some more pain meds because he’s pretty sure his brother and Hailey will somehow know if he doesn’t.
Imagines Will might shake them out the bottle and count them at some point.
He doesn’t really know what to do with himself. Flicks on the tv and puts on the sports news but he’s not really listening.
His mind starts to wander. Wander to Hailey and the conversation in his hospital room.
God, he’d been so happy to see her face when she’d rounded the door once he’d woken up. He hates hospitals - it’s no secret - but it all felt a little better with her presence beside him.
It hadn’t stopped him from asking her to break him out: he knew it was fruitless, but it made her smile.
Knows from what Will has said, that she’d been struggling to keep it together in the hospital waiting room with a sea of cops’ eyes on her.
He understands. He’d be a mess if something ever happened to her.
Understands too why the words had died on her lips before. He’s been there. He’d been so close in the break room at work when everything was going down with Kelton.
When she told him she’d forget about him just fine.
He wasn’t sure at the time if it was her deflecting because she needed to or if she genuinely doesn’t realise that she’s become everything to him.
She’s the most important person in his life.
And he’s thought about telling her that. He has. Nearly said it in the moment a couple of times but he’s scared too.
He can admit that.
He’s scared of losing her. Scared of messing it up. What if she wants to leave too?
He won’t be the same if Hailey were to ever walk away from his life. He knows that in his bones.
He never wants to know what his life is like without her now he knows what’s it’s like to have her in it.
She’s stood by him. Believed in him. Even when he’s pretty certain he didn’t deserve it.
She’s always made him a priority and it means the world to him. He hasn’t had that in the longest time. Someone who is in his corner without question.
He and Will are good these days. Solid. But it wasn’t always like that. It was painful silence and broken promises for years and it’s taken a long time to rebuild the trust even if the love was there.
And the team - he cares for them. Of course he does. He’d do anything for any of them but he’s never quite felt he was a priority for any of them. They all have their own bonds - friendships - and he always felt a little like he was on the periphery of that. Never felt close with them in that way.
He thought, at times, that he’d found it with Erin. That he felt like he was a priority for her but when he looks back now, he sees it was never that simple between them. Neither of them really let their guard down all the way and Erin’s priority would always be Hank and then the job.
Hailey though. She’s in his corner. Wants what is best for him. Always. Trusts him and the kind of man he is. What he stands for.
Honestly, the last person whose presence made him feel as supported as hers does was his mom.
He wants to be that for Hailey: the person that makes her feel less alone in the world. The person she doesn’t need to have any of her walls up with.
And most days he thinks he’s getting there. That he’s doing a good job of showing her that she’s his priority.
And then he has his moments where he’s rash and led by his emotions and he hates that he’s put her through the pain. Through the worry.
But he wants their moment. He wants them to get the do over of their moment in the hospital.
He’ll wait. He’s willing to wait forever for her. He hadn’t even really realised it himself, but he had pretty much stopped dating entirely since the two of them started to grow closer.
Even when she was with Adam, he still didn’t want anyone else and it took him a beat to realise why that was, but he knows now.
He’s in love with her.
He’s fallen so in love with her.
He can’t imagine wanting someone else and she’s not even his.
He potters around tidying up a little, or as best as he can whilst he’s flying a little crooked, but he needs a distraction.
He catches sight of himself in the mirror above the dresser and takes in the cuts and bruises to his face. The mottled colours on display. It’s a small price to pay for still being here.
After about fifteen minutes, he feels exhausted and has to sit himself back down but everywhere looks better, he thinks. Everywhere looks presentable.
He picks up his phone.
I fancy pizza. Want some?
He sees the three dots appear.
He wants her company. Always really. It’s so rare these days that he would pick time alone over time with her.
I think I’ll be like another hour here?
That’s fine. I’ll order for then. Usual?
Sounds good
She texts him as she sets off and he hits pay on the order sitting in his phone.
The window from his lounge faces out into the street and in the quiet of his apartment, he thinks he recognises the sound of the Jeep’s engine as it pulls up outside.
