Chapter Text
They did it again.
That... Thing they do where their eyes twinkled, their smiles were blinding, and they were clearly having a love-filled moment.
But then they remember that you’re in the same damn room and jump apart, all while your friends and her family watches. You try to ignore the pang in your chest the same way Iris ignores you and with the same energy that Barry looks at you with apologetic eyes and wonders what kind of flowers will make you less grumpy when you two go to bed tonight.
He’ll probably get yellow irises again .
You’d looked it up, while yellow flowers typically symbolize friendship yellow irises are a symbol of passion. You just can’t get past the glaringly obvious double meanings and unintentional symbolism Barry seems to be blissfully unaware of. You also remember reading somewhere that in a different time, irises meant ‘I send a message’, and you were getting that loud and clear.
You just... You didn’t understand why they kept doing this. To themselves, to each other, to you . You did not deserve this. You’d broken up with Barry twice already so that they could be together, because there was no way he loved you.
He didn’t look at you the way he looked at Iris. She was his first thought at the beginning of every day and the last each night. Whenever he met new people they thought that she was his girlfriend from the way he talked about and acted around her.
But both times you’d broken up with him, he’d begged you not to. And spent weeks doing everything he could to prove his love for you... Only for nothing to change.
You spent day after day watching your boyfriend fall deeper into love with his childhood best friend, no how matter how much either of them denied it. And it was killing you. Had been for years.
And to make things worse, you didn’t have anyone to turn to. Your Central City friends were all their friends (or family) too, you couldn’t tell Harley due to her love for you and penchant for violence, Bruce and the boys had never liked Barry to begin with (plus you hated it when he was right), and your family just wouldn’t understand.
You are a girl from the gallows. You escaped Gotham using nothing but your intelligence and will to survive. Your boyfriend having wandering eyes is nothing, normal for all your family knows. You could already hear your mother.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“It’s your fault for not being everything he needs.”
“If you want him to pay more attention to you, you should show off more cleavage and wear a shorter dress. It’s the way men work, honey.”
Yeah, there was definitely no telling your mother.
So you suffered in silence.
And as if Barry and Iris rubbing their love for each other in your face wasn’t enough, Savitar making the point that Iris was Barry’s true love most certainly did not help.
Not that you wanted to be killed or have Barry stressing out over your impending death, but the fact that a, so far, unbeatable supervillain thought that Iris is the one Barry’s in love with over you, his actual girlfriend... Well, now that was just embarrassing, wasn’t it?
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You were making meatloaf because it was easy, relatively healthy, and because you don’t have the metabolism Barry does for takeout.
So when Barry showed up with Chinese takeout from Iris’s favourite restaurant just as you were putting the meatloaf in the oven, you had to forcefully bite back a scream. Unfortunately, it escaped as a growl when you saw what was in his other hand.
Yellow. Fucking. Irises. Fucking called it.
“Hey, I uh... I got takeout, from your favourite place, you didn’t need to make dinner.”
“That’s not my favourite restaurant. It is Iris’s, however. How about you go over to her place instead? Better yet, why not do that indefinitely because we’re done.”
“Y/N-”
“Stop. Barry, I can’t do this anymore. You are obviously in love with her, so go be with her! Why keep stringing me along?”
“Y/N I love you.”
“I don’t believe you. The only times you ever actually show me that you love me are when I’m upset that you took Iris out on a date or are breaking up with you.”
“Y/N I’m serious, I’ll do whatever I need to do to make you realize my feelings for you.”
“Or to better help yourself pretend you’re in love with me? We started dating when Iris was still with Eddie. When Iris was finally ready to start dating again you were literally vibrating with excitement, and I got to watch all that evaporate when you looked at me and realized you couldn’t jump at the chance. So, seriously, why are you still with me? Is it out of obligation? Pity? Guilt? Masochism? Did you lose a bet ? I just... I just don’t get it.”
“Y/N, I’m with you because I love you and I want to be with you. How could you think otherwise?”
“Seriously? Do you remember our last anniversary? And how you ‘forgot’ it and instead spent the entire day with Iris with both of your phones off? Because you promised to make it up to me months ago and still haven’t. So please, stop lying to me, and most importantly, stop lying to yourself. Just be honest. You’re in love and it’s not with me. Please Barry, spare me the lies and excuses, spare my heart and end my misery. Just go, please.”
“Fine, Y/N. I’ll go. But I do love you, so much. And I’ll prove it.”
So he finally left you to cry and eat your meatloaf in peace. But your night was anything but peaceful.
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Barry refused to accept your words as a breakup which was making the Savitar situation much more stressful, and both were things that you just did not want to be dealing with at work.
The work that Cisco and Caitlin do is very important, but it’s also their day jobs. And since basically everyone else works in law enforcement their work directly ties to that of ‘Team Flash’ more often than not.
