Work Text:
Raven wakes in a sweat.
The cold fluid ironically grounds him back into reality, his body nearly always warm enough to feel heat radiating from it. He turns around, seeing everybody else still lying and unaware of his contrasting state. He slowly exhaled, counting their bodies, accounting that everyone was present, finding calmness and himself again knowing the others were safe and present.
Trying to walk back into sleep’s embrace, he closed his eyes, letting exhaustion wash over him. But the night’s doors closed on him, and anxiety grew in his stomach, refusing to be sated with mere reassurances to himself.
The previous day had gone uneventfully. They had traveled, going from one ruin to another, vegetation greeting them and none of it truly familiar. Lu had been able to identify a few, and he alongside Ain, Rena, Chung, Laby and Nisha, and Ara, set out to gather what they could for Elsword and Ciel to make something of a meal for the group. Add had mysteriously vanished before their roles were decided, but he returned shortly before their departure, working with Eve to create a rough cartograph of the area. Laby had tackled a hug into his leg, which he had awkwardly yelped before patting her back and pulling her off, speaking to no one in particular that yes he was amazing and great and that he appreciated their gratitude.
He wondered if the plants were what were causing the source of nurturing unease within him. His mind oft wandered back to Velder without his body, where wonderings of how his former home was faring. It had suffered before the party's arrival, but after, its people had found themselves. The collapse of the nobility and class structure allowed the majority of those who had stayed and survived to build mutual network systems of support, which had carried and stayed well long after their departure. When a letter penned from Vanessa arrived months after their leaving, an odd sense of respite welled up within him.
When he returned, he thinks, what would have survived? Would his father still be there?
His father, close yet distant, as Raven had always maintained it during their relationship. His figure had always been imposing and commanding. Still, a distant memory surfaced of when they were younger. He had always favoured an imported plant from far away, letting them grow and hanging them in numerous rooms throughout the house. When Raven had come, he had placed several into his room as well, mentioning they would help with sleep and dreams. Soon, study rooms and libraries, kitchens, and storage rooms too found themselves with a bit of the plant, and him everywhere. Familiar, comforting.
He wasn’t even sure of his father’s survival, but no mention of his death meant a notion of being alive, and for now, that was enough. The training grounds and schools had surely burned, being so near the meteor fall of fires of the capital. Those places, he had no feelings to approach with.
Opening his eyes again, he looked upon the water near the camp. The moons hadn’t yet set, but they had crossed into each other’s spaces, glowing softly with each other. It was still early morning, he assumed.
He gathered himself up softly, making sure to not cause reason for the others to wake. His prosthetic hummed silently as it always did, letting him go with no alert to the others as it lay near his cot. Aisha mumbled in her sleep as he passed her, something about the conversion of energy into elemental magics. Her blanket had tumbled off, so he crouched to pull it over her, and she rolled a bit at the newfound warmth, before returning back to her mumbling.
He chuckled at the sight, then returned to his impromptu walk.
The group never held a solid routine during their wandering, and their accumulation to the new world around them still had them setting into the concept of day that they would follow. Thinking back to the rough map, he crossed over the thick roots of willowing trees that bent towards him, and stepped over the curious foliage that shone a bit brighter near his presence.
He stopped when one of the roots, large and wide, sitting upon others and covered in what looked akin to moss. It rose and rose, following and crawling all over the skin of the plant. Patches of moonlight were scattered around, splintered from the leaves of the towering trees above him.
Glancing back at the clearing, he saw that everyone was in sight, and he was distantly in theirs. Slowly, he climbed onto the trunk, his hand digging into the moss-like texture that seemed alive. They tickled his hand, curious at the new being that appeared suddenly with them. Reds, teals, purples. So different from the muted greens, blues, and yellows of its Elriosion counterpart, but otherwise near identical. In both appearance and purpose.
They welcomed him as he sat down on the root’s trunk. “Sorry,” he whispered, gently setting himself down into their space. Though far from the clearing, he still wished to not cause alarm at his displaced presence. Tearing his gaze away at the moss, he followed their lead, before looking beyond them and onto the tree bark. Though large and wide, he recognized signs of decay. The dark magenta ombre wood was still standing strong, but the algae was weighing on it, and its colour was somewhat paler than its siblings around it.
