Chapter Text
They had thought it was a joke when Leo first disappeared.
Some grab for their attention as if he hadn’t already gotten enough after the invasion. He had gotten enough attention to last a lifetime after that, enough that even he seemed uncomfortable with it at some points. But there was something that didn’t add up. Leo had stopped with the attention grabs, he had stopped doing things without telling anybody, and he wouldn’t even leave the house without taking someone with him. It didn’t make sense.
What made even less sense was how Leo’s location tracker had gone completely offline. As far as Donnie was aware, none of his brothers knew the location of their trackers. And for the tracker to go offline instead of continuing to signal where the tracker was ensured that he hadn’t taken the tracker off. No, this was something much more puzzling than Leo just disappearing. It made no sense. And that was as far as he’d gotten.
Donnie sat at his desk, turning back and forth in his chair as he examined the several monitors in front of him. On one was a spreadsheet of all of the data he had on his brother’s disappearance; last known location (an alley just outside of the lair), last sighting (Mikey had said goodnight to him), time of disappearance (2:58 AM), last known heart rate (they had gotten Leo an athletic watch after the invasion to keep track of his vitals from afar, he had grown a liking to it. 78 beats per minute).
Another monitor he looked at had Donnie’s tracker pulled up with a blue pin in Leo’s last known location. Monitors next to it had maps as well, one of a birds-eye view of New York and another with a tourist map of the Hidden City. Both had pinned locations scattered around the maps of places that Leo had frequented or been to before. Clicking on the pins would pull up a tab that informed what the destination was, who it was owned by, and how many times Leo had visited there since the tracker had been implemented. It was helpful for quick data collection and when Donnie’s brothers tried to help with his search.
It was crucial that they felt like they were being useful. With their inspirational speechmaker gone and their spirits low, Donnie knew he wouldn’t be able to handle what happened if his family fell apart on him.
A couple of monitors closer to the top of his setup showed files of possible suspects and anyone that the turtles may have angered prior to Leo’s disappearance. It had files and notes on Big Mama, Hypno-potomus, the worm guy always following them around, and even that one dentist that tried to take Todd’s teeth.
There was a separate document open containing every possible suspect from both the federal and state governments. They were mutants after all, and even after silently gaining respect from all of New York, the United States government could never be ruled out.
Another monitor had an Atomic Lass fanfiction pulled up. He had to have something to keep his spirit up, but that wasn’t the point.
Nothing about his brother’s disappearance made sense, the pieces just weren’t adding up for him. He had tried every angle, checked any place he could’ve gone.
Nothing.
He and his brothers, along with April and their father even went to seek out Big Mama for help. She did owe them for forcing them to fight in her Battle Nexus and releasing the Shredder anyway. Just by mentioning that (and a little bit of their father’s charm, yuck) it was enough for her to tell them, for free he may add, that she didn’t know anything about Leo’s disappearance. She didn’t even have a device that could help them track him down at the moment. She was, however, ever so gracious enough (you can even smell the sarcasm there) to tell them where to find someone who did have a long-range mystic tracker that could help find Leo.
And when they went to find the guy who had it? Dead end. He had been missing for weeks, supposedly ran off to escape the Hidden City police.
Donnie was at multiple dead ends at once. He had been searching endlessly since the afternoon they realized that something was wrong. He had no leads, no signs, no nothing.
And the worst part was that he couldn’t tell his family. They trusted him to find their brother, their son, they had all of their hope in him. And what had he gotten them?
Hope was all his family had at the moment, a ninja's greatest weapon, even if it was just a chemical reaction in their heads. And the best Donnie could do was pretend he was getting somewhere.
It felt horrible to lie to his family, but he really was trying his hardest, putting his full effort into finding their brother. Leo was his brother too, and he missed him so badly. But there was only so much he could do now that Leo was missing. He had developed stronger trackers that hadn’t broken in all of the tests he ran, but he couldn’t put one on Leo after he was already gone. He only had to keep it up until he found another path to search, but he had no clue how long that would take to find.
He felt so useless, but for his family, he knew the best thing he could do was try.
That didn’t mean that it wasn’t exhausting. Just a couple of weeks ago, Donnie had been frantically collecting data, organizing suspects, and making threats to any and every mutant and yokai that Leo had ever talked to. Why didn’t he have that energy now?
His hand curled into a fist on his desk, tightening as hard as it could for only a couple of seconds before it fell apart, losing all energy. Donnie sighed, laying his head down on his desk and closing his eyes.