You, on the other hand, did not fit that category. You are a surgeon, board certified in neurosurgery and trauma surgery. You have long hours and a whole life outside of all the superhero stuff, and sometimes you feel like the others forget that. Like Barry forgets that. You always felt that when you couldn’t immediately run to his side when some new baddie or meta showed up because you were quite literally performing brain surgery, he held it against you. Resented you for not being there.
Iris, however, could run to him at a moment's notice because a good chunk of her work was getting exclusive interviews from The Flash. She did other stuff too, like when she got involved in street racing because she was worried about Wally, but most of what she did and was known for was either directly about The Flash or Flash related.
Barry had arranged for three different, and very extravagant, bouquets to be delivered. Your coworkers were either swooning over them or making well-intended jokes about why he was sending flowers at all, let alone so many. You knew that they didn’t mean any harm, they were just trying to keep the mood light and maybe cheer you up a bit. You tried to be polite and vague, hoping that they’d all just get the hint.
But it was wearing on you.
It all came to a head when you ran into Dr. Swanson.
“So, I hear your boyfriend bought you half a flower shop. Did he forget an anniversary or something?” There was a chuckle that ran off his tongue easily, and others joined in. You didn’t want to say anything, but it had already been seven hours of this and you didn’t know if you could take anymore.
“Actually yeah. He forgot our anniversary two months ago because he was spending time with his best friend, who he’s in love with but won’t admit it, and it got brought up again last night when I tried to break up with him for being in love with her. He only buys me flowers when he’s done something wrong and upset me, he barely remembers I’m there otherwise. I wish he’d stop and realize how much he’s hurting me... Sorry, that’s probably too much info, I guess.”
You didn’t snap or yell or get frustrated. You could hear the heartbreak in your own voice. And when you looked up from putting on your booties you could see the pitiful and awkward expressions on everyone’s faces.
“Don’t be sorry. That man you’ve been dating should be. Clearly, he doesn’t deserve you.” The older man gave you a confidence-inducing smile before moving to enter his OR, and for the first time that day, someone cheered you up.
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You rolled your head and massaged your neck as you arrived at STAR labs. Your twelve hour shift had turned into sixteen after a car accident had rolled in, so the only place that you wanted to be was home in your bed. But Savitar was going to kill Iris if you guys didn’t come up with a solution and D-DAY was only two days away now.
The air in the room was so tense you found your hair standing on end. You crept slowly into the computer lab, trying to discern what was wrong and if there was an intruder. Instead, you were met with a murderous glare from Barry. Cisco and Caitlin looked apprehensive, Iris looked apathetic, and Joe looked downright scared.
“Barry...? What’s wrong?”
“Are you kidding me? Where have you been?! I texted you three hours ago that you needed to get here!”
“Hey, do not yell at me. Three hours ago I was performing neurosurgery on a car crash victim, there was absolutely nothing that I could have done to get here any sooner.”
“Really? You’re pulling the surgeon card? We’re trying to save Iris’ LIFE! Are you seriously going to let your petty jealousy get in the way of that?!”
Over Barry’s shoulder you could see Iris look hopeful, proud , only to turn away when she realized you saw her. “Don’t you dare act like I don’t care about saving Iris, but I can’t hover around her 24/7 and ignore others who need me. I saved the lives of four different people today. You don’t get to tell me that what I do isn’t important.
And how dare you belittle my feelings. You regularly blow off our dates because she saw a spider or just wanted to get a cup of coffee. You don’t even bother trying to learn what my favourite things and foods and places are. You just bring me Iris’ favourite and expect me to be cool with it. You have spent all but one of our anniversaries with her. I feel like the third wheel in my own damn relationship and I genuinely cannot believe that you have the audacity that act like it’s my fault. I do not know why I have stayed with you. Why I have taken you back after every time I gave you my blessing to just be with her and leave my heart alone ! I... I deserve so much better than you. Than all of you. I deserve people who truly give a damn about me and clearly none of you do because if you did you all would’ve told Barry to cut out his nonsense, to stop hurting me, years ago.”
It was blatantly apparent that no one expected that confrontation to go down like that. But you had years of pent-up pain and anger you were never able to express to the curators of this perfect hell you were in.
“I am going to stay until we can save Iris, but after that, I’m gone and I don’t want to see any of you again, unless absolutely necessary.”
“So, like, would an alien invasion fall under ‘absolutely necessary’?”
“Yes, Cisco, it would. Okay, catch me up, do we have any new information?”
You sat down in between him and Caitlin to look at his computer screen pointedly ignoring everyone else and just trying to focus on saving Iris.
So that I can get a clean break and get the hell out of here .
