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he didn't deserve kaedehara kazuha. he was sure of it. kazuha was too gentle, too delicate, too kind and overall too good for someone like him. being with kazuha made him the happiest and he wanted it to never stop, but at the same time he wanted to make it go away, scream at the boy and say he's a fool. after all scaramouche was just a waste of kazuha's kindness after everything he did. no, from the day he was born scaramouche was a waste of resources and effort. a useless puppet who craved to be useful, but failed every time.
the thoughts were swirling inside of his head non-stop.
"I see the gears running inside your head and this gloomy look. something's bothering you, isn't it?" kazuha approached him and sat beside on the coach. it was inazumian styled house inside of traveler's teapot, a room designed just for him. when aether announced he made a whole room just for him he felt horrible. he didn't want to owe him more that he already did. maybe though aether didn't see their friendship this way?.. was it friendship?.. it was still hard to embrace it.
scaramouche tried. he did everything he could to atone for his sins. however, there were days when everything seemed pointless, there was no progress on his redemption path. he was the "wanderer" after all. aimless, pointless and with nowhere to go.
since the day aether introduced kazuha and scaramouche to each other, the puppet felt extremely conflicted. he should've pushed samurai away and made everything possible for the poet to leave him or kill him if one wished so.
it seemed fate had fun playing with its prisoners for kazuha neither bought his sharp remarks and rudeness nor left him be.
so now scaramouche had to deal with overthinking and worried kazuha simultaneously. it was his attempt to push him away number who-knows-what. he needed to stop it immediately. it went too far and was too much.
"it's none of your business."
kazuha seemed unbothered, but in fact he knew scara too well. he realized instantaneously something was wrong.
"it's not gonna work, my dear wanderer. tell me what's going on inside your brilliant head" kazuha put a hand onto his cheek and turned his head in the way, so that he could look the puppet in the eyes. he smiled fondly and scara was ready to die thousands of times for the way kazuha looked at him. the fondness that made him feel sickly consoled.
he couldn't bear it. again and again. the love, caring. it's not for him. he sighed deeply "stop it."
"you have to be more specific, my dear." wanderer felt kazuha's fingers on his face. it pleasantly pinched and tingled where samurai touched. he wanted it to stop... please, just stop. he couldn't take it anymore.
he felt his breathing quicken, "stop doing it". he removed kazuha's fingers from his face. kazuha didn't look even slightly taken aback.
"we're back at it, i see."
there was one time when he saw kazuha truly mad. at that time the concept of relationship being not transactional was so foreign he questioned every kazuha's action. why did he call him pretty? why did he want to be with him everywhere? what do you mean you want to kiss me? why? what can I possibly give you in return with the same value? he asked him the latter question and kazuha got so angry at him. he said he didn't want scara to stay with him out of obligation. he said he never asked for payment. after that it was hard to rile him up, but he remembered that time and wondered what he needs to do to make kazuha go away, abandon him. scara was secretly afraid of kazuha stabbing him in the back, but he also wasn't against it. letting kazuha kill him was the plan from the start after all.
"scara, do you think I don't realize what you try to do every time?" he sounded frustrated.
"what?" snarled scara.
"you're trying to push me away every time I'm affectionate towards you. we can't go on like this."
"yes, because it doesn't make sense." scara was genuinely puzzled all the time. kazuha was a mystery to him. for a mortal he was too strong and extraordinary.
"scara" kazuha sighed tiredly. "your self-hatred doesn't have anything to do with me. if you hate yourself it doesn't mean I have to do it. I don't want to."
"I can make you hate me, you know. what if I tried to kill someone again? someone dear to you? or what if I tried to do something unspeakable?"
"that is very unlikely."
scara was silent. he was tired. how could kazuha not understand that involvement in scara's life was gonna backfire eventually. he didn't know when. he couldn't prepare.
"why?" he spat back. "you think you know me? you think I wouldn't do it? I did it before. what makes you think I can't do it again? if I so desire I can do whatever the fuck want. I'm selfish and you know that."
scara realised how pathetic this attempt was, but tiredness took its toll. he couldn't fight forever.