Maybe a minute of rest before he got back to work. Yeah. that sounded good.
He heard a shifting from the doorway.
“...Donnie?”
He cracked his eyes open, peeking at the orange and green juxtaposition to his purple and magenta-lit lab. This shouldn’t be how he presented himself, but he couldn’t help but crack a smile at his brother’s appearance.
“Greetings,” He replied, still lying his head down on his desk. His brother took that as his welcome, stepping past the doorway to come closer. Donnie must’ve looked pitiful, in his hoodie and taking a nap at his desk. He should be up and moving, in his wraps and battle shell, or at least have his goggles on. But they were across the room, and he was too tired to get up and get them. Conveniently for him, he was also too tired to care too much about how sad he might’ve looked. You win some you lose some.
“Here,” his brother said quietly, handing Donnie a mug before he could nod off again. He lifted his head, grabbing the warm mug from out of his brother’s hands. The heat from the mug should be enough to keep him awake.
The mug smelled like chocolate and was topped with whipped cream that floated around in the cup as he brought it close to him. Hot chocolate. Not his favorite, but it was his brother’s favorite, and it was certainly a comfortable drink.
“Thanks, Mike,” He mumbled, smiling up tiredly. He brought his legs up to a crisscross in his chair, focusing on the warmth of the drink in his hands.
“Aw, don’t call me that, I’ll sound like an adult,” He laughed quietly, resting his hand on the desk.
“Whatever you say,” Donnie replied.
He brought the warm mug up to his mouth, sipping on the equally warm beverage inside. He felt the warmth go down his throat and spread through his body. It felt comfortable, like a heater for his insides, at least one perk of his brother’s favorite drink.
“Oh. You’ve got a little something…” Angelo pointed to a spot just above his mouth, smiling sheepishly. It took Donnie almost an embarrassingly long time to figure out what he meant. He felt around his own mouth and found the remains of some of the whipped cream. He wiped his face with his hand, licking the whipped cream off his finger. Angelo looked down at him, and his smile faded. He looked away.
“Donnie… you need to get some rest. And I mean like actual rest. In your bed,” Angelo said, his voice nearly a whisper. He stared off into a far-off part of the lab.
“Angelo, it’s only nine-thirty. And I still have more stuff to do,” He lied. Not about the time, there were clocks at the bottom of every one of his monitors, as well as the monitor in the top corner that was, itself, a clock.
However, he had been bluffing about having more to do. He had nothing but searching through what he had already done and doing it over again. He had nothing .
“Come on, you were taking a nap when I walked in,” He pushed. Donnie took another sip of the cocoa. It filled him with warmth.
“And that was more than enough,” Donnie argued back, his words starting to slur together.
Angelo’s brow lowered, and he knew he wouldn’t be getting out of this one. His eyes were actively shutting.
“Fine, fine, I forfeit,” he said, raising his free hand defensively. Angelo’s face lit up, and Donnie felt himself smile a bit too.
He pressed a button on his computer, saving his tabs and putting it into idle mode, and he rose to his feet, “Take me away, oh prince Angelo Jitsu, to my prison,”
“Oh come on, your room isn’t that bad,” Angelo chuckled as he took Donnie’s hand, leading him out of the lab and into the lobby. They shuffled quietly through the dark room, the dim light of the lab and a few arcade games lighting the room enough for them to get to the stairway.
“ Scoff , my room isn’t any bad,” He joked, letting himself be led slowly down the stairs. They reached the bottom, landing quietly on the dark subway platform.
Luckily, when they had first moved into the place, they had installed glowing signs and nightlights to supply at least a little bit of light during the dark. With no atrium anymore, they didn’t have moonlight as a natural light source.
“I still think you could use a bit more colors than just purple and grey,” Angelo suggested, leading them into Donnie’s room. He flipped on a lamp, which started glowing a soft orange instead of purple. Angelo must’ve changed it so it didn’t mess up Donnie’s eyes or something. Donnie set his cocoa down on the desk next to his bed.
“If you’re so opposed to my clearly superior color scheme, you could… idunno… paint a mural in here or somethin'?” Donnie felt his eyelids drag lower, and he turned to look at his brother accusingly, “Did you drug the drink?”
“Nope! Just the power of warm milk,” He said, proud of himself, “You need the rest anyway,”
“I don’t think I could say no if I wanted to…” Donnie replied, removing his mask and setting it next to his cocoa. He stared down at his desk, nearly falling into it as he faded in and out of sleep.