When he looks down into the street, he sees her parallel parked outside.
Watches as she rests her forehead on her steering wheel and takes a minute. Part of him feels bad for watching a private moment but it only confirms what he already knew. That she’s on her knees after this week.
That she needs him right now as much as he needs her.
That today wasn’t the right moment. For either of them.
He steps back. Allows her her privacy. Greets her with a smile at the door rather than the hug he thinks they both probably need.
‘Pizza is about ten minutes out,’ he tells her. ‘You hungry?’
When she’s stressed, she doesn’t eat. Doubts she’s eaten much since he went missing unless Vanessa or Trudy have managed to get her to force something down.
He can’t take away the last forty-eight hours, but he can take care of her now. Even if he’s not at full power.
‘Yeah, a bit. Busy day you know.’
‘Everything okay at work?’ he asks her.
‘Yeah, just paperwork from the case.’
She doesn’t specify which. Their plans to keep things off book to find him well and truly went out the window when he got shot. Could be cleaning up his mess or the machine gun case.
‘You want a drink?’
‘I can get it.’
‘Hailey,’ he tells her and something in his voice makes her pause. ‘I can get you a drink. Just sit down. Relax.’
She rolls her eyes but she heads for the couch anyway. He takes the cap off a beer for her and pours her a water. Sets them both down on coasters beside his own.
She murmurs a thanks and gulps down the water before reaching for the beer.
‘You miss my face across the desk today?’
She pulls her legs up beneath her on the couch. Plops a cushion in her lap as she so often does as she sits facing him.
‘Eh,’ she answers bobbing her head from side to side.
‘Oh, that’s great,’ he laughs. ‘You can pay for your half of the pizza now.’
And he knows the only reason the cushion doesn’t get lobbed at his head is because of the sling on his shoulder.
‘You take your meds?’
‘Yes, William. I did.’
If he knows she’s not going to throw something at him, he might as well make the most of it.
‘Seriously, you feeling okay?’
He answers her honestly.
‘Sore. Some pain but it’s pretty localised. Just feel a bit weak but better to be home.’
‘Okay.’
She lets out a sigh across from him but it’s more like an exhale. Like she can breathe a little easier.
‘Sit,’ he tells her as she starts to stand when there’s a knock at the door and she fights a smile, but she sits back down.
He balances the pizza box in the crook of his uninjured arm and deposits it on to the coffee table before turning back to grab them both a plate each. It’s slow moving doing it one handed but he doesn’t want her to move. Not now she finally looks relaxed.
She smiles at his stubbornness when he hands her a plate.
And they chat as they eat, about everything and nothing. The tv playing idly in the background.
His phone lights up with a message from his brother.
I’m done. You take your meds?
Yeah, gonna take the next ones in a few when my food goes down
Good. Want me to come round or you heading for bed?
It’s okay. Hailey’s here
Enough said. She won’t let your stupid ass do yourself any more damage
He snickers down at his phone and turns to show their conversation to Hailey when she quirks a brow at him.
‘I can go,’ she offers. ‘If you want Will to come round?’
He waits until her eyes settle on his. ‘I’m good with this,’ he tells her quietly. ‘Don’t mind you being here drinking my beer and eating most of the pizza.’
She laughs and rises to stand. ‘I’m having another beer just because you said that.’
He follows her with his gaze. Watches her head to his fridge and pull out the bottle opener to ease off the cap before setting in back in the drawer.
She resettles on the couch beside him. Picks up the remote and starts flicking through the documentaries on Netflix.
Today might not have been their day but they’re both here. He has every intention of showing up for her, of taking care of her when she lets him, of showing her that he’s not going anywhere so that when she’s ready, he’ll be there.
He’s going to show her that she’s his priority.
She must sense his eyes on her. Tilts her head at him in silent question and he smiles in return. They’ve never needed many words and he sees the way her cheeks redden now before she turns back to the screen. Wonders just how much of what’s going through his head she has an inkling of.
And he makes himself a promise as he sits beside her on the couch: he’s going to be the kind of man she deserves.
And one day, it’s going to be their time.