"well, if you did something like that I would be really surprised about your stupidity. I mean you clearly learned from your mistakes. that's why you're tormenting yourself now. but scara, you don't have to make your new life about the past. I know it's too early to ask you to let go of it, but I believe we can still have fulfilling lives even with our pasts hindering eventually people make peace with it. I can help you turn this page."
to not make his new life about past? how could he not? when he erased himself from irmimsul and was left with no memories of the past it bothered him. he felt even more hollow and it was unbearable, so he decided to go back to his old self and his sins. letting go of his past didn't work. without it he feels even more empty and with it he feels like he deserves to die. he always deserved that.
"I'm the reason of your misfortunes. I can't ever atone or do anything to fix it. I can't pay you back. you refused to kill me and that was the only reasonable thing you could've done. not... this." scara sighed. he couldn't look kazuha in the eyes. the kindness felt unnatural for someone like him. maybe it was some kind of twisted way to get revenge? kazuha's kind now, but eventually the boy would understand that it wasn't worth it and just abandon him like everyone did. he couldn't bear love. the hatred, bloodthirstiness and desire to cause him pain he could handle and deal with, but affection was alien.
"not this?" kazuha put his hand on scara's cheeks again. his skin was warm and he radiated sunshine. he avoided kazuha's gaze. it was painful. love made him feel horrible. maybe it is revenge after all. not being able to ever feel loved again without this contradiction inside.
"look at me" his voice was soft and the rays from the rising sun peeked inside the room dancing on kazuha's beautiful face.
he looked at him. it was mesmerizing. the torment and awe meddled together. he wanted to forget how horrid he was at that moment and enjoy, but he forgot how to let himself be.
"you're so beautiful." said kazuha with fondness. "I think I love you"
scara's breath hitched. he wanted to cry. he felt so empty most of the time, but at the same time so full of hatred and pain. he was hollow like a puppet he was, but at this moment it felt like his non-existent heart was bleeding with intense feelings. confessions like this are meant to feel nice, but it didn't feel nice. he was fucked up. flawed. he was the problem and he knew that.
"I'm sorry" his eyes were glistering with tears. wasn't that the reason his mother discarded him? this weakness. what a joke. this salty liquid. where did it come from? why could he cry like a human would, but wasn't one? the irony in having tears in the first place always got him.
after having kissed his forehead kazuha embraced him and pressed scara's head to the chest caressing his hair fondly. scara wanted to stop these stupid tears. it was embarrassing and pathetic.
could he love kazuha back? did he have it in him? was he allowed to love someone again? especially kazuha who was caught up in the middle of his petty revenge. could he trust again?
"oh my" kazuha sighed deeply and pressed scara's head to the chest. "I know I can't just fix it with love, but I want you to try and let yourself be. I didn't forget, but I forgave you. you want me to hate you and I think it would be a waste to do so. I ask too much of you, I know, but you have to try and forgive yourself."
scara was whimpering pathetically in kazuha's warm embrace. he tried to suppress any sounds as hard as possible, but still, it didn't help.
"promise me you'll try." kazuha kept stroking his hair and holding him tightly.
he didn't know if he wanted or had it in him. forgiveness wasn't one of his virtues for sure. it didn't matter whether it was towards someone or himself. kazuha asked him to do it and he couldn't refuse. if it took forgiveness to be useful to kazuha then he'd try.
"okay" his voice was quiet and quivered a little while saying it. scara was unsure if he was even capable of forgiving.
he could try for kazuha. the possibility of doing it for himself was laughable. he couldn't stand himself. scara remembered time when somebody called him beautiful. kazuha said it as well. he might've been pretty like a doll would be on the outside, but on the inside, though, he was faulty, appalling even.
did he even want to try it for himself? what was it what he wished for? did it matter?
kazuha still held him and it felt so nice that he decided to indulge in hugging samurai back.
countless questions were spinning inside his head unanswered, but in the embrace of this man he could feel a bit worthier.
nobody said a word after this and only kazuha's breathing and heartbeat were audible.
it wasn't peace and the word didn't fit to his character and way of thinking, but it was the closest he was to obtain something akin to it.