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The night had been a waste and there’d been no progress made. So you’d lugged yourself back to your apartment to get some sleep before heading back to the hospital. Oddly enough, as you were in the shower, tired, achy, and wishing time would cease to exist, it came to you. And your heart sunk into your knotted stomach as you realized just what needed to be done.
You knew how to save Iris. It was risky. And stupid. So, so stupid. And you could tell no one .
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Your apartment wasn’t quiet, like you’d left it, when you got back. All of the lights were on and Hey, Ya! Was blasting on your stereo. You could literally feel your blood’s temperature rising as you dropped your duffle on the floor and stomped over to the stereo to turn it off.
“Hey, Y/N you’re back-”
“Get out. Now.”
“Y/N-”
“Barry. Stop. GET OUT. You cannot treat me like garbage for years , blame me for what’s happening with Iris and then expect to be allowed in my home or life.”
“I tried going to the hospital, but everyone said you were off- something about a family emergency. What- what emergency? What could have possibly been more important than Iris?”
There were not enough words in the English language to properly articulate just how enraged Barry was making you.
“Right, Barry, because I can totally just go to my boss and say ‘hi the woman my boyfriend’s in love with is going to be killed by the god of speed, who also happens to be a time remnant of my boyfriend, in two days unless we can figure out how to stop him so I need to head to Gotham to see if I can get a cursed amulet or something that will stop him, okay? Great, see you on Monday’. I lied to them, because I thought there might have been something in Gotham that would help and I needed to rush over there. And before you ask- no, it didn’t pan out. I... I really thought it would and I don’t know what else to do.”
Your eyes started to mist with tears and it began to be too painful to hold them back. You hated what Barry was putting you through, and you hated that it seemed to make Iris happy, but you didn’t want her to die. And you didn’t want to see the pain her death would cause everyone around her.
You could feel Barry hovering around you and extending an arm, aiming to lay it on your shoulder.
“I meant it when I told you to leave Barry. It has been a long, long day and I have nothing else in me to give right now.”
“Y/N you can’t just-”
“If you are not out of my apartment in the next five seconds- Just... Go be with Iris. She may not have much time left.”
The mention of Iris seemed to snap him out whatever trance had him momentarily caring for you. “And take all the food you brought too. It’s from Iris’ favourite pizza place, they’re too doughy for me.” You didn’t bother waiting for him to reply or act on your wishes. Just picked up your duffel and walked to your bedroom to try to get some shut-eye before heading over to Iris’ in the morning to enact the plan you couldn’t tell anyone about.
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Today was D-DAY. On your way to Iris’ apartment you felt as if you were walking towards the grim reaper.
When you knocked on her door she looked surprised to see you.
“Oh, Y/N, hi, what- what are you doing here?”
“I need to speak with you. Alone. It’s important.”
“Okay.” She tentatively invited you in, and lead you over to her bedroom. Joe, Wally, and Barry were seated at her dining room table, they all looked more than shocked than Iris was to see you. “I just came to speak with Iris, alone . I’ll only be here for a moment, don’t worry.”
Speechless, none of them argued. Once Iris sut her bedroom door you pulled out a bluetooth speaker and started blasting your 90’s dance party playlist. Iris looked at you with a raised eyebrow.
“Counter espionage trick. They just can’t overhear anything I’m about to say.”
“Okaaayy...”
You took removed your backpack and unzipped it, pulling out a thin but rock-solid black vest and held it up. Iris just looked more confused.
It still freaks me out that people from Gotham don’t regularly wear body armour or protection, and she’s a reporter who’s main subjects are supervillains , how does she not know what a kevlar vest looks like?
“This is a high-tech military-grade stab-proof kevlar vest. It’s thin, but also flexible, and incredibly strong, you should be able to wear it under your clothes easily and covertly. Here, put it on.”
“I- Y/N... Thank you...”
“Don’t mention it. Now, take off your top layer, put it on, and don’t tell anyone you have it on. I know that we’re all avoiding telling Barry stuff, but I don’t think that it’ll be easy for the others to hide that you have something like this.”
“Yeah, got it.”
The two of you were silent for a moment as you helped secure the vest on her. You were standing so close that you could feel her breath on you as you patted down the sides to make sure that everything was flat and secured.
“Good. And just so you know Iris, I really hope you don’t die.”
Iris smiled slightly and she looked grateful... But there was fear and a little guilt in her eyes. “Well, I’ll get going now. I’ll see you guys later at STAR Labs.” You took your phone out to turn off your playlist when Livin’ La Vida Loca came on.
“Wait- I love this song. Let’s just... Let’s just sit. Only the two of us.”
“Okay, sure.”
You both sat on her bed, bobbing your heads along to the song, exchanging small smiles. And your heart felt a pang. You and Iris had only ever been friends through other friends, never anything more. Part of you wondered whether the two of could have been good friends if it wasn’t for the whole Barry thing.