“Donnie?” Angelo asked worriedly, and Donnie looked over to him. The best he could, he waddled over to him, bringing his arms up and practically landing on top of his brother in a sort of messed-up hug.
“Thankfs Angelo,” He mumbled the best that he could. Angelo held his arms out for a second, but wrapped them around Donnie all the same. They stayed there for a moment, Donnie couldn’t tell how long.
“Of course. If you need anything, I’m just across the hall,” he smiled.
“Hmfgd,” Donnie agreed, pushing himself carefully off of Angelo and flopping down onto his bed. He immediately sunk into the sheets and pillows, letting his tiredness engulf him. He didn’t even see the light get turned out before he fell asleep, but he did hear one thing.
“Love you, Dee,”
—
Slowly but surely, Donnie became aware of the sounds around him.
He heard the soft clinking of pans from the kitchen, the far-off sounds of a random soap opera playing in the living room, and the sounds of talking and music coming from upstairs. As he gained more and more consciousness, he felt his pillow pressing hard against his face and the vibrations of footsteps that were heavy enough that he knew they had to be Raph’s.
He peeked his eyes open, staring over to his desk on the opposite side of his subway car room. On it sat his mask, his hot chocolate that definitely wasn’t hot anymore, and his goggles, which hadn’t been there before. Mikey must’ve brought them when they left the lab last night.
Had he really been that tired that he hadn’t noticed?
He also noted that his phone was on the desk, plugged in. Mikey must’ve done that last night too, and Donnie couldn’t help but feel bad that his little brother had to take care of him as much as he already has.
He turned over in his bed, feeling the scales on his face ache as they touched the air for the first time probably since he fell asleep.
He sat there for a few minutes, gaining enough energy to eventually sit up, swinging his legs out to set on the floor. He leaned forward, pushing his hands against his knees and hoisting himself up. Donnie stood there momentarily, feeling his weight teeter as he found his balance. He reached his arms above him, feeling the muscles in his shoulders and back as they extended, stretching out his plastron. As he reached more into the stretch, he nearly fell forward, catching himself on his desk chair.
“Alright. Apparently, I needed that,” he commented, his hands tightening a bit as he gripped the chair. He righted himself, reaching down to the desk to fiddle with the knot on the back of his mask. Apparently last night he had also been too tired to properly take it off. Once the knot was undone, he brought the mask up to his face, re-tying the mask as he did every morning, shuffling it around until it felt right. He brought his goggles up to his head as well. At least one thing never changed.
Donnie rolled his shoulders, daring to look over to the clock. He was almost surprised when it read 9:48 AM. He had been expecting early afternoon at the earliest, but it made more sense when he remembered that he had gone to bed more than twelve hours ago.
“Wow… I guess I needed that too,” he said, a bit shocked. Old habits die hard, he could guess. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a full night's sleep. It was a good thing he had finally gotten it in that case. The longest he had ever slept after staying up like that was sixteen hours, but he was pretty sure he had been drugged that time, so he didn’t always count it.
He yawned, bringing a hand up to wipe his eyes. It sounded like April was over if breakfast was being made this early.
He didn’t even need to think twice about his hypothesis before he heard her rambling on about something upstairs, her distinct April O’Neil tone of voice standing out against the other sounds. Good, it’s been a bit since they’ve had breakfast together, and Donnie was starting to realize how hungry he actually was. He picked up his now lukewarm cocoa, unplugged and pocketed his phone, and headed toward the sound.
He made his way up the stairs and towards the kitchen, the sounds of talking and music growing louder with each step. As he emerged into the kitchen, he was surprised to almost be pelted with a pancake.
The pancake hurdled towards him, and he covered his face defensively, but no impact came. He peeked his eyes open, moving his arms away from his face. In front of him stood April, a plate held up in her hands above her head.
“Mikey, you can’t just… You can’t just throw pancakes… and expect me to catch them…” she wheezed, bringing the plate down to her chest. She leaned forward, panting, and Donnie stared down at her as she caught her breath. He reached out a hand to put on her shoulder when she suddenly turned around.
“ DONNIE! ”
“Uh… yes, that is me,” he said awkwardly, drawing his hand back to his side. She threw herself onto him, nearly dropping the plate she was holding, forming a weirdly oriented hug. She wrapped herself around him, giving him no time to prepare.
“ Dee! Ohmigosh, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! ” she exclaimed, squeezing his arms to his side.
“ Ough - Nonsense, it’s been at most a week, you’ve gone without seeing us for longer,” he stated. April only squeezed tighter, forcing him to make an unflattering noise. He rolled his eyes, struggling his arm out of her hold, and placed it on her back.