“You as well?” Raven spoke to no one in particular. Though it offered no reply, the tree’s branches swayed in the windless air, gesturing towards the body of water it faced.
Roots, his father said, were important. Though you could rarely see them, if one was decayed, it might affect the rest of the body, and had to be cut immediately. He had said that when showing him an uprooted flower, plucked from the earth, from the garden. Raven couldn't recall what type it had been, nor why it had to. Seris, when he showed her the numerous plants and his expertise around them, guided him into a conversation he led that while she understood naught of it, she was more than eager to learn about them, and him.
Owen’s eyes had briefly flickered when the topic arose days later, asking him on the various uses of the plants Raven nurtured. For tactics, he said blankly. His interest dissolved quickly after Raven had replied that they were nearly all for medicines, and a hobby.
If only he cut Owen then. If only then, everyone else hadn’t need to be cut down for him. If only then, they would still be alive with him. If they were, Owen would be the only one dead. Instead, he had cut everyone else.
The branch that continued to live after being uprooted, its home destroyed. Looking upward, unable to see the moons, Raven stared into nothing. He was already dying. But he still had so much to do. So much to redeem himself for. For better or for worse, he.... had moved on, he realised. Because Owen didn’t matter anymore.
Finding himself back in memory of conversation with the former Sun Master, he thought back to the core of what Solace had said.
Regrets.
Raven knew they and guilt were a core part of his reason for moving forward. But self-forgiveness? He could leave behind Owen, but he couldn’t leave everyone else. He couldn’t forget everyone. He had a new group of people to care for, and he couldn’t fail them like he did for their predecessors. His current regrets and mistakes, he could live with, but he hadn’t considered his future’s. They all looped and fed back into each other.... But if... he could burn the rest of his life to give them theirs, then they would still live - then it would - then it - then -
He didn’t realise he was shivering. Cold sweat dotted and ran down his face and arm, though thankfully not soaking him. Taking in a slow breath of air, he forced himself into calmness. For so long, he had forgotten the feeling of living. But after Altera, a relationship of exchange built on simply giving back transformed into a genuine friendship and promise to survive. He wanted to make it through, he thought suddenly. That was obvious before to him, but now, it felt like a soul shattering truth. Anxiety bloomed once again, threatening to overtake him as he curled and covered his mouth -
“Mr. Half-Nasod, slouching won’t do you any good at your age. If you were cold, why not bring a blanket?”
Whipping his head around to the sudden voice, he found the source a small distance farther then he thought it would be.
Ain. He was smiling. Recently, his near eternal smiles had changed, but Raven couldn’t place why or how. Smaller, less plastered. His words still, however, oft poked in jest and lied in evasiveness.
“I was surprised! Though you’re usually up early to exercise and train, I didn’t expect to see you awake at this hour.”
“...Ain, were you not sleeping?” He and Rena had been restless both times upon arriving into the realm, something that hadn’t gone unnoticed. With their previous exposure in the Debrian lab, there was of course reason to worry when they reentered the place that affected them again, but both had waved it off with mere carefree nonchalance and perseverance the second time.
“We are talking about you and not me, aren’t we?” Ain hummed, shifting his posture on the trunk. Raven blinked, wondering when Ain had climbed up to be sitting beside him.
He decided to go with his companion’s white lie. “Sorry, did I wake you then?” he asked.
“Haha, no, you didn’t. But what brought you here?”
“It... just a dream, nothing to worry about.” He couldn’t recall what pulled him out of sleep. A nightmare then? Had it even been a few weeks ago, he never really had any dreams. Nights during his youth demanded heavy rest, and he would wake to barely anything besides when his body decided it would, which had thankfully been early mornings. Sleeps during the academy were the same, and then it had been dreams of the future; with Seris and Owen at his side, his father spending time with him in his many gardens, of battle but with assured victories and no losses, of Seris. But that was all before, and after, he was forced to relive the memories and ghosts of people, and himself, only their listener, in unending drowning waters. Then nothing.
Fwump. The sudden but soft weight that fell upon his shoulders broke him out of his stupor.
Ain had moved closer to him, and had his recently acquired new cloak wrapped around him.
“Ain? You and Rena already aren’t feeling well- ”
“Raven, it’s fine,” Ain said quietly. “You need this more right now.” He smile had vanished, a firm face that refused objections replacing it.
“I could just go back to camp if I wanted a blanket, Ain.”
“Hm, but you’re not going back yet though, aren’t you?” Raven had no words in his throat to counter with. “You’re shivering, meaning you’re cold, and if you want to stay healthy, you need to stay warm.”
A part of him wanted to walk back, to find refuge under his own covers alone, but another part of him, the one that was stronger since it won, wanted to stay. He did not fight Ain’s statements, choosing to accept the warmth from the cloak that tickled his face.
Neither said anything.
Both stared at the moons dipping towards the dusking horizon on the water. Raven tried conversation again. “You aren’t going to ask anymore?” He felt more weary now, exhaustion taking him back. He thought he could see yellow lights glimmering in the corner of his eye, but they almost seemed to flee when he tried to focus on them.
Ain however, barely looked tired. “Of course I want to, but I don’t think you’ll tell me, or anyone, what’s going on. Maybe it’s one thing, maybe it’s many, and maybe maybe you will, or you won’t. I... know, that some things... can’t be said. So I won’t force you to say anything.”
Huh. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Ain hummed.
The moons were touching the skyline soon. “It’s... a lot of things,” he said suddenly. The past, his regrets, his reasons for going forward, Solace’s words. The uncertainty of what was up ahead, the future, everyone.
“There’s a lot of things I have on my mind, but it’s all very...selfish,” Raven said, choosing his words carefully. “Of what I want to do, or to justify what I do, and... what’s going to happen in the future, eventually.” Needing to live for the dead. Needing to die for others to live. Wanting to live.
Ain was silent for a while before he spoke. “There’s nothing selfish or strange about that. You want things, just like other people do. If I were you, I would be scared and anxious too.”
He returned his eyes to the former at that. “Scared?”
Ain turned to him, incredulous. “Fear is what everyone has, yes? Even Mr. Ancient, even if he refuses to admit it,” he giggled.
The sudden teasing towards the younger person caught him off guard, but he couldn’t resist a small smile as he shook head. “I... think those would be some appropriate words for what’s going on.”
Ain turned back to look at the horizon before closing his eyes. “Did something happen while I was unconscious? Back with Miss Hernia and Mr. Sun Master.”
Some things had been said. His mouth responded faster than his mind, speaking the truth halfway before the latter caught up.
“...Solace and I spoke for a while. It... was about some personal things I had on my mind.” Was it too much, or too little? He felt more awake now, on some guarded alertness, but he wanted to let someone else in too. Even if it was only the width of a door's creak.
Raven thought he heard Ain mutter “you too I see,” before he opened his eyes, looking at Raven, and rejoindered. “I don’t have the right words perhaps, but if you’re worried about needing time alone, about wanting something for yourself, it’s alright. To want things and to centre you and what you want. I... it took me a long while, to do the opposite, of caring for everything else, which ironically, included myself. But I know you always have the others in mind, and so does everyone too. You deserve it, to want. To just be Raven.”
Raven breathed in slowly. The air seemed gentle, as did everything else around him. The yellow glow was getting slightly stronger, as if emerging from their hiding spot and welcoming him in their space.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Of course, it’s what we do - looking out for each other, isn’t it?” The smile had finally returned to its home. “Speaking of, the suns are exchanging their places with the moons."
Raven turned his head back to the water, where the suns declared their arrival, basking the water in a gentle violet, weaving itself together with the night's magentas until it was impossible to see where one star's reflection began and the other ended.
"It's beautiful," Raven said. The cool air remained, but he didn't mind or feel it anymore.
"It is, isn't it?" Ain said, standing up.
"Tomorrow’s coming," continued Ain. "But it’s still late enough to rest. We should go back, and let you sleep, even if it’s short,” Ain said. He gathered himself and hopped back onto the ground with a small sound.
Raven stood in silent agreement, stretching before remembering that he still had Ain’s cloak on. He began to take it off, pulling the sleeve off his left shoulder first. "Oh, thank you again Ain - ”
Ain waved his hand, the morning light gently scattering against his bare arm. “There’s still a bit to walk, you may hold onto that for a little longer if you'd like to,” he said cheerfully, turning around to leave without waiting.
The yellow glow suddenly dimmed.
Ain, thought Raven, seemed to instinctively retreat into distance. He jumped softly down too.
Raven hurried to rejoin Ain, and matching his pace in silence, they walked back to camp where everyone else was.