He smiled, patting her head with his now free hand, “Good to see you too,” April, apparently satisfied with her odd hug, pushed off of Donnie to stand normally again.
“Wow, look at you. You look like you crawled right out of a tomb!” She smiled, bringing her hand up and down while examining him, “Mikey, how long did you get him to sleep for?”
“Double digits, baby!” Mikey replied from across the room, waving his spatula excitedly. April made her way over to the counter next to him, placing the plate full of pancakes in a safe spot. She leaned next to Mikey, pulling a hand up to hide her mouth.
“You should get him to take a shower next,” She whispered to him loudly. Donnie’s face fell flat and he began to scowl. He walked over to the sink to deposit his mug, not bothering to clean it.
“Hardy har, yes, nark on me all you want,” He grabbed a plate out of the cabinet, pulling a pancake from the counter onto it, “I’ve got enough on you two alone to last a lifetime. Don’t think I don’t know who caused the great chili spill of 2017,” He mentioned casually, picking up and taking a bite of his fully uncut pancake. Mikey slowly turned around from his place in front of the oven.
“You know who caused the great chili spill OF 2017?!!? ” He yelled in shock, his hands coming up to his head. Donnie yawned, unamused.
“Of course, by the laws of fair exchange, you’re not getting it out of me unless you share with me something of equal or greater value,” He explained, holding a finger up.
“Laaaamme,” April sighed, putting a pancake on her own plate and smothering it in syrup. Donnie rolled his eyes, swallowing the remains of his pancake whole.
From the other side of the room, Raph walked through the doorway. He scanned the room silently, and for a split second, his eyes widened when they met Donnie’s.
He pretended not to notice it. It probably didn’t matter anyway, Raph was terrible at hiding his expressions, even the smallest ones.
(Even if it did make Donnie feel a pit sink in his gut at the sight.)
He waved over.
“Donnie, hey!” Raph said, a bit too excited to see him. Donnie smiled awkwardly.
He didn’t know if they were trying to make him feel bad, but it was working. He sure felt like he deserved it anyway.
Raph walked over to get his own pancakes, grabbing two off of the growing pile on the counter. He cut off two pads of butter, placing them onto his pancakes as he made his way to the table.
“So… any updates with the search?” Raph tried, looking over to Donnie hopefully. Their eyes met, and Donnie was forced to look away, clenching his jaw.
“No new developments since last time. Hueso offered to ask around his circle for sightings, and he and Piel and checked around the Hidden City twice now. Still no sign,”
“Ah,” Raph picked up a pancake bit with his fork, chewing for just a bit too long, “I’m sure we’ll find something soon,” he picked at his plate.
Mikey finished making pancakes, rinsing off the pan in the sink. He picked up a plate of his own, sliding a couple of smaller pancakes onto it. The group sat there in silence, each eating off of their plates while Donnie shifted back and forth in the middle of the room. He didn’t really know what to do, but he felt the urge to get back to his lab. That way he could at least pretend he was getting something done.
“Well, I should probably get back to the lab, so I can…” he started backing up towards the doorway, “Yeah,” he sighed, turning around.
“Donnie,” Raph said, and he froze. Whatever it was he could take it. But the longer he stood there frozen, the more the feeling in his gut sank. He took a breath.
“Uh… pops wanted to see you, whenever you have a moment,” he finished, and it dawned on Donnie that this was worse than what he had prepared through. Out of all of the worst-case scenarios he had prepared for in his head, of course, he had forgotten to add this one. He tapped his finger to his thumb.
“Ah… I can… I can do that,” he replied. He stood at the entrance to the kitchen, tapping his finger repeatedly. Finally, he took a breath, letting the air sink to the bottom of his lungs before letting it out, “Right. Thanks for the breakfast,”
Donnie walked back into the lobby, turning to take the stairs down to the living room where his dad always was.
He had been through this a million times, but this time just felt so much worse for some reason. His father hadn’t requested a one-on-one talk with him since he learned to blame everything on Leo, and until about a year ago, he had grown a bit distant from their lives.
All that just to say that Donnie felt completely unprepared for whatever it was his father was going to say to him, and he certainly didn’t have enough time to come up with a plan, much less four backup plans.
Hesitantly, he took a step into the living room.
“Hey Dad, Raph said you wanted to see me?” he asked, stepping into view in front of the projector.
“Ah, Purple, come and sit down,” he replied, motioning to a beanbag close to the chair.
Shit . So this wasn’t just something he could get over with in a couple of seconds and go. He moved over to the beanbag, sitting down and resting his arms on his knees. His father leaned to the side, pressing a button on the top of the projector to turn it off. Double shit .
“So, um… what was it?” He asked carefully. Worst way to start a conversation ever.
Splinter paused, examining him, and Donnie couldn’t help but shrink into himself. He felt a lecture about responsibility or something coming on, and he wasn’t sure how spot-on it would end up being, but he was already attempting to prepare for the worst.
“My son,” Splinter began, putting his hand on Donnie’s knee, and god this was already so much worse than he thought it would be , “You look tired…”
“Impossible, thanks to Angelo I got just about twelve hours of sleep and feel completely well rested,” he stated, a premade comeback he had prepared.
“That is not what I mean, Donatello,” his father looked at him with worry, and he felt a pang in his chest as he said his name. He brought his hand down, gently grabbing one of Donnie’s and forcing him to look up, “You have stretched yourself too thin, overworked yourself for too many nights. It is a miracle you have such kind siblings to help take care of you, but… You cannot keep putting so much on yourself,”
Donnie looked away, leaning side to side, not daring to look back.
“I only put the necessary amount of work on myself to find my brother, as any sibling would do,” He stated, less certain than the last.
“ We are here for a reason, Purple. Your brothers, April, and I are all here to help take some of the weight off of your shoulders. You need to trust that we can help you, and that we can take this weight with you. You are not alone in this,” Splinter wrapped his other hand around Donnie’s, engulfing it in warmth as he looked at him hopefully.
“No, it’s- it’s not that. I trust you guys. I trust you guys more than anything,” he said, a little confused. He stared as his father’s expression changed from sincere, to surprised, back to the worry it had been before.
“Then what is it, my son?” His father asked openly.
What was it? Now that was a good question. Maybe a question he should’ve been asking himself for a while. Why did he do this to himself?
His father stared at him in silence, patiently waiting for whatever answer Donnie would come to, if he ever found one.
“I don’t know,” Donnie mumbled, pulling his hand away from his father’s. He rubbed his arms, leaning on his knees as he stared off into nothing, “I don’t know why this is so hard for me. We’ve been through worse, and we survived it. We’ve been through so much together. And yet… this still feels like the hardest thing,”
Donnie firmed up, scratching at his arms now, “Maybe because we’re not going through it together this time. Everything feels so wrong without him here,”
“I never had any siblings of my own, but watching you boys grow up, I understand how close you’ve gotten. I would do anything to protect you boys, and now that he’s… gone… a part of me feels lost with him,” Splinter leaned back in his chair, focusing intently on his words. Of all of the rare moments for their pops to be vulnerable, he had to choose now.
Donnie clenched his jaw. Why was this so hard? It wasn’t just because his brother was lost, no. There was more to it than that, he knew it.
“It’s not just that he’s lost. It’s just…” He took a deep breath, standing up from his beanbag.
“I know that hypothetically there is a first time for everything. And I know, thanks to Draxum, that I was about one and a half years old before we all got mutated. But…” Donnie paced, equipping his usual lecture tone, but he stopped, looking over softly to his father,
“I don’t remember a single night where he wasn’t just a hallway away from me. I don’t remember a single day that he wouldn’t look at me with a smile. And I don’t remember a single moment when I looked over to him and wasn’t thinking “This is my brother, and I will do everything in my power to keep it this way, even if I have to tear the whole world apart,” he finished, taking a step towards his father,
“...And what happens when I can’t even do that? I’ve lived my whole life thinking that I could do anything for my brothers if I had to, that I could fix anything if I tried hard enough. I’ve done plenty of things that were harder to accomplish, I even developed an AI trained to specifically recognize his horrible puns. I’ve done that and I still can’t find him. ”
He was in front of his father now, only about a foot away from the chair where he sat. His arms were out in front of him in an open pleading gesture. He hadn’t meant to do that. He stared down at his hands, watching them return to his arms as they crossed, scratching his scales through his hoodie. He leaned backward.
“Donatello…” His father said, reaching out to him. Before he could realize it, Donnie took a step back. When he looked at his father, his expression held a twinge of hurt.
“I’ll be… uh, I’ll be in my lab… if you need me,” Donnie said, sounding far too underconfident. He walked off, not wanting to see how his father had reacted. He needed to get back to his work anyway. After all, the world wasn’t going to tear itself apart.